Am I selfish?

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sunnyhou
sunnyhou Member Posts: 169
edited June 2014 in DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)

I know in the broad scheme of things I have had it easy. I did not have to do chemo or radiation. I chose double mastectomy to avoid radiation and tamox. I am awaiting my exchange surgery Feb 10th. In Novemeber my one year old son had to go into the hospital because his lymph nodes in his neck were enlarged.. they took them out to see what was going on. Of course I went straight to the cancer fear. Luckily it was not but it was some rare bacteria. He had the surgery and a month of antibiotics. He is fine now and healthy. This has all been so much stress. When the clock struck midnight and 2010 came I decided to be more positive, exercise, and get on with life. My brother.. he will suck the life right out of you if you let him. He is exhausting with problems.. He always wants to call and talk or come over and talk. Today, my kids have colds and he of course asked to come over and I told him no because my kids were sick. I just do not feel like dealing with him. I am trying to improve my life and have a healthier attitude. I feel an obligation to him because he is my brother but really.. this just drags me down. Am I selfish? I know this has nothing to do with cancer but in a way it dos.. I had a lot of depression after diagnosis and lost twenty pounds.. I am just now feeling better about life.. opinions welcome. and thank you for reading.,

AND>> a better 2010 for all of us..

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  • Claire_in_Seattle
    Claire_in_Seattle Member Posts: 4,570
    edited January 2010

    First of all, congrats on doing positive things for yourself including exercise.  This is critical to your long term health and well being.  One of the reasons I have chosen to exercise throughout my treatment is for my physical and mental well being.

    Actually, I think I am having an easier time with chemo and radiation vs losing both breasts.  I am healing just fine from my lumpectomy and overall feeling well, other than dragging the first three days after chemo.

    As for your brother, tell the toxic SOB that you need your space.  Sounds like it is always about him, and quite frankly, you need positive people in your life.  Both my sisters are worthless that way.  Love them dearly, but they can suck the life out of you.  Fortunately, I live 2000 miles from the closest one.

    One of the only sleepless nights I have had since diagnosis was when I realized that I would have died if I had stayed married to my ex.  Again, it was always about him.  Imagine....I would have been going through chemo and waiting on HIM.  No thanks.  Plus, he always managed to cast a negative light on things.  I have finally recovered.  Example is that he was always on my case about "mumbling".  Well, lo and behold, he now has hearing aids.

    So not sure what to say to your brother, but he does need to know that right now that your focus on you and your own health.  I have learned in talking to one of my sisters who goes there is to mention that you discussed this one months ago, and will be happy to discuss again once he has done some of the things you recommended.  Until then, you will be talking about other topics only as this one is not open to discussion.

    Another tactic is to just change the subject and talk about how grateful you are that your son is OK and his latest antics.  Or your own progress in exercising.

    If he storms out in a huff, that is OK.  You have to call him on his toxic behavior.  This is being piggish, not about supporting you.  There is a difference, and you do not have to take this.  If you really want to make him go away, suggest therapy.

    Meanwhile, good luck with your surgery, and no, you are not being selfish.

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited January 2010

    sunnyhou, I think you said it yourself about your brother: "he will suck the life right out of you if you let him."

    I think a lot of us women, when we were growing up, were told that putting ourselves first was "selfish."  "Selfish" is supposed to be bad.  IMO, selfish is bad if it means you don't care about anyone else, or keep everything to yourself and are stingy and un-generous.  But taking care of yourself?  Making sure you have what you need?  Drawing boundaries to preserve your energy, your resources, your health, your well-being, your spirits?  No way is that "selfish"!  That's being a self-reliant, positive, mature, responsible person trying to live a happy life!

    And on top of that, you are taking care of your children.  It is the opposite of selfish to take care of your children!  And they need you at your best!  You are doing the right thing in "trying to improve my life and have a healthier attitude... feeling better about life" -- for yourself and your children!

    Sounds like you have concern for  your brother, but you are finding the strength to put in place some boundaries that you need -- and I think that's great!   Who knows, if you devote yourself to nurturing your good feelings about life, your peace and happiness and energy -- it may even be good for your brother!  If you no longer "vibrate" to his depressed feelings -- he may miss it, but maybe it'll even kickstart some better feelings in him.

    ((((Hugs)))) to you, and I echo your wish for "a better 2010 for all of us." 

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  • shiny
    shiny Member Posts: 892
    edited January 2010

    Absolutely right to put some baundries up for your brother to respect and stick with them. It is crystal clear from what you say, that he is self involved, knowingly or not, but that does not make it ok when he robs you of your time and sanity at your expense and that of your children.

    You are 100% right about making some new rules for your brother, not feeling one little bit guilty about it. It is all to your good and that of your family.

    He is responsible for himself, let him do some of the work, and take you out to dinner once in a while to thank you for all you have put up with to date, and let him tell you about what he has done to improve his situation and then let him offer some practical help to you. If you are reading this and thinking, boy, yea right, not a chance, not in a million years would he do that! Well, there you go, talk about a check list to confirm that indeed you are quite right to insist on a better deal with this relationship, as it is harming you and that must stop. You love your brother, you can still love him, give him some pointers from time to time, but ultimately, being selfish in this relationship seems like the heathist best thing you could do for yourself, and it sounds like you recognise this but needed a wee bit of friendly confirmation. And here you have it, from us all.

    Take care YOU.

    All my best for you and your kiddos.

    Shiny

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  • pk0199
    pk0199 Member Posts: 586
    edited January 2010

    Sunny, I do think you are being selfish and I congratulate you for that. Considering what is going on in your life right now, you need to be selfish and self protect. You have yourself and your immediate family to take care of right now, that is enough. You need positive influences in your life not ones that will "suck" the life out of you. You keep on doing what you are doing to keep you happy. I wish you all the best with your surgery and continued good health to you and your little boy.

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  • sunnyhou
    sunnyhou Member Posts: 169
    edited January 2010

    thank you ladies.. It is hard to talk to people who just do not understand. Once you have been through what we have.. the tolerence level goes way down.. Esp when you are trying to recover from an emotional experience.. life looks very different now.. On some levels better.. some worse.. but I will take the lesson and do something with it. I am going to take your advice with my brother.. I appreciate the kind words and support

    xxoo

    this website has been a life line for me..

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