When do you stop encouraging a loved one to continue treatment!!

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Hope211
Hope211 Member Posts: 9
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My mothers breast cancer was diagnosed 3 years ago and now she has gotten worse.

After her masectomy and so much chemo the cancer traveled to her head. They removed a tumor in November 2009 and now 3 tumors have formed in her head again since her surgery. She just started her radiation last week and after six treatments she doesn't want to continue anymore.

She is so swollen all around her face and neck from the steroids, the headaches are unbearable and now her right breast is in a lot of pain, swollen and very hard. She is so weak she can't even walk. We just brought her home from the hospital last thursday and we are caring for her at home.

She talked to my younger sister today and asked her to please respect her decision about not continuing her treatment anymore, she is in a lot of pain and  the radiation and the cancer are making her feel worse. She is in bed asleep all day under pain medication.

She has asked us not to push her with treatment, she states she is suffering to much and is to weak to continue with anything, she said she wan't to rest now from radiation and chemo and that if it's God's will she is ready to go.

We are really scared, we don't wan't to do anything against her own will. We don't want to loose her either, the thought of loosing my mother is to painful. 

Please help we have never gone through anything like this. 

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  • pj12
    pj12 Member Posts: 25,402
    edited January 2010

    I do not have the words nor the experience to know what to say. I am sure women wiser than I will offer help and comfort to you.

    Have you consulted with your mother's physician? Mainly, she should not be suffering. When my mother was diagnosed with a terminal situation we contacted a local branch of Hospice.  They were an absolute Godsend! We could not have gotten through the weeks before her death without them. Regular medical people, in the hospital and the nursing facility, were of no assistance in making her comfortable and helping the family cope with her impending death.

    I am so sorry your family is going through this.   I hope God will give you strength to support your mother as she needs.

    pam 

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  • CaseyDoodle
    CaseyDoodle Member Posts: 144
    edited January 2010

    Oh Hope, I am so very, very sorry.  I know exactly where you are.  My mother died in 1996 after fighting a very brave battle against breast cancer.  I agree with Pam, you should certainly consult your Mom's doctor and consider Hospice. 

    I can only add that once your Mother is gone, you will always miss her, but you will also find daily joy in the memories the two of you created during her lifetime.

    Please know that my prayers are with you, your Mom and family as you move forward during this difficult time. 

    Kay

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited January 2010

    Hope -- I am so very sorry about your Mom.  I know it will be difficult for you but you need to respect your Mom's wishes.  She needs to be comfortable and face the future with her dignity intact and without pain.  I urge you to call your hospital's hospice unit or her oncologist's office for a referral for hospice immediately.  Hospice can tend to your Mom's needs and make sure she is as physically and emotionally comfortable as possible.  They will also help you deal with this terribly sad time. 

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  • Hope211
    Hope211 Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2010

    Tonight my father, 4 brothers and 2 sisters will meet to discuss my mothers wishes.

    I respect my mother and I am willing to accept her decision. Tomorrow my mother has an appointment with her oncologist, which my mother will not attend. My sister and I will meet with her to inform her that she no longer want's treatment and to have her explain to us what to expect once my mother stops radiation.

    We fear the worst, but then again who is prepared for a situation like this.Cry

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited January 2010

    I'm very sorry that you're going through this Hope.  And sad for your Mom too.  I'm sure her oncologist will have lots of information about hospice.  And please do not neglect yourselves, reach out for help at this time if you need it.  Hugs,

    Elizabeth

    xoxo

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  • Hope211
    Hope211 Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2010

    Thank you Elizabeth.

     My sister and I just came back from the oncologist and we did talk about hospice, she will get that started for us today. 

    We informed her that my mother will no longer get treated and the news was unfortunate. The doctor said that the cancer has suddely spread like a wildfire and that once treatment was stopped she would probably have two weeks to a month to live. If she stops taking her steroids she probably only has days.

    Thank you all for your kind words and support!

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited January 2010

    Hope, you know as we read this that our hearts are breaking for you and your family. We never want to cause our kids pain, but we know we will some day. I want to share with you what my Dad went through.

    When my aunt had decided to quit her treatment for cancer and we were told, we were all horrified and told my dad that meant she was going to let herself die! He must have taken those comments to heart, because when he was diagnosed with lung cancer, he did every surgery, chemo, radiation and everything that he could. 2 1/2 years later he died. I asked him before he died if he had any regrets and he said the only one was that he went through all that pain and misery to die anyway!

    The lesson here being; he didn't LIVE for an extra 2 1/2 years, he DIED for 2 1/2 years.

    It's a sad, sad message to hear from someone you love dearly, but seeing your Mom out of pain and at peace with hospice care will give you all the relief you deserve.

    May God be with you all at this trying time.

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited January 2010

    Dear Hope -- I am so sorry about your Mom.  Hospice will make sure she's comfortable.  She will also draw much comfort knowing how loved she is, that you are there for her.  I'm so very sorry for the sadness and difficult days you are now facing.  Hugs,

    Elizabeth

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  • Hope211
    Hope211 Member Posts: 9
    edited February 2010

    Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!!

    My mother just passed away on Wednesday, she is finally resting and the cancer no longer has control of her life.

    God bless you all!!

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  • Kyta
    Kyta Member Posts: 713
    edited February 2010

    I'm so sorry Hope. May your Mother rest in peace.

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  • Cowgirl13
    Cowgirl13 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited February 2010

    I'm glad your mother is at peace.  My mother died from breast cancer over 25 years ago.

    You and your family are in my thoughts.  

    When I get together now with my brothers and sister--we talk so much about my mother and all the stories about her.  It is a great comfort. 

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited February 2010

    Hope, you and your sister did your Mom a great service by letting her go....our hearts are with you at this time. God Bless.

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited February 2010

    I'm so sorry Hope.  You said it beautifully -- cancer is no longer in control of her life.  My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

    Elizabeth

    xox

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