Anniversary? Or "Reset"?

marmsie · January 2010

A year ago right now I was happily looking forward to THIS January as it would mark my 10 year anniversary of being diagnosed with breast cancer. I was feeling preettty good about it. That first cancer was a Stage 2A triple negative. Honestly, I think we caught it just in time; that baby registered a 9 for 9 on the aggressive scale but my nodes were clear. Lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. Tamoxifen back then for a couple of years because they didn't know what else to do for me. My own research told me it was silly to take that drug and I made the decision to stop it due to the horrendous side effects that eventually lead to a hysterectomy. The fun just never stops.

Anyway, much to my surprise I was totally blindsided by a little spot on a routine mammogram last March. New and different cancer in the same breast. Mastectomy and Arimidex and I'm good to go? Like I said, the "fun" just never stops.

So here I am - should be thrilled about 10 years "cancer free" but I'm not thrilled at all. I'm actually in a total funk. Instead I'm 10 months since finding Cancer II. It's like those many great movies that get ruined with a not so good Part 2.

I know that I am "lucky" it wasn't recurrence. It was found early. I "only" needed surgery. I have many things for which to be grateful. Still - I'm not feeling it. I just needed to say it "out loud". I can't say this to my family or friends, they don't listen, they don't want to hear, they don't understand. Nope - it's all fine. I look fine. The prognosis is fine. Then why don't I feel so fine? I feel like I'm gonna step on a land mine at any moment.

I know that this too shall pass. It's just that I had different expectations for what this first month of the new year would bring. Starting over is hard!!

smithlme · January 2010

marmsie, I'm right there with you. I was diagnosed with triple negative IDC on the left side on March 28, 2007 and ER+/PR- DCIS on the right side on March 31, 2008. Two different primaries and two mastectomies, along with being BRCA 2+. When I'm asked how long ago my cancer was I always give both dates. I want people to know that there is hope and that I am living my life to the fullest.

On the flip side, some days I am overwhelmed with all this crap. I wonder if it will come back again and where. I've found a great support group in my town and several of the people there have had more than one type of cancer, so I don't feel so "alone" when I have a meltdown. I know that I want off of this cancer-go-round.

Hugs to you...

Linda

faithandfifty · January 2010

fa la la la la..........

i was just using the land-mine analogy in a conversation with myself.

i am not yet fit for human interaction, so i only have me to talk to..........

i just had my bilat mx last Fri.... my choice to go with no recon

did not quite make it to my 3rd anniversary, before starting with same dx for the second time....

both DCIS, small potatoes right?? i no longer have any potatoes -- thank you very much.

in my mind you are a 10 year, two-timer survivor.........

claim every one of those initial months, baby, they're yours and in the bank

could we be a little support group for each other?

i feel like the princess of the island of misfit toys.

i've taken my happy-pill, so i will attempt cheerfulness is a subsequant post

Linda knows i am capable of faint-hearted cherrfulness, so she can let me in the side door

smithlme · January 2010

Side door is wide open Faith. We will support each other in any/every way we can. Land mines...I have walked on my tippy-toes for almost three years. I'm coming up to 2 years with my second diagnosis and I am NOT a happy camper. I made my 6 month appointment to see my Onc in March and almost hyperventilated. I hate going to see her even though I adore her.

I've had the words, "Where are two shoes that clip to my clop? I'm all alone in the world," running through my head for years. The island of misfit toys....that's me. Always wanting to "fit in" on a thread and never quite able to manage it.

smithlme · January 2010

I forgot to mention my sister's famous words. (She is a 20 year thriver) "Always have a carrot dangling in front of you." Which means to always have something planned for the future, which gives us something to look forward to and strive to achieve. So far, this year, my list consists of:

Houston in February

Seeing 51 in May

The Redwood Run in June (Bike run)

Seeing my grandbaby's arrival in September

Walking for the third time, second time as a thriver, in The Komen 3-Day in October

My 3rd wedding anniversary

These are a few of my carrots with lots more to be added...

faithandfifty · January 2010

Marmsie. We love you. Linda & faithie.

xx00xx00xx00xx

Strength and courage.

marmsie · January 2010

Thanks all. I'm just feeling more disconnected than usual right now. I recognize that on some deep internal level that I keep to myself I haven't come to terms with the "new me". Heck, I was never exactly comfortable with the "old me", so what's a girl gonna do?

Kind of like the dangling carrot idea - got nothing on the horizon at the moment to truly look forward to or use for distraction. (Wait, that's not exactly true - I'm striving mightily not to cause bodily harm to my youngest and last child still at home...!!) Hopefully I just need to get through this tough month of memories and my brain will calm down a bit. But it's also time to schedule those follow up appointments - oh boy, my first "uni" mammogram. Only half the fun to look forward to.

Strength and courage. That will be today's mantra.

smithlme · January 2010

New me, old me. Who came up with those words? I dislike them. Why do we have to label and name everything? Does that give things a specific purpose and importance? Before BC, after BC... words to describe a time in our lives. Being a strong woman...oh, please. There's nothing strong about being terrified, feeling alone and scared.

What about our sense of self? How do we continue to love ourselves after cancer has entered our world? This envelope, my body, that carries me around is what holds me all together. I've had to learn to accept this new external design on my 50 year old body. You know what? It works for me. No breasts, lots of scars and lots of numb places. The outside has definitely changed. As for my inside? Big changes, too. A huge appreciation of all I have been through and all I am alive to do tomorrow, next week and next month.

I have a 19 year old still at home. I feel your pain!

marmsie · January 2010

Well, I "recognize" that 10 years ago today that first cancer was removed from my body. Knock on wood and fingers crossed, it stays gone. Hope my superstitious references don't offend anyone - if so, please just let it go - I'm feeling rather "tender" and respectfully request that my choice of words or take on things not be critiqued or criticized. I have a mother who does a fine job of that already; flat out said to me when I told her of my second diagnosis that I should have had a mastectomy the first time. (And she is also a long time survivor - almost 20 years; of course she did the "right thing" and had a mastectomy with reconstruction which is apparently what I should have done the first time, too?)

This is "the new me". I miss the "old me". That's just me being honest, which I thought would be okay to say here. Each of us has to come to terms with all of this in our own way, in our own time and sometimes it comes in fits and starts. Sure I "appreciate" how I've come through it all - I have actually displayed incredible strength and fortitude to the world at large. But once again, if I'm honest - I wish it had not happened. Yes, part of me does indeed have a greater appreciation for many things. But at a high cost to me and to my children and to my husband. Just as I was starting to truly truly feeling a certain sense of maybe having my feet on the ground again I got whomped up the side of the head again. Well I'm still a little PO-ed about that. Sorry, no real appreciation for the process I've been through; first OR second time. God help me if I have to do it again.

Thanks to those of you who bother to read this. Who might take the time to offer a word or thought of comfort. Who might even relate due to being a "multi" diagnosed survivor. Mostly, I just needed to "say" some of this out loud, to unburden myself of some of these thoughts that those nearest and dearest to me can't understand.

10 years - with an asterisk.

My intent is not to offend. If I have, please let me know and I'll remove my posts. Wishes for a better tomorrow.

smithlme · January 2010

Marmsie, No one can take away that 10 year anniversary. On March 28 I will celebrate my 3 year anniversary of my TN diagnosis. On March 31 I will celebrate my 2 year anniversary of my second diagnosis, ER+/PR-. Those are crappy dates in my world and I will never forget them.

I, too, miss the old me. I truly do. I wish I was still oblivious to all this cancer crap. After my first cancer I figured I was done, but my body F-ed me up again. Failed TRAM recon wasn't much of a help, either. For me, if I dwell too much on all I've been through, I know I will sink into a depression.

As for mothers...mine didn't even call me after my second mastectomy or when I had my hysterectomy w/BSO. I had to drive 4 hours for my surgery and she lived within 15 minutes of the hospital. Go figure?

faithandfifty · January 2010

Hi two-timers.

Marmsie, I don't know how anyone could possibly be offended by your heart-felt post. Please don't ever delete it..... it is filled with so many pieces of thoughts that go bouncing thru my head at all hours.

Today, I have 'over-done' it. I drove for the first time -- to my onc appointment across town. Just about 40 minutes one way. This was my first driving since surgery 10 days ago.

The appointment itself was upbeat, the driving was exhausting, but 'ok' -- I felt I was safe and able to keep others safe, too.

Then we went over to see my grandchildren before we take off for FL. I couldn't 'do' anything with them and it was breaking my heart. The three year old, had some grasp of giving me space, but the 20 month old twins were so perplexed as to why I wasn't 'playing'...... they kept reaching out.

Then we finally got home and a dear professional friend called, cuz he'd just gotten the news.....

This is the first non-survivor phone conversation. I just crumbled and wanted to cry. I know that it was the exhaustion.

I have to get a grip to be able to speak w/friends & family...........

I hate being the source of their sorrow.

AND I know that I'm 'fine' as far as the contiuum goes.

Going to put myself to bed.

Will try again tomorrow.

xx00xx00xx00xx

Katey · January 2010

Marmsie, you could not have said it better. I was wonked on the head the last day of August with a new primary after 20 years, had finally in the last 5 gotten over my fears. Well, maybe not always, had a bone scan last year cause of a bone lesion showing up on an mri. It was in my shoulder, and no lesions anywhere else so I was told not to worry. Starting over is very hard, and I feel as tho I have less support. Ugh!

My best to the 3 of you!

Brendatrue · February 2010

I hope not to offend anyone who has posted here, but your words have been oddly comforting to me this evening. I think Linda mentioned wanting to fit in on a thread and never quite feeling able to manage it. (I posted on the "old" forum area re: recurrence/ mets until that was changed to stage IV, and there seemed to be doubt about where I fit in.) I can relate to that experience and to being "blindsided" and "wonked on the head" and to hating being the "source of others' sorrow" and to 'wanting off this cancer merry-go-round" but realizing this is my life and I will just have to keep learning how to cope and cope and cope.

A brief bit of history: first diagnosis, age 38 ('95), IDC, Stage I, with quadrantectomy, chemo, radiation; right before my 11th year cancerversary ('06), wham, IDC again, same breast, mastectomy, no chemo, hormonal therapy (arimidex then evista); Jan' 09, chest wall tumor, but very small, no signs of lymph node involvement, but signs of lymphatic and dermal invasion at the site, with chemo and follow up surgery, now on Tamoxifen. Friday night, just at 1 day past my latest one year cancerversary, I detect a hard immovable "nodule" in the upper, outer quadrant of my remaining breast and a swollen area with a round tender place in the middle nearby. I have been trying to remain calm, but I have this horrible sinking feeling that makes me want to "hide under the covers" and stay there for quite some time. I have not told a soul, until now; I have not wanted to say the words "out loud," least of all to my wonderful husband, who will just be heartbroken in response.

I am trying not to jump to conclusions, and I hope this will be a "scare" and not a chapter in "My Life with Breast Cancer, Part IV." I will call my onc's office tomorrow and try to get prompt follow-up to my request for moving up mammo and ultrasound (already scheduled for later in the month as a regular "screening"). I'm also supposed to get a PET scan later in February, but I have learned how to do this one step at a time, in part to satisfy my %&*$@&* insurance company.

I am so tired of dealing with cancer, but I am not tired of living. I am so grateful that I have managed to make it to this point in my 53 years, and I am grateful that I can come here and share these words. I hope for all of us peace of mind and strong, healthy bodies.

smithlme · February 2010

Brenda,

BIG hug to you. Yep, this cancer crap sucks and we're all tired of it. Your Onc should let you get your mammogram and ultrasound early, especially since you've found something. I am hoping and praying it's a "scare."

Be sure to let us know how you're doing.

Linda

Katey · February 2010

Brenda, Here's another hug for you. Definitely press your doctor to get you in right away to ease your worry, they can always fit someone in. It is so difficult to tell those that love us. I couldn't tell my husband it's back, this probably sounds horrible, but I couldn't speak so I had my daughter tell him. Didn't want to tell my parents, but finally did. Didn't want to tell anyone.

It was so weird, I worried for years that my cancer would show up in another part of my body, I never thought that I might get a new one in the remaining breast. Oh well, here we are, and nice that we can tell each other what we are afraid to say to those around us.

Brendatrue · February 2010

Linda & Katey, Thanks so much for your hugs and words of support. I have a mammo & US scheduled for Wednesday morning. Usually, with my history & complications, the radiologist will join the tech for the US, so I may get some info then. The last time I had an US, the radiologist did a needle biopsy right then rather than have me reschedule and come back another day. I will stay hopeful that I will know more by the end of the week. I will definitely keep you posted. I did tell my husband that I have scheduled my mammo and US but without more specifics. Tonight when we were just relaxing and talking together I was so glad we could enjoy the time without him worrying about "What's next?"

marmsie · February 2010

Brenda - hope the morning is going well for you.

(I don't necessarily tell my husband all the details until the facts are in either - his stress just stresses me out that much more!)

Brendatrue · February 2010

Marmsie, thanks for the positive thoughts. I did "kinda-sorta" tell my husband about an "area of concern" but I minimized my worry, so as to limit his and, of course as possible, mine. I made it through the mammo and US this morning without getting any feedback. The mammo tech was respectful, unhurried, careful around my port, but still focused on getting the best images possible. The US tech was very hurried and, it seemed to me, not really listening to me about my concerns or history. At one point she insisted that I was feeling an artery, then after I pushed her to scan the area again, with more pressure, she reported that she did see a nodule but that she thought is was just a swollen lymph node. I now am playing the waiting game; I should have the results in my hands Friday, unless something "breaks down" somewhere else in the process.

By the way, thinking about your post at the beginning of this thread: I started the new year thinking about opportunities I wanted to pursue this year, marking my "third cancerversary"soon (01/28) and celebrating my 20th anniversary of my first date with my husband. Even though I had stage I ca twice, then had amazingly early detection of the chest wall tumor, I sometimes find it hard to focus on the early stage, the early detection, the so-far positive outcome of treatment. I admit there are many times that I am more positive, and I try to focus on living my life instead of worrying about what might happen next with my health. However, on those hard-to-focus-on-the- positive days, I feel like I have "Damocles Sword" hanging over me; in other words, there is no real security. But perhaps there never was, and I just had the illusion of security prior to breast ca. As I have said before, learning to live with uncertainty is really quite a challenge! Is that what you are experiencing as well?

faithandfifty · February 2010

I have been M.I.A. due to a bizarre reaction to taking my first HALF a pill of Effexor..... it's 84 hours later and I am still feeling the 'morning sickness' like nausea, tho all of the other effects have passed in the days since taking it.

Just wanted to pop in and extend support as you await the answers & insight.

xx00xx00xx00xx

Strength and courage.

Brendatrue · February 2010

Faith, I hope you are feeling stronger as you heal from your bilat mx and that your reaction to Effexor is now just a memory. Thanks for your support and that of others as well. I was advised yesterday that my mammo appears normal and that my US reveals a large but normal appearing lymph node in the area of concern. My onc already has requested a PET as part of my annual history, so I will now start the process of getting insurance pre-auth. I will stay hopeful that the PET will confirm to the degree possible that I have no lurking, sinister disease in my body. Cancer afterlife can be a real challenge sometimes. Take good care; I will check back with you all to hear how you are doing.

Anniversary? Or "Reset"?

Comments

Categories