Moms of "onlies"

Hi Diane, I also have a little girl, who is almost 5 yrs. old. We tried for years to conceive, and she was born a few days after my 46th birthday. I am the youngest of four kids, and my dd has five cousins, all of whom are in their 20s. I have every hope that I will be here long into her life. She has cousins and aunts and uncles (none of whom live close to us), not to mention her daddy, who will love her dearly and care for her if I am gone. 

There is a good chance that all the estrogen and progesterone I took in the course of many IVF cycles contributed to my developing breast cancer. But if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have this dear girl, who is the light of my life. It is ironic.

I was diagnosed when she was just over 2 years old, and I can tell you I felt horrible that I had worked so hard to bring this sweet baby into the world only to possibly leave her. It nearly broke my heart. (As you can see from my signature, I had a huge tumor (mostly DCIS, thank God) but there was real concern initially that the cancer had already metastasized). 

I am so grateful to be here with my daughter, and that is my focus. Tonight she was giving me a "hairstyle" and I said a silent thank you to the universe that I am alive and my hair has grown long enough (2 yrs out from chemo) for her to play with it and be my "hairstylist." It was a joy.

Our daughter will have a different life as an only child than I had as one of four, but it will be the best life we can give her, full of love and all the extended family and friends we can provide for her.

I hope this helps. (give yourself a hug, and be kind and gentle to yourself.) 

Diane ~  I just sent you a PM.   Deanna

Diane,

I come from a large family,   It was my mother in law who gave me the words of wisdom that relieved  my guilt over DS's only status.  (my mother in law came from a family of 6 kids, my father in law from 8).  I was telling her one day when DS was young about the guilt I felt over him being an only, I couldn't imagine life without my brothers and sister.  She told me that I was fortunate to be so close to my siblings.  She then said, having other children does not guarantee that they will be close like you are with your siblings.  I have 5 brothers and sisters and I was only close to one of them.  He'll find friends he'll be just as close to.  You don't have more kids for that reason because you don't know how it will turn out. 

She was right.  He's developed close relationships with a couple of friends.  When I think about it I know many people who are close to their siblings, and many who aren't.  I recently helped out a friend after her breast surgery.  Her siblings were no help at all. She had me though.

My mother in law gave me many pearls of advice I didn't always appreciate enough at the time.  I really miss her.  Hope somewhere she knows how much I've appreciated her advice over the years.  

I can very much relate to the guilt aspect, even when it's completely out of our control. I was around 22 when I had my daughter. I was on birth control pills, too, so the pregnancy was quite a shock to me and my Starter Husband. We were both in the military and had not "planned" to have any children at all until many years later.

As it turns out, a few short years later, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. In the process of treating that they discovered a malignant ovarian tumor. The die were cast. No more children for me. 

When my daughter was younger, she constantly begged for the little brother/little sister. By that time, as my Starter Husband had moved on to, shall we say, "greener pastures," it was fairly easy for me to play it off. 

By the time she was a teenager, she was quite happy knowing that she didn't have to compete with any other children for my attention, love and, well, "stuff."

Her "only" status was harder on me than it was on her apparently. I came from a large family, 6 boys and 3 girls. So the idea of not having a sibling around was so alien to me.

On the other hand, she cannot comprehend having sibilings. She has had a few very close friends over the years, but she has said to me, "Mom, with my friends, I can take a break. If they get on my nerves or get into a snit, I can just stay away for awhile. With a brother or sister around, you just can't do that, can you?"

Not that that's a good reason NOT to have siblings, but that private space concept is true. I had to hide away in my room when my siblings became too much to bear. But that was only temporary because the fact is, they are always around!

Anyway, she grew into a very strong, independent, and, of all things, patient young women and is a super mom to her own 3 boys.

It works out. Those who are a sibling, can't imagine any other way; those who are onlies, same deal!

Diane-

I too have an only daughter after 7 IVF cycles. At 16 she has grown into a special young lady who has a joie de vive that I have always attributed to her being a whisper of not being born. When she was young and cried for brothers and sisters, I would tell her that God could only give me one so that is why she is extra special. Like others have said, at 16, she has come to love being an only. She appreciates the love and attention that she is aware that so many of her friends don't have. I worried that she would be spoiled but to date, teachers, coaches and other family members assure me that this is not a worry.

In addition, as was mentioned, my brother hasn't spoken to me in two years- I wish I knew the reason. So having siblings is no guarantee of closeness.

I worry that when my husband is old and gray that her onliness will be a burden. My husband and I will work hard to minimize being a burden on her.

I think that at 16 I am fortunate that she understands my dx and treatment. It must be must harder with your daughter who is younger. My daughter , as I think most moms would agree, is the reason I am going to beat bc and am fighting hard, We can beat this. If IVF taught me anything is you have to fight hard to get what you want.

Barbara

Diane-

I completely understand what you are saying. My daughter is 2. I had her at 42 after tons of fertility treatment. I tried for a year after her but had to stop when I got BC.I wish I had started sooner. I really wanted her to have a sibling. Its so sad. I feel like I failed her and now what if the breast cancer takes me away?? She will have my family and friends but not a sibling.

Maybe when it is all over I will try to adopt. If anyone will let you adopt with a cancer history.

I guess it has to give us more drive to make sure we are here for them.

It is interesting that you bring this up because no one I know understands how I feel about this.

Hi Diane,

I too have an only child..............not from choice.She was 19 when I was diagnosed, and like you , has no one other than me. I`ve always felt guilty that she`s an onlt child, but in conversation with her, she seems to think she doesn`t miss what she`s never had. It seems logical.she was 19 then , now 25 and just had her own baby..............they are my life, and I`ve been fine for almost 6 years.

Love jaycol7452

I also have I child, a 9 year old boy. He has never begged me for a sibling. He loves being an only child...he is too jealous to share me. He is even jealous of the dog!  He was conceived after many years of infertility via IVF and I thought it was too late to try for a second. I wanted to enjoy the one I had and not be involved in more infertility procedures.

I certainly worry what will happen to him in the future without having siblings but as with us all, he will have to find his own way.  

I know I have the biggest motivation to conquer this and be around for him as long as possible!