My wife wishes to leave me now that her chemo is over

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Michael_S
Michael_S Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

After one solid year of surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, Herceptin, and all the heartache

that she can bear, my wife of 32 years now says that she is re-assessing our relationship and

may wish to break up. I have always been a good husband and father, have stood by her

through this whole thing, and quietly bore my own desperation and fear without laying any of

it on her. After all we've been through, now this.......

All I ever expected is that we could go into our golden years happily together. She now views

me as some kind of impediment to her ultimate happiness. She has always been my

happiness, and am now faced with her leaving. Its as if we both have been married to

a third person called breast cancer. I only have love and compassion for her, yet she

sees none of it, nor wants it. This is the saddest day of my life. She is so unemotional,

distant, and driven towards something else that will not include me. I didn't even expect

gratitude. I just want to continue loving her, but she does not seem to want this. Why?

What shall we do? How can the woman who I have spent half my life with just cut me loose

after giving my all for her? 

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Comments

  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2010

    ((((((((((((((((((Michael)))))))))))))))))))))

    I hear your pain & distress.

    I can't begin to imagine the loss you feel at this moment.

    I trust there will be bright people any minute to help guide you. They will say important things.

    I just wanted you to know that I will say a prayer for you and your wife as I drive to the pharmacy for a prescription.

    All I can say is that this disease does indeed eat at your mind, and spirit in addition to your body.

    Be strong, still.

    Be courageous, still.

    Continue to put one foot in front of the other.

    xx00xx00xx00xx

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  • BMac
    BMac Member Posts: 650
    edited January 2010

    I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Having cancer is a life changing experience and it makes us re-evaluate our lives.  I can only think that maybe your wife has been unhappy for awhile but didn't acknowledge it and now she feels she must make a change to ensure her own happiness.

    This must be devastating for you.  You obviously love your wife very much and have been there for her throughout everything.  It's apparent that you didn't see this coming.  All you can do is let her know how you feel about her and then give her space.  Maybe going for counselling will help you work through this.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited January 2010

    o Michael.. i wish I could say something that would help - I'll include you in my prayers.  I hope she'll consider seeking some counseling.  a good marriage is a terrible thing to waste.

    maybe she really needs some space. 

    My husband loves me immensely.. far more than I love him.  I just don't have that capacity to love another person that much, or at least have not experienced it.  He always surprises me with his ga ga eyes.. he really really loves me.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I did change, in that I realized that my life was too short to not do the things I wanted to do.. to not put me first for once. 

    I love my husband and family and serve and love them willingly.    I need my space tho, and my husband has no conception of that.  he follows me around like a sweet puppy.  he has no idea that I like to be alone.. and that's ok for me.. cause i have a great guy and some things are worth sacrificing for.

    i pray things work out for the two of you.

    she did say that she MAY want to break up and this indicates that she wants something.. maybe you can give that to her.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited January 2010

    Your wife is probably going through the stages of death, believe it or not. There are seven steps and she needs to go through each one to move on. She is grieving the death of her health. Please consider counselling. You are in my thoughts....

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited January 2010

    Perhaps it is her way of telling you she doesn't want to cause you any more hurt.  Not that she doesn't love you.

    Gentle hugs.

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  • Michael_S
    Michael_S Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2010

    I thank all of you for your kind words.

    It is ironic that I should devote one year of total support to her,

    with the fear that I should lose my wife. Now, as her health improves,

    she wants to lose me.

    All I can offer is compassion and try to understand the unfathomable.

    Thank all. I hope for  the best for her, me, and all of you.

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  • 1marmalade1
    1marmalade1 Member Posts: 308
    edited January 2010

    Wishing you all the best, Michael.  It sounds like you have done a remarkable job in trying to deal with the past year.  The year ahead is the one you have to concentrate on now.  Stay strong and well, and hopefully at this time next year things will be looking brighter.  Take care of yourself.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited January 2010

    MIcheal, you have the right to counselling without your wife...it may help you no matter what the future holds. You are suffering a death as well...the death of your marriage. Good luck to you.

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