How to help my husband understand?

Jeannette, You know, of course, that you don't have to log in to read the posts on this website, yea?  It's best not to ever write anything on any website that you don't want the whole world to be able to read.  Not ever.

I think it may be harder on our loved one's when we are dx'd with BC.  At least we know what we are up against, how we feel and our fears, most of which is hard to articulate to others who have never been here.  As women, mothers, daughters, sisters...we tend to try to protect our loved ones from the reality of how we really feel.  That being said...I am truly sorry that your husband does not get it and is not supportive.  My DH has been supportive and there for me but I have found that he is more emotionally distant then before my dx.  I know that I had expectations, realistic or not, and I have to deal with my own feelings on how they were met or not met.  I Thank GOD every day for this site and the women here who 'understand' - the good, the bad and the ugly - I never feel alone when I come to this site and although I do not post frequently...I am so grateful for those who do post.

Jeannette - I use a nick name that I have never used anywhere else, do not link to my caring bridge site or use my last name...I know everything I write is accessible to the world wide web and wanted to feel like this was a safe place.  Even knowing all this I still monitor what I say... 

Hi Day!  No, I didn't know that...I had just talked about my hard times with my Husband on this thread, & felt bad thinking someone in the family might find it...But it was posted here for a couple days....I'll just make sure of posting things I wouldn't care if anyone else read...

Sometimes it helps to hear what other women do....And how they deal with situations....Being married for 52 years wasn't always a walk in the park...Ha!   You just have to find your own way, I think!  thanks Day!  Jeannette

RRN - I was married 3 years also when dx last year.  It was very upsetting and difficult and took us a while to get our bearings.  While I didn't have the problems you are unfortunately experiencing, I will say that most men are just NOT the hovering, nurturing type. He  did well, but I had my mom come for my first and last chemos (I am 52 btw) and she REALLY took good care of me. When my daughters (in their 20's) came, they fussed over me, made sure I was comfortable, and yes, made sure I ate and drank (it is easy to avoid that during chemo).  He would do what was asked, but not usually initiate to ask what i needed. It's just a different mindset.

That being said, I saw the psychologist at our cancer center a number of times during treatment. It REALLY helped to work with a professional who deals ONLY with cancer patients and really GETS IT.  At one point, i was stuck tryign to communicate with my husband about a particular element of treatment and I brought him in with me for 2 sessions to work on it and it REALLY HELPED!  PLEASE check into if there is a similar support system of counseling through your cancer center or hospital. It may make a huge difference.

I would also say do not make any huge changes right now. No matter HOW MUCH you think you are thinking clearly, you have been through a HUGE ordeal (are still goign through it actually) and it takes a while to get your bearings.  it isn't the time to make a permanent decision. I do appreciate your strong independent streak though - sounds a lot like me. I was single a long time and vowed never to marry again. But I am glad I did.

PM me if you want to talk more about this.

Amy

rrn, i'm so glad to hear you had a wonderful time in Colorado.  Re: your husband, some men are just terrible and useless about illness in their partner--and that is why it is so important to get support elsewhere--and you are doing just that by reaching out on this board.  And Kudo's for your wonderful attitude that "NOTHING IS GOING TO GET ME DOWN RIGHT NOW"--you Go Girl!!  Check in often and let us know how you are doing.  Don't forget there is a radiation section here too.  I just finished 19 rounds of radation on Wednesday--Radiation is very do-able.  What really worked for me was using Aquafor twice a day and I drank a half gallon of water every day (that's 8-8oz glasses of water).  You have a great attitude.

Liz 

First off let me say how sorry I am that you have to be going through this, however I know exactly how you feel......I feel like my husband has downplayed this so much as well BUT I DO KNOW how much he loves and cares for me, but ever since the first day of re-take after re-take of my mammo's and I was concerned and worried and he just basically BLEW me off and kept telling me along with many friends of mine that every woman goes through this and YOU WILL BE FINE!!!! Well truth be said I am going to be fine, but this has been very emotional and I am lucky to have many wonderful friends who have NOT said that or acted like this is no big deal, when in reality it really is for the person who is going through this.  I have DCIS which tends to be another "oh thats it....stage ZERO, you'll be fine"  That is the other thing I find is that many people tend to blow this off because it is NOT invasive......for me that is, mine is not........We have been fighting non stop for almost 2 months now and I feel really hurt but I truly believe it is his way of dealing with this when women tend to want to talk this out to make ourselves feel better....he tends to ignore hoping the situation will get better on its own....

 I pray that you can resolve this and or move on and be happy with your choice!  Just remember you are not alone in this and I wish you all the best! 

I just love this sight.....I am so glad I stumbled across this and I don't feel as alone as I once had