Do/did people support you?

Jules824 · November 2009

Hi, Since my diagnosis in August, I am finding that my friends (all but one old neighbor of mine) have dumped me, stopped answering emails and no one calls. I do have my husband and family thank God, but I miss my friends so much that I often sit and cry. Why do people do this?. My husband is very quiet and I feel bad burdening my son and daughter so I talk about other things. I dont want attenteon, I just miss my friends. I have had friends since junior high, all gone now. Did your friends stick by you?

tammyj38 · November 2009

I had the same thing happen! When I got my diagnosis I let my closest friends know. I was looking to them for support. All had the same response, "Whatever you need, anything, I'm here for you." When I'd ask someone to go with me for one of my treatments they all had excuses. Through out my entire treatment; 18 weeks of chemo, surgery, 33 rads, no one came by to see me, to ask how I was feeling, if I needed help with anything, etc..... They just disappeared! My own mother wouldn't even call me! My stepdad called my husbands cell phone one day to ask how I was doing. My husband said "well call the house phone and talk to her!" He said he didn't want to bother me! It would have been nice to have been "bothered!" At least then I would have felt like someone cared! My twin sister was the only one that was there for me. I thank God for her! She would take off work and go with me for my chemo treatments. When it came time for radiation of course she couldn't take off every day so I went alone. Two hour drive to St. Louis every morning and 2 hours back by myself. My husband wouldn't go with me. My husband is the type that everything is an inconvenience to him. Even though we're self-employed grain farmers and my rads were Dec-Jan and he had nothing to do he still wouldn't go with me! It's been almost a year since my treatments and I try not to be bitter but believe me it's hard! Just this afternoon I had a good cry! I feel so alone! If I lived close by to you I'd be there for you! Who knows maybe we're not far apart. Where do you live? Anytime you need someone to talk to send me a message! Having gone through it myself I know what you're feeling. Hugs to you and best of luck with your treatments!

Tammy Willmore

sbmolee · November 2009

Pretty common occurrance and I think that is why so many friendships form here. If you are not personally experiencing or experienced BC - folks just don't get how consuming of our thoughts it can be. My kids got sick of hearing about things expecially after the surgeries were over - like I could just put it out of my mind....it is a part of me and will be for the rest of my life. Friends get sick of talking about it and to their defense - they have other things going on in their lives that they need support for as well. You can come to this site any time ~ night or day and always find someone who understand and is willing to listen and discuss the minute details. We understand and care. ((HUGS))

keno41 · November 2009

I also think people are afraid of cancer. I had a friend tell me she didn't call because she didn't know what to say.

pabbie · November 2009

Sorry, yes it's hard to find support. This site is a life-saver. Sometimes I would get so lonely it was just God and my psychiatrist which I'm grateful to have both. Take care and you can PM me at any time if you'de like.

BMac · November 2009

I found the same thing. Some people disappear including my two sisters, who I no longer have anything to do with, and my best friend who I just see once a year when we got out for dinner before Christmas because our husbands have been friends since high school. Luckily they go up north every weekend so we don't socialize at all.

I also found that people I expected nothing from stepped up out of the blue. I try to focus on that but it's hard not to feel hard done by when the people you thought would be there for you just aren't.

I find myself crying still when I think about those who let me down. I was there for my sister when she had chemo but she couldn't even pick up the phone.

bf2009 · December 2009

I am seeing some of that happening and what I'm doing is planning now for resources I may be able to use in the future. One of them being a prayer group as I can be sure GOD won't let me down. I'm also looking into my health insurance plan to see what they offer in the way of home services like home health as my energy goes I may need some type services like that in the near future.

I'm going to do all I can to make sure I get help, as I see my husband isn't going to be any help... he is feeling too sorry for himself now that he has to do some chores and says I should feel sorry for him he has a wife with BC. So, I already know he is going to be the wrong one to count on and trying to learn and gather all I can for when I rreally need some help.

I think my insurance may have some things I can use and I think local cancer agencies have some support groups to connect with others locally in person, who share the same experiences.

Life is hard, people let you down, but you have to keep trying to help yourself. Don't give up !!!

foxyroxy2983 · December 2009

I actually am experiencing the total opposite. When I was going through chemo and radiation all of my friends and family were being very supportive. Now that I'm done, it seems as though everyone dropped like flies, no more calls, texts, emails, etc. Just because I am done does not mean that I don't need support anymore. I feel I still need that support because the adjustment to normal life is so damn difficult and depressing. People suck!!

worldchampmom · January 2010

Amen sister! Friends all go away. Do they think they are going to catch your cancer? husbands are hit and miss too. What the heck. I cry all the time cuz I feel so alone. Sure like your horse. Had to sell mine. Wish we were closer. Hang in there. We are in this together.

Hoolianama0508 · January 2010

This is a time when you find out who truly cares about you. All my best friends have stood by me, even though we do not live close to each other. I find that aquaintences fall by the wayside. There is a lot of ignorance still out there about cancer.

Although it is depressing, you have to let people show you who they truly are. The ones that stink, cut them loose.

desdemona222b · January 2010

A good friend of mine was going through treatment for a year and I stopped contacting her because she didn't call me back. I figured she was sick of talking about nothing but breast cancer and didn't feel like talking, anyway, because she was so ill. Turns out I was right - she told that was what was going on during her treatment.

KLee · January 2010

This happens alot, and not only with friends, but most especially with family members.People are weak, insensitive and frankly just plain ignorant about cancer in general.

somanywomen · January 2010

Wow, that sucks about all of your friends/family deserting all of you....My older sister and I had not had a relationship in about 2 years prior to my BC dx, she was one of the last to find out and now things are back to our bigsister knows best (her), even though she has always been bossy, I did miss her and even though all we talk about when she calls is things going on in her life, it's ok, I'm tolerating her a lot better now....Another friend that I had been close to also found out and called and she has been great, we talk everyday, she goes to rads with me sometimes, and it's good to have her back also..My other friends that I did voluteer work with keep calling to see when I'm coming back...My mom has finally stopped wearing so much perfume that we can actually go places together....My husband couldn't be more supportive....

Now, the two people that I am having problems with is my daughter who's father died a couple of years ago from cancer, now I have bc, and she still won't stop smoking even though she is worried to death about getting cancer...I ask her all the time and she justs gets mad and gives some excuse...So I find that we do not talk as much as before.....And then there's my little sister who used to call me everyday and we could talk about anything....Now all she asks is how are feeling (I am feeling fine) and what time do you go for treatment (I go to rad appt same time everyday) and then she asks, how many more do you have (I have one less than yesterday),,,So I feel that she is only calling as a duty and that her what she thinks is secret gambling addiction has totally engulfed what is left of my once sweet and caring sister......

LeapFrog39 · January 2010

I've had it go both ways. As a single person I've dealt with most of it by myself, but I always have someone I can call. early on, some people stepped up, some freaked out and I never heard from them again, but I agree with foxyroxy...after chemo people think the worst is over and you don't need support anymore, but I've actually found it harder to deal with things now than I did during chemo.

Everyone has their own life, though and I don't want drag anyone else down, and I want to be sensitive to whatever is going on in their lives....that being said, It can get pretty lonely.

Anonymous · January 2010

This seems to be the common thing. I think cancer scares a lot of people and they just think they need to leave us alone, but that's not true.

Sierra · January 2010

Hi there

: yes friends can disappear

and some of mine did

Now, I am at near 10 yrs out

popped in to this thread

and can honestly tell you

most of the gals who rang me over the season

were BC sisters..

Oh, I had my ex call

and... a 40 yr old friend

2 40 yr old friends

but some of the ones from my city here

steer clear

I am on my own as well

so life can be a bit more lonely at times

Now that I am a senior and reside in

a senior complex, many here have dx with Cancer

I would nt think of not helping themi n some way

that is the way I am.. we all need to help

each other out in life

My very best to you

you will be fine

with all the sisters here

Hugs, Sierra

TXBadboob · January 2010

When I was dx'd with BC, most of my family rallied around me. My friends at work were surprisingly the best during my tx, including my boss.

My best friend, who was/is going through some major probs with her husband, granted, was never there for me through the 6 mos of chemo, but brought a movie over one night to watch after my mx. That was it.

My son, who was also going through some probs with wife, granted, didn't know what to say to me for the first month after dx, then was better about calling, but didn't come to visit me hardly ever, even though we live in the same area. He came around better for my surgeries.

I sent an email out after dx to let everyone know what I would be going through, and almost all of them sent back that they were glad I had let them know. My DIL told me that her mother was shocked that I had sent that out, that she would never go through chemo and could not bear to lose her hair, she would just die. DIL sounded like she agreed with this and was confused as to why I would go through this tx. I was so hurt by this, I cried for a week thinking about it. We have been doing better since then, though.

My DH went through the whole thing with me. Sometimes I felt it was only out of duty, but at least he was there for me. Now he can't understand why I can't just get over it. Yesterday I was telling him that I need to find some real friends, and he told me "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it really makes people uncomfortable when you talk about your cancer". This hurt me anyway, and I told him that something this life changing can't just be put away like that, and tough s$%t!, if they were real friends I should be able to talk to them about my fears and experiences, including him! Now I am depressed about it all over. I am going to a support group, but these feelings are not going away, and I don't know what to do. Every time I think I'm past it, I feel hurt again. Sorry to rant like this, but I appreciate your hearing me out

Deen

just4ann · January 2010

I have been avoided like I have the plague. I have discovered I have absolutely no friends. My family is supportive to a degree -- they help with the house work -- but they sure don't want me talking about my cancer. My husband has been walking around on eggshells since my diagnosis in August, 2009. He hardly even will acknowledge that I have cancer. Everything has just changed and even relationships with my own family feel awkward and forced. I stay so depressed I can't hardly even stand my own company.

I guess unless you have gone through BC yourself there is really no way to comprehend how completely it changes every aspect of your life. My oldest daughter found this website for me and it has been a blessing to at least have an avenue of support from people who truly understand.

I am glad to know that I am not alone -- but at the same time it is very disheartening to know so many of us are being so isolated. I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but so far it just isn't there. I finish my last Chemo on January 25, but as you all know I will still be far from being free of this battle. My heart is broken for all who suffer this hellish demon. I don't seem to be able to cry enough tears to get any relief..

flash · January 2010

Just4- Please don't take offense at what I am about to suggest: Because you say you are still crying easily, you may be depressed. Do you have a therapist or professional that can help you with the depression? Many times acquaintences will leave not because of the cancer diagnosis but because of the depression symptoms. A study presented in psychology today confirmed that we prefer to associate with people who are "up" and help us feel more "up." Getting some help for depression may swing the pendulum and facilitate your interactions with your family. I hope things get better for you and I agree, the women on this board are the best thing going. Hugs to you.

Kodapants · January 2010

Boy, do I know what you are saying. I have never been so alone in my life. I feel if I do die it will be because of shear loneliness and heartache. I am on a antidepressant and even talked with a counselor with no help. We grieving our own life......the losses just keep piling up. It will be 2 years in April that I was diagnosed and year and a half since the end of my relationship. I haven't even had a hug from a man since then. Other than my son. You lose your breasts, hair, health, sexuality, memory, and forever your security in life. So, yes I do understand. I get up every day and just go on. Good luck

Anonymous · January 2010

We're experiencing quite the opposite. Our friends are all around us and some became even closer.

hmm · January 2010

Everyone was extremely supportive and helpful which I truly appreciated. Guess I am very fortunate with both great friends and family.

Pat

Lowrider54 · January 2010

It has been mixed for me...10 years ago with the initial BC - lots of support. This time being stage IV bone mets, family is on board but few friends and co-workers are - there are many that avoid me like the plague. They think they may catch it or just have no idea how to treat me.

psp2pdx · January 2010

You know I never thought about it. I was so sick I couldn't call anyone. I am more appt. to suffer in silence. My bad.......I have since learned it's okay to accept help. I went through radiation on my own after chemo. I got myself to the clinic at 9 had my rads and by 11 back in the house in usually taking a nap. I would do my marketing right after tx. I was very lucky, everything was close by.

I didn't call anyone back during chemo but appreciated people leaving messages. I think I went into myself too much. I just didn't have the energy for anything. It was enough to keep breathing!!

TXBadboob · January 2010

leprechaun and hmm, you both are very fortunate to have the support that you do. Please be sure and let them know how grateful you are for that. You have no idea how devastating it can be to lose so many because you were diagnosed with BC.

Deen

3monstmama · January 2010

I got a lot of calls etc in the beginning but not so much now. I read somewhere that it makes it easier if you have a contact person who knows everything going on so you don't have to repeat everything. I didn't know who to pick so I put it on our family blog but made it all password protected. Then I told everybody that I had told about the diagnois. At first I spent a bunch of time posting what was happening, what I was feeling etc. I have come to realize that most people that I thought cared weren't checking. I figured it out because there were no comments or I'd talk to the person and they'd ask about something I'd written about at length and they didn't have a clue and would admit to not checking. I guess I will keep writting as its theraputic for me but still, it hurts if I think about it too much.

My step daughter is the type that doesn't know what to say. I was diagnoised at the start of the holidays so telling her [she is grown-up and lives elsewhere] was complicated---"happy thanksgiving, I have breast cancer, will you be eatting turkey?" just didn't seem right. But once she was told, she really dropped off the radar screen. I guess part of it is her age but it still makes me sad as i thought we had a good relationship.

Mostly, I guess I find that the people who did more than just tell me about their lives, are still the same ---they ask, check on me, care---and the ones who would give me long speeches about themselves and ask about me as an afterthought are still the same too.

Anonymous · January 2010

My experience has been great. My friends during chemo made my family dinners... so many of them that I had to freeze a lot. At some points I had to ask for them to slow it down. They also cleaned my house. They went shopping for me or took me along. They sent a ton of cards and called me on the phone.

With Chemo they are making a list of who is taking me so I don't have to go alone. They get mad if I go on an appointment alone. I found out through this experience that I have more friends than I thought I had.

my2boys · January 2010

I just lost my closest friend....yesterday. She was my friend for 11 years. Although I am participating in a clinical trial and just started the meds this week, I tried not to complain too much. I always knew she was self-absorbed, but I treasured our time together anyway. She was comsumed by jealousy over my child's success in school. The poor kid has been through so much this past year and I am so proud of him for working hard and not wallowing in sadness about my illness. Her child is failing, big time and I guess she couldn't handle my son's success. Jealousy is a terrible emotion and it is all consuming.

My heart just broke in two when she announced that our friendship was over......very sad. I guess I will continue to travel this road with the support of my wonderful family and my other friends, but my closest friend won't be by my side any longer.

I hope that if she ever has the unfortunate experience of being diagnosed with breast cancer that she will have friends who are kinder to her than she has been to me.

I am hoping that God will open a new door for me, but until then I will hang strong.

Thanks for listening....it feels better to get it out.

darCraig · January 2010

It sure is a mixed bag! I'm three years after diagnosis, and I found everyone gathered round for the surgery, some dropped out of sight with chemo. I've been having reconstruction these past 8 months - had my last surgery on Tuesday. One friend who was very supportive during chemo has just dropped me! I'm finding that very difficult - don't know why really. I asked her and she said I didn't help her with a job promotion - I guess I was supposed to call her between surgeries and ask what I could do about her promotion, because she never asked me! I don't think that is the real reason, but I'm not going to ask again. She can be quite negative, and maybe the "friendship gods" are telling me it's time for us to part ways, but still, it really hurts.

With surgery #4, I think that people have moved on, and I can't really blame them. The one person who remembered is stage IV BC herself.

Cancer is sure a scary word and cancer "virgins" don't get it. I find it really strange that I probably know many people who have less life expectancy than I do, because of high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, but, it's not CANCER. Those things are coffee time conversation, but mention cancer, and no one knows what to say.

darCraig · January 2010

And my2boys, maybe the "friendship gods" are telling you something too!

kclark · February 2010

I was diagnosed shortly after telling my husband that I wanted a divorce because I was in love with someone else. This action had divided my friends and family, most of them not in favor of my action, and they were stunned. My daughters had to deal with divorce and diagnosis quite a lot for 12 and 16 year old girls. It is almost one year later and I am still with my husband. Some crazy way having BC brought us back together and I love him now in ways I never thought possible, but I lost a lot of friends right out of the gate. Sometimes I will get a call from someone from my past and they will say "I just found out," I start talking about cancer, while they are talking about my affair. The funny thing is most of them would rather talk about my mistakes than my health. After seeing the effect that peoples selfish behavior can have on you when you are sick, I am dedicated to being a positive factor for others. I send cards, make dinners, drop an email, babysit etc. whenever I can because I now know what a difference little things can make. I am working hard to raise compassionate, empathetic daughters. To all of you who were abandoned by your "friends" I am sorry. Be the change that you want to see in the world. Turn their callous ignorant behavior into something positive. Karma is a powerful thing!

Do/did people support you?

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