So Depressed!! Help me!!

zoegr-  well, i've been awake since 4 this morning, feeling about like you are.  I just had a left mastectomy on Jan 2nd, 3 days ago, with reconstruction.  I also had an implant put in on the right breast, for symmetry.  I know just how you feel - for me, it's so much about how I will look afterward, and how I feel about my body.  I've always been someone who liked to look at her naked body in front of the mirror.  Everyone talks about getting healthy, getting well etc.  I do understand that, but boy, it is hard for me to think of coping with a body that is less than pleasing to me.  I also have a boyfriend who is not able to physically be here for me as I'd like him to....I think this affects how I feel.  If I were in a stable, married relationship, I'd probably be less jittery when it comes to how I look.  Just know that I do understand how you're feeling...my body and my looks are very important to me, and it is not just about 'getting well' for me.  Although, I do have to say that I feel it's moving more that way for me...less about my body, and more about getting well... whatever happens, know that I do understand!!

Vivre,  Please keep posting..you are such a great support to all on here..love your posts..  

Zoegr,  Hanag in there honey.....I had  similar feelings yrs. ago when I had my mas.  I also had pretty nice "girls" before the mas. and they took so many nodes out that I was sunken in on one side...bothered me to shower or evern look at my body...I opted not to reconstruct as all I could think of at the time was getting rid of the cancer....After about a year I realized I would not be happy unless I had a breast back..Had reconstruction and they did a lift on the good breast to make me evern...That was 11 yrs. ago and I have been happy with my new "girls" ever since...I am so  perky I can even go without a bra but I don't....My onc. told me that when you lose a body part like that you will have to grieve and it is normal but you DO get over it.  Hope this little story of mine helps you....Love to all you great gals...Claudia

Don't worry gals, I will not desert you. I guess it is the teacher in me. I stopped teaching years ago, but it is my heart. I learned when teaching that the most important part of my job, was just getting my students to believe in themselves. I taught PE, so I often had students who thought they had no athletic ability. I just wanted them all to love participating and to find an activity they enjoy so they will continue to do it. It has been very rewarding to come here and see that I can still be a motivator. One of the many little blessings that have come to me, after bc. And believe it or not, there have been many many more.Some day I will put it all in book. The point will be that you can look at all of life's challenges as something that makes you a better person instead of the worst thing that could happen to you. But as a mother, I always knew there could be much much worse things than bc.

One of the most important things I learned as a teacher, is that we can never stop learning. I know it seems overwhelming right now, because there is so much to learn about getting your lives back, but if you keep opening your mind, you will learn more and more. Knowlege really is power. I got so fed up with all the negative crap my doctors kept tossing my way. And I LIKED my doctors. I just did not like the fact that they did not know me enough to give me the personal attention I needed. I did not like the fact that they believed that only THEY had the power to heal me, when I knew that the power was mostly within me. Yes, they had the talent to do surgery and everything, but that was not going to heal my soul, and only healing my spirit was really going to get me well. I had to do that on my own. It is interesting that some of you say that you are not happy being alone. That is when I found I healed the most. I began to relish my time to think.  People are just distractions sometimes and they may do and say the wrong things. That is why I loved my walks. It was just me and God. I had to work through so many emotions, anger, fear, regret, and most of all anger. Yeah, I know I said that twice, but that was the hardest for me. When I let it all go, it felt like not only a huge weight was off of my back, but I now had this little angel sitting on my shoulder. It takes a while, but it will happen if  you open your heart and begin your search. Walking is not just about the exercising. It is about looking around you and seeing life and slowing becoming a part of it again. At first I felt like I was walking in a bubble, oblivious to the outside world, but soon I began to notice the beauty around me, and I came back to life. And don't tell me that it is too cold where you live (Okay I know the weather in MN sucks right now, so I will cut you some slack). I did rads all through the Christmas season. I got out and walked in the snow and cold everyday. I like to think that the cold air helped freeze out the toxic effects of rads, because I never got tired like they all said I would. (Oh, how I hated rads!) If fact I was bouncing off the walls with energy. My onc was amazed, but she said she was going to make me her poster child for the importance of exercise. But I guess, as someone who has always loved being active, this was my natural drug of choice.

Annette, it sounds like you are on a pretty good supplement plan. There is no right amount for everyone. I judge by looking at my blood and urine tests to see if they are in a good range and by the way I feel. Not the RDA, which is always low, but in the range that is recommended in the books I read, for cancer survivors. It took me months and months to get my Vit D level up, and I was taking 6000iu. You really should look into the iodine connection. Check out the info at breast cancerchoices.org    Dr. David Brownstein has been spearheading the research. His book "Iodine, why you need it and why you can't live without it" will explain it all. There is definitely a link between breast cancer, thyroid, and iodine. We have a long thread here that you might want to check out.

I was lucky that I did not lose my breasts. I always thought that I would not be able to look at my scars and being reminded of the whole ordeal. My breasts were always the only part of my body that I liked.  But now my scar is a badge of honor. I may be really lopsided (I was too chicken to do any more surgery), but I am not just a survivor, I am a thriver now. I know you will all get there too!

Vivre,  Amen to all you said...yes, I do live in MN and believe me it has been cold.....I also retired from teaching 4 yrs. ago and one of the things I kept was all my outdoor gear so yes, I do walk every day even at -30 below...I have lots of down clothing, face mask,  yaktrap cleats so all you see when you go by me is a couple of eyeballs...Oh,  it has been my tranquilizer...just like you I love and enjoy the outdoor beauty and quietness of soul....your right on girlfriend...Claude

Dear Vivre....

So glad to hear that you exercised during rads.  I am praying that my oncologist is right about my being able to train as I have signed up to do the 70 mile cycling route of the Seattle LiveStrong something like 2 weeks after I am finished with them.

I am also exercising throughout chemo.  I figure I will be dragging anyway, so I might as well be dragging and fit.  So far have kept to my plan and this is with AC every two weeks for six infusions.  Last one is Monday, then on to Taxol (same schedule).  I will do a three mile walk later this afternoon, and I already did my weights/crunches routine.

I was fortunate not to lose my breast or nipple, and really look just great in my upper body now that I have been doing weights/crunches.  I am sculpted and have all my muscle tone back.  Had to back off on the cardio though although I did cycle 22 miles on Sunday (can't do hills).

I quite enjoy having my oncology team just stare at me as I am tons fitter than most of them

Hopefully, I will get to go x-country skiing this week end, but have been loath to do it in the chilly rain when cycling weather was just great in the lowlands.  Again, I can't do the challenging stuff.  Perhaps during Taxol.

I grew up in Vermont so would be out walking or skiing if I lived there.  Just love the snow and cold weather.  Main adjustment was that I needed new headgear as I don't have my long hair any more.

One important item is that Main Squeeze is just fine with how I look.  In fact, I have to regularly return his eyeballs to him.  And things are still just fine that way as well....do sometimes need a bit more "warming up" though.  I actually cried when I had lost most of my buzzed off hair and realized that it didn't matter at all.  And he was already OK with my scars and port....only concerned about hurting me.

This whole experience is a major slog, but I have done those before.  BTW - not as bad as working for my last boss in corporate.  Shared this one with a couple of my friends, and they had to agree.  So my view from the onset.....once I had a good of the landscape.....was just to move forward and get to the other end as soon as possible.  And then to exercise so that I would be as strong as possible throughtout.

Hope this insight helps. - Claire

Clare-I feel I need to warn you against overexercising. You're body has had a big shock and needs time to recover. You should definitely not sit around like many of our doctors recommend (as mine did) but you should not be training for long treks. Keep in mind that many top atheletes get cancer and a lot of it has to do with the huge amounts of stress they place on their bodies. Too much exercise is just as detrimental as too little. When we do hard workouts, our bodies produce a lot of oxidation and our bodies become acidic, a good environment for cancer to grow. Think of people like Dorothy Hamill and Lance Armstrong. I read Hamills bio and her life was incredibly stressful, and she admits her diet was poor. But the point is, just because something is good, it does not me a lot of it is beneficial. Give yourself a chance to heal. I know it is hard. You want to get "back on the bike" and feel normal again. But rome wasn't built in a day.

I love to bike and I love the cold and snow too. We sure have plenty of that right now! But I am lucky that during biking season, I do not have to worry about any hills. Getting back on my bike the spring after treatments was so exhilarating. But I rarely do more than 15 miles. I am a total whimp next to you!

Thank you, Suzanne. I guess it is worth checking into. I feel I need more cardio because in the evenings my blood pressure has been spiking up to 161/96, like tonite, and this is with medication! Boy, I feel like my body is just going to hell. I used to run an hour everyday but had foot surgery and that ended that. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was on my last leg of healing after surgery. I just discovered a lump in my other breast and had an ultrasound on that today but haven't heard the findings, yet. So, just feel alittle overwhelmed. I'm not a very patient person when it comes to healing because I'm used to being on the go. This is definitely a challenge for me but I keep telling myself it could be worse. But I'm going to push myself to do more cardio everyday, somehow. I will check into the yoga. It helps with breathing and relaxation, also, right? Thanks for the suggestion. Oh, I don't think it sounds wimpy at all. It sounds refreshing! Hope you are well.

Nettie