Starting Chemo April 2009

To all you wonderful women!

At a time in my life when I had never felt so alone, I found this site and subsequently found all of you! Without you and all your continued support, I am not sure that I would have come this far. For that, I thank each and every one of you!

I think that we have all found strength over this past year that we never even knew we had. We have been faced with some very difficult challenges, from diagnosis, to surgery, chemo, rads, hearburn, infections, slow hair growth...the list is endless. Yet here we all stand today, ready to face another year with a renewed strength and a belief that nothing can beat us! We have, against so many odds, managed to push forward with our lives. I say, we all drink a toast to ourselves and eachother for that!!!

I wish for us all to have a happy and healthy 2010 and may we never have a repeat of this past year.

With much love and hugs to you all, my wonderful friends, for the Holidays!

Judy xxxxx

Let's have a virtual toast to a healthy 2010 for all.

I'm there.  If I never have to think of 2009 again, it will be too soon!!!

Had my followup PET scan on Tuesday and I just got the "all clear" results, so now I can really breathe and completely put 2009 to rest.

I wish for each and every one of my chemo sisters the same good health - and a much better 2010!!

Glad the results were all clear Chelev xoxox

I check in every day too - just don't have much to say. Life is really taking off and moving fast now. Long stretches of time pass when I dont' think about bc but then I remember and it all comes rushing back. I don't know whether to work on forgetting for longer stretches or to keep it in my mind that I am a cancer patient. It feels a bit schizophrenic, honestly.

But life is good and 2010 is going to be MUCH BETTER than 2009 for all of us.
I never would have made it through without my April chemo sisters. And I mean that. Words alone can never convey.....

Happy New Year to all of us.

With love and in sisterhood -

Amy

I also check in every day but I don't usually post. I think mostly because on an emotional level I feel like c%#p and I'm not getting better. Let's hope 2010 is a better year for all.

Hi all,

Good to hear from everyone. Helen, hang in there! We are all here for you!

Betsy, I am so sorry to hear that you are not feeling great. We are all here for you too!

Dawn, so nice to hear that you have had a good week.

Thank you all for being here this past year - you are all angels!!!

Happy New Year to all,

Hugs, Judy xoxox

Embracing a New Dream!

Well beloveds. The verdict is in. I am in ovarian hypofunction (premature ovarian failure). My gynecologist could barely even FEEL my ovaries when palpating for them by hand. This is good news and it's bad news. Ultimately, it's good news.

The downside is that I will never be able to have children biologically. Not even through a surrogate at this point. My eggs are fried, over-not-so-easy. LOL!!!

The upside is that this is the state my body needs to remain in so as to limit the amount of estrogen flowing around. I need SOME estrogen to protect my heart and bones, but beyond that, it's poison. Managing limited amounts of estrogen in my body will give me the BEST chance of not having a recurrence of breast cancer in the future.

I always knew this would be the likely outcome of the life-saving treatments I underwent this year. But hearing that it's actually a done-deal, no turning back...well, that's a bit sobering. I could spend lots of time, energy, and money trying to revive my fertility, and it's quite possible through the many miracles of science, I could personally enjoy the miracle of birthing my own child. It's been done for women with far more severe cases of breast cancer. Some of them had recurrences, some of them did not. I still can't wrap my brain around the ethical dilemma of bringing a new life into the world by taking your OWN life into your hands, but I suppose each woman has to work that out for herself.

So, as I grappled with this news this week, I kept going back to my testimony at my T6 Party. I talked about "Necessary Losses" and embracing the NEW DREAM God gives you when one dream is destroyed.

I don't know the new dream God has in store for me. But I know I've had to give a few up just in order to survive. And I'm ok with that. I'll choose LIFE each and every time, if given a choice.

So later on tonight, as the clock strikes 12, join me in choosing LIFE and embracing NEW DREAMS for 2010! I'm excited for the future! God bounced me around a bit this year, but HE NEVER EVER LET ME GO!!! And for that, while tired and with much on my plate, I will make my way to a house of worship, and praise His Name and THANK HIM for allowing me to see another year!

My anthem for 2010 is Sade's new single, "Soldier of Love" She sings it better than I can say it:

I've been torn up inside...I've been left behind...So I ride...I have the will to survive...In the wild wild west...Trying my hardest...Doing my best...To stay alive...I'm a soldier of love...

You can hear this on YouTube ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvDaJaU5My4

Goodbye 2009!!! Hello 2010!!!

I'm Living Proof, Alaina

It is so strange to me sometimes when I see how people are so different from each other (and from me) -- I NEVER wanted to have children in any way, shape or form -- I deliberately had my tubes cauterized to prevent "accidents" -- yet here is Alaina who is having to give up on her dream of having them and trying to think positively about what is for her, a less than ideal trade -- yes she gets to live longer with lower risk of recurrence, but at the cost of her ability to have children.

Wow.

Eh, well, Judy, I'm not a holiday person. I don't actually celebrate them myself. My Pack Rat drags me to his family (THEY celebrate) but I just look at it as, "we're going to spend time with my Pack Rat's parents" (or his aunt: we visit her too) -- not "we're celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with them." 

So yes, my Pack Rat was here and we did our usual visiting, but this year the hot flashes totally ruined it for me. I was so disgustingly uncomfortable and, unlike when I'm at home, I couldn't take my wig off or change into something lighter. I had to keep running outside to cool off and missing good parts of interesting conversations (I may not be a holiday person, but I do like my Pack Rat's family, a lot, save one cousin who was thankfully not there).

My Pack Rat returned to his Nest in the North on Wednesday afternoon, but, even if he'd been here, well, neither one of us cares to be out on New Year's Eve (too many police, too many drunk drivers) and his family doesn't do anything for New Year's anyway. In fact, in the 7 years we've been in this relationship (our "anniversary" was 12/28) we've never spent New Year's Eve or New Year's Day together. So I didn't do anything "special" last night (I wasn't even in the mood for a glass of wine!), and today is just like any other, except I don't have to play Friday Musical Cars. :-)

If you celebrate, I hope your holidays were good. 

~Lena. 

Good to hear from everyone. Betsy, Good Luck for Tuesday and I hope that the antibiotics do their stuff!

Lena, thanks for your good wishes.

Hugs to all for a good weekend, Judy xoxox

Geri - thank you for the beautiful post.

Hey everyone...just catching up on your posts..I have been busy venting on the Sept rads threads and with Christmas and New Years and my kids and husband and football and basketball...well it has been crazy..so crazy that I think I am going crazy!

Alaina..I love Sade also....that song is awesome...if only I could remember it...I can't seem to remember things....My DH thinks that is age but if I'm like this at 50 then what will I be...tomorrow?  

Lena.....good to hear from you too girl!  Sounds like you have some fun...(even though you weren't celebrating)...the hot flash thing is great...I am never, ever cold...

Geri...what a wonderful story.......you people are uplifting...even Lena..!

Hi all, just checking in. Titan, good to hear from you, I love reading your posts. Any plans to post a picture for us???

Helen, how are you doing this evening?

Hugs to all, Judy xoxox

Hi Judy. My house this evening is extraordinarily quiet. My son, who lives in the apt in the basement, is away on holidy this week so I am alone here with my thoughts. I look at my hair every hour to see if there is any evidence of new growth (not), thinking about what the gyn told me today (another potential loss) ...... bc has sadly become my life. I started back to work full time today and I hope it will be ok. It was actually good for me because I had to think of other people and not just myself. I see the shrink tomorrow. ....but thanks for asking. Hope you are doing well.   Helen

Hi Titan. Since the bc is 100% fuelled by estrogen I really have to take arimidex. I have no joint or muscle pain but lots of sleeplessness and now gyn issues which are very difficult. I'm hoping my gyn and onc will agree to treatment. I'm almost 7 months PFC and don't have enough hair to cover my entire head so am still wearing a wig when I go to work. (I'm back full time as of this week) ...When I had chemo 5 years ago I lost the nail on my big toe. Everything was fine this time but a few days ago I noticed that same toe nail is turning black....sigh. I would post a pic but I don't know how. If anyone can give me step by step directions I will post. Helen