How to help my husband understand?
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I just celebrated my 3 year anniversary with my husband right before I was diagnosed (together 7). A month before my diagnosis my husbands best friend killed himself and he was the one to find him. We were in total shock! I supported my husband with all I had to help him get through this difficult time. He was a total rock for the friends family. He is a very kind hearted man. Something just happens when it comes to me. He has been absolutely horrible since my diagnosis. Picks fight right before my Dr. appointments. Left me right after my MRI to go spend day with his family. Has not helped with any of my decision making. He does think mastectomy is overkill but I asked him if he would still love me if I had removed and he said he would love me more. At least he said one thing nice. He makes me feel bad that I am depressed. He does not check on me to even make sure I eat or drink anything. This is not new. Anytime I get sick (Cold) he does not take care of me. Acts like I am faking it or something. My Father passed away 6 years ago and he was not the best then either. I am thinking about separating. If he can not step up to the plate now he never will. Do I want to spend my life with someone who is not capable of taking care of me emotionally? My family thinks I should not be making any rash decisions at this time. I am the strong one with my friends and family. I am the one everyone comes to for support. I have nothing to give right now.
I am having my lumpectomy Thursday and he is acting like I have a teeth cleaning appointment.
I keep reading on this forum how great everyones husbands are during this difficult time. Anyones husband become an idiot? Am I over reacting?
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I'm so sorry you're not getting the support from him that you need and deserve. As to the rest, only you can decide what to do. I'm single, so went through this with the help of friends and other family members. I found that some people can't cope, others can. Surround yourself with people who can be there for you, and if you love your husband, perhaps you can overlook his lack of support. If not, then do what you need to do for YOU. This is a tough enough road without lots of stress at home.
Hugs and best of luck to you!
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Perhaps he is in denial about your diagnosis? it is probably comparatively easy for him to be strong for others (esp with you backing him up), but you are his rock and he is angry and can't acknowledge/cope with your fraility and neediness. You aren't over-reacting at all. Perhaps, before you take action - like leaving, you should tell him what you need from him, discuss your feelings and suggest counseling. You both have gone through big emotional upheavals and a diagnosis of breast cancer is certainly a huge challenge to a relationship.
so sorry you are dealing with so much.
Julie E
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Not every guy is a good nurse. Does he help with yard work and pay his part of the bills?
It sounds like he's faithful, and he certainly gave you the right answer on the mastectomy. I think I'd try to get past this stressful time and then make a decison.
You do read about wonderful men on this board, but I think a lot of men are more like yours.
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I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated. I agree with Rose though, it doesn't sound out of the norm for man. They aren't our girlfriends, as much as we try to turn them into one.
Maybe you are expecting more than he can or should give. Leaving the day after the MRI doesn't sound awful to me - was he there for you during it? Did you ask him to stay with you for one, two, three days after the MRI? If he didn't know what you are expecting, is he supposed to guess? It never occured to me to even have my husband go with me to my MRI, much less stay home after, but that's just me. He did stay home after my mastectomy and that's what I expected as I couldn't do anything. He was great about it but I still had to ask for stuff. They just aren't good at guessing.
Why does he need to check on you to see if you are eating and drinking? Please forgive me, but that is something that is up to you, not him.
I think the fact that you said you are depressed explains your reaction to what to me seems to be a very normal behavior on the part of your husband. You are depressed and want to be taken care of like a child, and that's understandable when we go through a trauma. But that isn't what a husband is for and they aren't good at doing it. I bet if you ask him to do things: "Honey, rub my back. Honey, can you get me some tea?" He does it, right?
You say he's a good man, so I wouldn't give that up right. Check out the thread from the woman whose husband was cheating on her during her cancer treatments and wants her to sell the house and won't move out, if you want to see what a real jerk is like.
I would recommend counseling for you to help you deal with your DCIS diagnosis and help you express your needs to your husband in a healthy way.
I hope you feel better soon. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
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Love and fear don't go together. One has to win over the other. Make sure it's LOVE.
Men always get tough when they're afraid.
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RRN, I'm sorry you are having to go through this! It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot lately.
Overall, my husband was really good through my diagnosis and treatment, but there were certainly some noteable slipups like when he compared my lumpecomy and radiation to having a suspicious mole removed. I have a good friend who has had life threatening health issues (not cancer related) and at first her husband had a hard time accepting the lifestyle changes she had to make (though he is great now). I think sometimes people (perhaps men in particular) minimize or ignore the things that scare them and he is probably scared of seeing you upset, uncomfortable and facing a serious health issue.
Hang in there! I would say better to wait until you are through treatment to make any major life decisions. At least for me, diagnosis and treatment was stressful enough without trying to make other big changes in my life, and I had difficulty managing stress until I was done with treatment.
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I really wish I could remember exactly how my (male) therapist explained this issue with men to me. But, basically, most men either don't want to or can't deal with life threatening issues. Many don't realize the severity of it.
Keep in mind that men, in general, don't go to the doctor the way that most women do. Women generally take better care of themselves with yearly check-ups, dental visits, etc. Women are also more likely to go to a doctor when they think something is wrong.
Most guys are not like that. They usually overlook or ignore their health.
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when my mom was going thru bc treatment, my father seemed to act like it was "no big deal". He definitely knew the seriousness of the situation, but I think it was his way of coping, his way of not falling apart, trying to keep life as normal as possible. My mom eventually did tell him that she needed more from him in the way of support and he stepped up to the plate. Sometimes you just have to sit them down and tell them exactly how you're feeling and what you need from them.
anne
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I am sorry that your husband is not giving you the support you need and deserve because he is clearly capable of giving that support to others. I had my husband read your post. He thinks that your husband could be a "hero" for his friend's family because no matter how close they were, his friend's death was "external" to his life. Your cancer, however, is very personal and affects his life directly. Any plans the two of you had before your diagnosis have to be put on hold while you go through your treatment. Despite the "in sickness and health" part of your vows, he never thought that this would happen to HIS life. He is frightened and he is distancing himself emotionally to protect himself. His fear is also coming out as anger, not at you but at your cancer which makes him feel powerless. After all, "real men" should be able to protect their wife (and children), but he has "failed" because he could not protect you from cancer.
Cancer sucks and while we would have preferred to never have to deal with it, my husband of 28 years and I have found a renewed level of closeness and intimacy through my 2 lumpectomies and my recent unilateral MX/SNB/immediate DIEP. He is a grouchy patient and not a natural caregiver. The men in his family have what I call a "selfish" gene (probably not all that uncommon in the male animal), but he has overcome his natural tendencies to become an absolutely amazing caregiver and partner through the last 6 months of tests, appointments, surgeries and recovery. He always asks if he can get me anything and chases me around the house (I move slowly post op so it is no big challenge to catch me) to let me know that I am still attractive to him. When my third path report finally came back clean and showing no nodal involvement last week, he confessed that he had been terrified that I might die and leave him alone. His best friend was killed in a plane crash several years ago and while he grieved for him, he coped with it. The thought of my death, however, scared him in a way he had never experienced, but he decided that he had to "suck it up" and be strong for me. He was and is and knows that I appreciate it more that I can ever say.
He suggests that you sit your husband down and tell him how his behavior is making you feel and tell him what you need from him right now. If he needs to talk to another husband who has been there and who can help him put things in perspective, PM me. My husband said he would be happy to see if he can help him wrap his brain around what is happening and what he needs to do to step up and be the partner and husband you need to see you though this scary time.
Good luck.
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I'm so sorry he's not giving you the support you so badly need during this time!! I agree with the others; I don't think it's uncommon, and I don't think it's "unfixable." DEFINITELY don't make a rash decision right now about something as major as separating. Just like we go through shock when we get the diagnosis... our husbands do too, and they don't often deal with it the same way we do.
Great suggestions to find emotional support in other ways (counseling, friends, family), but ALSO to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him. Spell out specifically what he does that hurts you and what you would like him to do.
If he denies that he's done anything wrong, and shows no indication of wanting to change, then tell him (again) what a BIG DEAL it is for you to have a husband who is loving and supportive during this time, and if he's not willing to be that, then maybe marriage counseling can help uncover the root of why he doesn't want to give you the support you need. (Maybe just those two words "marriage counseling" will shake him up into realizing how big a deal this is!!)
BTW, the worst part of it all is nearly over... the worst part being the WAITING for that lumpectomy... if you're like me, you'll feel immediately better once that's over, and it's relatively smooth sailing from there. Big hugs to you!!
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So sorry you have a caveman for a husband. I have one too. He's a good provider, an adequate dad, adequate husband but definitely not a "girlfriend". I had the lumpectomy last Friday and he yelled at me on Saturday because I was mad that he dragged all the Christmas decorations out...no doubt expecting that I put them all up as usual. He thinks I am over-reacting to this cancer thing and doesn't understand the emotional rollercooaster I've been on...not to mention the de-humanizing biopsies and wire location, endless boob smashing and hurtful mammograms, pushing and pulling the needles and the wire in and out. It's overwhelming. I have gotten through it with the huge love and support of wonderful girlfriends and the fabulous and caring nurses at the outpatient hospital where I had the surgery. I cannot change him and have stopped trying. I can still communicate my disappointment at his behavior and lack of nurturing but I don't think he acts this way on purpose or because he doesn't care. He (they) simply don't know what to say, what to do or how to act. He never learned it growing up. Good luck with the lumpectomy. Be gentle to yourself and let your friends shower you with care.
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Thank you for your support. I am finally trying to snap out of this depression and be proactive. Yes, I did have a little bit of a pity party. I had also just had a miscarriage over the summer and we were in the middle of more fertility treatments when I was diagnosed. I am sorry if I was acting like a big baby.
I had to give the hospital the name and # of person that would be staying with me at the hospital and I sent my husband a text and asked if he was still taking me. His reply was what surgery. He was completely unaware that I had scheduled it. I had told him last week. I told him on Thursday I was getting the genetic testing done the next morning. He called me Friday to ask where I was and I told I was at Dr. getting the test done. He was like what test. I am done complaining. I will rely on my girlfriends more. I have told him what I need. I did ask if he had even looked on-line to see what I had and he bit my head off. My family/friends have seen how he is dealing with this and have spoken with him.
Can I ask you one more question? Since this is all so new to me and I seem to be very sensitive at this time. My husbands friends wife had sent me an email asking me to help her with something. When I replied that I guess she was unaware that I was diagnosed with DCIS breast cancer and would be having a lumpectomy during that time. She replied oh you scared me I just googled DCIS and it is "not really cancer" and is totally "non life threatening" and went on with her stuff. Is this the norm?
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re DCIS = no big deal.....
check out the thread on the DCIS board subject:Don't minimize my diagnosis (something like that, I don't want to back up and lose this!) I am on a tear.....
DCIS is not in and of itself life threatening, it is that it potential will become an invasive tumor. So yes, there is alot of reassuring going on on the web/by doctors etc regarding our very positive long term prognosis. So I can see how your husband's friend's wife could get that impression, however to gall to stay focused on her own needs was outrageous! You might want to post your conversation on another thread which exists somewhere on these boards - the subject of which is the incredibly insensitive things people say ( I think it qualifies!) However, I mean hey, I feel very lucky COMPARED to our sisters with invasive cancers - but we have still been diagnosed and still have to deal with it. Perhaps if this person had an ounce of empathy and had chosen to read further, she would have found that, even though it is not immediately life threatening - it still has to be dealt with with and depending on the amount and location, it may involve disfiguring surgery, radiation, hormone therapy - and as many of the posters on this thread have noted, the waiting period you are in right now is a terrible place to be. You were not overly sensitive, you were dealing with an insensitive twit. AND WE UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL
Julie E
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rrn -
I know it really hurts when your loved ones don't seem very concerned, but I'll bet you anything when he gets to the hospital and sees everything they're doing to you, etc, it's going to sink in what is actually going on. A lumpectomy is a much bigger deal than most people know. I used to think it was basically like a biopsy before I actually got it done.
My son was so upset by the time we got home he was in tears.
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RRN,
Insensitive and stupid people are everywhere. I made it a point to educate my friends and family about DCIS so I didn't have to hear this from them, and I didn't mince words when I told them what dismissive comments do to women facing DCIS. They in turn educated others so maybe somebody else with DCIS won't get this type of reaction.
Please tell your friend for me that those of us with DCIS don't have surgery for fun or something novel to do. Lumpectomy is bad enough and can be disfiguring. Those of us who couldn't achieve clear margins with lumpectomy and were forced to have a mastectomy, one of the most disfiguring things that can be done to a woman, sure as hell didn't do it because DCIS isn't cancer! I wish they would stop calling it "precancer." It sends the wrong message to people who don't take the time to inquire any further.
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Hey RRN,
You're getting more than your share of insensitive people. First: I never tell anyone I have DCIS, I say early stage, non-invasive breast cancer -- for the exact reason you mentioned. Last thing I want to hear is how my situation is no big deal, from some google-happy *friend* who doesn't have a clue. It's ok if *I THINK THAT* but I'll be doggoned if I want to hear anyone else say it.
Anyway, regarding your husband. The behavior is certainly odd. I would not make rash decisions about anything right now, but I would join a support group. Support is what you need!!!
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Thank you again for all your replies and pm's. It makes me feel that I am not crazy and alone.
I had decided to lean on my girlfriends/family more and try to see the positive in things. I had my lumpectomy Thursdays at 4:30pm, had to be there at 1pm and could not eat or drink since midnight. My husband made arrangements for my cousin to drive me to hospital so he could meet us from work. When I told him how hungry and thirsty I was he went into a whole conversation about how he had not eaten alot and how he was hungry. He was good to me while I was in the hospital. I do think he realized that this is some serious stuff. I have had anesthesia several times and have never gotten sick. When I came home from the hospital I could not stop throwing up and was having dry heaves. I was on the bathroom floor. My husband shut the door and was on the other side asking if I was ok. When my girlfriend arrived she was on the floor with me holding my hair, rubbing me back. She was incredible! I am mad at myself that I did not have the house stocked with things I could eat and drink after surgery like broth, jello and ginger ale. Again, my girlfriend to the rescue with homemade broth soup. When I woke up next day I was still nausea and dizzy but I was alone so I had to take care of myself. My cousin had brought take out that night (enough for my husband and I) I could barely touch. When I went to eat next day my husband had taken to work with him for lunch leaving me with nothing to eat. By this time I of course was feeling better and could fend for myself. I had a friend bring me 2 donuts and he came home and ate both without asking. My neighbor brought over an entire casserole last night and he ate 3/4 of it. When I told him I had not eaten any yet and to save me some. I woke up today and he was heating the little of leftovers for himself. I feel like I am being petty but I just don't understand his behavior.
I had taken my first shower and when he came home from work I was standing naked and asked how my breast looked. He said it looked good. Next thing I know he is in the basement. I told him I wanted to talk and he did not come up till bedtime. He said he wanted to watch TV and did not think I wanted to watch. I made a joke that he was hiding in the basement. He has gotten mad that his friends have not called and checked on me. He also has sent out emails to his family about my situation.
I am awaiting my pathology report today. Today is his day off and all he has wanted to talk about was bills and how I can just sit in bed all day. How I don't clean the house or cook anymore. This is not my normal self! I am at least not depressed any more. I will not be a victim! I am just not happy. I asked him why he has not tried to get me out of house and do things. He said he does not have time.
I just needed to vent...
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rrn - your husband and mine could be twins. My husband complains because I am tired all the time and will close my eyes during commercials in the evening. I wouldn't be tired if I just went to bed at the same time every night and got up at the same time every morning, including weekends. (in his opinion). He has been making snide remarks about the fact that he's been doing the laundry (and I thank him profusely for doing that) and that he feeds the dogs "60% of the time" He complains that the house his dirty, but made me fire the little girl that I had come in to sweep, mop, fold laundry, etc. He thinks I am being lazy. For reference - I had left mast 9/08 followed by dose dense AC/T followed by 33 rads followed by Femara. I just had a right mast which was supposed to be proph, but the pathology showed a small spot of DCIS that we didn't know was there. The day of the 2nd mast, he dropped me off at the hospital in the morning and left me there to wait the 2 hours for the surgery to actually begin. He came back later that night. During all of this, I have worked one full time and one part time job.
In my therapist's opinion, my husband cannot deal with the fact that I am not the "superwoman" I used to be...you know the one who brought home the bacon, cooked it up in a pan and never, never let him forget he was a man....all the while raising 4 kids and a menagerie of pets.
If you figure out how to get through to your husband, please let me know.
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HELLO RRN!........ I somehow stumbled upon this tread, & reading about your Husband. The women on here are very supportive of us, who have "these kind of husbands." And they have helped ME a lot, by trying to explain how "they" are feeling.
I know how much it hurts...but you have to build up a place with-in yourself, where all these little hurtful, "mean" things he says, can't get to you. You can always try to please him, & want him to show you tenderness, but sometimes it just doesn't work. If you expect him to show you sympathy...don't. It will only hurt you. You have to live within yourself, or just accept that he IS what he IS! And I know how "sweet" he sometimes can be, but if you are not "living for each other" ......it isn't going to change!
We have been married for over 52 years....But we seemed so much closer than you & your Husband sound, when we were just "newly-weds"....It sounds like you two don't have a "connection" yet. My Husband & I made it "together"......But after we both retired, all hell just broke loose...The drinking, his screaming...I even had a little bag packed, for if I ever had to leave one day....I finally did.... 5 times! But to make an even longer story shorter, we are still together! But we BOTH had to want each other MORE than we ever did...A lot had to change, & it did. Sometimes it never does.
You have to learn to take care of yourself....first! If you are going to make a life together, you need two of you, caring about each other, in the same way. If you are always "waiting for him to change"........ It just won't happen.
When I read what you have gone through, it makes me think, that you are depending on him to make you happy, & to take care of you...It's not supposed to work that way...that is not normal. They will take care of us, if they want to...But you can't make him, nor expect him to.
Some men are just that way...You need to get counseling, somehow! Sure a friend or "friends" can help you through this, and even WE can, but you have to help yourself...also. You just have to be strong enough to take care of your ...heart! I wish you the best of thoughts..Jeannette
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Hi rrn,
How are things? You haven't posted in a while. I have to say that some of the above posts almost sounded as if you were being scolded or made to feel that you are wrong, so just change your expectations.
I will be the lone bird and say that you DO NOT have to accept how he is. Because, it is simply not acceptable. He is causing you so much stress by his selfishness and downright meanness and insensitivity, and stress is the last thing you need right now. Of all the people in your life, it is your husband that you should be able to rely upon for support and strength, when you are going through the most difficult time in your life.
You do not have unreasonable expectations of him. Even your family and friends have noticed how he is being and have spoken to him.
I hope that since you last posted he has really stepped up to the plate and is being caring and supportive. If not, don't feel like you have to stay in this situation - especially at the expense of your mental/physical health. You have options.
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rrn:
I would like to second VinRobMom's comment. I'm troubled by how we always try to make excuses for men's behavior-- just when do they learn to be caregivers and is this the lesson we want our sons to have? The New York Times had an article last month about this very issue-- that a cancer diagnosis often leads to very different reactions from husbands and wives-- wives kicking into full gear of supportiveness and men withdrawing and more often divorcing their wives while they receive treatment! Obviously, only you can know how much you love your husband and vice versa, and there are other issues for many women (I rely on my husband for health insurance). My husband and I were fighting a lot before I received my diagnosis-- and now more than a year after treatment, we still have our issues after 20 years together-- but during the process of diagnosis and surgeries he really came through for me-- changing my drains, driving me everywhere, cooking and keeping my daughter occupied so at 2 she wouldn't be scared of mommy looking really sad and tired. It was after the treatments ended that it got tough for me-- emotionally I was (and still am) not the same-- very angry all the time and worried-- he can't really understand-- most people want us to "get on with our lives"-- but this IS my life. Anyway, I just wanted to say that your situtaion, while not uncommon, is not necessarily acceptable and he needs to know, maybe not from you, but from others in his family, that he must come through for you or he doesn't understand what a husband's love is all about.-- Julie
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My husband did not want to help me in any way or help with care or even learn about treatment. He began to get very controlling and demanding, almst as if seeeking attention for himself?
He threatened to drop my health insurance and leave me if I did not comply to his ( unrealisitc) demands, even calling the police on me to let me know, he had control over me.
So, did anyones husband besides yours become an idiot? I guess mine did, maybe he always was but it took the cancer to make it come through loud and clear.
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bf2009,
He did what???? I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of BC, but I find his behavior emotionally abusive and absolutely inexcusable. You don't say whether there were other signs or behaviors that gave you pause before your diagnosis, but I find it hard to believe that he has had a complete personality and behavior change just because of a BC diagnosis. I can only imagine what he would expect from you if the shoe was on the other foot and he was facing some type of cancer.
Nobody has the right to make any decisions for you about your life, your healthcare or your marriage, but I'd be happy to bitch slap him into the next county for you. He deserves it!
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ok, I am not going to explain this very well, but the combination of the two traumas can render him helpless. If you read the book "I know this much is true" the main characters wife is dealing with this issue. I think the issue is really ptsd from his friends death, and he is not currently capable of supporting you like he should.
He is not himself.
Please please do anything you can to get counseling.
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You are not alone! My husband was concerned and attentive around doctors and other people but w hen it was just us he was less than loving. I know I was quite crabby and hard to live with at times but he was always quick to put me in my place. He even told me to quit playing the breast cancer card! What do you say to that? I thought he would and should be much more loving. Some how I thought he would never be crabby towards me again. I was emotionally crushed and it made the journey that much harder. Boy we need alot of love to get through breast cancer and its recovery. I really understand the pain of having a less than supportive husband. Stay strong and stay positive. You are en awesome lady and deserve the best at this time in your life.
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Sorry I have not been on here for awhile. I have received all my tests back. I was Braca 1 and 2 negative. During my lumpectomy they removed 9mm and I have clear margins. I am ER+/PR-. I have my radiologist oncologist consultation on Tues and need to decide between regular or Mammosite radiation. I am leaning towards regular.
After reading about some of your husbands I feel I have not right to complain. I have never relied on anyone for my happiness. I am actually a free spirit that has always taken care of myself. I have owned my own home since my 20's. I am not a woman that is stuck in this situation. We are both on my insurance. My husband really does have a good heart. He has been better during the holidays. I definitely think we need counseling. I am still not sure I want to stay in this relationship. I have decided to do things I enjoy and live my life to the fullest! I will not make any rash decisions at this time.
Don't get me wrong, he has still done some crazy stuff. He invited his friend to come stay with us from another state 5 day's after my surgery and told me not to worry he would clean the house and get everything ready. The day he was flying in the house was still a mess. I had a cold and had to clean the entire house and entertain for 3 day's. I had had asked him to tell his friend it was not a good time to visit and he said he was too embarrassed to tell him that. I have no idea what that was about.
I wish everyone a Happy New Year!
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Hi rrn !!!!!! Good to see you back! I sent you an earlier post here...There are a lot of threads here talking about Radiation & the MammoSite Device. I had the MammoSite Device implanted during surgery, but I know they also put it in later. I had the 5 days of treatments, & did great! Most women don't get a "choice" and have to do the longer Radiation, but I'm glad I was a "candidate" for the Device! Good luck with your decision!
It sounds like you love your Husband very much...I always did to, until we came to a breaking point. We DID break apart, 5 times...the last time, I was gone for 7 weeks. I went to classes for abused women...It wasn't physical abuse, but the mental abuse just grinds your soul to shreds. The classes gave me strength & courage and so much support! I also went to Al-Anon...My Husband went to the Doctor, took medication for the Bi-Polar, quit drinking, went to a Psychiatrist for treatment, and with our Daughters' help, we started on a slow road to getting back together. This was 8 years ago! And I've never been sorry for getting back together. My point is.......... Nothing will change by itself...It all had to come to a head, and get thrashed around, before it could be "fixed." If I would have stayed, & made excuses to myself, and never did anything different, it would have stayed the same. He wouldn't go to counseling together... He said he didn't need it....so I went to my own! She told me I had better get all of my ducks in a row, & get out of there before he killed me.
I tried talking to a Psychologist even 5 years earlier...I grew up with an Alcoholic Father, & I was living the same life as my Mother...I dreaded going home every night after work, because he was drunk. But I was too afraid to leave...I was afraid I would miss him, & I couldn't think past that moment! I didn't know where to go! So I took it, until I "broke!" It was after MY counseling that I finally got the courage to think about my situation! I found strength, with that support, I made a decision to leave...Actually I ran away early one morning, with my little bag... Sure I went back home, after staying away about 8 hours, sobbing in my car, but I went back to him. I called him, crying so hard I couldn't even catch my breath...He said he was sorry & to come back home. And that was the first time I left...The second time I left when he was gone! I left 5 times before I moved back home for good. For "abused women, the average woman will leave 5 times, but usually return to their abusive spouse". I even filed for divorce...twice!....But my Husband changed...I changed...and we are still together.... If we hadn't gone through that terrible time, we couldn't have found our way back to each other! I love him so much more now, because I know he really loves me.... We appreciate each other, & I would never do anything to hurt his..heart! We are finally "together". And that's the way it SHOULD have been, but WE had to work for it.
Good luck with your little heart-aches...you CAN fix anything you want to! You both have to work at this "marriage stuff" together, to find happiness It ain't gonna be easy, but each of you has to want to live for the other, and to make each other happy! Not just one.....
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I am so sorry for your dx and I am sorry for how your husband is treating you. I was dx in October and I have to admit my husband was so supportive and loving. I do not think he knew how long this journey was going to be and how our "normal" will never be again. I have been married for 20 years and over all I am blessed with a good husband. But until recently, closer to my mx with immediate diep surgery he has not been to supportive he is consumed with his work and he has been putting that in front of me. That hurts. He has been very short with me.He acts like I am going in to surgery to fix it and boom we are done. Me personally, I am the one who runs the house and takes care of the kids.I had to actually write down everything that is going on that week while I am in the hospital. On New Years Eve I was hurt the most, he works 2nd shift and he was suppose to come home and he did not until after the new year I was alone and I was shocked he would do something like that to me. I am still hurt but I am trying to be positive about everything and let it go. I think they do not how to deal with their own emotions during this journey and they lose it!
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Hi Gals...I just wanted to explain why I deleted my previous post.....I was googling & saw one of my posts from another thread! I then typed in "How To Help My Husband Understand"....and all of our posts were there! So I deleted mine, because I had said some very personal stuff about our marriage, & just didn't feel comfortable with anyone on the Internet looking at it. It doesn't bother me for "us women" to read it on this thread, because we are here to help each other. But I didn't know before, that our "posts" were so easy to find on the Internet. You don't even have to "sign-in" to read them. I'm not sure about the "Personal Messages," but the others are all there for anyone to read. So from now on, I'll be more careful...It isn't like "whatever happens here, stays here"....Ha! Jeannette
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