Single, no kids, - how do you cope?

Hi ladies, just checking in...

If the responses to this thread are any indication, not having kids must not put anyone at higher risk for BC. Out of how many thousands of BCO members who might have shown up here, so far there is only CM, LibraGirl, me, Native Mainer, Asedge and Meli. Six ladies does not a risk group make!

CM and Native Mainer, I know just what you mean about wishing there was someone who could help out now and then by fixing a meal, doing the dishes, picking up a prescription, reminding about an appointment or making a phone call. Sometimes I find myself humming that old Carter Family song-- "You gotta walk that lonesome valley/you gotta walk it by yourself/ain´t nobody here can walk it for you/you gotta walk it by yourself." Of course it is referring to death, but for me life has already become a lonesome valley.

CM--I am sorry to hear that you are having such severe side effects from chemo that it is affecting your ability to work and dance. About the DIEP-- one of the reasons I ended up choosing an implant is that I was concerned about the longterm effects on mobility of removing muscle tissue from my abdomen (LAT) or shoulder (DIEP).

So you are a geologist? I studied geology as an undergraduate but the vastness of geologic time made me feel so insignificant sometimes verging on an existential crisis. I ended up veering into the humanities. Of course now that I am stage 4, the existential crisis has intruded on my life anyway.

Lisa

Never married, haven't had a real SO in a verry long time, no kids, allergic to pets, only child, mentally ill mother (who I was supporting, but now I can't). 

No assets, no savings, no retirement account.

Thank God I have friends, but they have limits.

Life is interesting.

CM,

I miss dancing too. I´ve never done belly dancing like you, though. In high school and college I did a lot of modern dance. After that it was mostly Afro-Brazilian. Although I did not have long term SE´s from chemo and am now only on Arimidex, ever since my bone mets dx (cervical spine, no symptoms from it so far) the rest of my bones went on sympathy strike, apparently. I went for several months without being able to walk very well because of an inflammation in my hip joint caused by arthritis. That finally started to get better, but in August I got bursitis in my shoulder. For months I have barely been able to put on a shirt. Carnival is coming up, my favorite street festival of the many wonderful ones that happen here in Brazil. There is dancing in the streets till the wee hours of the morning for an entire week. But the way things have been going, I will probably have to sit it out....grrr!

You mentioned that you have developed new hobbies since you have been forced into becoming more sedentary. What are they? I did a lot of quilting during my first bout with BC. I love it but during my PhD and even more now that I am a harried professor, I just dont have the time, I always have data to organize, classes to prepare for, and papers to write. But I love quilting, it was like therapy to me when I was in chemo and felt too much like a dishrag to eke out a conversation with anyone.

Lisa 

CM--

Computer games, yes, they can be enticing. I occasionally dabble in Freecell (card game). What kind of painting do you do?

The bursitis, they now tell me, is actually frozen shoulder. Or was it bursitis that progressed to frozen shoulder? all I know is I am in constant pain and it is making my life miserable. the hot flashes from Arimidex/Lupron are the frosting on the cake. They gave me a steroid shot the other day and it has helped somewhat but I still have a long way to go.

What kind of neuropathy do you have? When I did Taxol it gave me lots of pain in my ankles and lower legs. I see you were diagnosed in 2007...have you had the neuropathy ever since then? Is there any treatment for it?

Lisa 

Stage IIIC IDC, some DCIS, 10 nodes, hormone+, HER2- in 2007.  Single, never married, no kids, livng with my mom, who is in her 80s.  She is a survivor of roughly 25 years.  My journey has been hard on her, as she is elderly, but still was able to do a lot of the driving for me in the midst of it all.  There was little else she could do, once in a while bring me some food on my worst days, help me with laundry, or with personal care when I put my back out after treatment.  But the exhaustion from the stress had her down a lot, sleeping as much as I did on chemo.  It was just a lot for her.  I think people out there think I have had it great, with my mom to take care of me.  Instead, caring about how she was doing, I probably didn't rest as much as I could have in different circumstances.  I tried to keep her from having to do too much for me, and then there was all the stuff no one could do--the orchestrating, phone calls, appointment making, and just the many, many things I think we all have had to deal with because no one could but us.  She depends on me to do the heavy cleaning and help get meals and such, so some stuff just didn't get done nearly as often or up to the same standard.  People don't understand that, I think.  We have a large family, and holiday time is especially hard because they come home and we do a lot of preparing and entertaining.  I love it, except that my body is still not back up to it.  This year some nieces have said they will help, and I am so grateful.  There is still a lot I will have to do, though, in cleaning and preparing.  Also, I lost my job during treatment, COBRA has ended, I am on disability and most of the funds go for paying a new, less covering, insurance and other bills I have to pay.  I have my own car, school loans, life insurance (thank the Lord), that sort of thing.  I think people do have a mistaken idea that if you don't have to be there for a husband and kids, this is much more of a breeze.  It's been a tough and long road.  I do have faith, but I am human and would never try to sugar-coat it all.  God knows what I have had to deal with, and He has been there in so many ways, but I am just saying this is a hard route for anyone, no matter how strong their faith.  But I have had a lot of support from my church and family, I don't want to misrepresent.  Just that it is all so much more than I think anyone really knows, or even I could explain to them without sounding like a complainer, or ungrateful, or a pity party, or something.  I was 46 at diagnosis, now 49, and have always wanted to find Mr Right, but wonder how I ever will now, so tired am I and always seem to come up with some new medical issue (used to barely go to the doctor!).  And my onc does not want me to blame it on treatment, but I was not like this before!  Anyway, just thought I would weigh in on this topic.  Sorry about your kitty.  I love animals, too.  Have two birds and a fish now, but the fish is old and looking pretty sorry for some time now.  He hangs in there, though.  My mom hangs in and I feel blessed to have her and pray I can get strong enough again to really treat her right.

I wish this thread had been running two years ago.  My story is similar.  I have no friends up here.  My other "friends" faded away.  My sister can't cope with anything, and we weren't close.  Both of my parents came from rather dysfunctional families.  Of the living, except for an older cousin I never really knew, I didn't get as much as a card. 

Lost my 3rd corporate job in 5 years in 2003.  9/11 related.  Lost 11 family members and close friends 2003-2005; 5 in a 30 day period.  Buried my (now ex's) mother, my aunt and dad in 2005, and filed for divorce.  My ex destroyed out credit.  The police and PO were useless and mean.  I moved 4 times in 3 states in 2006.  Took my ex back to court pro se a number of times.  A year later, I was diagnosed.

I was given 24 hours to decide about going into the OR, by a surgeon who ended up screaming at me on several occassions.  Had poor relationships with my initial onc and rad onc.  I told them from Day 1 that I was not everyone else and had limitations in resources.  The nurses and staff (except psych services of all people) were wonderful.  I grew up with medicine and have been a patient of someone's from the day I was born.  I also worked in postgraduaste medical education for a number of years.  I'm used to a very different kind of care.  I did almost everything alone.  I'm always a difficult surgery.  Getting my port in took a team and was way up my neck.  It worked once, and had to be fixed.

 Next time I write, I'll tell you about a wonderful woman who did my reconstruction as a gift.  But, logistically and healing was on my own.  I don't know how I managed.

Mom was useless for me, she's wonderful with everyone else.  I kept my apartment for as long as I could.  Had to give away my cats.  Wrecked my car.  I'm living with my mom a year now which is hell.  The one thing in my life that keeps me going is my dog.  Except, he was fostered out for 10 months, and has been boarded for 2 now.  He's 10, a beautiful, sweet Cocker Spaniel.  My dogs were always my rocks in life.

Have a Master's, plus.  Will never physically or mentally be able to do what I did. Used to travel the world, too.  Haven't worked for 4 years.  When diagnosed, I was put on the Medicaid Breast Cancer program.  If I went out and earned $1, literally, I would have lost my benefits.  After my money and resources ran out this March, I was on public assistance for 3 months.  Then my Disabiity was approved in June - after over two years, and I had to put a firm on retainer to get it.

I have no credit.  Been trying to find a safe, quiet place for Alex and I.  I need to heal.  I have severe major depression and anxiety.  Takes 15 mg and a few hours for Ambien to get me to sleep.  Can't do it here being constantly emotionally battered.   Have some money set aside.  My possessions fit in a 5x10 storage room.  I'm on the east coast.  I NEED to get out of my mom's.  My birthday and Chsristmas are coming up in December and I don't want them ruined again.  If anyone knows of a place, especially a warmer place, let me know.

Does anyone make it out of this situation alive?

Nancy, sweetie, NONE of us make it out of here alive. Just hold on to that thought. Everyone has a story....

Helloooo!  I fit in here --  47, never married (poor b/f choices), single, 1 cat.  I'm trying to find work...  I sometimes have a hard time getting motivated to keep on going. Well, there's my cat, I want to outlive her.  But I just can't follow the advice I've given others -- be curious about the future, find something that gives you joy...  I keep thinking, go on that south pacific island trip, outlive my cat (she's 18!) and then I'm done.  How on earth does one keep motivated to simply keep wanting to go on?  Even without BC my life really didn't turn out how I had hoped.  :-(  Sucks.  Sorry for the downer post.

Elizabeth

I'm so sorry about your cat Connie.  You are having a very tough time.  Delightful -- a recon for Christmas.  Can the hospital arrange home care visits?  They did for my lumpectomy, surely they can for your recon since it's such major surgery.  Or a volunteer from the Cancer Society to come check up on you? 

Connie,

Call the local hospices, senior citizens orgs, etc.  They may know of people who do private duty.  You most likely will not need someone with you 24/7 after the first or second day home.  People can come by and check on you.

Is there an ACS Hope House nearby?  Or does the hospital or ACS or any of the non-profital situatis have a place that family  members of those in treatment stay at?  I don't know where you live in Georgia, but if it isn't too far and you have to go to Atlanta for post-op help, go.  Not the traditional situation, but sometimes you do what you have to do.  You will be so happy with your reconstruction.  In the end, it's worth it.

Nancy

Connie,

I´m sorry to hear about your kitty. And also that the hospital booked you for the wrong surgery. I hope you got that straightened out without too much trouble. Have you already had surgery? 

I have been kind of overwhelmed with dealing with the frozen shoulder. The daily physical therapy is helping quite a bit. It is still pretty painful and there is a lot that I can´t do, but I have recovered a respectable amount of range of motion. That is encouraging because they had told me that it could take up to a year or two. For the pain, the orthopedist prescribed some opiate that isnt codeine and elavil--a tricyclic antidepressant. He said that the affective component to frozen shoulder is extremely significant. Maybe that is what has helped me get some motion back. I still feel pain but it seems to have worked in pulling me out of the doldrums.

Elizabeth, it is nice to see you here. Over there on the stage 4 boards so many ladies post about how their children/grandchildren are what gives them the strength to carry on that I feel alone at times.

Love to all,

Lisa 

Elizabeth,

Yeah, my jaw dropped when he immediately prescribed an antidepressant saying it would work wonders on the pain. None of the oncologists I´ve ever seen have ever suggested antidepressants. They steer clear of emotions. Physical symptoms only. Kind of strange... how many cancer patients DON´T get depressed? If the diagnosis itself doesnt do it, the treatment surely will! 

You are right of course that having children, in addition to helping one to feel that there is a reason to keep struggling, also brings its own set of difficulties. Especially little ones. But I don´t think that it is necessarily more difficult than the situation you are in. For a mother to see her child facing a life-threatening illness must be so hard. Today I went to visit an elderly neighbor whose son just died of a failed kidney transplant. I´ve known her for years and whenever she talked about him, from the tone of her voice I could tell how much she loved him, how proud she was of him.

On the road on Christmas day? Sounds like work calling. But Christmas is on Friday... so you´ll be working over the weekend?

Elizabeth, I also don´t think I´ve ever had a normal relationship, whatever that may be. Some of my college friends got married to the boyfriends they had way back then, had children and are still together. There have been growing pains at times and lately, now that their kids are in their teens, they seem kind of discontent and grumble things about maybe leaving their husbands but hey, it took 20 years to get to that point. The longest relationship I´ve ever been in lasted six years.

I was always a loner as a child. My parents were intellectuals and I was a bookworm. The rural K-12 school I went to served a very different population and I got teased mercilessly for liking to read. My best friend lived over an hour´s drive away. We used to write letters to each other and when we got to be teenagers we were allowed one phone call a week. As I got older and became more mobile I made more friends, but since my mid-30s I have been in Brazil, once again an outsider looking in.

Looking back I wonder if that solitary childhood may have set the stage for self-reliance so extreme as to get to the point of not putting myself into a path that would result in finding a long-term relationship.

Holidays have always been hard that way. All the emphasis on family togetherness just serves to highlight a solitary situation. Hitting the road is a good way to avoid that. Drive, drive, drive and blast the (non-christmas) music!

About your BF, maybe your moving back to Canada will make him re-think, or at least become aware of, some of his attitudes. Maybe the physical distance will reduce the emotional one, allowing him to feel freer about expressing affection when you do see each other, since there is no danger of having to do it all the time? 

Connie, are you back from surgery? How did it go, hon?