one year after BC and my marrige is going down the drain

Options
bex30
bex30 Member Posts: 6
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

Hi, I am one year after BC and my partner and I are so close to separation its unreal, we have had our problems before but now they just seem out of control. when i was diganosed we got really close and thought we will get this together, then our respective parents came to help out and stayed with us for 6 months, helping us and our 2 boys, but also dumping all their issues on us, since the day they rocked up we moved further and further apart. 6 months since they left and i finished all my treatment (mastectomy, chemo, rad, tamox) we don't talk any more and basically are so far apart most of the time that the distance to the moon is close. the quote women are from venus and men are from mars is sooooo true. not sure what i am hoping to get out of this but is anyone out there that is having the same problem???we just had again an argument about me not communicating with him and he has suggested again for the umteenth time to go our seperate ways after x-mas. when does one know a marriage is over?? when do you say we have found the point of no return? we have tried counsellors but they are just crap, i had individual councelling, but am no wiser than befor, i am lost and floating not sure where i am going and now i have to hold my husband too.how??anyone any ideas?? cheers

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • lassie11
    lassie11 Member Posts: 1,500
    edited November 2009

    I don't have any great advice - my now ex left me years before either of my diagnoses. If I had it to do over, I'd see a lawyer sooner. Best therapy I ever had!  I'd suggest a counsellor, but you have already tried and I know what it's like for him to refuse. Yes, it costs money, but it lets you know exactly what your options are.  Faced with the financial realities, he might just decide that communication is a better option.

    If he leaves anyway, perhaps it will be in a more civilized manner and the road to being single will be smoother. Now that it is more than a decade later for me, I can't imagine why it was that I wanted him to stay. You can get through this. You already got through something just as hard.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Mantra
    Mantra Member Posts: 968
    edited November 2009

    I am truly sorry you are going through this. Quite often, marriages that were shaky before major issues came along (illness, financial etc), are just not able to survive. It's tough. I've been there before and raised two children on my own. However, I was unhappy in the marriage from day one. There was nothing he could say or do that would make me want to stay. It was a wrong fit. It lasted 10 years  .. .  . 10 years too long. Everytime I wanted to leave he begged me to say. I knew it was wrong to give him false hope but I just didn't know how to have the strength to finally say enough is enough. If I had left 10 years earlier, it would have been better for both of us in the long run.

    Sometimes people just marry the wrong person. In our case, that was exactly what happened. However, It didn't make the separation any easier. It was tough; emotionally and financially. It was tougher on the kids. But we all survived and thrived.

    I was told it takes 5 years to get from separation to a place where your life feels normal again. I believe it. Your husband sounds like he has an end date in mind . . . after Christmas. As much as you'd like to try and change his mind, it doesn't sound like that is what he wants. Divorce is stressful and difficult. Try and make it a bit easier on yourself by accepting his decision and find a lawyer who will make sure you get everything you are entitled too.

    I wish I could tell you that fighting to keep the marriage in tact helps, but it doesn't . . . it just delays the inevitable causing more stress. You've fought a huge battle already. Choose your battles carefully and only fight the ones that are worth fighting for.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GayleB
    GayleB Member Posts: 385
    edited November 2009
    I am so sorry you are going through this, on top of "everything else."  I think that the best thing for you to do, since you have tried counseling and it appears that he is dead set on divorce, is to get to a lawyer for advice ASAP.  You have enough stress in your life as it is, and this isn't helping.  Maybe a separation would be an alternative for now.  At least it will give you time to get your "self" back and give you some time to sort things out and try to figure out where you are going and what you want to do. You are important, here, don't ever forget that.  And, your boys deserve a healthy, emotionally happy mom.  Best advice:  stop trying to put out all the brush fires at one time.  Figure out what is most important to you and work on that one first.  And, keep in touch.  We all care. 
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited November 2009

    Im sorry for all the added stress. This is tough of course. But you have gone through something just as tough...if not more (BC).

    If counseling has failed...and he is "suggesting" a divorce/speration, well, I would be the first one getting those divorce papers happening .........not him.

    Be well.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Onehalf
    Onehalf Member Posts: 171
    edited December 2009

    After reading your post, what comes to my mind is the question.."what do you want?"

    You stated that you have been to counseling, that he says you are not communicating, but you did not say what you feel or want out of this relationship?

    I think you need to think long and hard what it is you want, then go after it.

    If you want this relationship to work, he has already stated you are not communicating, then that would be a clue on the first thing to work on.......

    As couples we get so involved and wound up with our daily duties of overseeing a family. Couples are guilty of forgetting to be a couple.

    My suggestion is do a weekly date night. One night a week, just the two of you take walk, or dinner, or some other activity. Just once a week set aside a couple hours for just you and him....then the communication will find it's natural way.

    Best of luck to you.

    Denise(Onehalf) .....married for 28 years (but in a relationship with each other for 30 years).

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • bex30
    bex30 Member Posts: 6
    edited December 2009
    well x-mas is just a few days away and we are still together.its nice to read all the posts and its good the feel i have some support somewhere. We have found another counsellor that actually gives advice and is not just a person to talk to, My partner has seen this organising a counsellor as a positive sign that i want to save this relationship.I have started to work on communication and he has started to try and let me get close again, anyway we are working on it, but as he puts it nicely, I am on probation and if i dont get my act togther he will leave though he doesnt want to.But to be honest i am not sure if he really wants to stay or just says it to make me feel horrible for making him leave.
     I still dont really know what i want of life, i just want to be happy and not have all this stress.at the moment its quite good, but is it just a flook?i dont really know anymore if its real or just a good moment.we went out for dinner the other night and we had a really good time and talked and even laughed a little. maybe there is hope.
     i actually registered at TAFE to do a course next year and am really exited, so guess thats a move forward for me.I am aware i need to find myself, but how?How do you find a person that is lost and hiding?I want to move on and get over this last year, but i am not sure how. have i moved on already or not,do i just think i havent as every one says its so hard to move on.i hate feeling so lost.
    Well its just a few more days i guess we will see what happens next.
    merry x-mas to all
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Hoolianama0508
    Hoolianama0508 Member Posts: 162
    edited December 2009

    I would like to address your question of, "How do I find myself?" I think you are already closer than you realize to finding yourself. By enrolling in classes, you have begun a new chapter in your life that will help connect you to yourself again. This is due to living life with expectation; expectation of good things and success, which you will receive as you participate more in different activities. I say this because I can relate to that feeling of, "where am I?" There is definitely a difference between me pre-diagnosis and post-breast cancer. I would look at photos and not connect to who I used to be. This was because the diagnosis and treatment plan took over my life and thus temporarily erased my perception of myself. Finally I got to the point where I was just fed up with the whole cancer thing. I enrolled in online classes and began to start focusing on my future.

    I had problems with my husband as well. The stress of everything was insane and we have too small children that were being effected by it. Our relationship did change however I believe it can make us stronger.

    As for communication, that is something we have inherited as individuals from our families. In my case,  I am an interupter and a poor listener. I have been told many times by best friends and my husband that I constantly interrupt what they are saying. I have gotten better at trying to keep quiet and wait my turn to talk. I learned this bad habit from my mother. My sugggestion to you is to look back to your childhood and pinpoint how you learned to communicate or not communicate. It may help you at least understand why you have developed this style of communication.

    I truly hope that everything works out for you and your husband. I think it is great that you are talking to a different counselor. I also hope my words are supportive.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Route53
    Route53 Member Posts: 340
    edited December 2009

    It's always hard to give an opinion not knowing all the circumstances, but from what I can tell, both of you seem to want to keep it together.  And with children in the household the deicision to separate becomes more complex.  Additionally the holiday times tend to be more stressful for everyone with so many outide factors coming into play.

    If I can put my positive spin on this, as a husband and having spoken in spousal breast cancer support groups, you have a good husband who helped you through the toughest times.  There are many relationships where the communication is one sided or lopsided prior to the cancer and then during the diagnosis, surgery and recovery period this might change.  Once all of that is over, the communication changes once again for the better or worse.

    In my case, my wife and I always fancied ourselves as a 50-50 marriage.  Everything was equal.  During "the crisis" the coommunication remained 50-50 but obviously many duties around the house became my own almost 100% with no regrets or anger.  For us what we had to talk ourselves through was getting back to normalcy.  Getting back to our 50-50 across the board and when it was right.  She didn't want to take advantage of me and I didn't want to insensitively assume she was ready to resume the status quo.

    As Hoolianama says, I believe this ordeal can make you stronger as a couple.  It forces lots of issues out in the open and makes you discuss them. 

    Happy Holidays

    Erik (Route53)

    http://route53.wordpress.com

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited December 2009

    Erik will you marry me? LOL

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Onehalf
    Onehalf Member Posts: 171
    edited December 2009

    bex30-

    I am so happy that things are looking a little better for you. I hope it continues this way.

    Communication is such a hard and complex part of life....sometimes it's good sometimes bad, sometimes just ok other times it's real good....and it really dictates any realtionship.

    When there is lost communication, it is hard to get back....but something to keep in mind. It takes two to communicate, don't think for once you are to blame.

    As long as you BOTH want to work on this then you should see and feel forward movement.

    My own vision of relationships is like a circle....it goes around and around....And in this circle are the cycle in our relationship...sometimes everything is real good, then we move into the just OK, then comes the ugly, no matter what we do we are just not getting along, then back around to better, real good....through the years you keep going through the cycle...some get longer, some get shorter.  My message here...all realtionships are work. And lots of work, giving and taking.

    But now I am going to say something and you will want to kill me....with all the talk I am doing about communicating, giving, trying to understand, date night, etc....

    If after a resonable time that you feel you have given your all, and if you are not feeling the same from him....then don't torture yourself. Right now only you can love yourself and that might be the most important step for you.

    Sounds like you are making steps for you....good! keep going!

    I'll be honest...one thing you said that has me worried....your statement on being on probation....what first came to my mind is JERK! If this is really his message in words to you, well I'll hold my tongue(for now :)).

    Be strong. Love yourself, and yes try to keep those communication lines going, but keep in mind you are number 1!

    Denise(Onehalf)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories