Keeps Postponing Chemotherapy

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gracereflection
gracereflection Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My daughter-in-law is very secretive about her breast cancer.  She won't let her husband go to the dr. appointments nor to chemotherapy.  She drives herself there and back to chemo althought he has offered. She only tells people what she wants them to know so everyone is thinking the worst cause she isn't honest about what is going on. She knew the cancer had returned and she waited months before getting any treatment (chemo).  Now she is supposed to have chemo the week of Christmas and she is talking of postponing chemo for at least a week or two.  My understanding is that it is important to stay on schedule for chemotherapy for it to be most effective.  I don't think she is getting any help cause she thinks she is fine and can deal with it.  She seems to be in denial and I would think for the sake of her 4 young girls she would take better care of herself.  Let me add that this is her third type of cancer she has been diagnosed with. Why is she acting this way and is there any way of finding out the truth about her cancer?  Thanks!!

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  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited December 2009

    A week or two delay is not unusual, and can often happen for different reasons, so don't let that concern you.

    It sounds as if your d.i.l. is more comfortable in dealing with her illness on her own-and that too is fine. Provided she is aware that help is there if needed, then I don't see any harm in having treatment on her own. I do the same-although my husband is always with me for consultations, as there is always so much information to assimilate.

    I don't understand why you feel she is being secretive? We don't all want to share every detail of our illness with friends and family, but do our best to carry on living our lives as normally as we can under the most horrendous of circumstances.In time she may choose to share more information, but for the meantime I think you have to respect her desire for privacy. If you push her too hard for information, you run the risk of alienating her. Give her as long as she needs to deal with this latest setback-she sounds an amazingly focused and determined person. Try and be proud of her for attempting to deal with it as best she can-only she can decide what helps she needs and when.

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  • rinna40
    rinna40 Member Posts: 357
    edited December 2009

    Try to understand that this is happening to her and she has a right to decide what information she shares. My Chemo was postponed for six weeks because of medical issues, and that was decided by my oncologist. One or two weeks is not unusual. Perhaps she just wants to feel good at christmas? If that is the case then maybe just try to support her in having a good holiday.

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  • navygirl
    navygirl Member Posts: 886
    edited December 2009

    My initial impression reading your post is that you don't believe the girl has cancer because if she did, she'd be doing a better job of dealing with it. I sincerely hope that impression is wrong...with that being said; 

    Sometimes I wish everyone didn't know about my diagnosis. I didn't want Cancer to be the main topic of conversation, I didn't want to hear everyones opinion of what I should be doing, or how I should be doing it. I didn't want people putting their two cents worth in on every decision there was to make. Yes, I appreciated having people there for me and yes, I understood that they all meant well -but the truth is it was more often about them and what they thought I should be doing than it was about me and how I was feeling or what I wanted and needed. You don't have that much information - and yet you are jumping to conclusions and trying to figure out what's wrong with her because she isn't behaving they way YOU think she should. I don't mean to be harsh..but it sounds like you need to back off and let her deal with this in her own way. This wasn't my first brush with cancer either and I can tell you...it takes it's toll emotionally, the treatments take their toll physically. Wondering where it's going to rear it's ugly head next time can drive you nuts. Sometimes blocking people out is the only way to stay sane. And I don't have to face the possibility of leaving my children to grow up with out me - I can on imagine what it is like for mothers struggling to navigate a cancer diagnosis, while raising their children.

    Give her a break...and respect what SHE wants. After all, it is  about her. However she decides to proceed -  is her choice. I understand her husband may think he should have a say in being there -in treatment -in helping. But all he can do is support her in the way she needs it most. Ultimately your daughter-in-law is the one who has to handle the appointments, the treatments, the side effects...I'm sure it is difficult to be forced to sit on the sidelines...but as a family I hope you can learn to help each other accept and respect what she wants.

    I recently lost a dear friend to Colon Cancer...for the past year we have supported each other and discussed our treatments, feelings, hopes, fears. I thought she was doing better, I thought she was beating her cancer....I was devastated when she died. It wasn't until afterwards that I found out she was stage IV all along and there was never any possibility of her recovering. She kept it from me, and everyone else including her husband. Ultimately her husband did find out, but he kept the secret with her when he did -because that was her way of dealing with it, facing her treatments, living what was left of her life. 

    Don't burden her with doing what it is that will make YOU feel better - use your friends and other family members for support in doing what it is SHE needs in order to deal with this. It's not easy for anyone, but you're not the one who could die if things don't work out well.  

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  • gracereflection
    gracereflection Member Posts: 3
    edited December 2009

    I am sorry if I sounded pushy and judgmental regarding my daughter-in-law's cancer. I should have said that she has a self destructive personality and that the cancer is only the tip of the iceberg and that was my main concern. However again it is her life and her decision and I do respect that although you don't think I do.

    Most of the information I read stated that the chemotherapy schedule should be adhered for it to be effective. That's why I questioned it and the fact that she waited months before getting any help. I respect her decisions and don't try to tell her what to do cause I don't have any information to go on. And thank you Navygirl for sharing about your friends and family and how it was more about them then the cancer and you! That was helpful!!! And it is about them. And I guess sometimes you may have to block other people out. She lives a couple of hours away and we really don't talk much about the cancer unless she wants to or brings it up. So I am not pushing my ideals on her like you expressed.

    I also thought one was to have someone drive them to and from chemo in case they got sick on the way home. Is driving yourself home from chemo alright to do? I am seeking answers cause I don't know not being judgmental. My son is upset and hurt that she doesn't share with him but again it is symptomatic of the communication breakdown in the marriage. And I am not saying this is all her fault, he contributes to the problem as well. He is stressed out cause she is angry when she gets home and seemingly takes it out on him and the girls. When he tries to say something, she denies it.

    In no way am I saying that she doesn't have cancer because she isn't dealing with it the way I would or would want her to. I am asking questions to find out how other people deal with cancer . After reading my post I realize how I came across and shouldn't have asked how to find out information about her cancer as that is her privacy. I took care of my terminally ill mother til she died but the cancer was terminal by the time she got a proper diagnosis. She had bladder cancer and the tumor went outside her bladder into her spine to all over. And the chemo and radiation she had was while she was in the hospital. She was in Hospice when she finally came home so I never really had to deal with those treatments.

    Thank you all for your input!! It is helpful to hear how other people deal with cancer and their viewpoints and really that is all I was trying to do was see how others handled it!!

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited December 2009

    It is obvious that you care a great deal about your DIL, and the impact it's having on your son.  Everyone deals with cancer differently -- some reach out and rely on family, others prefer to make it a more private battle, even if their loved ones feel left out.  What is right for one person is wrong for another.  As an aside -- it's perfectly safe for your DIL to drive herself to and from her treatments. 

    I suspect your DIL is wanting to protect her family from what she's going through.  When she comes home angry and takes it out on her husband, I bet it's the cancer that she's angry at, her husband just happens to be the one to get the brunt of it.  She is scared, scared for herself, scared for her family and a good self-defence is just to withdraw.  It certainly is hard on your son and family, but all you can do is let her know that you will be there when she needs you. 

    I think I can relate a bit to your DIL -- I've not told many in my family, I don't want to be fussed over, I feel guilty for being sick and what it has and will do to my loved ones.  I am extremely stressed about how this affects my family.  It can be overwhelming!  I have a whole thread going on the fact that I am going to tell my Mom about my BC and being Stage IV tomorrow! 

    Sometimes you get emotionally tired because you take on the responsibilty of your own emotions as well as trying to support those around you.  It can be a burden having to take care of those around you that are pushing to know what's going on,wanting to be reassured, even wanting to help.  As much as it may hurt you and your son, you need to back off and let her come to you on her own terms, when she wants to.

    She needs to feel some control and not have to worry about everyone else.  Once the pressure is off she might be more at ease, less stressed, and more communicative.  Until she decides to inform you about things going on, I'm sorry about being rude, but you really need to butt out for her and her family's sake.  It's not about you, it's about her.  I wish you and your family all the best,

    Elizabeth

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  • gracereflection
    gracereflection Member Posts: 3
    edited December 2009

    Thank you Elizabeth!! You are in my prayers!! With the information everyone has given me I can reassure my son and tell him what his wife is doing is not so uncommon and that we have to let her come to us and tell us what is going on. Meanwhile we just support her in her decisions and I will refer him to this blog if he needs more information. Thanks again!!

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited December 2009

    You're welcome -- I'm sorry if I came on strong, but I'm a bit sensitive with family stuff now. But I bet she'll come around once the pressure is off her.  I know it must be hard for you wanting to help, seeing your son upset but what can you do? Be patient, I guess that's all.  I wish you all the best,

    Elizabeth

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