Starting Chemo Aug 09

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  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 4,898
    edited December 2009

    Man where are my white fuzzies?!  None here so far.  Sigh.

    And on Wednesday I have my Right MX with immediate reconstruction.  I try not to think about it.  I actually can't.  I worry about what it will be like to wake up without my breast and I just can't imagine it in spite of seeing pictures at all stages.  I just know that I will hurt and hope I won't hurt too bad (or for too long).  I am sad too but also a little numb about it all.  I still feel like it can't be true, even after two lumpectomies, SNB, 3 1/2 months of chemo and loss of hair... all the pain and fatigue and tears... it is just unbelievable to me that I really have breast cancer.  I don't know if it will ever be believable.  I focus on the day to day, I concentrate on getting to the next milestone (finishing chemo was the big one.... now I want hair and I want, more than that, to get to the end of the reconstruction).  I worry I will hate the foob.   I worry that I will always feel like a freak.  I am sure you all can relate to this... how do you cope?

    Lilah

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Lilah - I was lucky in that between the time of dx and surgery was literally one week (apparently my tumor was growing fast).  I didn't have as much time to think about it as you have, which I think makes it harder.  As a boobless person who hasn't gotten to recon yet, there are days I'm fine with it and there are days when I just want to feel normal.  But.................. I think the normal part comes not only with wanting to have boobs again, but hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and pretty nails.   As crazy as this sounds I miss the "upkeep".  I miss getting manicures, pedicures and I miss getting my eyebrows done.  The losses we go through as a whole is what's gets to us emotionally, each piece being removed piece by piece.  We lose our hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and boobs as a result of breast cancer, then somehow still have to manage to feel like a woman.  I just want to say after all of this we deserve the best boobs in town!!!

    And.......... the foobs aren't as bad as I thought - I sometimes forget I'm wearing them.

  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 4,898
    edited December 2009

    Aw thanks Jenn.  It's good to share the hardness of it all.  I will be wearing a foob (it's called a fluffy and I can remove bits of fluff as they expand my right breast) while going through TE phase of reconstruction.... well at least when I got out in a bra :)  So that should help with the freaky unevenness of having one DD boob and one floppy / expanding pancake on the right.  Sigh.  I am beyond being scared at this point lol.  Just hoping and praying for an easy surgery and recovery.  Keep me in your prayers, everyone, come Wednesday (Dec 9).

    xo

    Lilah

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Lilah - I know at this point that no matter what I say you will still have fears, the fear of the unknown.  I was terrified for my surgery and will be when it's time for reconstruction.  But......... have to say, the pain was not as bad as I thought it was going to be with my BMX. Although the surgeon told me it wasn't going to be as bad as I thought I didn't believe him -he's was man, what did he know.  I was up walking down the hall and took a shower within the first 24 hours.  For me, I hated the drains and dealing with them.

    You're in my prayers and thoughts and as soon as you can, please let us know how you're doing.

  • msmpatty
    msmpatty Member Posts: 818
    edited December 2009

    Lilah,  I don't blame you for being scared.  You've been through so much and now surgery...again!   I went the lumpectomy route and so far so good...but I can imagine I will feel just like you if MX is in my future.   However, once the surgery is done it is all upside from there...healing, foob growing, fluffies out...

    I will definitely have you in my thoughts on Wednesday....and pray for your speedy recovery.

    Patty

  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 4,898
    edited December 2009

    Aw thanks Jenn and Patty -- you guys have been so great (everyone has)!  I wish I could have just had a lumpectomy, Patty, but it was not recommended in my case because my cancer is multifocal (more than one spot) and after two lumpectomies I still had one margin (behind my nipple) that was too close.  From all I've read -- not to mention the strong recommendation of my BS -- the MX is highly advisable in my case. 

    Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

    Lilah

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Good morning - it's another rainy morning with street flooding so I won't be able to get out for a walk-again.  I'm still achy and have neuropathy issues from the Taxol, but I'm telling myself - two more to go.......... two more to go.............. 

    My heating system has been limping along for the last few years and finally gave out this year.  Of course as it always happens, it went out last week when had a cold front with freezing temps move through.  Ugh......... we used electric heaters and the stove and made it through.Today we were suppose to get the new heating system installed.  However, because of the rain they can't do all of the work.  They may start this afternoon if the rain slows down, but I may have to wait another day or two.  Thank goodness the cold front has moved on and the temps are back up to the 50-60's. 

    Lilah - still thinking of you..............

  • Karen09
    Karen09 Member Posts: 320
    edited December 2009

    Hi ladies!  I hope you are all doing well.  I've been feeling pretty good except for the usual tiredness.  I've been having an ear ache the last few days too and that's a bit annoying but probably not related to the chemo. 

    We have some snow on the ground here now and are expecting a storm later this afternoon.  Yuck!  I have to do some errands and have some bloodwork early this afternoon so I'm hoping to make it home before the storm hits.

    Thinking of you Lilah!

  • weety
    weety Member Posts: 1,163
    edited December 2009

    Friday is my last chemo. . . whoo hoo!  I will still have Herceptin for a year, but the big stuff will be DONE.  Let's hope FOREVER! 

    Jenn, Yes, that is me with my family.  I finally got a picture posted!  My kids are 8, 5 and 11 months.

  • Karen09
    Karen09 Member Posts: 320
    edited December 2009

    Good for you Weety!!    I'm having my second-to-last chemo tomorrow.  Your picture is lovely! 

  • msmpatty
    msmpatty Member Posts: 818
    edited December 2009

    Lilah...I'm thinking about you on this day after your surgery.  I hope everything went well and that you are relaxing comfortably!

    Weety...congrats on your last TX!   WAHOO!

    Karen...only two more to go...YEAH!

    I have Taxol #5 tomorrow.   Not quite half through with my 12 weeklies, but so far no problems on the Taxol.  No comparison to the AC!!!  Well...except for fatigue which seems to be the "new normal" on chemo!

    Patty

  • Marrhea
    Marrhea Member Posts: 21
    edited December 2009

    Hi Everyone! Haven't posted for a long, long time, but I read all your posts every day. I finished my last chemo on October 22, and am just finishing up my recon. Had my last "injection" 2 weeks ago, and will be scheduling my recon surgery (have to wait about 8 weeks after last injection). It's been quite a process, but I try to make the best of it. In fact, I share all my info with all my friends, whether they like it or not!!! Right now my recon boob is filled to capacity, so that my "cleavage" is almost up to my neck. Such a pretty sight!!! I share that with all, too! This is a tough situation we're all going through, so  having a sense of humor is so important. I know some of you are sad about the loss of a breast, loss of hair, etc., but you know, one of my friends told me something I carry with me - we are women, and we should not be judged by our boobs or our hair!! We are a whole lot more.

    I'm not sure if it was on this forum that someone wanted to know what kind of wigs to get. I once mentioned that having wigs was almost the best part. I got a whole bunch, and every day, I'm someone else! For new and future wig wearers, The American Breast Cancer Society offers one free wig, so get in touch with them.You can obtain a catalog from /www.tlcdirect.org, where you will get great wigs and great prices.

    Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

    Lilah, stay strong and remember who you are!!! P.S. The foob was sort of fun, especially when you have to remove most of the "stuff" as you start to "grow" again!!!!

    Marrhea

  • YoYo44
    YoYo44 Member Posts: 203
    edited December 2009

    Hello ladies,

    Lilah, I just caught up again.  I hope your surgery went well. I only had 6 days notice when I was told about the surgery date so that helped me minimise my worrying.  All the waiting is so hard.  I had a bit of a rocky start with the hematoma and transfusion but it went pretty well after that.  It is all mmanageable although it does seem so barbaric some times.  I keep telling myself I am lucky my cancer can be cut out.  It doesn't make it right but it helps some times.  And Marrhea, well said.  We have to remember we are more than boobs and hair.  I am mostly doing well now 3 weeks out but have a lot of nerve irritation and soreness on the lymph node side.  Also, the expanders are very tight and uncomfortable so sleeping is not comfortable.  Hopefully one is less irritating than 2.  Take care and rest and take it easy.  Every day will get better.  Hugs!

    BTW, I just got the drains out this Tuesday.  YAY!!!!!  So much better.

    Congrats to you all coming to the end of chemo.  That must be great.

    Weety, a beautiful picture!  Congrats for getting to the end of chemo!

    Jenn, hope your heating situation improves.  We have furnace problems every other year too and it is always either just as it gets cold or when we need the air conditioner working.  Winter has arrived here with a vengeance.  We got about 1 1/2 feet of snow so my son is in heaven!  it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

    Take care everyone!

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Good afternoon - Well we have a brand new heating system - whoo hoo!!! It's great to be back in the 21st century.   It was installed yesterday and another front moved through last night.  I went to work today for a several hours.  I worked on the Christmas cards and did very little work, but it felt good/normal to be there.  

    Weety - you have a beautiful family.

    Karen - Congrats on being almost done.  I'm almost there too - two more to go, one tomorrow, then next week is my last chemo.

    Patty - Taxol does come with it's own SE's, but is much easier than AC............ AC was horrible.

    Marrhea - So glad to hear from you and that you're doing well. Keep sharing ALL of you info, that's what friends are for : ) .  I agree a sense of humor is what gets us through this mess.  My closest friend keeps me laughing and doesn't give me a break...... She popped over two nights ago to see my new foobs, insisted I pull them out of my bra right then and there, which I did.  She promply popped one on top of her head and said for Mardi Gras we could be "Boob Heads" instead of Cone Heads.........   Then she wanted to know if the nipples they put on the foobs work like the real thing when it gets cold. 

    YoYo - Whew!!! bet you're glad to get those drains out.   I haven't gotten to recon, but heard the expanders can be tight - I don't look forward to that part.  Wow 1 1/2 feet of snow - not sure if we could handle that down here, a few inches shuts us down.  We're not used to snowy weather.  Honestly, I start complaining when it drops below 60 - I am such a warm weather person.

    Hope everyone has a good evening - talk to y'all later.

  • Kayel
    Kayel Member Posts: 28
    edited December 2009

    Hi Everyone~

    Lilah~ I am thinking of you.  I hope your surgery went well.

    YoYo~ Congrats on getting the drains out.  that was by far the worst part as far as I was concerned.  I would love to have that kind of snowstorm.   I am in Maryland and we get very little snow.  We had a couple of inches last weekend and my daughters were in heaven!

    Jenn - Every time the heater goes it is the coldest day of the year!  I am glad you got your new unit.  I am so happy for you that you are almost done chemo.  We will be doing rads around the same time.  You will lead the way.

    Weety - congrats on being finished!!  Great picture!  I have twin 8 year old girls that are in 2nd grade.

    Patty ~ Hang in there the end is in sight.  Taxol is alot better than AC

     Well, I have been extremely fatigued these last few weeks but this week has been especially tough.  I went today for #9 taxol and my white blood count was too low so I had to go home.  I was so bummed.  I was looking forward to starting 2010 chemo free.  So now I will hopefully finish up the 1st week in Jan.  I visit the Rad onc on the 21st and hope to start rads mid to late Jan.

    I hope everyone has a good week!

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    It's midnight and I can't sleep so I'm cruising the boards. The pain is terrible right now and the pain medication doesn't seem to be helping tonight.  It says I can take 2 at one time, but I'm afraid to take that much at one time.  I know it's crazy, but I've had this dream more than once of not being able to wake up and it scares me.  So........I'm trying to wait a little longer before taking a 2nd pain pill.  The good news I'm almost done!

    Kayel - glad to hear from you.  Sorry to hear about your WBC.  I barely made it in two weeks ago - thought I'd have to go home.  Are they giving you the neulasta shot or just waiting it out?  Think of 2010 getting a late start since the last chemo will be early 2010. 

    I think I'll go on the sofa and put in a Christmas movie and hopefully get some sleep........

  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 4,898
    edited December 2009

    I am home and doing well!  Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers... I made it through with ease.  One minute I was lying on the table asking the anesthesiologist if I should count backwards and he was saying, "nah, think about being on a lovely island with palm trees..." next minute I was waking up in recovery and feeling an overwhelming sense of relief that it was over!  Yay!  Had to wait a long time to get a room on Wednesday (surgery was at 10 AM but didn't get into the room until 9:30 PM!)  Memorial Sloan Kettering in NY is a hopping place!  My room was nice though and they even had "room service" so now I'm calling it Hotel Hospital.  Got out yesterday, came home and slept... been sifting through mail and stuff today and finally had a chance to get back to these boards.  I am sore but so far, so good... this surgery has been much easier than the last (in June -- second lumpectomy plus SNB/axillary lymph node removal)... I am so happy to have this finally behind me!

    And YoYo!  Yay for getting those drains out at last!  I hate them.  Mine are already putting out very little but have to wait til Thursday appointment to get them removed.  Sigh.  At least, having been through the drain thing once before (in June) I am finding it is not so scary because it's old (been there, done that). 

    Aw Jenn so sorry you could not sleep last night... hope you got there eventually.  How awful to dream you can't wake up. 

    Hang in there Kayel and Weety -- you will be done soon!  You too Jenn.  Before you know it.

    I feel somewhat ravaged but so glad to have the worst behind me.

    Cheers,

    Lilah

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Good morning - Had my 2nd to last chemo yesterday, with my last one being next week 12/18.  Whoo Hoo.............. I am looking forward to the end and hopefully getting relief from the neuropathy pain which seems to be getting much worse in the last three weeks, my toes and the bottoms of my feet are very painful, along with leg pain and weakness and at times my hands hurt too.  Almost finished.............almost finished.................one more to go............ repeating.

    Lilah - I am so glad to hear the surgery experience went well.  Having a good experience I think really helps the healing process as well.  How is today?

    Today I'm was thinking about getting out shopping, but nixed the idea because I figured the Saturday crowds would be bad and I need to rest up because I'm babysitting tonight for my cousin's children.  Instead I will internet shop and maybe wipe out the need to do some running next week.

    Hope everyone has a good day and stays warm with all of these cold front and snow storms moving across the country.

  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 4,898
    edited December 2009

    Hey Jenn!  Feeling even better today.  Stopped the Vicodin yesterday (it was making me woozy-headed and constipated -- who needs that?) and find I am just fine on Tylenol alone.  No pain except when I cough or sneeze and when I get in and out of bed but this morning MUCH less pain even at those times, so onward and upward!  Counting down the days til I can get the drains out and drive :) 

    Woo hoo on having only one more taxol Jenn!  Yeah my SEs got worse toward the end... but then about 3 weeks after I was done it really abated.  Now it's a little over 4 weeks and I pretty much have no more neuropathy (which is a great relief).  So all I want for Christmas is: some sign of hair growth!

    xo

    Lilah

  • msmpatty
    msmpatty Member Posts: 818
    edited December 2009

    Lilah, I'm so glad you are doing well.   I actually think the SN surgery is worse than the breast surgery and, of course, the drains are the pits!   Your spirits seem good so I'm sure you'll make it through this just fine.

    YoYo - Congrats on the drain removal.  I hated those things.  When a friend of mine had her BMX her husband called them the "bloody grenades".

    Jenn - just one more to go!   I have seven more, but the weeks seem to be going by quickly.  I've been really lucky so far, no nueropathy, no major pains.   For the first time this week my red blood cells dipped just a tiny bit below normal...so I'm stocking up on red meat and iron.  By the way, how's the head hair doing?  My head is starting to feel decided fuzzy but the chemo nurse said it will fall out again.  NOOOOOO!!!

    Kayel, glad to hear you are almost done as well.  Sorry they had to delay the treatment.    I seem to get more tired as Taxol goes along, but nothing like on the AC.

    Hope everyone is staying warm and getting in the Christmas spirit.  

    Patty

  • Karen09
    Karen09 Member Posts: 320
    edited December 2009

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain Jenn!!!   Gentle hug for you!  Just one more treatment left!! 

    I have some hair now too and I want to celebrate but a couple nurses told me as well that it will fall out.  It has been quite awhile now though and I have my fingers crossed.  It would be nice to have a full head of hair (or close to it!) when I go for radiation in Feb. 

  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 4,898
    edited December 2009

    OMG Patty I love "the bloody grenades" -- that is such an accurate description!  I call them blood bags (not as good).  I hate them.  I find I'm incredibly itchy at the spot (I think) where they enter my body (hard to be 100% certain as I am wearing a surgical bra over gauze that is OVER the entry point... but let's just say when I trace the line up to my body it ends somewhere in there).  Other than the itchiness, I'm already pretty pain free (some discomfort that is easily resolved with tylenol).  Even the lying down and sitting up that was awful my first day and night home seems to have passed (now it's just a slight discomfort).  I am not allowed to shower until after I see the doctor on THURSDAY!  Ugh.  Expecting the drains to come out then, though, as already the output is small and light in color.  My PS wrote across my bandage "DO NOT REMOVE"-- she didn't even want nurses in the hospital to touch it!  I find that oddly reassuring... and also am glad I don't have to touch it either lol.

    Hair would be SO nice now.  Still no sign of new growth and it's now about 5 weeks since my last Taxol.  Sigh.

    Lilah

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Good morning - Taxol aches are here, but I'm almost done.  I'll be home today anyway watching the Saints make it to 13-0............  I still have fuzzies growing on my head.  It's still pretty dark, but my DD noticed some white hair mixing in. Still not long enough to go without a head covering, but when I do take off the scarf or wig I actually have enough hair to be a little messy :)  It was a good idea I didn't go out yesterday.  We had some of the worst rainstorms I've seen in a while come through and by early evening streets were impassable all over town. 

    Lilah - I am so glad to hear you're pain free (for the most part).  Once the drains come out you'll be doing even better.  The hair will come before you know it.

    Patty - I'm glad to hear you're doing well too.  Once I started growing hair back it didn't fall out, albeit slow, it's still growing.  What I'm really waiting for are eyebrows and lashes.

    Karen - The hair will come............ the hair will come.................. keep repeating it and by Feb you may be able to show off your new style.

    Hope everyone has a great Sunday!!!

  • gillyone
    gillyone Member Posts: 1,727
    edited December 2009

    Hi ladies

    I am almost 8 weeks PFC and DH claims there is (finally) some new very fine growth on my head. So hang in there, it will start to grow. Though my hair is so fair I still look bald - a long way from facing the world without a scarf. I wish my nose hairs would return - still have a drippy nose.

    Jen - I hate to be a downer when you have had so many SEs, but I still have some neuropathy. My fingers are much better but I know I am going to lose some nails soon) but still have numbness in my toes plus that feeling of having an extra sock inside my shoe with one foot. But the tenderness and peeling is gone.

    For all you ladies still doing chemo - you will feel better soon. At this stage (still doing radiation) I feel so much better than during the chemo days - I can even taste food again!!

  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Good morning - I'm reading my post yesterday and realized I said when I take off my scarf or wig I have messy hair, which is somewhat true, but I don't wear a wig, just scarves and bandana's. Not sure why I typed it and am laughing at myself because I'm guessing the pain medicine had my head spinning.  Not that it matters, but thought I'd share.........  This week the pain is the worst it's ever been and I'm wondering how I am going to get everything done before Christmas.  I'm so close, but not quite finished.  I guess I'll just have to take the attitude what gets done, gets done and the rest we'll have to live with. 

    Gill - Thanks for the info - you're not being a downer.  It's one of those things that you know in the back of your mind, but don't say out loud.  Each week the pain is much more intensified and the numbness worse.   And....... rather than the pain subsiding by Wed/Thurs it continues through the entire week. I just don't see it going away right after the last treatment - it'll need to run it's course.  I'm hoping for no permanant damage.  Glad to hear you're feeling better with rads - I start mid-January.   How's the foot healing?

    Hope everyone has a good day!

  • msmpatty
    msmpatty Member Posts: 818
    edited December 2009

    Jenn...hang in there!   Just one more to go!   Even if the nueropathy hangs around a while, at least it won't get worse once your last TX is over....right?   I'll be half way through my 12 Taxols this Friday.  Over the weekend I noticed some numbness in my left pinky.  It comes and goes.  Hope this isn't a harbinger of things to come, but so far no pain.

    Gill...congrats on the taste buds returning.   Mine are in a wierd stage right now where everything tastes like it has been soaked in salt.   I've always used way too much salt, so maybe my body is paying me back.  HA!

    Patty

  • Lilah
    Lilah Member Posts: 4,898
    edited December 2009

    I'm about 4 weeks PFC (or could be five today actually) and still no hair (sigh)... only neuropathy left is some numbness in a few toes (which I hope will go away).  Taste buds are back!  Gotta watch the scale now :)  Lost 10 pounds on the chemo but think that was due to food just not tasting good (so I ate less).  Getting drains out tomorrow!  Woot!  (Had surgery Weds).  Not too sore either.  Feeling lucky (if it's possible for a BC patient to feel lucky :)

    Jenn -- you are in the home stretch!  Everyone else -- so are you!  Even if you are at the start... it flies by and you just have to keep your eyes on the end date.  Make yourself as comfortable as possible during the SEs and know that this too shall pass.

    Cheers,

    Lilah (booster girl :)

  • gillyone
    gillyone Member Posts: 1,727
    edited December 2009

    Jenn - my broken bones in foot are healed!!

    Patty - the tasting thing is weird. My sense of taste came back gradually. It's like, you try something and are shocked that it has taste!!

    Lilah - I know what you mean about weight. I lost about 15 pounds while on chemo and am determined not to put it back on. Your hair will return - I am 8 weeks PFC tomorrow and am only just beginning to see signs of hair.

    Everyone else - hang in there. Wishing for minimal SEs for you all.

  • buccaneersdj
    buccaneersdj Member Posts: 241
    edited December 2009

    Hi guys!! I'm sorry I haven't updated for awhile, still reading all your post via Blackberry. I just finished rad #15 today only about 20 more to go. I am very short of breath and have a pink boob but other than that all is well so far. Never got the PET scan because of my insurance company playing DR. again, but I am getting a diagnostic CT of chest and abdomen on Friday, and will see Dr. on Christmas eve for results unless they find nothing in which they will call and cancel my appt. , wow....that will be a phone call I will be waiting for; talk about anxiety! I would love to wait till after the holiday but my Onc. goes on vacation the week after. Whaaa!!! {{HUGS}} Donna

  • msmpatty
    msmpatty Member Posts: 818
    edited December 2009

    Donna - my bet is they'll be canceling your appointment!

    Lilah - although I'm not done for seven more weeks I totally agree that time has really gone by fast and with all the holiday festivities the next few weeks should really go fast.  Yeah!  

    Gil - one thing I've noticed is that I just can't stomach some of the things that kept me going during the AC portion of treatment.   Bananas for one.   Used to love them, now they just remind me of the bad-old-days of AC. 

    We are all in the home stretch ladies!

    Patty

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