Did anyone else suffer from body image issues after BC?

hello Sara!  I am right on page with how you are feeling in so many ways!  I am a little older than you (32) so I don't necessarily feel robbed of my youth but the beauty, yeah I feel that!  Not only did I gain chemo weight that I still need to lose but I also delievered a 6th child two weeks after my diagnosis so I have a ton of baby weight to lose as well!  After the baby was born I thought my belly looked pretty good...then 2 weeks later I had a bilateral mastectomy and once again my belly seemed to be larger than life!  I also feel robbed because I feel most beautiful during pregnancy, thus the reason I've carried 6 children and planned to do more.  However cancer being ER+ took that dream away from me : (

My hair is just now starting to show signs of coming in.  I've never had short hair in my life and don't think it's going to look good on me at all!

My suggestion to you, since you are at home without a job or school is to kick ass at getting back into shape!  Make going to the gym your "job".

All my best!

I've finally decided that I'm ready to get into a gym and take control of my weight issue.  It really helps to be able to move forward and give it my best shot to change something that I don't like.  Hopefully by the time I get my body into shape my hair will have grown in some and I can look forward to my reconstruction : )

Geez Louise, Sara, give yourself a break!  You have been battling cancer - not a bad cold!  And, by the way, you look like a cutie to me w/ short hair.  Don't beat yoursef up for "being home all the time" you just recently finished chemo and radiation for CANCER.  Your first priority needs to be recovering your strength.  I am so heart-broken for you that you have to go through this at 26.  I am so sorry.  People are incredibly shallow, it's true.  So don't bother hoping to please them, they are not worth pleasing.  Recover your strength.  You have plenty of time to grow your long hair back, plenty of time to let your body go back to its natural weight.  You will still be young in 6 months when you have dropped your chemo weight and have grown longer hair.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You are beautiful and beauty is all around you.  I do understand what you mean.  I've always had long hair, it's always been blonde, who knows how it'll come back in.  My identity since childhood has been tied in w/ my hair.  I'm trying my very, very best to look at this as a spiritual retreat.  I'm giving up my outer identity - maybe there's more to me than I have ever guessed.  Maybe setting aside vanity for awhile will be good for my soul. ...  Maybe not.  But that is what I need to believe as I prepare for chemo next week.  You've gone through the darkest part of the tunnel.  It's only going to get better as you go forward.  You are a strong young woman.

When I had endocervical cancer and was freaked out about never being normal again, a wise survivor told me that what you have after cancer is a new normal.  I guess that's about it.  I'm 45 now, and I have to say that one thing I definitely do not miss about being young is the nightclub experience - and I was a size 5 w/ long naturally platnium hair and a year-round suntan (yup, I got skin cancer too), which would have the ticket anywhere else in the world, but I grew up in Orange County - you want to talk about being surrounded by shallow people - OMG!  The nightclub scene is really very sad and you aren't missing much there.  I have to say also that I'm 45 and my friends are 35 to 55 and unless they actually went through cancer they really don't understand the emotions involved.  They tell you to stay positive - I think because it makes it easier on them.  And I think that's why this forum is here;  we do all understand and you can vent and know you won't be tossed a platitude.  There are other people out there - even in their twenties - who do not discriminate against people on the basis of their looks.  I know they are hard to come by.  I gained weight after having children and I don't get nearly the good treatment from men and service I used to get when I was thinner.  I'm hoping to achieve a yoga body through chemo, but I'm told weight gain is also possible.  I could definitely stand to lose 20 lbs. too.  30 would put me in a size 6 again - how wonderful that would be, but I'll just take being alive even if I gain weight.  You know, it's just so hard.  It's just is plain hard.  But you and I and we all are going to get through this.  Your hair will grow back before you know it.  Vanity is just on hold awhile.  It just sucks that you have to be doing this so young.  {{{{{{{{Hugs, Sara}}}}}}}}}

Bellz, I feel exactly as you do. I've lost everything that made me a woman, I can't lose the chemo weight and now the Arimidex is making it worse and my hair is not growing back. I try to be invisible and stay alone at home as much as I can.

Oh wow, Sara, that really sucks!  -(  

However, one doesn't have to be young to have body image issues. It would be fair to say I had them BEFORE I had cancer (AND while I was VERY young, like, my teens!) -- but they weren't near as bad as they got AFTER I came down with the cancer. My weight was in the OK range, but IMO my build left a lot to be desired -- fine slender arms and legs (until I hit 40 or so, they were just about pretty enough to belong to a movie star even), but I had this thick waisted Midsection from Hell. So even when young, I was never able to wear a bikini, and even 1-piece bathing suits looked bad on me -- in my early 20s I threw out the couple bathing suits I had and never replaced 'em!  I liked my face, at least the way it was framed by my long hair (which had finally gotten almost all the way to my waist at the time of my BC diagnosis) and these huge intense dark brown eyes -- my breasts, ehh, I liked the way they looked "sort of" -- they were a nice matched set, but I have preferred 34D to the 34C's they were! LOL! Their value to me was much more in the sexual arousal and sensations department than in the looks department -- I never turned male heads like stacked women do with my "too small to be visually noteworthy" 34Cs, but oh boy did they WORK! Sooo...I never really did have the greatest body image, but up until I hit my late 30s/got into my 40s, I thought I was "pretty enough," as long as I dressed to hide the Midsection from Hell.  

Also before breast cancer, "normal aging" was putting a damper on my body image (I'm 48 now). No, my face wasn't pretty anymore with those bags under my once beautiful eyes. No, I wouldn't wear shorts or short skirts in public anymore even though my legs are STILL shaped right -- not with those old lady "road maps" plain to see! But OK, body image was still not TOTALLY down the tubes yet even at this point: on my more and more infrequent "happy" days I thought I looked "not bad for a woman my age."

Then comes the breast cancer. I was diagnosed Stage IV from the get-go (Feb 2009, age 47). I didn't want to live even -- I was ready to crawl inside my apt and let myself die, but I let my boyfriend and the doctor talk me into trying treatment, which was 6 rounds of chemo (TAC: April 9-July 23, 2009). My weight stayed stable (I fluctuated up and down 2-3 pounds when weighed at each doctor visit), but of course I lost my hair.

I didn't get a mastectomy because my oncologist says that for Stage IV patients, mastectomies only help if the tumor breaks out of the skin of the breast and there are ulcerations/oozing sores, which I didn't have. But although I haven't had oozing sores, this isn't to say my right breast didn't become horribly misshapen. It's misshapen to the point where even though my left breast is normal, the mismatch is probably just as bad as it would've been with one normal breast and a mastectomy scar on the other side. In fact, if I wasn't so scared to death of mastectomy postop (drains, disability while recovering), I'd be screaming at the doctor: "OK, Take this frickin horrible THING off my body already -- and get that goddamn port out while you're at it!"

So between losing my hair and my mangled breast/hideous chest (plus the aging stuff): 

THAT DID IT. I HAVE NO MORE BODY IMAGE LEFT. I BECAME A HORRID UGLY CREATURE.  I DON'T THINK I LOOK LIKE A HUMAN ANYMORE, EVEN. I CAN'T STAND THE MERE SIGHT OF MYSELF!

Well, OK -- IF I wear my wig (I was able to get one which was almost as long as my real hair had been, and the same color), I can pass for human. And I was already wearing loose fitting (or in the winter, heavy) clothing to hide my Midsection from Hell anyway -- so now it hides my misshapen chest too. But....

I got hot flashes on the chemo, and I still get them from the Tamoxifen the doctor put me on the week after I finished my chemo -- so wearing the wig is uncomfortable. I only wear it when I have to go out (I will NOT even open the apt door to be seen like this for a nanosecond!) -- whether ir's just to go downstairs to get the mail/do the laundry, or OUT-out (leaving the apt building to take out trash, move the car, run errands).  Hats and scarves are not an option. I "need" the long hair to feel human even.

Fortunately I'm an introvert anyway and more than a little bit of a recluse (and also good my boyfriend is obviously blind because he has repeatedly told me I'm irrational about the "hair thing" and I make too big a deal over it) -- so I don't MIND doing what Helen does, i.e., hiding in the apartment and only going out when absolutely necessary (though I hate it that it's now a major pain in the butt to "make myself look human" before going out; all I used to have to do was be in clean clothes, brush my hair and brush my teeth, could be ready to go out in less than 5 mins) -- I would pretty much be doing that even if I did still have my looks. But being ugly like this, even when nobody else has to see it, really upsets me.

 ~Lena. 

We have all suffered because of this stupid beast. We all have a new "normal" now. I'm so deeply saddened by how young everyone is - Wow - 26 Sara? And Sara - you are NOT a loser. This time is just VERY difficult. I was 40 when diagnosed so the aging process already started. But I really feel for you.

I can fully relate to the hair issue - my hair was dark, thick, wavy and down to my butt. I started chemo in Sept 2005 and finished in March 2006. Having no hair was really a tough adjustment. In Jan 2007, once it started getting a little length, I got magenta highlights. The double takes I got from people were hysterical!!! Since I couldn't have the long hair I decided to have some fun with what I had. The highlights didn't last long and the hair growth was slow. But fast forward to today: it is down to my shoulders and I'm getting purple highlights tonight!! (I do work in a commercial financial institution so I can't go too crazy.)

No one will ever be completely satisfied with their physical appearance. But we have to do the best we can for ourselves - not for others.

Streetangel, my sister had preventative bilateral mastectomies (after my mom, another sister, and myself were all diagnosed).  She had tattoos of vines and flowers on her chest.  At the time I thought that was odd and didn't want that for myself, but now I think, good for her!  If it makes you feel good, makes you smile when you look there, then you should do it. 

Sara, I'm so sorry for you going through this at such a young age.  You are not alone, as you can tell by reading these posts, and I know it is true from my own experience (I'm 53), I didn't really know myself until I got into my mid 30s.  Until then you are 'finding your way', trying to learn who you are and what you want in life.  I didn't actually 'get my voice' until I hit my mid 40s.  Sadly when I felt I was getting my stride I got BC.  This 2 years after getting a divorce after a 24-year marriage. So, now I'm trying to find my footing again.  It has been a rocky road.  I think this forum, where you can hear other people tell their experiences, is wonderful. Since I discovered this I can't help but look through these posts every day, smile some, cry some, feel like I have found a family, people who understand, have been there, know how it all truly feels.  We are all here for you, and understand.  Take good care.