How do you deal with the fear?

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rhy
rhy Member Posts: 16
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
How do you deal with the fear?
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  • rhy
    rhy Member Posts: 16
    edited November 2009

    How do you get over the fear of recurrence?  My wife (stage 3 with 17 of 18 lymph nodes psoitive) finished chemo in Sep and has 2 weeks of radiation left.  She is really scared and every pain or bump reminds her that the cancer can return at any time.  I am really scared too, becasue I don't know how I can go on if something happens.  I don;t talk about my fears with her, beacause the one time I did, it made her more sad and she started crying.  So, I try to be her rock when we are together.  But, when I am alone, my mind wanders to bad places and I think about having to do things without her.  Does this fear ever go away or at least move to the back of our mind so it is not a constant thought?  This is all new territory for me, and I know it is not something I can fix.  I am probably not expressing myself well, but I would just like to know of others expereinces with this.  Thanks in advance  for all of your replies.

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  • lmays
    lmays Member Posts: 114
    edited November 2009

    I have yet to meet anyone who has "beat" the fear.  At some level I will always be stalked by this. 

    On the other hand, my "new normal" life is pretty big.  It makes little space for me to be constantly terrified.

    My husband, like you, suffered his own pain mostly in silence, but seems now to have found his smile again.

    Think all any of us can do is rise and shine in the morning, plant our feet, and take on the day. 

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  • flash
    flash Member Posts: 1,685
    edited December 2009

    Talking to others who have BC or their spouses helped my husband and myself. For me, it also helped to learn about "what else" those aches and pains could be.  It truly made me understand that I needed to not jump to conclusions.  It takes a conscious focus on the good things and gradually gets better as you get further out from treatment but I agree with Imays, it never goes away  My mom says the same thing, she's on her 3rd cancer dx.

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  • Ozzi
    Ozzi Member Posts: 80
    edited December 2009

    I agree with Imays - I don't think you ever totally "beat" the fear, but is does get better.  As time goes by and you have some well checkups under your belt it gets better.  My cousin told once when the fear was overwhelming me - "remember you are alive now".  This is a journey and you and your wife are in the thick of it.  It is very, very common for the fear to increase as you end treatment.  You feel kind of "safe" when you are in treatment and then you have to transition back to "normal" life.  Don't hesitate to get help for the anxiety and fear, and remember that you and your wife are not alone. 

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited December 2009

    go read the STage III forum and post your fears there. There are so many of us who have finished treatment and are fine.   I think we are chatty helpful group and our group-persona is very positive..

     Time heals wounds and yes, it does get better.. you just get used to the fact that you have cancer and are not dying.  I've never been that afraid myself in spite of a pretty heavy duty treatment plan...  I feel that every day I wake up is an opportunity. I never think about dying unless one of my kids needs to talk about it.       I let them know that we'll just do our best..

    what more can we do?

    wishing you luck.. hopefully things will get back to normal for you very soon.. and you'll experience  many wonderful years

    hope you come visit the Stage III forum. 

    Let's see, it's been about 20 months since my initial consultation.. i remember the  fear, the unease.. however, things are pretty ok now... my hair's a bit short, but it's growing.  I've met so many survivors. .. they lead normal lives. 

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  • TammyLou
    TammyLou Member Posts: 740
    edited December 2009

    I think that, with time, you get better at it...to a point.

    I'm almost 5 years out...but, tomorrow, I'm going back to the cancer doctor for my six month checkup.

    And, it is difficult not to cave into the urge to assume the fetal position.

    So, it is likely that you and your wife will get to the point where you are not freaked out ALL of the time...just on "special" occasions. 

    tl 

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