Should I shave my head in support?
My mother has breast cancer, she has had a double mastectomy & lymph nodes removed. She is now in chemo & will start radiation soon. She & her husband of 25+ years are also going through a divorce. She has recently shaved her head since most of her hair was falling out. I have tossed this idea around since she was first diagnosed. But, I'm STRONGLY considering shaving my head too. I want to show my support for her & what she is going through. I want her to know she isn't going through this alone, in a time where she does feel very alone. If my daughter was to do this for me, I would be deeply touched. I'm looking for others thoughts & opinions on this. Any positive feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Comments
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It must be a difficult time for your mother not only facing cancer but also a divorce. In my opinion the best thing that you can do for her is to be there for her. I am half way through chemo right now and one of the biggest problems I face is fatigue. If you live close by help her by bringing over food, helping around the house and be there to listen. Shaving your head I am sure would be very touching for her. However, it is a decision that you are going to have to make.
Best of luck to you and your mom!
Barb
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My husband offered to shave his head, but while I was touched, I agree with Barb that being there for your mom and helping out are much more valuable ways to show your support. Personally, I felt that seeing my husband without his hair would just keep reminding me that I didn't have any. I also really like his hair--so his shaving it would deprive me of something I enjoy. But I know others who have done differently. One thing though - I wouldn't do it without talking to her--I would have very angry if someone did that to me.
Good luck.
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aoandrews43 - I agree with you. If my husband were to shave his head it would be a constant reminder. I think there are many other ways to show your love and support. It is difficult enough everytime we have to look at our bald head.
Barb
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I would not like it if my children shaved their heads. I wouldn't count that as support, but a meaningless, Hollywood gesture. I love looking at my son's beautiful, curly hair! Support, to me, means being there, helping out with chores, making some meals, driving me places if I can't go, doing things for me that I have difficulty with, etc.
Losing your hair is an effect of chemo but there are other side effects that are worse and helping out while she is dealing with some of those is probably a much better way of showing support. I assume you are doing all of these things since you sound like a caring daughter.
Maybe instead of shaving your head you can volunteer for some breast cancer groups too. I'm sure your mother has been helped by the American Cancer Society, or a local group that has given her pillows and other items needed after mastectomy. Supporting other breast cancer survivors would be a lot more meaningful in showing how important her experience has been to you, then something like shaving your head.
My sympathies to your mother. I'm sorry she has to deal with a divorce at this time, it must be extremely difficult for her. I'm glad you are there to help her.
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I didn't lose my hair (no chemo here) but my mom went through chemo. My father offered to shave his head in support but she said as long as he was there with her she didn't want him to shave his head, although he did cut off his 'comb over' and is now keeping his hair cut short. We have pictures of my mom and all the guys in the family with very short haircuts after she lost her hair. My nephew cut his long ponytail off and donated it to Locks of Love in honor of my mom.
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i've done the hairless thing, and it's not so fun. it takes so long to grow and really does make you feel pretty. If you would look good.. cutting edge, gorgeous and avant garde, I'd say go for it. otherwise, save yourself the regret.
A super short cut would be a significant enough gesture.
that said, my eldest son, then 13, shaved his after I shaved mine.. a few of his friends did too. There are a lot of men in our community with shaved heads. It was really cool, and it offered him a lot of positive feedback when he was first dealing with his mother's cancer diagnosis.
you are a pretty nice gal. heh. Your mother is lucky to have you.
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I know for me, I could forget for a while that I was bald - just didn't look in the mirror very much. Still don't, now that it is very short, and am still surprised when i see myself sometimes. My daugters are 24 and 27 and as a mom, I want to SPARE them any type of pain, not cause it. So I would NEVER want them to do it and I hope they never have to. Plus looking at it all the time would be a painful reminder for me. However, they were AWESOME coming over and surprising me with fun treats to eat when I didn't feel like it, calling to say hi and cheer me up, cooking me special meals, cleaning the house for me, curling up on the bed and talking a while. Those things meant everything to me.
Also - they bought a brass ring and a long chain. They had the inside of the ring engraved with the words "Always here for you" and their initials. It was probably a 30" chain or so, long enough for me to hold it in my hands and fiddle with it during challenging or scary moments. I wore it to every chemo and other scary medical thing (or kept it in my pocket) and derived great strength from it. It is a very meaningful item to me now. I don't think it was expensive and isn't fancy, but it really really helped me. Perhaps she would like a keepsake like that.
(PS - one of my neighbors offered to shave her head with me. I said absolutely not. That being said - she said one of her friends had a CHILD with leukemia and the DAD shaved his head with the son who was about 9. Now that makes more sense to me.)
Good luck with your mom. Just show lots of love, ask her what she needs and be there for her. That will mean so much. I know it did for me with my daughters.
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Your title caught my attention - when my Dad was dying of lung cancer (I was about 47) I said we'd ALL shave our heads with him! He was horrified and quite angry. Now that it is my turn with cancer, though I didn't have to do chemo, I certainly would NOT want my kids (28,27,26,23) shaving their heads!
Women who go bald with chemo wear wigs and scarves to hide the baldness. Would you? I agree with the post above that said it would be a "Hollywood gesture", one I made years ago to my Dad!
Surely you can find another way to show support. I ended up taking my Dad treats to tempt him to eat. He wouldn't eat a regular meal, but he loved it when I brought fudge or cookies. Go figure!
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The thing with this is you want a sense of normality, and you need moments where you are not thinking about cancer. I'm not sure that doing this would help.
One thing that gets over looked is the need to enjoy life in a totally non cancer way. So it may be that a trip to the movies, or a drive to antique stores, or an art gallery would be something that really lifts her spirits.
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First, it is clear that whatever you do is coming from a place of love.
However I vote in the "HELL NO DO NOT SHAVE YOUR HEAD" section. I hated it when a "friend" did that. I felt it was more a desperate bid for attention not to mention that I felt like it reduced cancer to a bad hair event. And furthermore!!! her hair started to grow before the clippings hit the ground. I didn't exactly need the reminder that hers was coming back while mine was . . . well, NOT.
AND if someone is going to shave their head then they should go for the whole enchilada and shave their eyebrows, pluck out all their eyelashes and get rid of the pubic hair too. Hell, hook themselves up to an IV and go for the whole f*cking wonderful chemo experience.
IN CONCLUSION: I vote no. But everyone is different. That is just my opinion. When in doubt, ask the person with cancer what THEY want. Hard to go wrong that way.
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I think if you want to show your support for your mother you should do so in practical ways, helping her with household chores, cooking, etc that may be difficult for her to do while she is in treatment. Also I think cookiegal has a good point about the need to enjoy life. Do something fun with your mom and hang out with her.
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rock, your post me laugh out loud. It sort of reminds me of your post that started the "The Road to Hell...(or "Laughter is the Best Medicine") thread.
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My daughter - who was 16 when I was in chemo, offerred to shave her head with me. I declined her offer because I didnt want her to cut her beautiful hair and get sunburned all summer- she is a softball player. I would not have wanted her to shave her head but was very touched by her offer. My husband, went and shaved his head and kept it burred off until mine started growing back in- he really didnt ask me- just did it and I actually enjoyed it. It took a lot of attention off of me (I was really self conscious about church etc) because everyone was commenting on him and it was really funny with him- we sported hats all summer and had fun doing funny hat things together!. He still wears his a lot shorter than pre chemo even though mine is grown back.
I dont see any harm in asking your Mom about it- she will probably tell you no but she might appreciate the offer and enjoy the company being shaved.
Kristy
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Count me in with the "no" crowd - even acknowledging that your offer comes from love.
I covered my bald head with a wig or hats that my daughter knit for me trying as much as possible not to make my health the centre of all that happened- it would have broken my heart if my daughter shaved off her beautiful hair. The more normal the rest of life has been, the happier I am.
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I should mention I live on the east coast & my mother lives on the west coast. I would be very happy to help her do day to day activities, take her to a movie, hell, I would LOVE to do anything with her that she would find pleasure in. I'm by no means trying to make a "Hollywood gesture" - instead I want her to know I'm going through this with her no matter how far apart we are!
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hHow about an itty bitty mom tattoo? With a cute little pink ribbon?
Assuming you mom would not freak out?
Why do I get these double letters on the start of my posts "hH"
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MDMOM, I sent you a Private Message...........just click on "Private Messages" in the upper right hand of this page.
Your heart is in the right place.
Edit to add, I got chemo in the summer and in no way did I try to 'hide' my baldness. I did not even have a wig. I wore a hat for warmth and to prevent sunburn.
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MDMOM, it does make it harder for your to help your mom if you are on the opposite coasts. I suspect that staying in frequent contact with her - cards, emails, phone calls - would mean a lot to her. LIsten to her and tell her how much she means to you, how much you love her.
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lisa just said it way better than I did.
Gentle hugs.
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I'm going through divorce during treatment also and combating the lonliness is the worst part - not the hair! The best thing in the world during all this has been the little cards and gifts I get from my chemo angels. When I'm having a really crummy day and go out to the mailbox and find a little trinket from someone or even just a friendly note, it makes me realize I'm not forgotten about. You could sign her up for that - I think it's chemoangels.com, and in addition to that, maybe you could surprise her with things in the mail too. You could call a million times a day, but sometimes a surprise in the mail makes all the difference, especially when you usually get nothing but medical bills!
If you are still considering shaving the hair, ask her how it would make her feel first. When I was diagnosed, my sister told my dad she was gonna shave her hair and my dad told her it would just bring more attention to me and my situation and that I wouldn't like it. He was right!
However you help, your mom is lucky to have a daughter caring for her like you do!
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I agree with the surprises in the mail! How about a magazine subscription as well? Those singing cards - when she least expects it! Don't try to make the date mean anything, that makes it a better surprise!
If you are on the East coast, she wouldn't see your shaved head anyway...would she? If not and it would make you feel better.....
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MDMOM, when one asks a question here one gets lots of input. (Which is good.......in lots of ways.) I think you will know in your heart what is right for you and your mother. Whatever you decide to do......your Mom will know.....it comes from your heart.
Gentle hugs. And that comes from my heart.
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You know, I read my note back and I think it sounded harsher than I meant it. Last night I watched a movie starring Cameron Diaz where her daughter who had cancer was upset about going to a dance because she was bald. So, Cameron runs to the bathroom and shaves her head in solidarity with her daughter. Which, in my mind, is ridiculous - how does that help her15 year old daughter feel better about herself? The movie didn't make it clear, and then in the next scenes, the mom's hair was normal and Cameron was back to her gorgeous self. But the girl was still bald and they bought her a wig for the dance, which DID make her feel better.
It doesn't show support, at least to me. I don't get it. But, maybe your mom will, so you should ask her - she raised you and maybe you two think more along the same lines.
All that doesn't mean I don't think you aren't a caring and lovely daughter. And, since you aren't close to your mom physically, then I really do agree with the idea of trinkets in the mail. I get some from friends and they really do make my day. A funny book, a silly thing like a snuggie, the brass ring thing mentioned above, cards, letters and phone calls - tall a nice way to support from far away. My son has threatened to buy me a rainbow colored clown wig. That makes me laugh and I'll totally wear it if he does. But, he better keep his own hair on his head!
I know you want to "be with" your mom and maybe shaving your head will make you feel closer to her. Speaking as a mother, it would horrify me that my child did that. It's different for a husband, but the last thing you want is your child to have to go through ANYTHING awful that you have to, even something temporary, like a shave.
Sorry if I sounded harsh, I didn't mean to. I think the steroids are making me abrupt.
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Wow, I'm fascinated at how many of you are urging her not to shave. It's completely up to you. A friend of mine offered, and would not be talked out of it. We met with a third friend and made a silly day of it. We ate pizza, we laughed, we cried. The third friend is a dog groomer, and did our buzz cuts. We took lots of pictures and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I was very moved by her gesture, and I really enjoyed seeing her hair growing back, and looking forward to the day that mine would do the same. She did not go totally bald ... she left maybe a quarter to a half inch. It was cute, and the day is one of my fondest memories of the cancer support network my friends provided me.
Do what's right for you and your mom. Either way, it sounds like she will know she's loved, and that's the most important thing you can do right now. Also, bald or buzz cut ... earrings really show up, and can highlight your femininity.
Hugs to you both.
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Gryffin, with all due respect...a friend is a peer, a husband is a partner and lover.I don't think anyone was urging her not to shave her head, but just giving their opinion as asked for.
MDMOM wanted "others thoughts & opinions" and as usual we have all stepped up to the plate. Those of us who are Moms told her how we'd feel if our daughter followed through with what she was suggesting. I had felt the same way when my Dad had lung cancer so I totally understand where MDMOM is coming from.
I think a very broad range of opinions were posted and with total honesty, but perhaps our "mommy voices" came through loud and clear!
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you've certainly gotten a lot of opinions..
just sharing an anecdote.. I told my 3 kids I had cancer and the first thing my youngest daughter (then 9) said was "you better start wearing a hat, we don't want your hairs falling out all over the floor".
i laughed till I cried.
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I love the idea of a special momento -- like the ring and chain mentioned earlier--that your mom could take to treatment and thus have you 'right there with her.' My son is 12, and he gave me a stuffed animal to bring with me--and that felt so supportive (I knew he was upset about my dx when he had to make a poster of good and bad things that have happened in his life and my dx was on the "worst" line -- right there with when Manny Ramirez was booted from the RedSox :-)
You are a very loving daughter and I hope all these suggestions are helpful, but not overwhelming!
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If you are "religious", you might send your Mom a "holding cross". You can goggle it, as there is quite a range of prices. If your priest, minister can "bless" it, I think that would mean more than shaving your head -- MY opinion.
I must agree that shaving your head is not the best idea. An acquaintance, not really a friend, told me she was going to shave her head and I told her she is nuts. I did not "choose" to lose my hair, it is part of what happens with chemo.
Just MY thoughts. You are the kind of daughter I would love to have, but please do NOT shave your head.
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MDMOM -- what a sweet and loving daughter you are to suggest this; however, I am kinda at a loss for how shaving YOUR head helps your Mom. I know people do that but I think it is like when you are a little kid and are told to finish the food on your plate - there are children who don't have food. I always wondered how cleaning my plate helped starving children in any way.
I think you should give her this web site if she isn't already on it so that she has plenlty of people to talk to.
Rock - you crack me up!
Barbe - as always - sage advice.
Apple - LOL - your daughter has a fine sense of humor and a very practical one too.
Aoandrews - you son is a treasure - I think it is wonderful of him to give you a stuffed animal to take with your to your chemo treatments. What a loving gesture to think only of you at the time.
Nancy - right on. This was not an optiion for you. So please don't shave your head MDMOM.
Hugs to you and your Mom.
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Thanks for your post, I know the movie you are referring to. I just want to experience as much as I can with her from where Iam.
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