Anger management issues....

Hi Pennylane,

I'm 3yrs out from dx and know what you mean about "dukes up."  I was on Lexapro and Klonopin both of which I have now stopped, BUT I keep a couple of low dose Klonopin on hand "in case of emergency."  I had a lot of problems at/with work during the 'worst year' which was pretty much 2007.  My immediate manager was the total opposite of supportive, he actually made things more difficult for me (continually referred to problems as "cancers that need to be cut out because you know what happens,,," and "maybe you should take a posistion with less stress {and pay and security because once you're in a new position you're not subject to ADA if they can you in the first 6 months.)  You talk about hostile.  And there were two women who engaged in all the petty middle school stuff you could imagine.  I was a walking powder keg.  (And I had, relatively speaking, a problem-free, low/no SE lumpectomy, chemo, rads & Herceptin.  Can't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been fortunate in that regard.)

I can say now that most of the time, I don't get enraged when I get angry.  Full disclosure:  I took one of those Klonopin's on Friday; I realized I was getting 'edgy'.  The agner is real and justified.  (I've been really PO'd about this BS about health insurance and the "new guidelines.")  I am not going to be a quiet little mouse; I never was.  But the rage seemed to subside when I either accept that I'm screwed or found more effective ways of dealing with jerks.  (They are "Code ID-10-T"  As soon are you consciously working from the ID10T playbook, you have gained the upper hand in the situation.)

I have also consciously embarked on a program to reduce my stress while driving; I commute 25 miles each way.  I just try to 1) quickly ID the 10Ts and get away from and 2) cede the right-of-way quickly and wave the other car, pedestrian, bicycle through.  I spend less time mad at the jerk who barely stops at this sign (because I would have waved him through anyway) and don't waste time with "after you, Alfonse" when the other driver is right-minded.  It has helped.

I have found that I have become less tolerant of stupidity and am not going to take it anymore. I used to be passive-aggressive. I would hate what someone did to me but rather than confront them, I would bitch about it to everyone else. Now I've learned to just face it dead on and come out swinging!

I am 51 and found that as I get older I have more of a "right" to expect better treatment. I guess my "mommy voice" works.

Common sense isn't so common. Either is common courtesy!

I am on Welbutrin and Zoloft (which helps with my anger).

How does one tell the difference between anger and depression?

Amen Nativemainer!   How dare ANYONE who hasn't played this game tell me how I should react!  When you have been there done that you may tell me how you reacted -- but you still MAY NOT tell me how to react... keep my chin up ... how about up yours?   sorry.... rant over.  I do find myself getting upset with the stupidity of other people .. even before I had breast cancer I knew enough not to say stupid things to woman who had!  My standard remark was "I am sorry you have to go through this" - why cant anybody else figure out that that is a kind and politically correct thing to say?!  I am tired of the whispers behind my back.. I am tired of having to act like everything is ok and normal... I will never be the same... my thoughts will never be the same.. my family will never be the same ... all because of this damn disease... Thanks for listening.  Tami

I am so glad you posted! And especially on the moving beyond board.  It's the perfect place.  So many are told that we move on after treatment.  Of course, at the end of treatment is when we finally have the time and Maybe the energy to wrap our heads around the fact that we had/have freekin cancer!

And what's NOT to be angry about?  Some doc told me I should be grateful --- I softly and firmly explained that I was NOT grateful to have had bc and would he please excuse me, I would be leaving now and needed to get dressed.

I was so very fortunate to have a best friend or two who would let rant and rail (very loudly), nod her head in agreement and never, ever voice a platitude.  It took me about 3 years to finally get over some of it and seek very short term counseling.  ( I had to have recon twice in 2 years which was no help in moving on)

How about this: you are perfectly normal.  Honest.  Anger is such an exhausing emotion!  If there is some way to have better living thru chemistry, counseling, throwing plates (did that), or anything you choose that does not hurt yourself or others------------DO IT.

You are allowed to be as angry as long as you are angry.  No limits, no judgements, and if you want to curse the air around you a lovely shade of blue, go for it.  Unfortunately, the boards have changed to where we cannot cuss with abandon as we did in the beginning, and perhaps that's a good thing for some.  But for me, a whole string of 4  or 5 letter words is actually helpful---no kids around, of course.

Bless you, again, so glad you brought this subject up.

Oh yes, Pennylane, I do understand. This is not all the time, but there are days when I get my feelings hurt easily, get irritated easily. I bark back at people close to me on a text, email or face to face. Then I feel horrible and guilty and try to explain how sorry I am, how I don't know what had come over me, blah blah. I am fortunate in that most understand. I told my husband that I am STILL angry about bc. How long will I be angry?  

Raye

Sometimes when I know I'm really bad, I'll apologize to my DH as soon as I come home before I even do anything to piss him off! It works great and we usually end up laughing when I go "off". We made a deal 17 years ago that only one of us can be mad at a time. That has been a godsent rule and has added a lot of fun to our relationship. It's not like a pissing contest to see who had the worst day, but to see who needs to vent. I've watched him stomping all over a new cowboy hat with his knees almost hitting his chin! He's seen me throw a scotch and soda across our garage, and when that didn't work, I threw his! hehehehehehehee ah....good times...sigh.

Hi Pennylane -  Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about.  I am five years out from chemo, lumpectomy and radiation.  I didn't have an overly hard experience during my treatment but at the same time it wasn't exactly easy.  I did continue to work (part-time) for the year I was going through treatment, I didn't have a choice, that was the only way to continue my health insurance.  I have gone back to full-time and am doing well from a medical standpoint.  That being said, I do experience these puzzling emotions you mention.  I am extremely happy to have survived, to be alive and able to live and work full time.  However, at the same time, I find that I am very quick to get angry and will jump off the handle and get angry over very small or very large issues.  I actually had an argument in the grocery store because I was buying three cases of soda and bottled water.  Last month I didn't put them all up on the belt and they got upset that they couldn't scan each one.  This week, I put them all up on the belt and the manager came over getting all bossy saying I shouldn't do that, it's the clerk's job to get the items scanned.  At first I tried to explain that the last time it didn't work out that way so I was trying to do it right and put them all up there for the clerk.  This manager said oh no, that's not how it should be.  She kept going on until I finally said, oh should I check to see who is the manager before I shop so I'll know if I should do it your way or not?  I was really upset and angry.  Then, I got to my car and was so upset for getting mad over something that really was stupid.  Sorry I'm going on and on in such a long post - I just really do understand what you're saying and am in that boat with you!  I'm really hoping with time it will dissipate.