Totally Cr*pped Off!!!

I have been on this board for four years and compared to many I dont' post much.  I am probably a bit shy.  So this is unlike to me to have such a big public whinge and air my dirty laundry publicly but IT'S TOO MUCH AND I NEED TO WHINGE.

My life is good, I have a good husband, two wonderful boys (9 y.o. twins) and enough money to be comfortable. Underneath it all I am happy.  However I am just fed up with the curve balls life keeps throwing.  I know compared to many I am lucky so if trivial whinging annoys you read no further.  This is a temporary feeling I know and there is probably a bit of PMS thrown in here as well.

July 2004 Diagnosed with early BC, grade three, ER+PR-.  I lived in Perth on the west coast of Australia.

August 2004 Diagnosed with an inflammatory autoimmune disease it is either ankylosing spondylitis or psoriatic arthritis.  This is quite a painful and progressive disease.

2005 nearly had an anxiety attack when my kids started pre-school two months after my chemo finished.  Mentally I had been fine since the diagnosis, it was post treatment I suffered.  I went on an SSRI anti-depressant and have remained on them until recently.

I quit my job at the end of my chemo to spend time with my kids.  I went back to work in August 2006.  In April 2007 my mother was diagnosed with Stage Four cancer, at first we thought it was her breast cancer recurrning from 12 years earlier.  It turned out to be Melanoma and she was dead within twelve weeks. 

When I found out that Mum was dying I wanted to move interstate to be with her.  I once again quit my job to move. Unfortunatley she died before we got there.  However we still made the intersate move which was very stressful with buying and selling houses and resettling children.

My smallest twin Aaron was diagnosed with a learning difficulty in Perth and when we got to Hobart, Tasmania the school just didn't want to know.  His teacher was b*tch and the poor little guy ended up hating school.

Eighteen months later we decided to move on from Tasmania as it is a very small state and didn't provide the opportunities for my husbands work.  I felt bad leaving my Dad who is grief stricken and suffers from a fairly serious anxiety problem.  He has a really noticable lip-licking tic.

Trying to sell our house in Hobart at the height of the GFC and look after the kids when my husband had already moved to Queensland was hard.  I was very stressed about my kids changing schools again.

During my stay in Hobart my rheumatologist put me on TNF blockers a very expensive but effective medication for my autoimmune disease.  There is some uncertainty about using this medication in patients who have had a previous cancer.

We have been in Brisbane since January.  Long story short.  I had a suspected carcinoma of my thyroid which turned out to be benign after they cut half my thyroid out to check.  However my rheumatologist here made me stop the TNF blocker in July re the cancer thing.  Now I am in pain every day and so tired that I am very cranky and irritable.  I am also working part-time for a boss who is almost impossible to please.  I am an accountant and I know I am doing a good job but it still isn't fun when someone is always complaining.

About two months ago my alcoholic, divorced sister with three children aged 12,14 and 16 attempted suicide two times.  Once in front of her 12 year old daughter.  I copped a lot of abuse from her about being lucky and not giving time to my harder done by family members i.e. her.  I will point out she won't admit that she needs to stop drinking.  At times I have received abusive texts and had her screaming and crying at me on the phone.  Apparently I am responsible for making her life better.  I am very concerned about her children and me and my husband are doing as much as we can to help the kids.

Four weeks ago my 60 y.o mother-in-law broke her neck at the C2 level falling off a hay trailer on her farm.  She lives a six hour drive from Brisbane.  We have visited twice which exhausts me because of my arthritis.  We have also spent hours on the phone providing suppport and fighting with the hospital over totally inadequate care.  One night she spent fourteen hours lying in her own faeces.  This is a spinal injury patient who could not help herself.  Fortunately she is to make a very good recovery.  We are extremely lucky given the dangerous nature of her injury.

My pain has been getting worse.  In amongst this I have changed from an SSRI to a trycyclic anti-depressant to help with the non-restorative sleep and pain of my arthritis.  I really felt strung out while making this change.  Things seem to be settling down though.

I found out yesterday that my sister go picked up on Friday night for drink driving for the second time in less than 18 months.  She was over 0.15 both times, the limit is 0.05.  This is a very serious offence and if she does it a third time she will be up for a mandatory jail term.  She lost her license for six months last time, this time it will be at least a year.

She quit her duty managers job at a hotel a while back because she was on a verge of a breakdown.  Anyway this week she was to start running a family daycare.  This is what she did when her kids were younger.  Well on her first day her little dog got let out accidently and was run over and killed.  She was screaming and hysterical and had to call the parents of the kids in her care to come and get their little ones. It is so sad about her little dog but I am very worried about her future if she can't make a success of this work.

I have left messages and sent texts offering support but I have been ignored.  She will probably call when she needs something or she wants someone to yell at.

Well that is selfish little me - tired and in pain and fed up that things just can't settle down for a few minutes.  I am also trying to coordinate building a house. 

I wrote a letter to my rheumatologist that if I can't get my medication back through the government I will pay for it myself.  This will cost about $20k per year after tax, which is roughly equal to how much I earn in my part-time job. I think if I wasn't so tired I would be feeling less weighed down.

Well if you got this far into my little keyboard trantum you have done well.  Thanks for 'listening'.

I feel better now, I think.

Sandy

P.S. I am not mean. I do care about my sister it is just so draining on top of everything else.