Single, no kids, - how do you cope?

cmharris.

.Question: Breast mound has complete feeling.......I don't understand i guess. I'm not having reconstruction, at least not right away after BMX.  You had spacers put in or something? Does that entail what for you? What's in there or out there that you can feel?  If that's not too intrusive a question.

Nebraska, thanks.  I'm kinda embarrassed about always posting about Moon and Buddy, but they are my friends, my roomates, the largest part of my life really. Pretty shy, don't have much to do with anyone outside work, and mainly just stick with my folks (92,90) for socialization except people i meet on River Road walking the dogs.  It's the one constant I adhere to. I have to be really sick not to walk them.

Queenlurker,

I already thought about that.  How cool, though.  I now am getting to know an entire group of incredible people who are going to be ageing with me.  With upcoming surgery and recovery i don't see me leaving the forum for at least a year. 

One reason i stick to this forum (nice to say forum, not thread) is i'm making friends, who i'm even starting to remember names and some people i remember where they live, if not, most of us have that posted, really like that.  Like to look where people live and wish i was there.

A dream of mine: I so badly want to move to Alb./Sante Fe area of New Mexico.  Have dreamed of it for years.  Even since divorce somethings always held me back.  Now I would never leave while folks are alive.  But then i think about my grandkids.  Then, and this has to be common for all of us, I think, at what point can i move where i want?  When i'm too old to enjoy it?  First, it was your husband and kids, then kids, now grandkids, But damn, i don't even know how i'd accomplish it, but i really know, if i don't do it soon, i won't.  Input, do you guys get to see your grandkids?  i'm two hours away now.  But the expense of driving down there for everything is rather cost prohibitive. I could move closer and work in Lawrence, but there's few places more expensive.  Believe it or not, New Mexico is less expensive than Lawrence, KS.  Besides, if i moved, there's no saying both my kids won't eventually move.  55, divorced many years, no dates, damn that's not my choice, must be the small home town thing and i don't drink.  Actually don't really socialize, but in New Mexico there's everything to do and it doesn't cost. (Can you tell i've been there?   I have MS also.  I will say, change in drs. scare me, but that's just natural. Oh gosh, you guys, we're all within the same age range, I'm always going to be working,on limited income.  Own my house here, but if something happens i can't afford to fix it.  Sell after my parents are gone and go?  Rent, so i don't have to worry about upkeep. Can't manage it on my own.  What are your thoughts?  I can't follow my kids around, they'd be annoyed for sure.  I don't know they'll stay down there.  HELP? 

Marian

Girls,

For so long I have been reading posts about ladies whose kids are what give them the strength to go on, feeling like I was the only one who not only didnt have kids but also no SO. It is a relief to know I am not the only oddball.

I live abroad. When I got my first dx in 1999 I went back to the states for treatment. Like you CM I had no risk factors except for not having kids. 39 years old, active, thin, nonsmoker etc. I was in the middle of working on my PhD and after tx was over I came back to Brazil to finish. Also because I was in a relationship here at the time. But that fell apart because of the mojo side effects of tamoxifen. Still hurts to think of it.

I defended in 2005 and since then have been scrambling to get myself a permanent job, very competetive in academia. So having kids was still not a viable option. I kept thinking I would eventually meet my soulmate and when that had stabilized, adopt. Until strike 2 came earlier this year-- Iocal recurrence and mets. Now even adoption is a pipe dream. As for the soulmate--as LibraGirl said, I am still getting making friends with the foob myself, introducing it to someone else is a big step.

This time around, for insurance reasons --as well as the fact that here I have a house and a temporary job -- I stayed in Brazil. My parents are both dead. My sibs and stepmother, for various reasons, couldn´t make it down here for my surgery. So, it has been a lonely battle. It is still.

Nice to meet y' all.

Lisa 

Oh Pitanga!

My heart hurts for you.  And CM I do understand about the pets.  Not about not having the kids of course, but fortunately, unfortunately, I really stressed independence to them and refused to rule them with any kind of guilt, so.........................there are the reasons for 2 cats, 2 dogs.  I love them so much it hurts. 

CM, i'm worried for you and i really think that info i gave you can help a little, actually a lot.  Your cats, i'm no vet, but i swear, i might as well have been i've had so many animals and of course, lost so many.  I swear if household stress could kill them, why didn't my year in a wheelchair when at home i was constantly crying into all four of their coats do it?  They looked at me and knew i'd feed them.  I never intend on getting another when i lose one, but i go to the shelter and there are so many many (especially cats) that need us.  I never replace, but I always seem to get another almost immediately so whoever's remaining won't go into a depression.  Then I fall in love with that one as well.  I have a house and a heart full of love for these animals.  I will probably always spend more on them than me.  Thankfully I have a small town vet that takes a hundred dollars a month from me from now until i die and doesn't bother billing me.  Hell, half the time, she has called me to take an animal when i've lost one. She says they just consider me an annuity.

I guess i'm saying, i'm not completely sold that it's your fault they have gotten ill.  Just hard for me to buy.  They love to be cried on, I swear!

Lisa, i only got my masters and thought the competitiveness was out of this world.  I hated it. After that i started my own company.  Was going for Doctorate when ex left after twenty years of marriage.  i was 42 and scared to death.   What are you looking at for future living? There or states?  a little lonely, bet that's an understatement.  please keep posting.

Maybe we can all move to NM and rent a house together and fight, slam doors and hang ties when we have company??????

I've thought about finding a roommate, but never even really thought about someone in the same position as me.  Hmmmmmmm need to think.  Really, seriously, have looked into the roommate situation possibility in NM.

Maybe we all just need to start thinking out of the box??? Seriously.  Going to go to rest in chair for hour before work. 

This is a very good, not exactly laughter yet, but maybe a problem solving, out of the box thinking thread?  It could turn out to be a very problem solving thread, seriously.  Oh lord, now i'm raving.........g'nite guys.  Much thanks, actually feel better, knowing youre out there.

Marian

C

Please please please do not feel guilty for not working. If you possibly can, enjoy it a little.  I did not go back to work after SSDI until my unemployment ran out. 

Thats when i called Vocational Rehabilitation at SRS and asked if they could possibly help me with my COBRA.  They said no, but they had a part-time job and i could sign up for the medicaid buy-in.  It honestly took me from unbelievably high stress to medium stress.  My meds and dr and hosp bills are pd. for. 

Whatever you are getting from your work for disability, figure out the highest paying part-time job you think you could get, have to be something that can be flexible, like if i'm sick on mon. i go in tues. wed. fri.  or mon. wed. fri. or tue. th. fri. whatever.Figure out how much you would have to work to replace it, knowing you don't have to pay COBRA.   Vocational Rehabilitation you automatically are eligible for because you're on disability.  They will help you find the right job.  They will help you with anything you need to remove barriers to working. (Like car repairs, any amt. of medical you owe after medicare and medicaid pay, more, just can't think). It's a great resource. The reason they couldn't help me at first, was i was asking for help w/o also wanting to work.  they are a work oriented program.  so when you're cobra runs out, you could only make like one hundred dollars a month and qualify and pay almost nothing for medicaid coverage.  Best program out there for people who want to work, and few people know about it. 

You are dealing with an extra illness on top of BC.  Of course there are others who have more energy, even others with StageIV. 

We'll get there together.

Marian

Girls,

There is so much in your posts to respond to but my mind is a little fuzzy today. Not enough sleep. On top of everything else a few months ago I developed bursitis in my shoulder and the pain is worse when i am lying down. So sleep deprivation is becoming the norm for me. But it is really nice to connect with y' all so I wanted to touch base again.

You were discussing insurance issues... One of the things that keeps me in Brazil is that I have insurance here. If I went back to the US I would have to try to get onto medicaid. I went that route during strike 1 and it was an extra source of stress. I know Obama is working on trying to improve that situation but I have not kept up with all the modifications that ended up getting made to the bill. Whatever watered-down version they end up passing, I hope it takes into account the special hell that the current system creates when people who have serious illnesses find themselves between jobs.

As for reconstruction--Moon, you mention being concerned about extra recovery time. I was concerned about that too, also because my PS told me that for LAT flap and DIEP, they have to remove some muscle tissue as well, not just fat, otherwise there is not enough blood supply. Did your PS say anything about that, CM? But the longer recovery period is only for LAT flaps and DIEPs. For implants I think it amounts to the same thing. During my mastectomy surgery in March, I got a one-step thing called a Becker implant. It is a TE & permanent implant all rolled into one. I got it because the idea of no exchange surgery was appealing but I am not terribly happy with its tennis-ball consistency. So I am thinking of removing it to get a regular silicone gel implant. I could do that during the breast lift I am due to get on the non-mx side to correct the 4-inches difference in height between the "foob" and the "boob". On the other hand maybe the new implant will also have its problems, and if they mess with both sides I will be totally helpless for at least a week. A problem when you live alone.

Seems to me  like buying a foob is sort of like buying new shoes. They feel great in the store. It´s only after you get them home and start to wear them that you realize they give you blisters. By that time you cant return them anymore. I have so many pairs of shoes that I only wore one or two times. Now I´m working on a foob collection, LOL.

Lisa 

C--thank you so much for starting this thread.  I, too, am 50, single-never married,no kids, no SO, my mother is nearing 80 and (thank God) doing well but doesn't really understand. If it weren't for the 2 dogs I had duirng rads (only one now) I would have been totally alone.  I went through biopsies  & lumpectomy with almost no help or support, only told my mom when I needed a driver for the lumpectomy.  Went throught rads, with multiple complications, with no support from friends or the rads "team".  Had to admit to needing help when I ended up in the hospital for 8 days in 2008 due to complications from rads, and a  mastectomy in Aug. 2008. 

I did discover I can't do it without help, and that my mom isn't the best help for me.  I did  the typical Downeast Mainer thing-independant and private until I wound up in the hospital and couldn't hide what was happening anymore.  Since then I have been blessed with a number of friends who are more than willing to help--even to the extent of going to Boston with me when I have appointments,  But I feel like I'm interrupting their lives when I ask for something from them. 

So many times I wished I had a husband or at least a roommate to fix a meal when I'm exhausted, to talk to in the middle of the night, for a shoulder to cry on, to know exactly what's going on and help me with all the paperwork and phone calls and faxing that goes into coordinating cancer care and reconstruction.  I even have to take responsibility for making sure mammogram and lab reports get to all the various doctors' offices.  It gets overwhelming sometimes. 

I lost my job during radiaiton (FMLA ran out) and now work at a job that I absolutely love, but pays a little more than half what I was making.  I had to borrow a large amount of money from my mother to pay off credit cards and such.  A year later I'm still living paycheck to paycheck and terrified of a complication or recurrence taking me out of work for any length of time.  And this is WITH  good health insurance.  I'd have been better off if I hadn't had any insurance. 

Sorry to go on so long, but it feels so good to be able to "say" this stuff where I know other women will understand.  Thank you so much for starting this thread, C.

I am SO sorry about your furbaby! I do know how tough that is. My heart goes out to you. I am waiting to see if one of mine pulls through right now....

The DIEP sounds like a marvelous way to spend Christmas! You will be taken care of and can't do housework or have to "perform". 

I had 4 cats too and had to put the oldest at 21 down last year. I was beside myself with grief! This one with the problem is the baby at 16, it seems to be in his mouth/teeth and I just don't have the extra cash to take him to a pet dentist so we're feeding him soft food and milk and he seems just as spunky. With the hard food he was bleeding all over the house on every single piece of upholstered furniture we have. Poor guy!

Watching my husband is hard. His mom has severe Alzheimers and doesn't even know him and he hasn't gone to see her in about 4-5 years though she is only about 2 hours away. I'm afraid he'll become like that.....sigh. She is in great health at 86 or 87....and will probably live forever!

Finances can add so much to the stress of disease! I was bankrupt about 5 years ago when my DH showed me a grocery store bag PACKED with bills (that's when I began to see his mental decline). He answered the phone during the day while I was at work and shielded me from the creditors. I had NO idea....honest! We lost everything except the tiny house we moved in to as the market value hadn't increased so there was no profit in it. I live paycheque to paycheque LITERALLY. I am not kidding! I have no RSPs or savings, no bonds or stocks. Nothing to fall back on. One of the reasons I didn't do recon due to the recovery time. I HAD to get back to work and up to speed as quickly as possible. I got my drains taken out from my double mast and went right to work the same day! I was off over Christmas and New Years last year. A good time for down time!