Being all Zen and In the Moment

Well, sometimes you shouldn't live in the moment if that moment is rotten. <grin> Don't mean to be flip, but I think you have every right to be pissed off, depressed and just downright cranky. Don't try to be positive all the time. There are many stages of grieving and people go through them in different ways. You'll have good days and bad days.

I personally would worry about your sanity if you were truly able to get to your Zen place at this time in your life. I can tell you it gets better, but right now it SUCKS! (Pardon my language!)

One thing that helped me during treatment was my iPod. I had a couple of songs that I could listen to, over and over, that would calm me down a bit. And I had a relaxation CD that was just the sound of the ocean surf that I put on my iPod. When I'd start to stress, I would plug in to the ocean sounds, do deep breathing exercises and try to get centered and find my Zen place.

There were times when I felt like I could just run around in circles, screaming, and no one could hear or help me. I would have to sit still, close my eyes and breathe deeply and slowly for like five minutes to calm back down.

Believe it or not, it will get easier after you start chemo---for two reasons. #1, you will feel like you're actively doing something to fight the beast and #2, you will be so busy dealing with getting to appointments and managing side effects, you won't have as much time to worry.

I don't know if my words will make you feel better or worse. I just want you to know that I've stood in your shoes and think you're asking too much of yourself to "live in the moment" at this particular juncture in time. <grin>

--CindyMN

PS  In the evenings after a really bad day, I would try to think of three nice things that happened to me that day. And they could be *really* minor!  Like, "I saw a beautiful sunrise" or "I had a nice conversation with that lady in the elevator."

Good luck in your journey. I'm thinking of you!!

I am halfway through chemo and sometimes it feels really bad. I read a book when I was first diagnosed Crazy Sexy Cancer, and it really made me laugh through those first terrible weeks of being scared out of my mind. I tend to keep my terror  to myself but occasionally something sets me off and the tears come out. Only home and usually only with my husband. I am quite the sight, bald and bawling!  Not use to looking so diffferent. But strangely the hair, even though tough to shave off initially, it felt liberating after a week or so...such a relief from the falling out phase!  My "new" hair has never looked better, I'm out of the shower and off to work in minutes...no more straightening, curling, blowdrying...there are some positives there!  When the reoccurance thoughts start to emerge, it's hard. My way of dealing with it is just really simple. I think of others who are really suffering. Small children with cancer, people who are struggling to live and eat everyday in other parts of the world, and I just start to feel better. Yes, I am sick, but I am doing the best I can do, I am getting good treatment, I have been in good health for 45 years, thats more than millions of people. Being sick has make me aware of places like St. Jude, and the breast cancer groups and other great organizations that i hope to get involved in next year. Whatever will be, will be. Having a good attitude is said to help the battle! 

Suzshea, good for you!  I also have become a little obsessed with reading books about italy, food and places and culture,...gives me somthing to look forward to when i go there someday. I will be quite educated!

Chumfry, I like your sound and music ideas...i think I will get an ipod and some of those ocean tapes.

Hugs!

Love you all.

four years out here, and you develop skills to deal with it all.  Not easy, but you can.  Be kind to yourselves, cut yourselves some slack.  One step at a time and don't look back.

You can do this and life is beautiful.

take care,

--hattie 

Forget about being all Zen and in the moment.  It's a false expectation!  If it happens every now and then, enjoy it, but give yourself permission to just BE.  Like someone said above, you don't have to find joy right now - just get through the moment.

Really, you've been throught the wringer, so you have every right to be angry and scared and whatever.  Scream, cry, throw stuff.  Then let that moment go and whip out that French book and study like you've never studied!  Get on the floor and play Legos with the kids.  Have a special treat for a snack.  Rent a funny movie.  

I honestly think you'll find it so much easier once you're immersed in active treatment. 

Hang in there!

I've never been a pill popper but I tell you what, Xanax is really doing wonders for me.  It's so hard in the beginning because we are trying to take all of this in, learn more than we've ever learned about anything so fast in our lives and on top of it, continue with our lives.  It's impossible not to be overwhelmed and stressed.  It's encouraging to know that it gets better when we start treatment.:)    Starting mine next week!

Love the relaxation suggestions!  I need to get an IPOD as well!

{{{hugs to all}}}}

Violet,

I was pretty much a non-medicator before too, but I started taking Effexor for hot flashes as well as anxiety.  The hot flashes were horrid and started with chemopause.  I'm WAYYY more stable and calm now, and it really does help with the hot flashes.  I don't know about Xanax, but you may want to ask if it has the same benefit for hot flashes. I don't like taking it, but honestly I  really need it for now.  I haven't really had any bad side effects from it, and I feel a million times better with it.  A word of caution, though, at least for Effexor:  whatever you do, don't stop taking it on your own and don't run out!  I made the mistake of just stopping it cold turkey, even on a low dose, and within 3 days I was an awful mess!  Anyway, lots and lots of us are on meds to help deal with stuff, so ask around and get some feedback to see what others recommend.  You may have to try several things, as it seems that it's different for everyone!  Good luck!

Since this thread is about finding our Zen places, I thought I'd share another thing I sometimes find helpful. Since I'm not religious, I don't really pray. But I am a science fiction fan, so I would often use the following "mantra" from the Dune books.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

I never could remember the whole thing, so I edited it down by omitting sentences 1, 3, 4 and 6.

--CindyMN 

I like the "hopeful" response as well.  It conveys that we are optimistic about our future but not discounting what we are going through.  I've been told over and over how "positive" my attitude is and what an "inspiration" I've been through this.  I want to tell people that I'm not trying to be anyone's inspiration, but that I'm just trying to get through it.  I have my moments of sheer terror and utter sadness just like everyone else, and I don't want to feel as if I have to live up to someone's expectations of being an inspiration.  Just because everyone doesn't see all my emotions doesn't mean I don't have them.

I hate it when people say how "brave" we are. To me, it's much more about being stubborn than brave. I simply outlasted the cancer during the barrage of treatment.

I've had BC twice, in 2005 and 2007. My 2007 tumor was a new primary, meaning that it didn't come from the 2005 tumor. I didn't want you guys to look at my stats and think, "Well, chemo didn't work for her."

That clarified, I'm here to tell you that you are right in the middle of the worst part of all this. Waiting for treatment to begin is horrible. Actually going through chemo is easier. I know that doesn't make sense, but I swear that it's true.

The night before my 2005 mastectomy, we had a terrible storm. I saw a big tree across the street rooted firmly in place but with its branches whipping in all directions. That's exactly how I felt. Frozen in place, yet frantic with fear.

No one in their right mind would volunteer for this. But it does get better. Lots, LOTS better. You just put your head down and plow through, one plodding step at a time. Pretty soon, you'll look up and realize you're on the other side. And then you start to heal.

--CindyMN

WOoooooo - Violet, awesome news about the pet scan!!! 

I totally agree with Cindy -it does get better!  Let us know how you're doing when you have a chance.