morbid thought

Options
Fitztwins
Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969

If I die at home, won't that be to hard on my boys, like..when the body is removed??? For some reason this is stuck in my mind.

«1

Comments

  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited November 2009

    This troubles me too-to such an extenet, that it's one of the reasons that I've decided to spend my last days in hospice. My kids are older than your's, so really my focus is on my husband. The thought of him trying to peice his life back together in the house in which I died, will, I think, be too hard. I'm imagining (hoping?), that when we reach the final few days, it won't be too important for me where I'll be-am hoping more that the pain will be sufficiently controlled, and that I won't be too out of things,so that I still have some moments of awareness, Overall, I think that by not dying at home, it's the last act of love I can do for my family. At the moment, they still feel that I should be at home for the duration.....but I don't think I'll have to work too hard at persuading them otherwise.

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited November 2009

    Me too, I have arranged to go into hospice off site from home.

  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited November 2009

    Thank you. I want my home to be happy memories for my children.

  • pookie61
    pookie61 Member Posts: 257
    edited November 2009

    I am still thinking hard on this one.  My husband really wants me to stay at home if possible. I would like to be at home as long as it remains a fairly positive experience.  If I can still enjoy the company of family and friends, then I would like to be at home.  But if I start to feel like I am in too much pain or insecure at home, then I would like to go elsewhere.  Also, if my husband starts to feel like it is too much for everyone, then we have discussed this and I have given him permission to move me if I can't decide.

    I am realizing that the decision doesn't have to be set in stone.  It can be changed.  Another problem for me is that in my area there are no hospices that are residential.  They are all set up for you to be at home.  I am looking into hospital or nursing home coverage.

    For those in other countries, I think better arrangements exist for hospice outside of the home.  In terms of my kids and the effect of dying on them, I am still deciding.   I have read and talked to people whose loved ones died at home, and it was not a horrible experience for the children.  Since my kids are teens maybe it would not be so horrible, and they might not be so terrified about death themselves. 

    Very hard decisions. 

  • jansdaughter
    jansdaughter Member Posts: 265
    edited November 2009

    Janis, My mother died at home.  My 7 yr old niece was there as well.  The hospice people shut the door to mom's room.  The family waited in another room.  We didn't see her again until the funeral home.  It is going to be hard on your children no matter how old they are, whether you are at home or someplace else.  That's just my opinion.  Dianne

  • Dee2810
    Dee2810 Member Posts: 97
    edited November 2009

    Hi I too have opted for a hospice when the time comes. Equally dont want my daughter have those memories here at home. Also have it on good authority that the staff in a hospice will look after friends and family really well. Fitz I think it's a good idea to get all of that out and arranged... then you can get on with life.... my girlie has made it clear,, no cremation... she wants a woodland burial and she's ok.... not really appropriate term! with hospice idea.. Crikey writing about this so 'factually' but in reality we've had a horrible scarey time of late..oops! here come some tearies!!

    Hugs Dee (0:xxx 

  • Member_of_the_Club
    Member_of_the_Club Member Posts: 3,646
    edited November 2009

    When my mother died in her apartment, I called hospice, of course, and then I called her synagogue to start making arrangements for the funeral.  The woman at the synagogue told me not to watch them remove my mother from her apartment.  She said its traumatic.  This hadn't occurred to me but I was grateful for the advice.  I stayed in another room while it was happening.  Keep in mind, that part of it is only a few minutes and family members -- ALL family members, can easily stay in a room with a closed door and avoid it.  The real question is the process of dying.  I think when the time comes the hospice folks will be very well placed to advise you on this.  My guess is that they will say it is OK for your kids to be there, might even be healthy for them.  But they have tons of experience with this, and this is exactly the sort of thing they are great with.  

  • Duffymom
    Duffymom Member Posts: 179
    edited November 2009

    I used to think I didn't want to die at home for the very reason you mention.  Now I think I do with hospice coming to my home.  This way it won't be a burden for my family to come and visit me or feel obligated to take the time to do so.  It will be easier if I'm home.  True, don't have family around when the body is removed.  A friend of ours died at home from liver cancer and her husband was troubled as he started to watch her body being zipped up in a bag and carried out the door.  An image I'm sure he'll never forget.  This is a choice each person needs to make themselves.  Fitz, you've really been thinking a lot about making plans lately.  A good thing to do, make decisions while you are able.  Hard to do though!

  • Member_of_the_Club
    Member_of_the_Club Member Posts: 3,646
    edited November 2009

    A few hours before my mother died the hospice nurse suggested I bring my children to her apartment to say goodbye.  My ten year old son is on the autistic spectrum and i thought he would have a tough time processing the images because his mind can get stuck, so I knew I shouldn't bring him.  The issue was my 13 year old daughter.  At this point my mom looked awful in a way that I believe is particular to brain cancer and I tried to imagine how I would have felt as a 13 year old and told the nurse I didn't think it was a good idea.  She had a lot of information about how kids handle this sort of thing and said that she may be upset that she didn't get to say goodbye.  Sure enough, she told me after my mother died that she was upset she didn't say goodbye.  So I might have made a mistake there.  The point is that the hospice folks know what they are talking about and i think that when you have to make such a decision, talking to them about your particular family members and what would be best for them and for you would be very helpful.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2009

    (((Fitz)))

    I hate that this has become something you even NEED to consider.  I feel so helpless in the face of this beast, that someone so young and full of life like yourself even needs to contemplate this shitty decision.  You are my friend and I wish I could say something brilliantly helpful. 

    I know I'm not Stage IV but I will keep posting my good thoughts to my friends who are Stage IV, until such time as I am asked individually to stop.  I believe that's what these boards are partially all about.

    Hugs

    Peggy

    Edited to add:  Fitz, was not talking about you not wanting me to post because I'm not Stage IV...it was a general comment only.

  • 33skidoo
    33skidoo Member Posts: 1,029
    edited November 2009

    I've been thinking about this on and off since I first got my stage IV diagnosis.  I still haven't made up my mind.  I'm leaning toward going into in-patient hospice once I get bedridden.

  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited November 2009

    Thank you for the information on the removal of the body. I will talk to my DH about that. He HATES when I talk about it, but it is easier to do it know.

    I have a hospice place picked out, It allows pets. I was thinking I could have my little dog with me...

    Thank you all for the insight.

  • neesie
    neesie Member Posts: 1,924
    edited November 2009

    Hi Janis,

    I'm not a stage 4.......but I am a Michigander and have met you at a luncheon.  Not so sure I should be posting here so I'll PM you!

    Nessie  (Denise)

  • ead
    ead Member Posts: 686
    edited November 2009

    Hi Fitz, yes I was also thinking of that. I do not think at this moment that I want to die at home. It would be too hard on my daughter. I think.

    Liz

  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited November 2009

    I am planning to die at home, but my worry has not been about what mental impression it will leave, but on the fact that the corner between the hall and bedroom is too tight to get a stretcher through.  I don't know why I'm worried.  I keep telling this to DH and my sons (adults) and they reassure me that they can carry my body without a stretcher. 

    Fitz, I don't know if it will be traumatic on your boys or not.  I do know that the human race has been doing this for a long, long time, mostly without long term emotional trauma.  It really depends on what your boys know to expect, and if you've talked about it with them.  I feel for the issues you younger moms face with your children.  I'm lucky that my children are grown up and we are able to talk about these things.  I don't think it will be nearly so hard on grandchildren, even though we are close.

  • chainsawz
    chainsawz Member Posts: 3,473
    edited November 2009

    Fitz - I hate that we even have to think about this at all :<  I have been talking with my family about this exact thing.  I do not want them to picture the chair I died in, or the room, or the bed.  I have told them I want to die in a hospice and that when the time comes I hopefully won't know where I am anyway so it won't matter to me.  I just want someone to find a cure for this crap so we can plan our retirements and not this stuff.  Hugs to you....lisa

  • getwell
    getwell Member Posts: 535
    edited November 2009

    Hey Girls,

             Yes, the whole idea that we even have to think about this sucks. I think I want to die at home but I am concerned that my family will have a hard time erasing the images of my death. Just in case, I recently bought a pretty new comforter and painted one wall in my room dark red!!! If I spend my final days there i want to have pretty surrroundings. WOW! i gotta go have some chocolate cookies and get this off my mind.

    Love and Hugz,

    Pat

  • Member_of_the_Club
    Member_of_the_Club Member Posts: 3,646
    edited November 2009

    Analemma, the stretcher they use is narrower than the one used in hospitals and ambulances.  I had the same concern with my Mom's apartment and it wasn't a problem at all.

  • pattih
    pattih Member Posts: 631
    edited November 2009

    When I was first diagnosed with mets to the liver I told DH I did not want to die in the house. I thought it would be too hard on the boys. (now 10 and 6) I think that I could start hospice in the house but finish it elsewhere. Father in law is currently on in-home hospice and the boys go to visit with him. They talk for a few minutes then go play. I think it is good for everyone they can see each other without the scariness of the hospital.

  • KiwiKate
    KiwiKate Member Posts: 11
    edited March 2011

    Hi everybody

    I am so sorry you have to think about this.  I thought I would drop a post as my mum died 2 months ago of breast cancer.  She died unexpectantly at home in her & dad's bed.  She had had a really busy day the day before- vitamin c, visited me at my home, hair salon then at home to have a swim in the pool.  (dad driving).  The next day she was so tired so she told dad she just wanted to rest in bed.  He lay on the bed with her around dinner time, but by 9pm when he tried to wake her up for dinner he couldn't.  She just looked so peaceful.  My brother, sister and I all came around to their home immediately and sobbed & howled our hearts out.  Man, it really really hurt!!  I guess we were lucky in a way that mum didn't suffer too much and it was so peaceful.

    I don't really think about mum dying in their bedroom when I visit now.  I am not haunted by it. Infact, the most ghastly part is seeing all her clothes, shoes, cosmetics etc everywhere and she is not there.  When she had passed away it really just looked like she was sleeping so didn't really haunt me at all.  I am more sad when I go over that she isn't there and to see dad so heart broken and so lonely in this big house.
    We got mum back at the house for about 4 days before the funeral, with open casket.  That really helped our grieving as we could talk and be with her.  Infact, I bawled & bawled when we had to take her to the funeral as I knew now she wouldn';t be coming back.

    My main regret is the oncologist not telling our family how worried he was about her that she had not responded as well as what he had hoped to the radiation- we thought she had more time.  I wish I had been with her that day and not at work!  So make sure your family spend as much time as possible with you! 

    Overall dad said mum always wanted to be at home with her family.  Well, at least she was at home with dad in her arms.

    Bless you all,

    Kate

    PS we weren't there when they took the body away or anything like that. (that would have been too hard!)

  • She
    She Member Posts: 503
    edited March 2011

    I've personally experienced the loss of a loved one at home.  When the funeral home people come to take the departed away they ask all family members to leave the room as they make their preparations.  They ask to have a clear exit path so the family does not witness the removal.

    When the last days are filled with love, the love remains.  For me the presence and the love remained for many years, until I moved.  It was a great comfort for me.

    In planning and preparing for this remember you can always change your plans as life and family change and grow.  It isn't morbid to think or talk about.  It is an act of love to consider the feelings and reactions of those so close to your heart.  It is a selfless act to put their wishes ahead of your own and make plans when you are fully able to.

    I'm not IV but have been here at BCO, and on this journey a long time.  I have always admired and appreciated your frankness and practicality.

  • Annie62
    Annie62 Member Posts: 1,081
    edited March 2011

    I've experienced, close famly members dyng at home or at the hospital.At home it was either quicky (they died in their sleep)or after a pro-tracted illness,  and at the hospital  - either unexpectedly and quickly or after a few days. . As an adult, I can say that having a death in the home is preferred. It gave me a sense of comfort that I could help after a protracted illness and they had morphine for pain. As for the sudden death - as awful as they were, I was happy the the person who died was in the comfort of their home until the end.

     As a child,in the home,  I have only experienced the unexpected death of an elderly grandparent. Eventually I got that room as my bedroom and I have no lasting effects (or so I think). Alright, my parents were't total ogres. Nana died when I was 4. They used her room as theirs for 1-2 years and then moved my bro and me in. I realize now that they wanted that buffer period. I was sent to the neighbor the day she passed. I didn't see anything. Maybe if I had been the one to find her I would feel differently. And most importantly, if it was my parent and I was a kid, I'm not sure if I wold prefer home or hospital. But I thought I'd post for the adult posters and the grandmoms.

    My plan is, unless they really can't care for me, I want to be home. But I'm practical. If that's not working, I'll have them move me. I confesss I like the idea of my daugher coming hom from school and stopping in to tell me about her day before she does her homework.

     After my dad died at home, hospice made sure we had time with him for final goodbyes and then we left the room for them to do what they do. When they removed the body, my sister and I took my mom to another area of the home so she didn't have to see that. He had a hospital bed, so that was removed and her room put in order after the services. She slept in another room for about 6 months and then moved back. Hospice and funeral home were really sensitive to us.

     Hope I haven't rambled too much. This is on my mind lately. Warm thoughts to all who are making these decisions.

    Annie

  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited April 2011

    you know...i guess i'll talk with the kiddies when the time comes.  All our parents and siblings have died at home with hospice and it was very comfortable.. kind of a big party... for us at least.  We talked, sang, prayed.. ate... waited.

  • Enjoyful
    Enjoyful Member Posts: 3,591
    edited April 2011

    I wonder how difficult it is for the caregivers?  To change bedclothes and administer pain meds, etc.?  I've already told my family I want to be at a hospice facility when the time comes so they don't have to do those things.  It seems like a lot to ask, especially when people have school and work.  Am I off the mark here?

  • kira1234
    kira1234 Member Posts: 3,091
    edited April 2011

    I was there for my mom to give the pain meds. It was not hard to administer the meds, but will say it does require someone willing to stay with you and give as needed. I am so glad I was able to be there for my mom.

    The plan was the same for dad, but then chemo got in the way. My dad put himself into the hospice home knowing I wouldn't be able to do it. I am sad he had to be there at the end, but at the same time I know there is no way i was up to caring for him while in chemo myself. I will always thank him for the love he showed me at the end.

  • mamanmidwife
    mamanmidwife Member Posts: 689
    edited April 2011

    when my aunts  (3 that i remeber, 2 in new york, 1 in florida) were on home hospice, they had home health attendants to do all the actual caretaking (both times these women became part of our families they were so present). the visiting hospice nurse came every day, and were there when the passing was happening. so the family didn't have to do anything they didn't feel comfortable doing and the women got to be in their homes with all their families (we have a large one) who were available @ their bedside.

  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2011

    This subject has been on my mind a lot. I might continue on my earlier decsion to go away to die. I am a single mom of a 17 year old and she was relieved when I told her she would not come home and find me dead.

  • hydeskate
    hydeskate Member Posts: 297
    edited May 2011

    My mom had Stage IV ovarian cancer and when the time came we thought she would pass in the hostpital.  I got the call and drove 2 hours home, while my cousin was flying red eye from Californa when we got to the hospital and she heard are voices and suddenly she was wide awake, next morning she wanted to be home.  The offered hospice but she wasn't going she wanted to at HOME NOW lucky me and my sister had enough leave both of took off work for about a month.   A nurse would visit but it was my sister and I with the help of one of her brothers and a sister in law that did most of the work. 

    She is from a very large family as is my dad, so family was visiting and sat with her, talking about the good ole days, she hung on until everyone had a chance to say goodbye.  It was after her sister flew from from Idaho and she had her favorite ice cream (her last meal) that she was really gone.  Her body was there but her mind wasn't, it was hard for me and my sister we had to make decisions that her sisters didn't agree with, we actaully locked them out a few times.  She passed a few days later in the arms of her brother at 2am.

    Yes it was hard but it brought the family together bridges that had been burned or strained relationships where mended as relatives hung out in the family room waiting to visit.  We actually had to place one of our younger cousins as the bouncer/security.  It also brought me and my sister closest to the fact we actually live together, before we couldn't even be in the same room. 

    Just this past Thanksgiving we lost our 16 year old cousin to ALS she was very to my mom and stubborn like her and wanted to be at home with family.  In fact her mother died at home in our family neighborhood when she was 24 twelve years earlier.  

    I guess you could say its hard but I see as closing a chapter and being surround by family and friends. 
  • Maybe484
    Maybe484 Member Posts: 170
    edited May 2011

    Of course everyone reacts differently, but my mother and I were glad that my father was able to die at home.  It was his wish, and his last day was in the home they bought before I was born.  It was lovely, really, and when I think about it when I'm in that house, it makes that house mean even more to me.  His death was not an easy one--he was in a good deal of agony and had been in hospice care for months--but I think it was easier for him and even for my mother and me because we were in our home.

  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 391
    edited October 2011

    Dying at home doesn't give people bad memories it gives them the honor and ultimate selfless act of love and acceptance for the person dying and the family and friends. The overwhelming love one feels for their dying family member surpasses material objects and physical locations. It is the memories and feelings in the heart for their family member that remain strong.

Categories