"its not good news"

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littlebird75
littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
edited January 2016 in Just Diagnosed
its nothing


september 11, 2009
my Doctor's voice "its not good news"
i'll be right there, i said before breaking down into tears

stinging tears of reality
of un-reality
and a flash of black
the same black from the ultra-sound screen
the same black
i knew then "it's not good news"

my optimism hadn't paid off
its nothing, i told my Husband
mention it, He said
i will
and i did expecting, its nothing
instead getting orders for
mammogram, ultra-sound
are you f$$king kidding? i said to myself
what happened to, its nothing

i went
and waited for, its nothing
it didn't come
only fear
fear that turned my insides out
when i saw black on the ultra-sound screen
i kept looking
eyes glued to the screen
and realizing
"its not good news"
was staring me in the face

We'll fit you in
biopsy to follow
the fear
same day merely turned me more to jello
alone
i laid on the cold bed
with England
and a needle gun
and tried again to see, its nothing
on the screen
but it wasn't there
i had to turn away

and wait

"it's not good news"
i called my Husband
we went to gather the
"it's not good news" together
i didn't cry

till five days later
when i begged him to tell me
tell me You're scared too
tell me

but he wouldn't

He says
this is who I am
I am here
I will not burden you with Myself
even though that is all i want

days pass
MRI, genetic testing
phone calls out my ass
to Friends
to Family
with questions i can't answer

i decide
to expect
the worst
its nothing
wasn't working
for me

they will take both
i will not be me anymore
just some masquerade
something not me
pretending to be me

and i cried
screamed
shook
and in public i smiled the pretend smile of,
its nothing

and somehow, its nothing it found me
in a f$$ked up sort of way
i got the best case scenario of the worst case scenario
as my Daughter put it

and I get to keep them
just not all of them

and I will struggle
and I will lose My hair
and I will live
and it will be,
Nothing.

And Everything.

_____________________

My name is Cindy. I'm 34, married and a mother of two teenagers. I have learned I have breast cancer in September 2009. I wrote the poem above after learning a 2nd area found on the original MRI was negative for cancer, making me a candidate for lumpectomy rather than a masectomy. I just wanted to share my thoughts leading to that moment with the people here on the board.

Waiting for surgery is not nearly as painful as waiting for the final diagnosis! I know there are so many people going through the same thing. I felt selfish for my tears, but I know now that it's ok to cry if you feel like crying, its ok to be still if you feel like being still, its ok just to keep putting one foot in front of the other if that's all you can bear in that moment.

I'm sure as surgery, chemo and radiation begin I'll be looking here for insight and connection from others who've been there.

We are not in this alone.

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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited October 2009

    Thank you Cindy, your poem is wonderful. Good luck and we are here for you! In sisterhood, xo

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited October 2009

    Cindy I was exactly where you are now...only 2 years ago.

    Please believe me things will get better. This first part is the worst, but you will get your life back.I promise, its a long road but keep telling yourself all the treatment ect will be over one day. I promise. Come here for support or any questions. You might want to join a treatment group on the board when you start your chemo. You will be with other woman going through it the same time.

    Be gentle with yourself and get better.

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited October 2009

    Cindy, Welcome to the club nobody wants to join!....It is true--- it does get better......I am almost 3 years out and feel great......The waiting IS the worst of it all......But that too shall pass.......You may lose your hair but you your hair does not define who you are.....What defines who you are is on the inside and NOTHING can take that away unless you let it.....Don't let it!.....You are stonger than you realize.....You will come out on the other side even stronger.......Being Her2 NEG is a good thing....It means your cancer is less aggressive......And easier to treat........Not that chemo is ever easy.......My prayer for you today is that you find calmness and clarity....That all your needs are met and all your wants are granted.......Good luck, Cindy, and please keep us posted........

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2009

    CIndy, the other posters said it well - you are not alone and it does get easier.  This board is wonderful!  Full of women just like you - and also full of great information.  I live on Bainbridge Island. I realize you are a bit north of Seattle, however there is a great group of Washington women on the Crazy, Sexy cancer in Seattle thread which you will find under the chemotherapy forum.  Most of us get treatment in Seattle,but some in other parts of the state.

    As Hollyann said "welcome to the club".

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  • mommy2two
    mommy2two Member Posts: 130
    edited October 2009

    That was a great poem Cindy!  I am also 34 and was diagnosed on 8/11.  We all know how you feel and it's important for you to realize that you never have to be alone on this journey.  I will be praying for you and wish you the best of luck...keep us updated.

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  • chumfry
    chumfry Member Posts: 642
    edited October 2009

    I'm another Cindy. Sadly, while I can appreciate poetry, I can't write it. I liked yours a lot! :D

    You are right in that this experience will change you. I think any strong experience changes us. But it doesn't make you less you. In fact, I think these types of experiences intensify who you are. Like the fire in the crucible that burns away the non-essential, leaving the pure essence. This is what happens to people who have to walk through the fire.

    We are your singed sisters. We will walk through the fire together.

    --CindyMN

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  • rreynolds1
    rreynolds1 Member Posts: 450
    edited October 2009

    LittleBird,

    Your poem reflects the universal horror that breast cancer is when we have no answers and no control.  Odd as it seems, I have found myself again through my experience of handling cancer.  Yes, I count.  Yes, I am valuable.  I am more than someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's employer, ect.  I feel, I love and I fear.  I don't control everything and I can't fix everything.  I surrender.  That's when my real power began.

     Keep writing and sharing.  You are very talented.

    Roseann

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  • angie27
    angie27 Member Posts: 863
    edited October 2009
    I love your poem, and I wanted to share with you what I wrote, when I was in chemo.

    The Dark Side

    There is a world

    I did not know

    the world of Cancer

    'Don't you know"

    Cry

    It was hard for me to cope

    with the outside world

    you know, in my covers

    I will hide

    with the pain so deep inside

    Sealed

    Days of darkness

    come and go

    its temporarily, "don't you know"

    Cool

    People stare, and look at me

    I'm not different

    "Don't you know"

    Surprised

    In this world you turn so pale

    as your hair fades away

    and you wish it will return

    to feel normal once again

    YellInnocent

    Yes, its weir, I must say

    enjoy life, as is today

    in case tomorrow never comes

    and is this world, I dont want you know.

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited November 2009

    Thanks for all the words of encouragement and sharing your stories as well. I've been doing much better emotionally and had a lumpectomy and sentinal node removal on October 28th 2009. I'm experiencing pain that seems to be getting worse and found some informaiton on the boards here...Thank goodness for shared experiences and online disucssion boards! I wanted to share some more of my recent writing and thought I would just continue on this post.

    War

    Shades of mottled
    Blue
    Yellow
    Red
    Like a battle field
    Adorn my chest.

    I examine the colors
    Cupping my breasts
    In each hand

    Searching for the words
    To describe
    This War.

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  • cheers247
    cheers247 Member Posts: 270
    edited November 2009

    Hi Cindy, I'm Jessica.  I live in WA too, and am 34, and have a teenage son.  There is a group called Crazy, Sexy Cancer in Seattle on this site, and we'd love to have you, there are many women from WA, not just Seattle, and we have get-togethers sometimes.  I hope you are doing well, I love your poem!   Much Love, Jessica

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  • maggie14
    maggie14 Member Posts: 26
    edited November 2009

    Hi Cindy, I've just been diagnosed and am facing tests tomorrow and all next week.  Would you mind if I quote you on my own blog, for my friends and family so far away that they really don't get what I'm going through?  Its as if you wrote my exact story, this poem you crafted so thoughtfully.  I am not too scared until I look into my two boys' eyes (6 and 10)...they're worried for me and scared about what they hear over the phone --over and over again--well meaning relatives could read and email more thoughtfully crafted responses, I'm hoping. 

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  • covertanjou
    covertanjou Member Posts: 569
    edited November 2009

    Cindy & Angie,

    Your poems made me cry.  All three touched me deeply.  Thank you for sharing your beautiful poems with us.

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited October 2015

    Maggie14 - of course. I am happy to have you share the poem. A few people I work with have said its been helpful for them to better understand through those words....Please just make sure you include my name as the author.

    I understand that "scared" feeling - not for myself but for my kids, my husband, my friends.

    At 4:45 p.m. today I go see my surgeon for the pathology report from my lumpectomy and sentinal node removal. The waiting is making me crazy. I feel like this is the last "news" I will need to wait for for a while - THEN treatment can begin.

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  • cbm
    cbm Member Posts: 475
    edited November 2009

    Cindy, I loved your poem; it captures the moments and the little things you remember about that day. Thanks a lot for sharing it.

    My radiologist had to call me with the diagnosis and I remember he said, "Well as we expected, it is cancer."  As who expected? 

    I hope things go well for you this afternoon.

    Warmest,

    Cathy

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited November 2009

    Cathy - Thank you for sharing that quote from your radiologist. I don't know if those in the medical profession realize how we will probably ALWAYS remember every single word they use in those first few moments.

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  • maggie14
    maggie14 Member Posts: 26
    edited November 2009
    Thanks Cindy for the permission to share your poem...as for technician's words, it would be nice to remember them, but for me they're all in French--I wish I could understand what they're saying! Today's tests were a breeze--scintigraphy and X rays...now the waiting continues...AGAIN!
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2009

    Cindy,

    wow, your poem is fantastic!  Captures the way our emotions and feelings and denial all run up and down as we deal with each blow.

    Your diagnosis is the same as mine - I was diagnosed on Valentines Day of this year, choosing to go alone to the doctor's office, "because it was nothing."  My surgeon turned to me, took my hands and said, 'I'm afraid it's bad news."  I have gone through the lumpectomy, SNB - both great, chemo (not so great), rads (easy peasy), losing my hair (terrible), growing new hair (love it!) and getting better, staying well and strong. 

    Good luck on your results - I hope it is for clear margins and no node involvement.  Are you also doing an Oncotype test? 

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited December 2009

    chelev - yesterday's pathology was great news - no node involvment, clear margins, and the mass was smaller than originally thought - 2.6 c.m. by 2.6 c.m. which means Stage II rather than Stage III as I was told at the end of October.

    I use my iPhone to record every appointment so I can review what the dr. said and wrap my brain around all the medical details. 

    I meet with the oncologist on the 16th of November to find out what chemo and radiation will look like. I have not heard of an "Oncotype" test. What is that? 

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  • spar2
    spar2 Member Posts: 6,827
    edited November 2009

    littlebird75, loved your poems and glad you got good news from path, no node involment is always great, clear margins is great.  Let us know about the chemo and rads.  I did chemo but chose not to do rads.  I am over 5 years out now and feel good, a new normal good, not the old good.  God bless.

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited November 2009

    Chemo 1 time every 4 weeks for 4 sessions and 6 week of radiation. I start chemo on Friday.

    *update* Taxotere and Cytoxan will be used. 

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  • cheers247
    cheers247 Member Posts: 270
    edited November 2009

    Hi Cindy, I'll be thinking about you when on Friday!  XOXO

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited November 2009

    No Words

    We put on the newly washed sheets
    together
    and climb into bed
    He wraps himself
    over
    into
    around
    Me

    Tears come
    and I can't tell if
    I'm holding Him
    or
    He's holding Me.

    November 23, 2009

    Cindy Scillo

    Just another moment I felt compelled to capture. Any other women have a hard time having the significant other in your life share their emotions through this?

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  • Psalm121
    Psalm121 Member Posts: 238
    edited December 2009

    LittleBird,

    Your poems are absolutey beautiful!! You could surely publish!!!  You express in your poems so very eloquently my thoughts and feelings...especially when it comes to my husband and son.  I am inspired to begin that journal my sister gave me....not with poems, mind you!!  But thoughts and feelings in my own way...rambling, as you can see!!  Thanks so much, and Happy Thanksgiving!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!  Shari

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited December 2009
    Brown


    Choked with tears
    the fingers in my hair came away
    filled with precious strands of brown.


    Today it is.


    "mom fix this
    make it better for me."


    I sat frozen while she gently removed
    each precious strand
    my green eyes trembled,
    tears unwilling to fall from my closed eyelids.


    - Cindy Scillo

    December 4, 2009 - 13 days afer first chemo.

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  • rreynolds1
    rreynolds1 Member Posts: 450
    edited December 2009

    Hi Cindy,

    I have a thought.  I am sure you will continue your poetry throughout your treatment.  Cancer can't have your creativity!  Why not save them and compile them in a book.  They are so real and can help a lot of women. 

    Roseann

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  • navygirl
    navygirl Member Posts: 886
    edited December 2009

    These are amazing. What a wonderful gift for you and us - to be able to express it this way. It brougth tears to my eyes.

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited December 2009

    He sees me still

    Circumstances keep us apart
    Me in the hospital
    Greeting new faces every twelve hours
    for six days
    Him home sick unable to come.

    Fate would have it
    day thirteen comes while I am away
    He isn't there to see me
    on the Most Dreaded Day.

    I leave this place
    a woman changed, different though the same

    Anticipating his arrival
    I forget myself
    I shop for dinner amongst strangers
    that won't know the difference
    nor care.

    Driving home though
    my breath begins to catch in my throat
    panic and fear strangling me
    What is this changes everything?
    What happens if he looks at me
    and can't see ME any more?

    Dried tears on my lashes
    I turn to greet him at the door
    His hair is gone too and he sees me still
    and he holds me tight
    while we cry together.


    Cindy Scillo
    December 5, 2009    15 days after first chemo

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited December 2009

    A man

    I got to know a man
    I'd never met today.

    I listened to his children talk
    about his hats and fanny pack
    cigars and cards
    love and laughter.

    It's just a shame it took his passing
    before I had the chance to know
    my father-in-law.

    December 12, 2009
    My husband's father passed away while I was in the hospital. The two of them hadn't spoken in over a decade and I had never met the man. This has been a very interesting day.

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  • littlebird75
    littlebird75 Member Posts: 120
    edited January 2010
    Loss


    The nurse is talking in hushed tones
    as if she's telling a secret
    though I'm sure she's told a thousand more like me

    too quickly
    as if I surely know
    as if this is old news
    and we must move on
    to more pressing matters

    Infertility

    the word drops so innocently from her lips

    I catch my breath
    remove my glasses
    wipe my eyes
    and ask her to stop


    long enough
    for the sound
    of that door slamming
    to stop ringing in my ears

    who might you have been?
    my little girl
    my youngest of three
    that I've been waiting for?

    Written tonight while reflecting on the "infertility" side effect of chemo and the impact the information had on me when I heard the word from the nurse's lips. Twenty years ago I dreamed a dream. I met my 3 children - a girl, a boy and a girl. I have a daughter and a son. My treatment has forced me to say goodbye to a child I will never bear. I grieve. 

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  • MLSMLS
    MLSMLS Member Posts: 5
    edited January 2010

    Cindy, thank you for verbalizing what many of us are feeling and did not quite know how to say.

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