Dear Life...

I wrote this on Oct, 29th the day I found out I had breast cancer.  My surgery is set for Nov. 12th.

Dear Life,

I wish I could say that you've been mean and cruel towards me just because you could be. But I can't say that and it be true.

You are a teacher and it's been up to me to learn from each lesson. And when I failed, like a good teacher you would teach me the lesson again until I got it right.  I'll admit there have been times I wasn't sure I even wanted you anymore.  Because I seen some of your lessons as too harsh and or cruel, to the point they hurt my very soul.

From the heartbreak of losing so many unborn babies, I learned to allow myself to be the Mommy I always knew I could be.  And from the joy of motherhood, I got to experience the meaning of true love in its purest form.

Because of the abuse from my childhood.  I learned the real meaning of compassion, understanding and patience.  This gave me the ability to teach and raise my daughter with kindness and love and stop the cycle of abuse.

When I would fall and hurt my pride, you taught me humility, and not to allow my hurt pride to stop me from asking my friends and family for help.  This lesson reminds me daily that charity truly does start at home.  This enabled me to help my family and friends when they fall.

But as you already know the hardest lesson I had to learn was to let go of the hate and mistrust that I had held onto all of my adult life.  The hate I had held onto came from my hatred I felt towards the abuse and the abusers from my past.  My mistrust was from having the people who said they loved me turn a blind eye to the abuse.  So I used my hate and mistrust as a shield to protect myself from getting hurt again.  But instead of them protecting me they became weapons and hurt the people I loved, including myself.

I was only able to let go of this hate and mistrust, because I allowed myself to feel God's love.  It was God's love.  It was God's love for me and my faith in him that freed me from my past and all the pain it brought.  Letting go wasn't easy, I was scared to allow anyone to get too close, afraid of getting hurt yet again.  But I knew with God's love I would have the strength and courage needed to let it all go.

You have tested my faith but it has never faulted or waivered, once I truly let go and let God. And right now you are testing me again.  But I know without a doubt that God will see me through this as well.  He will give me all the strength and courage I'll need.  Because I also have him and there is nothing stronger, not even this cancer.

So thank you life for your continued lessons, I am still here and I'm still learning.

Forever God's Child,

Marilyn