I just want to forget

Racquel · November 2009

Is this normal? I don't want to wear pink, I don't want to support stuff, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to keep giving updates to concerned people ... I just want to forget.

I cry for no apparent reason. I've got the greatest DF in the world. He said he doesn't see the scars and he thinks I'm pretty even bald. But there's time I just start to cry and can't tell him why. He gives me a hug and tells me it's all ok.

I had my BLM June 4th. Then I started chemo. I look in the mirror now and don't see the person I used to be. I've put on so much weight that nothing fits. Literally, I've got a single pair of jeans. I used to have long red hair. These tissue expanders make me look fake. The chemo pushed me into menopause. I just get really depressed sometimes.

Little things make me cry. Last week there was something on the news and I just sat there in tears. DF tries to understand. Friends try to understand. But nobody will feel this way unless they've been there. I told DF that when I hear things about BC I go back to that day in May when we sat in the docs office. I relive it all over again. I hear that doc telling me I've got cancer. I can still see DF sitting there crying. Tell me this goes away with time. Frown Just sitting here typing this I'm in tears again. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to crack up. I close my eyes and I am right there again. And then to live with the fear that it'll come back somewhere else someday. I don't want to go through this ever again.

October is just a bad month. I lost a bf a long time ago to suicide. I lost my uncle four years ago to suicide. His 48th b-day would've been the 30th. He was more like a brother. I turned 40 on the 30th. And then it's BC month on top of it. Add to it that there's a reminder every time I pop that little pill daily.

I just want to forget.

hollyann · November 2009

Gentle hugs, Racquel.....I am so sorry for your losses....A friend of mine recently passed from bc the day after her birthday last month.....You are describing me almost 3 years ago......I didn't want to think about it or deal with it....I was depressed and nothing my DH or DD said would help.....I had just lost my sister Charity a few months before to bc and my sister Fran had been diagnosed the month before that.....Thankfully Fran and I both are doing well now.......Talk to your doctor and get on anti depressants....Xanax works wonders for the short term but for the long term I use Lexapro......You sound severely depressed and it is normal......It is normal to cry for no reason...You actually have a reason like you said....Every time you look in the mirror.....Believe it or not though it DOES et better......You are very new to this journey and I am sorry you had to join us, but one day you will be telling your story to a newbie like yourself and know you have come a long way....You will start to feel betterand have a new normal.....You won't ever be the same person you were before...No one ever is but you will be the same inside....At least I feel the same inside....Outside I have huge scars from my bi lat masts and TRAM recon.......I have fake boobs and a flat tummy but at a very high cost.....Only those of us who have been there understand what you feel.......It is ok to feel the way you do.....I just want to validate those feelings cause you need them validated.....Don't let anyone tell you differently........i wish I could forget sometimes, but then again I feel if I forget then if it ever comes back I will be terrified all over again.....I don't want that for myself...I want to be stronger for if it ever comes back....I pray it doesn't but since no one knows how I got it in the first place, then I don't know how to prevent it from coming back......Good luck to you and PM me if like......

Cowgirl13 · November 2009

Racquel, sweetie you are depressed. The good news is that there is help. I would suggest you get evaluated for depression and if indicated (sure sounds like you are) to try an antidepressant. The antidepressant will address you depression--Ativan or Xanex will not deal with depression--they deal with anxiety. It may be that you need both but a physician will determine,

I have had really severe depression and have been helped so much with the antidepressants. I promise you, IT WILL GET BETTER. I have been there and walked in your shoes. Wishing you peace and serenity.

Lizzie

Racquel · November 2009

Thank you for the words of wisdom. On a normal, day-to-day basis I'm not really depressed. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt to prove it. It's only when I read, hear or see something related to cancer. Maybe a trip to the psych is warranted. Think I'll be making that call.

kbeck56 · November 2009

I'm right there with you! Every time I would see a commercial on cancer my 14 yo daughter would look at me and I would be sobbing! I would for no reason at all start crying. My oncologist told me this is perfectly normal for what I was going through. I was diagnosed Jan. 2, 2009 with stage 2 bc and did 16 chemo and 35 radiation treatments. I finished on Oct. 14th and had my port removed on Oct. 21st. I am so done! But I can't get Jan. 2nd out of my mind. I am better when I'm at work. I work at an elementary school. In an ESE class. All I ever think about is if it will come back. My sister is a 9 yr bc survivor. My sister-in-law 2 yrs. and my other sister-in-law is starting to go through treatment for bc. Doesn't look good for my 2 daughters. But we will cross that bridge when and if we come to it. All I can say is thank God for chemicals! I have to take sleeping pills every night but believe it or not I feel better every day. Except for the annoying lump in my throat. I just pray it goes away soon. It all really does get better. You will look back some day and read what you posted and say 'wow, I'm really done with all this!' Good luck!

I just want to forget

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