Have you ever wanted to die?

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Lately everyday think about ending my life.  I cannot concentrate. I am even having a hard time writing this now.  Does anyone else feel that way.

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  • spar2
    spar2 Member Posts: 6,827
    edited October 2009

    Oh gosh cannostopcrying.  Are you just diagnosed?  I know I cried for about a year over ever little thing, even looking at myself in the mirror.  Do you have a friend or family that you can talk to or stay with for awhile.  I know a large portion of us are on antidepressants, that helps a lot.  Please don't do anything rash.  I wish I could just reach out and hold you and let you know that people do care.  This is a good place to come to state your feelings to rant and rave.  Just remember this too shall pass and things do get better.  Please hang in there.  More ladies will be along for support in a bit. No matter where we are at in this disease there are still good days to be had and joy at times in life.  Please talk with someone professional that can help you through this.  God bless you. Sherry

  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited October 2009

    Oh my....

    I so wish I could give you a hug! Please don't do anything to harm yourself. I would strongly suggest talking to your onc or GP about these thoughts and feelings. Anti depressants can help a lot. So many of us are on them to help us.

    The boards are available to connect with woman always. Please hang in there.

    ((((HUG))))

  • baywatcher
    baywatcher Member Posts: 532
    edited October 2009

    I just read your bio. Your dog saved your life. Your dog needs you!!!!

    I have felt what you are feeling now. Please know that it does get better. Maybe not real quick but give it some time. Tell us a little bit about you. We care.

  • sheila888
    sheila888 Member Posts: 25,634
    edited October 2009

    <cannotstopcrying> A group hug was just sent your way.  {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

    Please stay on this board. We really care for our sisters.

    BTW I also am on antidepressant and anxiety meds It wasn't related to BC but I do understand that desperate feeling. Maybe talking to a counselor will help you.

    Sheila

  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited October 2009

    Cannotstopcrying:  Please hang in there.  You are definitely not alone.  I was diagnosed late last Feb, and am just entering my 2nd week of rads.  I too so very often feel what you are feeling.  I think any of us would be lying if we said we did not from time to time.  You can be strong and still suffer moments of sheer despair.  I do - all the time.  I will not let the fear of this horrid disease rob me of what happiness may still be ahead.  I am triple negative and at times absolutely freeze with fear and psychic pain when I really wrap my mind around it - and it's not easy to fight it, but I do and will continue to.  Have faith, things will get easier and will get better.  Anti-depressants may be the crutch you need right now.  Please look into that - there is nothing wrong with taking them.  Actually, they are probably the least harmful things we have to take!  We all care and are here for you.

    Linda 

  • cannotstopcrying
    cannotstopcrying Member Posts: 2
    edited October 2009

    It is easier if you have support I have no one

  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited October 2009

    cannotstopcrying,

    There is a hotline you can call 24 hrs a day and talk to a breast cancer survivor. You can even request to have a "match".Someone with a similar diagnosis.....1-800-221-2141 toll free.

    Talking to someone beside the net, helped me out certain days.

  • desdemona222b
    desdemona222b Member Posts: 776
    edited October 2009

    I'm really sorry you're feeling so desolate.  Praying for you!

  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited October 2009

    ((((cannotstopcrying))))  I was exactly where you are now.  There is a tipping point in our body chemistry that makes everything feel so much worse emotionally.  When we are experiencing this imbalance we are not thinking in a way that will let us get out of the emotional pain.  Instead, our thoughts cycle over and over looking for reasons why we feel so bad. When I was experiencing this, I would feel the worst in the mornings when I woke up.  When it continued for a long time I thought it was really more than I wanted to endure.  REMEMBER:  This is not a permanent condition, and you are not "losing it", even though it feels that way.  Just know that your judgment may not be working so well right now.   Our fears and worries take over, believe me, and sometimes just taking it one minute at a time, focusing on breathing, sipping a hot drink, petting our cat or dog, getting through the next minute, etc. is the best thing to do.  Don't think you have to "solve" anything, just BE!  Give the ol' brain a chance to get out of overdrive.  I saw a counselor, I took an antidepressant, Effexor 75mg, for 10 months.  I got lots of sleep.  I ate well.  I got outdoors more.  I walked. Taking action, any action at all, helped.  However, what helped the most was learning to meditate, to relax, and just let time pass without judging myself harshly or expecting anything in particular to happen or not happen.  I "let go" enough to eventually get past this sad place in my life.

  • OneBadBoob
    OneBadBoob Member Posts: 1,386
    edited October 2009

    Hello Cannotstop--now you are not alone, you have all of us.  Someone is always around here, 24/7 to listen and understand--we have all been there and indeed, it does not last.

    Please speak to your doctor about an anti-depressant and possibly an anti-anxiety drug.  These are wonderful "tools"  to help us get through this difficult journey,

    And you will get through it!

    Give that dog of yours some sloppy  cocker kisses from my also cancer finding dog!  Our fur pals saved our lives--my dog kept digging into my breast and created a blood filled cyst which sent me to the doctor to find my tiny little lump--without her it could have been months before I found it.

    Take some deep breaths, go to the grocery store and pick up something really nice to cook up for that wonderful dog of yours, then take her/him for a nice long walk--we will all be walking right by your side.

    Please tell us more about your diagnosis and where you are in your treatment plan.  Feel free to ask any questions, because someone here will have answers to help you.

    Warm hugs to you!

  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited October 2009

    Call your Onc today and ask for a referral to an Oncology psychiatrist. Do it today. She will be able to help you with meds, connect you with support, listen to you. Please call and tell someone how you are feeling.

    You do not need to go through this alone.  hang in there.

  • Member_of_the_Club
    Member_of_the_Club Member Posts: 3,646
    edited October 2009

    You need to get help right away.  There is treatment for you, you can feel better, but you have to take that step and get help.  I agree with KerryMac, call your onc TODAY and get a referral.  

  • Momcat1962
    Momcat1962 Member Posts: 665
    edited October 2009

    You have everyone here as support. I know that you can't touch us, but we are thinking about you,  caring for you. Have you found a  local support group? Please, talk to your DR's office about one. Message anyone of us at any time. {{{{HUGE BUGE HUGS!}}}}}

  • sheila888
    sheila888 Member Posts: 25,634
    edited October 2009

    Good Morning cannotstopcrying.......I was thinking about you and I wanted to say Hi and see how you are doing. You are not alone we're still here and will be. Are you having a warm day in Chicago? Talk to you little later.

    HUGS

    Sheila

  • AnnaM
    AnnaM Member Posts: 1,387
    edited October 2009

    Pleae do not think what you are feeling is something you can get yourself out of. Your depression is as real as a broken arm would be. You wouldn't let yourself suffer a broken arm without getting help. Please get yourself some help right now. You deserve it. I know it's hard to pick up the phone, but you need to do it. The world would not be the same without you. You matter very much. Everything is hard today, but all you need to think about is the next few minutes. Please come back to us with news. We care for you.

    Love to you.

    Anna

  • Mountains1day
    Mountains1day Member Posts: 102
    edited October 2009

    Dear cannotstopcrying,  Look at that beautiful dog!  Is he/she yours?  I know when I feel down, my 4-legged children seem to know and I don't feel so alone.  May your fur child do the same for you!

  • spar2
    spar2 Member Posts: 6,827
    edited October 2009

    Cannotstopcrying, wanted to check on you this morning and let you know you are being thought of.  We are here for you.  We care.  We will support you.  Big giant hugs. Sherry

  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited October 2009

    Hi -- I understand what you're feeling.  I've felt that way many times -- like, what's the point.  I don't have a husband/partner or children.  Who needs me around? Everyone has their own lives.  It's hard being alone.  Sometimes it's only my cat that keeps me going, she needs me.  I mean that -- my obligation to my cat is sometimes the only thing that keeps me alive.  I don't tell many people this, so here it is out in the open.  And your dog needs you.  I don't say this lightly, I think of our pets as our children, they need and love us. 

    I think getting on an anti-depressant will help calm things down so you then can help yourself.  There's life out there for you to enjoy.  What's waiting just around the corner for you?  Let your curiosity of what's next keep you going.  It really helps me.  The same things that were there before BC are still there waiting for you.

    It is isolating, being dx-ed with mets.  The why me questions, feeling ripped off, kicked down. I know, it's awful.  I have my really dark days.  But now's the time to be absolutely selfish -- what has made you happy before the dx?  Focus on that.  Make plans to do something just for you.  Short term plans.  And something further in the future -- it gives you something to work towards, look forward too.  I don't have a husband or children to anchor me, "just" my cat.  So I make anchors for myself.  These are some of the things I do to cope on my own.  Maybe they might work for you.

    So, first please see someone to get an antidepressant to help with the immediate depression.  Then focus on what you have to live for, things you can plan, give you excitement for the future.  And spoil yourself silly.  You deserve it.  Your dog needs you.  People who enjoy a neighbourly smile from you need you.  Someone in the future you have yet to meet needs you and appreciates you.  You have lots of value in this world.  You get through this if you don't have a support network -- my network is the wonderful women here, the nurses where I get chemo and emails from my sister.  The same women here and your nurses can be your support network.

    Come to this website daily or as often as you can.  There's a forum here for depression -- it really helps knowing there are others in the same boat, that you can help each other.  I can truely call many of the women here friends even if I've never met them.  If I were ever in their hometown I could give them a call and know I'd get a big hug.  Please keep posting here, we're here for you.  Big hugs for you,

    Elizabeth

  • flash
    flash Member Posts: 1,685
    edited October 2009

    You have all of us for support.

    You are an important person in this world. Every time you meet someone, no matter how small a time, you affect them.  We all make a difference for each other in this world.

    I agree, speak with a cancer phsychiatrist. Take some anti-anxiety meds until the anti-depressants can work (they take time to kick in) and then make any decisions after you are back to normal.

    Remember, we are all here for each other.

  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited October 2009

    One more thing that you might want to try.  I often tell my cancer to f-off.  I say ha, you're NOT going to screw things up.  I am going to [fill in the blank] today and enjoy myself.  You, cancer, may have screwed up some things but you're NOT going to screw up everything.  You, cancer, do not exist for me today.  And I do something good for myself and feel like I've won that day.  It's those little victories that make life sweet.  More hugs,

    Elizabeth

  • mke
    mke Member Posts: 584
    edited October 2009

    Yes, at times I've thought it would not be such a bad thing, times when I was really down from treatment and could hardly walk.  I'm still depressed over the abilities and body parts I've lost, but the wanting to be dead passes.

    I agree with the others, you need some help with this.  My radiation oncologist picked up on my depression and made arrangements for me to see a psychiatric social worker for a few sessions.  Then I joined a support group that met weekly for a few months.  It helps.

  • TammyLou
    TammyLou Member Posts: 740
    edited October 2009

    Yes.

     During the year following treatment, my quality of life was so bad and I was in so much pain that I thought we had done a whole lot of work to gain "nothing."

    Cancer diagnosis and treatment is tough.

    When the going gets tough...the tough may need a little help.  (I get by with a little help from my friends...not just a song.)

    For me, the emotional follows the physical.  Sometimes, we are just so beat up that we are more hopeless than hopeful...and yes, I think that there are resources that can help us, but there probably is not a magic cure.

    Recovery can be long and it is hard work and it can be particularly problematic when the rest of the world thinks we should be "happy"...and what we really are is tired.

    "Miss Tammy Lou, in one word or less, please describe cancer patients...."

    "TIRED."

    Cancer patients are tired.

    You are not alone.

    Time and healing and some of the right meds, right care, right counseling....can help you get through this, too.

    Please keep us posted.

    tl 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2009

    (((cannotstopcrying)))

    I think we have all felt that way at one time or another through our ordeals...I agree with the previous posters...GET THEE TO YOUR DOCTOR!  They have help available to you - you just have to reach out.  Your doggy needs you :o)  We are here for you...

    Peggy

  • RobinWendy
    RobinWendy Member Posts: 1,983
    edited October 2009

    I just wrote a long heartfelt response to you, and somehow when I submitted it, it simply disappeared.  So, let me just say this to you.  If you need some one on one support, please PM me.  I am a six year survivor (so far) of stage IV BC and although I got some not terrible but not great news today, I would love to help you in any way I can.  Please take all the wonderful advice given above.  You are not alone.  I hope you can feel the caring.

    Robin 

  • Lowrider54
    Lowrider54 Member Posts: 2,721
    edited October 2009

    The onc's will absolutely write you a scrib for something to control those emotional buckets of tears for no reason.  It take a week or two to kick in but DO GO and ASK...it is there for you.  I haven't cried in,,,hummm...2 days now

  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited October 2009

    Dear sweet sister,   You are not alone!!  Many of us have felt similarly.  Please talk to somebody.  Maybe a friend, or family member.  We are all here to support you!  I felt the same way last winter---offering you all my love, prayers, and support.  In sisterhood, xo

  • yellowfarmhouse
    yellowfarmhouse Member Posts: 279
    edited October 2009

    Thinking about you tonight.  I have to admit that one day I prayed to die.  My head told me that I have a lot so reasons to go on but at one point it was very hard. 

    Please come here anytime.  We are all here for ya.  And I pray that there are people you can turn to where you live who may also need a good friend.  Early in my journey I met another woman in similar cirumstances .

    Day by day I was able to get through the darkness.  I know that there may be more difficult days ahead and that scares me .  But, hanging in there and I also offer my support , thoughts, prayers,

    Wendy

  • Running_Violet
    Running_Violet Member Posts: 17
    edited October 2009

    My short answer is yes and I sent you a PM.  Even if you don't realize it, you are soooo not alone.  Stay on these boards and surround yourself with the women here, even if you can only bring yourself to read without posting.  In the meantime, please get yourself a good neurobehavioral oncologist, stay strong, and continue to reach out to others.

  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited October 2009

    Cannotstopcrying:

    You are not alone - you are not alone.  We are here for you.  What you are feeling we all have felt or feel.  There are many arms to hug you here and many shoulders to lean on.  Hang in there - there is a "tomorrow" to look forward to. 

    Hugs,

    Linda

  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited October 2009

    cannotstopcrying,

    I hope today was a better day and you have made some steps to help yourself out. Please update us when you can. Like all the other ladies have already said......we are all here for you.

    Be well.

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