Really need support....

Last year, I lost my sister to breast cancer.  She was advanced stage IV when she was diagnosed and had a very hard time, but she was so brave and lived four years longer than they told her she would.  We were very close and it was a terrible loss for me and for my family.

Just this August, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, too. I am stage II.  Even though I know in my head that my case and my sister's are completely different with a completely different prognosis, it is hard to keep the terrible images from my sister's suffering and outcome from intruding into my own thinking and causing fear. 

What makes it worse is that from the moment of my diagnosis, everything has gone wrong in my treatments.  Mistakes have been made by doctors who are supposed to be taking care of me, I've just been left to cope with problems that have occurred throughout my treatments without any attempt at solutions from the doctor/surgeon/oncologist (take your pick), and I don't feel like I am being heard half the time when I try to state my concerns.  It's like they say "Yeah, yeah, whatever" and just do what they want.

I share with my Dad a complete resistance to any kind of numbing agents -- lydocaine, benzocaine, novacaine, etc. so I've had to endure procedures where I'm supposed to be numb but am not.  In the course of my surgeries, had numerous discussions with my surgeon, pleading with him to 'think outside the box" and perhaps consider something like conscious sedation or twilight sleep.  The response was that it had never been done.  My reaction was that that was no excuse not to try it if a patient needed it, and I needed it.  My surgeon reluctantly gave in and postponed my procedure for two weeks to set up the conscious sedation.  At 10:45 pm the night before my surgery, he called me to say "Sorry, I couldn't set it up.  Put ice in your bra." So, once again, I had to endure a procedure completely un-numbed.  In the OR, while I was waiting for the surgery, the Anesthesiologist was sitting next to my bed, writing in my chart.  I told him about what had happened, and he said "Honey, I would've done it for you.  All he had to do was ask me."

They then sent me for a bone scan, to see if cancer was present in any of my bones.  A pretty easy procedure, but when I received the report it said "Newly diagnosed bone cancer." Needless to say, that scared me pretty bad.  The doctor informed me it was a typo.  A typo?  Don't they proofread reports before they lay them down in front of patients?????

Now, just this Monday I went in for my first chemo.  I had already informed them that my sister had a pretty severe reaction to the drug they were going to give me, but, as usual, they seemed to just pooh-pooh my concern.  Seven minutes into my infusion, it stopped my breathing.

I am terribly frightened now.  For me the procedures are far more frightening than the disease.  I am angry, frustrated, terrified and I just want to scream and throw things and tell them all to stay the hell away from me.  I want to have confidence that they know what they are doing, but I don't.  Not after everything that has happened.  My family is pretty angry and upset and wonder what kind of idiots are taking care of me.  Worst of all, I'm having to go through this all by myself.  My family is halfway across the country.  I want to give up and tell them just give me the hormones and radiation and forget the chemo if they can't get it right.  I am tired of advocating for myself only to be completely ignored.  I could really, really use some support and some advise.

Thanks...