I'm (NOT F'*%$@#$) "OK"!

Great post.  I am sure people are sick of being around me.  Because I am not okay!  1 month after my last round of chemo, my husband died suddenly of a heart attack.  My life sucks right now.  I can't fake it.  I wish people would stop telling me I look pretty with my short hair...or they like my hair cut (what hair cut!).  Or they tell me how fast my hair is growing in - and I repsond that I have been bald for 1 year now! 

Most people ask how are you out of habit.  Some are expressing real concern.  I want to scream.  How would you be?  First my mom dies, BRCA1 Dx, have my ovaries removed, then I get BC and have my breasts removed, chemo, THEN MY HUSBAND DIES.....

Who really has the nerve to ask me how I am doing?   Surviving at best!

I have not caught up entirely with all the writing but will do so soon.  Sharon - I am so sorry.  If I were closer I would come hug you.

Once I told a woman who was 40 having her first child and about 7-9 months pregnant that she looked really good.  Her response - that's what forty pounds of make up will do for you.

When someone, especially one of my doctors, at follow up appointments tell me  "You look great" and be so enthusiastic I say I must have looked like s**t before.  Of course I look better, I am vertical, have make up on and my done.  I am wearing colorful clothes.  I am not lying in a hospital bed, hair greasy and flat to my head, no make-up, sick, and dressed in one of those wonderful gowns the hospital gives you!  I would hope I would look better!

For the most part, I don't think people mean to be insensitive and most "How are yous" are just habit.

Hugs and Blessings for everyone.   Special HUGS for you, Sharon.  I was widowed 6 1/2 years ago and recall the horror of it, added to BC - just how much CAN one person endure?    

Its been over a year for me and I still dont have an answer for this. At least I suppose it's good youre being asked. No one ever asks me, I think most people assume that your hair is back, your 'looking well' and all the treatment is over so it's life back to normal and nothings changed.

No matter what Ive said to people I know that unless theyve been thru it they dont understand, so why bother?

By the way I have to work, and where I work there's a lot of people who push me around, and generally treat me badly...even though they know what Ive been thru. Ive become a little dead inside in terms of my outlook on other people. 

Bellz; I dont understand, why did you have a mastectomy when your cancer was DCIS?

I need this thread today, am about to go to an event where I'll see many people and really don't want to answer any how are you's.  I told some friends, but did not want anyone else to know I've been diagnosed a 2nd time.  Of course it's leaked.  Some of those friends have barely bothered with me, some who it's been leaked to have shown amazing compassion.  I'm nervous.  Maybe I'll run out and buy a fabulous disguising top to wear, but dread trying on things with this soreness and trying to find something that looks good. I will practice saying some of the suggested answers!  Love the f i n e one, that will put a smile on my face as I answer!  and love the still kicking but not very high (what a great dad!) just afraid I might act out and actually kick someone:)

Here's one, years ago after first dx, someone yelled to me across a busy playground "what's your prognosis?"   I almost fell on the ground laughing, it was so crazy!

Ruby, I had DCIS and it was so extensive that mastectomy was my only option. I chose to have a double so I would never have to go through it again. A good choice since "suspicious" cells were found in my "healthy" breast. Unfortunatly it seems some practitioners don;t view DCIS as "real" cancer. Thank God that wasn't my experience.

Depends on my mood, how much I like the person asking, and whether or not it's a real question. Meaning, is it a good friend who is truly asking about my health.

When it's a "real" question, I say (as gently as possible), "right now there is no evidence of cancer in my body, I'll be checked for the rest of my life to see that it stays that way, but for now, I'm doing OK!"  (accompanied by a reassuring smile)

When it's not a real question, I say, "I'm doing great, how are you?" (pretending I have no idea they're asking, "so, what's your prognosis?")

When it's not a "real" question, but they actually have the nerve to say, "so, are you cured?" or something to that effect. I say, "There isn't a cure for breast cancer, but they have removed the cancer that was in my body. There's no way of knowing if it will come back or spread."

It's more frustrating on some days than others I guess, but I mostly try to remember the wise words of a friend of mine, 'I would rather assume ignorance than malice." when someone says something dumb to me.

Happy Thanksgiving all, eat good food!

I just had my second mast...this time the right side.  It was sort of prophylactic.  My mammo showed something the radiologist wanted to watch for another 6 months....no thank you.  I am so tired of being happy, perky superwoman.  My DH had the nerve to call my therapist because I am napping in my chair in the evening and he thinks I think people would be better off without me.  Of course I'm falling asleep....look what I've just gone through!!! And I worked through it all and I am still working about 55 hours a week.  And he doesn't like the girl I have coming in to clean the house 2 hours a week because she moves his stuff (like putting the ladder and shop vac OUTSIDE).  I'm not depressed, just exhausted.  Now with the 2nd mast, I feel like I don't have the right to say that I'm in pain and it sucks.  They just expect me to come home and be normal. Yesterday I had a bag of twizzlers and 3 candies for breakfast and lunch!  OK, I better stop now.

CyndiS - Yup, totally normal! And here's the thing, if she's a good enough friend, you should be able to say, "Look, I know you're trying to be helpful, and I'm sure I'll get there eventually, but you need to understand that you're telling me that if I don't survive this cancer it will be my fault because I haven't been positive enough, and I really can't hear that right now. I just found out that I have CANCER and I'm TERRIFIED, surely you can understand that and allow me to feel sad about this news that has turned my life upside down?" If she still keeps it up (and unfortunately, some people will) just do your best to limit your exposure to her.

And hang in there, keep coming here and let us know how you're doing, you'll get lots and lots of support here.

TO RUBYREDSLIPPER------because it was freaking everywhere...and if one more person tells me that dcis is freaking not cancer then screw them!!!! they don't operate on people that don't have cancer. I also have something called cowden syndrome...look it up!!! SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION WHY DID I HAVE A MASTECTOMY FOR DCIS, WELL TWO LUMPECTOMYS DIDN'T GET IT...BECAUSE I WOULD DEF HAVE A RECURRENCE BECAUSE OF THE COWDEN. I didn't get my freakin breasts cut off for a good time. It was a horrible thing to have to do and not a day goes by that I wish it hadn't come to that, but they are gone and hopefully now I can live a longer life to love my family. I also have potential to get thyroid cancer with the cowden. So after I get the bc stuff taken care of my oncologist is going to do some tests to make sure that is all clear. YES CANCER IS A REALLY GOOD RIDE! Sorry this is so rude, I am extremely depressed, and being asked why I had that done just hurt me. I didn't want it done at all but I had no choice.

Bellz - I agree with Dee. You do what you have to do to stay alive as long as you can. If having a mastectomy does that for you so be it! Don't worry what other people have to say about this issue. Sometimes it is a personal choice and people should respect that. I myself was told by two surgeons that I only needed to get a lumpectomy but decided to get a bilateral mx because I wanted to do everything I could at that time to prevent this terrible disease from coming back. I did not do chemo and sometimes I am scared that I did not (my oncotype score was 11 so no chemo for me). I was just so happy at the time when the onc. said no chemo but if I wanted to I could do it. I feared the chemo more than the bc. I hope I don't regret that decision. The decision was made and I told myself I couldn't look back at the "what if". Some days it is harder than others. I sure hope I did the right thing.

"I'm hanging in there."

"No, breast cancer sucks and I'm going through hell."

Hi Pam - how ARE you doing? I know we spoke about some stuff a while back - what did you end up deciding? Hoping you are as well as can be, and all the best for a healthy new year!!

Elaine

I try to be upbeat but I am sick of this disease. I had reconstructive revision surgery on Friday where I had my sides fixed and had a fat pad that still has breast tissue removed. Now I am worried will they find any surprisng pathology (i.e. breast cancer cells). I feel like crap, can't shower, can't exercise. So today I am not f***king OK. I was dx in June 2008 and I keep asking myself when am I going to get my life back.