I'm (NOT F'*%$@#$) "OK"!
Comments
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Uh Stage 6!?......
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Hollyanne,
Was just having lunch with a friend ( her sister diagnosed with bc just before me) and a local busy body came over to see how I was doing. Haven't spoken or seen her since DX.
Decided to use you " I'm the right side of the dirt" comment.Look on her face.......priceless
Big hugs(from the right side of the dirt)
Viv
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Can I use it also? I can only imagine the "look"... HUGS for all, Nancy
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I love this thread!
I saw my GP for the first time since my treatment started awhile ago. I was sitting there with my scarf on my bald head, she comes in and is just taken aback. "OH you look SO much more beautiful now! I almost didn't even recognize you!" WTF?! I laughed it off and said "thanks but I'm not keeping this look when this is over."
And I ran into a former co-worker before I lost my hair. She asked how long I was going to be off work and said it must be so nice to be off. I said "well except for the chemotherapy, it's been great!" LOL! The surgery and the worry suck too but I left that out.
I LOVE "the right side of the dirt" comment. LOL!
I don't understand how more people don't know that there is no cure for cancer. I thought that was common knowledge but I guess not.
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AStorm - I have the same kind of DH. He never asks how I am doing or feeling. When I do try to take to him about it he changes the subject the first chance he gets. GRRRR! If he doesn't talk to me about it, it means it never happened, right? Oh well. I have finally found a support group to go to so I can discuss my feelings with people that have been through this. They will understand more than he does. We almost have the same DX except I was Grade 2. I also did not do chemo but am on tamoxifen.
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Awesome thread. My H is not D, just ADD (HAHA) but really fatigued. I try to walk in his shoes and it must be hard to watch someone you love suffer and it's all out of your control. I too have been so GRRRRR ANNOYED by " how r u" oh, I'm fine thanks for asking and then "no, tell me how are you REALLY doing?" this came from my own sister who I now realize loves to be first in the know on family gossip. So, I told her the truth and she has informed me that she will not talk to me for "awhile", said that talking with me (thru email) was like putting her hand in a buzzsaw. Instead of hurting me the break has been a relief. My immediate family mmbers are mostly bipolar born-again drama queens that I have had to avoid since DX. And most recently at a college reunion a well meaning old friend says "my good friend had it and she fininshed treatment a month before you and she looks great and is doing great so arent u done......." I just said, Oh and change the subject to something about her life. It makes me feel like they are minimizing the MX pain and chemo treatment SE's and emphasizing that the illness means new perky boobs and is commonplace and so get over it and be positive! THIS ANNOYS THE He** out of me. Ahhh, this feels so good to vent. Here's to "the right side of the dirt"!
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Bipolar born again drama queens...........ok now that is funny..........Lizzie it must be a relief that you only have breast cancer........ha..............Shokk
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((((((((((Athena))))))).........actually the born again drama queens was the funny part of that comment.........because we all know them either by friendship or family............you are one of my favorite bi-polars bc sisters...........you embrace a disorder you have no control over.......and talk about it openly........you are one good, crazy cookie...........and let's face it being a bit crazy makes life very interesting.....does it not?...........Shokk
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I'm REALLY (NOT F'*%$@#$) OK Today.
I do not feel like pretending today.
No one wants to hear that from me. I am supposed to be A-okay, dodged the bullet this time, caught it so much earlier this time, it's only a breast, only needed surgery this time, only gotta take a pill this time, yada, yada, yada.
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. AT EVERYONE.
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So, what is good about this forum is that we CAN whine here and everyone understands. We have to be strong for our job, brave for our family, stoic for our acquaintances, funny for our girlfriends, grateful to our doctors, comforted for our minister ... and on and on and on. This is the only place where I can pour out my heart and not have to take in to account how my disease is affecting the person to whom I am talking! I am talking to the "ether" and some of you, my sisters in the same leaky boat, might choose to tune in, even say something encouraging or sympathetic. Thank you!
About the power of positive thinking....
Remember Hagar the Horrible? Well, his son is sitting nearby doing his homework and looks up at his dad and says, "Dad, what do you call a person who always expects the worst to happen?" Hagar responds, " A Realist!"
:):):):)I used to be the ultimate optimist. Breast cancer has me in Hagar's camp.
Pam
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I am with Athena a bit on this. Of course I reserve the right to complain as necessary and sometimes it is necessary. Today while having a MUGA test at one of the waiting parts I was beside a woman who had breast cancer several years ago. She is angry about getting it, still angry. Of course, none of us are pleased about it, but it seems to me that being that angry for that long (and she asserts she will continue to stay angry) is kind of a waste of energy.
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There's an Italian saying that runs, "La vita e corta, talvolta amara"--life is short, sometimes bitter. Dealing with breast cancer is a bitter experience, for sure. But since life is so short (and for us, maybe shorter than we'd planned!), maybe it's time to focus on people and things we enjoy and distance ourselves from harmful and negative people. Athena makes a good point about what other people are dealing with that may not be front and center. Life is still full of good things. Better for our health overall to focus on those and push past the rest.
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I saw Barbara Ehrenreich on Jon Stewart, and I felt like someone (apart from you great women) get it. Can't I be upset that I have what I have? I know I am lucky, but it still sucks! I have "good" cancer, or a non-cancer cancer: LCIS. One doctor told me all I have is "junky" cells and my oncologist tells me I have Stage 0 Cancer.....whatever it is, am I allowed to be upset? The minute I say I am worried about my 1st mammo after the excisional biopsy, I get, "you have to think positively!' NO SH**, SHERLOCK!! I am not exactly sitting here thinking negatively! I have to hold myself back from throttling them.
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I am not Ok. I feel like crying all the time. I thought it was the steroids. Then the Nurse Practicioner just smiled and said "You're Depressed." You'll get use to it. The oncologist was too busy to see me the last two visits.
I am tired of the pretend. I feel ugly and stupid and tired. I want this over. And yes, I know that I am "lucky" as I am only stage II grade 3 lymph node negative estrogen positive. Who ever thought I would spout this out of the sore mouth in a bald head on a one breasted woman who use to be proud of her independence. I don't have worse things but this is the worse thing that has ever happened to me.
See, I also discovered that of all the friends and relatives who volunteered to help me only one person came through. She called everyday but when I started to tell her the truth, she thought I was cracking. So I don't tell her or my husband the truth. " I am fine. It is all a bump in the road. Two hospital stays - no big deal. " I cry a lot. Never around people.
When does it end.
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Yea, my husband read the book and gives advice. He sits there during chemo and plays solitare. He only hugs me when I ask him to and he has never touched me or stroked me on my body since the diagnosis. He got angry when I told him I know I have lost muscle tone and look plumper but he hurt me by saying so.
He hovers when I am sick but doesn't seem to ever see me cry and doesn't recognize that I ahve fallen apart.
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There is a great blend on this thread of humour and observation, and much to inpsire.
Simply because sometimes we feel we would like to express our moments of sadness and despair, ths does not in any way imply that we also don't still see the beauty of, for instance, the planetetc etc or the other things we are still enjoying.
Athena - you seem to have some magic way of being able to tell what people do or don't think. How clever.
Blazing Star (great name!) - I don't know when it ends either. Should start afer chemo I hope. No need to minimise your DX -.
This thread is not merely composed of wining, it has much more in it than that.
But - if anyone is in need of a wine, why not?
love to all.
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I can only speak from experience............it does get easier.........not easy.......just easier.........when I was first dx my main doctor told me that one day in the future I would wake up and not think about breast cancer for a minute........then one day I would wake up and not think I have breast cancer for the first five minutes........then as time went on I would wake up and maybe go a whole hour and not think what if it is back today?..........as I am getting closer to my 4 year cancerversity it has worked out that way.........I am up to about the first 55 minutes that I don't think about it..........but if I am busy or something is going on with one of the kids or I am fighting with the ex I am not in the mindset is this going to be the last time I take this drive?......or will I be here next year to see my youngest compete in band competitions?..........will my ex regret being such a butt hole to me when I am gone?..........I don't really think about cancer that way anymore..........or my demise...........it is what it is..........and like I said before.......you can let cancer go ahead and kill you emotionally and/or mentally now and just keep breathing in and out until it is your last breath or you can go about your life as best you can and enjoy those things that you enjoyed before your cancer dx and the people that drove you crazy before you had cancer now is a good time to tell them to go to hell and leave you the "f" alone.........ha.........and get away with it well because you have cancer............Shokk
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I am with you Athena on the wining thing. I was in the radiotherapy waiting room and listened for some ten minutes (highly unusual to wait at all) to a woman slightly older than me go on and on about the inconvenience of radiotherapy, the small amount of recovery time at the weekend to get over her rash, that she was still in shock over her BC, blah blah blah. She was slightly more circumspect when she understood that my tumour was more aggressive and that I too although like her was half-way through radiotherapy, was at the samteime having chemo (Taxol, dose dense after A/C x4), plus a blood transfusion this week and antibiotics for a chest infection. But I recognise that as just in life, there is a wide spectrum of personalities that have BC, and I reckon that this lady moans about everything normally. I was often told by the different medics that it was great that I had such a positive attitute. I tried to explain that I was not doing this deliberately, but rather was in my makeup, and having gotten to grips with the DX just wanted to crack on with the treatment. In terms of context, the discovery that I had BC, was not nearly as devastating than the discovery of my close colleague who committed sucicide at work last Xmas. Indeed, the discovery of BC coincided with having gotten things sorted at work re my colleague (he had a large team of workers) menotring etc... What I do know is one is never free of BC. But my intention (yet to be realised) is that I am going to treat it like any chronic condition, one that needs to be monitored pretty much constantly. I do not intend to forget about BC, or not think about it. It happened and could again. Incidently, I intend to ask for more frequent mammograms in follow up, as my grade III came from no where (had a clear mammo 6 months previous), so yearly mammograms are not for me. However, who knows, times may change, and as a potential triple negative (ER expersssion weak), I am relying on my frozen tumour in the paths freezer to be useful in the future
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Shokk - thanks for those very helpful thoughts. I hope you will have a lovely weekend -
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I have another answer to how are you: (depending on what kind of day you are having)
The ( my) glass is half full. OR The (my) glass is half empty.
The same situation, only different way of saying it. Hugs for all. I no longer "suffer" from insanity; I pretty much ENJOY it !!!
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OK thanks for the warning - I left work Friday and most of the 1000 firefighters I work with will find out why (to a very limited degree ) To night- I think after reading this posting -which by the way I love- and my friend who is too dear to tell you-has gone to very appointment with me -claims that I will loose 20 pounds tomorrow with the bilat mx- we have a bet on it , I will never the less pass my wt lose goal during surgery-
back to this posting- I will make signs for my office door, you know like LUCY in Charlie Brown
which read "Don't eveN ask today" , "You might be able to understand the true answer today" "ask how I am if you can satnd it" "I am on xanax and pain pills" -PLEASE GO AHEAD AND SUGGEST OTHERS.
LOVE YOU ALL AND BY THE WAY AT 56 I NOW NO LONGER WORRY ABOUT SUN SPOTS ON MY SKIN- BUT IT TOOK BC- lol !!!! REALITY!
and another thought Oct is BC awareness month AND horror movie month on TV_ GO FIGURE!
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Generally I say "hanging in there" and leave it go at that. What would I like to say.....scared spitless every time I have to go in for labs (every 3 months for me) or go for a mammo (twice a year for me) or something new hurts....
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Actually I find the fact that Oct is both BC awareness month and horror movie month somehow quite befitting.
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You and we are beautiful.
In the 60's we women gathered in Consciousness Raising sessions where one's truth was one's truth even if it changes in a minute. I stand by my truth. I just need to get my mind and soul around the new person I am. As I have learned a new reality in the past, I will learn this reality. It will be a new truth.
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I love this thread and its so true. I work with a very large group of very caring people and I know they truly mean the best when I get asked multiple times in one day how I'm doing. My standard response when I'm still in the trying to deal with it phase has been "Still alive and kicking....(with an added one of two endings) just trying to figure out who to kick or so far" (of course all depending on my mood at the moment. But sometimes I just don't have the energy to do more then simply say I'm Ok or fine though you do know what fine stands for?
F***ing Insecure Nuerotic & Emotional that is what fine truly stands for.
I love all the responses it is a releaf to talk to people that really honestly get it.
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Blimey Cathicam - I'm "fine" too! xxxxxxxxxx
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How about, "Not bad for an old lady?" Most days, I feel like I'm 105 years old.
In reality, I think I have finally find the words that accurately describe how I feel. I feel like I've been trampled by a stampede of wild horses running from a speeding locomotive.
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I can sleep anywhere, anytime
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I tell people who've just learned I had cancer that "I'm fine now. It could come back some day, but for now, I'm living life to the fullest." It's the truth, and it seems to satisfy. If I think someone is going to be overly nosy about details, I just don't tell them.
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Some days I just want to answer "how are you?" with "not bad someone who's dying" just to see the look on their faces! I don't, but from now on when I say "I'm fine" I'm going to to be smiling to myself about what "fine" actually means!
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