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thegoldmans
thegoldmans Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

I am new to chatting and am not sure how this works but I need some advice.  My BF was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer with mets to the brain, liver and lungs in March 2009.  This is her 3rd time with BC.  She is recently divorced and lives with her 2 children.  She and her oldest daughter (age 16) are sharing the same bed.  The doctors have told her that her prognosis is not good.  She has done radiation to the brain and chemo.  She was doing okay but recently has taken a turn for the worse.  She is confused a lot of the time.  My question is is it okay for her daughter to be sleeping with her?  I know if my BF passes it will be difficult for her daughters no matter what, but will them sleeping together make it even worse?  Any perspective on this would be greatly appreciated.  I love my BF and I think that her daughter gives her comfort and possibly vice versa so I don't want to make things worse, but my fear for her daughter waking up one morning and her mother not worries me. 

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  • mlrbelle
    mlrbelle Member Posts: 108
    edited October 2009

    I'm so sorry to hear that your friend is going through this!  As a mother of 2 girls (toddlers for me though), I would have to say that as long as she has been honest with her daughter about her health and where she stands, let them do whatever makes them happy.  They are probably coping in the best way they know how and want to spend every second together, which is totally understandable.  I know from experience that mothers and daughters especially tend to regress a lot in their relationships when faced with a difficult situation like your friend is facing - co-sleeping is one of the most basic and instinctual comfort-seeking/bonding behaviors.

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  • thegoldmans
    thegoldmans Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2009

    Dear Mlrbelle,

    Thank you so much for your advice!  It really helps to hear from someone else about this.  My BF doesn't have a sister and her mother died from cancer 5 years ago.  I kind of thought the same thing as you, but after listening to her ex's concerns I thought maybe that it was wrong.  Fortunately she has been upfront with her daughters although with the brain mets I don't think she realizes how serious her illness is.  I don't know what to expect since I have never dealt with this before, but I imagine when the time comes they will decide together to have separate beds.  There is so much information here in these chats and I am grateful for that.  Sometimes I feel so helpless and don't know what to do.  I will keep logging in and reading.  Again, THANKS SO MUCH!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2009

    thegoldmans...

      You are a good friend just to be on this website in behalf of your BF and her daughter.  They are lucky to have you there for them as they face this.  I am a mother of 2 grown daughters ages 22 and 31.  Mothers and daughters have special relationships between them.  You mention your BF has gone thru BC for the third time and now is going thru stage IV and has been upfront with her daughters.  This being so,  I think she knows exactly what she's in for with this disease and is preparing her girls.  I've only dealt with this for the last year and have learned so much about BC, myself, and what I go thru and my daughters have been with me thru it all, along with my husband who has been my rock.  Yet I know that if it were not him, it would be they who would want to be there every step of the way even sleeping with me.  This special bond between them is what is the reason your BF's daughter is there with her even during the night.  Mothers and daughters who are grown can become like close girlfriends there for each other thru thick and thin.  Her 16 year old daughter most likely been thru the sleep over stage with her own close friends and she is just doing what comes natural to her with her beloved mom who is so ill. I agree with Mirabelle, that mothers and daughters do regress in their relationships when in certain situations and especially this co sleeping together is a basic and instinctual comforrt seeking behavior.  I don't see it as anything bad or harmful for the daughters, but will actually help them in grieving not only their mother's illness but possible loss of her. 

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  • thegoldmans
    thegoldmans Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2009

    Dear Shanagirl,

    Sorry I am just getting back to you.  I just took my BF to the movie Couples Retreat for a laugh and we did!  Thank you so much for your response.  I feel so relieved to hear that this is what others would want.  I am glad I found this site as sometimes I feel like I am navigating through this illness alone without answers and I REALLY APPRECIATE the advice.  I'm glad to hear that you would want your girls there too and I am thankful that she has her daughters to help her out and comfort her.  This is the 2nd time I've been through this with her even though it's her 3rd time.  We made friends when her youngest was in Kindergarten.  That was 9 years ago.  The last time -- 5 years ago -- I was there but she was still married and had a great support system.  Her cancer at that time was BC without mets.  This time her mom has passed and she is now divorced so I try to help out whenever I have an extra minute.  At any rate, I really do appreciate all the info, support and advice.  I will keep logging on periodically as new questions arise.  Thanks again!

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