I feel like my security blanket is gone now that chemo is done

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mickey3
mickey3 Member Posts: 17
edited June 2014 in HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer

Hello

I am so excited to be a part of such a wonderful group of individuals. FIGHTERS!!! I was diagnosed at the age 0f 34. I went for a routine mammogram in April 2009 and was diagnosed the same day. I just was completley blind sided I just kept saying I am only 34 and have 2 small boys at home and they need me. I had a double mastectomy in April and was on chemo by may receptor + and I had 15 out of 25 lymph nodes involved.

I just finished my last Taxotere and Cytoxan ( had severe reaction to carboplatin)  on The 8th of October. I will still receive The Herceptin until spring. The only thing is now is that I am very scared of recurrence. i felt when I was on the chemo it was kind of a security blanket even though I felt like crap. Does anyone else feel like this?  I start Radiation the end of the month for 6 weeks. I will then start Tamoxifen any tips on handling side effects for this? Any support is appreciated. thanks again and keep fighting and staying positive I try every day!!

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  • Laurie09
    Laurie09 Member Posts: 313
    edited October 2009

    I know exactly what you mean.

    I felt the same way. 

    I finished chemotherapy and thought I would be so happy to be done... but it was very scary for me to not be going through treatment any more - like even though I hated chemotherapy, I felt protected in some way by it.  I had chemotherapy prior to surgery, and so it was a weird time for me between the 2 because everyone was congratulating me and saying how I should be so happy to be done.  But I didn't feel happy, I just felt scared. 

    I have to say that went away after a few weeks.  I'm OK now, but am in the middle of radiation therapy, so I am wondering if I will go through the same thing once radiation is done. 

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  • nagem
    nagem Member Posts: 353
    edited October 2009

    Mickey, I'm so sorry to read of your diagnosis at such an early age. Although I was quite a bit older, I too felt undefended once chemo was done. Chemo made me feel so rotten, I knew it had to be bad for the cancer as well. But Herceptin is an extremely powerful drug against her2neu cancers—even though it doesn't feel as strong (read toxic) as chemo—and radiation is also very powerful, so you are still actively fighting with state-of-the-art weapons. And once you are done with the drugs and the radiation, you can turn to good health habits, like eating fruits and vegetables, exercising daily and drinking lots and lots of water and green tea, which apparently are powerful in their own right in the aftermath of treatment. (Though, of course, you need to talk to your oncologist and radiation oncologist about when to start drinking something like green tea.) Good luck!

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  • chainsawz
    chainsawz Member Posts: 3,473
    edited October 2009

    Herceptin is strong stuff!  I only had a moderate response to chemo (taxotere\carboplatin), but Herceptin has kept my lung mets in check for over a year now and hopefully 30 more!!  It doesn't cause the same awful side effects as chemo, but it is powerful.   Best to you!! lisa

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  • stef58
    stef58 Member Posts: 288
    edited October 2009

    I feel the same way. I am done with chemo in 2 weeks and have been wondering about my chances of this stuff coming back. I do not have to do radiation, but will take tamoxifin. I took 4A/C and now am on taxotere. My onco. used this combo alot so he must have a good response with it. my biggest concern was the one node that they found positive. I think we are all strong people who have come through a rough journey and  will prevail. Hugs Dianne

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  • helena67
    helena67 Member Posts: 357
    edited October 2009

    The way you feel is very understandable - but, Herceptin is a good drug. And you will have the radiation too, and hormone treatment. So, it is not just the chemo - you have lots of treatments left!

    Best wishes,

    Helena.

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited October 2009

    I felt the same way. It gets better.

    Celebrate that you are DONE and the Herceptin worked!

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  • ango74
    ango74 Member Posts: 255
    edited October 2009

    I can totally relate. Just keep in mind you are still on Herceptin and that is a HUGE part of our treatment. I wasn't so upset or worried when I finished chemo but I just finished all treatment 3 wks ago and now I am freaking out a bit.  I know it will get easier with every day.  I am also 34 with 2 younger kids at home.  It is a lot to deal with!

    Take care.

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  • flash
    flash Member Posts: 1,685
    edited October 2009

    hang in there.  You're still fighting and strong.

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  • PS73
    PS73 Member Posts: 469
    edited October 2009

    ...all too well.  I finally got used to something I had an incredible up front fear of and now I have to let it go and walk forward.  I think it's completely normal to feel insecurity because the next stage is another unknown in the whole process.  Its institionalizing in a way, and for me (obviously for all of us), its the fear that it will come back I think that will forever be haunting.  The 'out of control' night terrors alone are a force to reckon with.  The only thing we can do is trust in our choices and take that leap of faith.

    Good luck on the outside and hang in there.

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  • ameron
    ameron Member Posts: 98
    edited January 2010

    I too just finished chemo on Friday.  Couldn't wait for the last chemo as I can't wait to stop feeling like crap.  But by Saturday night I was having a complete melt down.  Chemo was definitely my security blanket.  There is nothing to stop the cancer from recurring now.  It is VERY scary....you are definitely not alone.  I hope the scariness subsides.

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  • sheila888
    sheila888 Member Posts: 25,634
    edited October 2009

    I also had a melt down right after radiation, but still was on Herceptin, when I was finished with it I was lost for a while what should've been a Happy Time.

    Now my 5 year anniversary is getting closer I think about it every day. By well meaning friends & family say " Everything is behind you now " even 3 years ago was hearing the same thing.

    Smile Sheila

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  • mickey3
    mickey3 Member Posts: 17
    edited October 2009

    Thank you evreyone for all your comments! I am glad to know I am not alone. Kepp fighting!!

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  • kayjay44
    kayjay44 Member Posts: 3
    edited October 2009

    I know exactly what u mean.. I finished chemo in Sept.on the 14th which was my 44th B'day. I felt so afraid to leave the clinic that day and my thoughts where what do i do now...I know it is a scary feeling but i promise you as days go by it gets easier > I can say that now because i have experienced it and now i know...You hang and there and keep god on yourside and kiss up those boys and everything will start to make scents..You will see... My prayers are with you!

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  • orange1
    orange1 Member Posts: 930
    edited October 2009

    Consider asking your onc for zometa 2x/year.  In premenopausal women it decreased the chance of recurrence by 36%.  Many of us Her2+ are on it.  Search zometa and you will find lots of information.  Good luck.

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited October 2009

    Excellent suggestion orange. Im not sure if your ER+ or not ...but if you are taking an AI or Tamox will be very helpful as well.So really?......you wouldnt be exactly done.

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  • amyob
    amyob Member Posts: 99
    edited October 2009

    Do you have to take Zoladex (goserelin) to shut down your ovaries before taking Tamox with Zometa?  That part I can't figure out from the website. 

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited October 2009

    You only need Zoladex to shut down the ovaries. There are a lot of woman who just take Tamoxifen by itself. Or they take Zoladex, to put them in a menopause state so they can take an AI instead of tamox.

    Zometa can be given as is.

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  • amyob
    amyob Member Posts: 99
    edited October 2009

    Thanks Lexi.  I could only find info on the benefits of taking tamox with zometa after the ovaries had been shut down or removed.  That clears it up.  

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  • kim40
    kim40 Member Posts: 904
    edited October 2009

    Hi Mickey

    I think everyone has felt the same way you do right now.  I know I did.  I finshed chemo in June, rads in August and will stay on Herceptin until July 2010. It's pretty scary, but what how you feel is normal.

    I will also be starting Zometa soon.  I also take the Zoladex injections and I'm also on Femara.   I was d/x at 40 - too young in my books too!

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  • RebeccaAnne74
    RebeccaAnne74 Member Posts: 6
    edited November 2009

    I definately felt "exposed" once my chemo was done.  Until then, I had been in the Cancer Ctr weekly, with weekly blood draws, etc...  When I was told not to come back for 1 month, I panicked.   When I was given Tamoxifen and told not to come back for 3 months, I really panicked.  Now we are going to treat the HR2+ part of my diagnosis now that my heart is strenghthened back up, so I will be in the Ctr more often than I have been of late.  

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  • Warrior517
    Warrior517 Member Posts: 355
    edited November 2009

    I have felt the same way and one way of coping for me was to write poems...here is the poem I wrote after treatments and before my surgery to replace my expanders w/perm implants...ENJOY and know you are NOT alone in your feelings...not alone, ever! We are always here for you!

    The Chapter Closes...

    It has been over a year since I received the call

    You have breast cancer...I remember starting to bawl.

    Surgery was needed, chemo and rads, too.

    Don't forget the IV med, Herceptin, which is new!

    My journey is written but I don't know the end....

    But do any of us really, my friend??

    I have written each chapter in my heart and my head,

    From every tear to hope to all of the meds.

    My surgery has temporaily changed me frm a C to an A

    Thank goodness for pump ups in this modern day!

    I made it thru surgery, waking up w/4 drains.

    Taking my Vicodin to get thru the pains.

    I heal and get stronger each and everyday

    So, I finish that chapter w/success, I say!

    A new chapter starts, the one we all dread...

    Chemo begins and I know it will affect my head.

    Soon, my brush was filled w/chunks of hair

    I was sad, but I was prepared to look in the mirror.

    Fun wigs..short wigs...sassy ones, too!

    No one knew which one I would do!

    Made it through chemo w/support of family and friends

    Time to close that chapter, thought it would never end!

    So, the new chapter begins of radiation for over 6 weeks

    The burn and the pain would eventually peak

    Again, I make it thru w/everyone's love and prayers.

    Each day, I live in Faith and Hope, NOT fears.

    I close the chapter of my new burnt skin.

    Grateful my expanders did not give in!

    I do my IV med, Herceptin, every 3 weeks for a year.

    The Oncologists staff know you by name and truly care

    The access was made easier by inserting a port

    But it's been over a year, not very short!

    So, when does this chapter get to close for me?

    In 2 weeks, and my heart needed these words to be free

    You won't hear this often, but it gets stuck in our mind.

    We get fearful, as safety nets are removed one at a time.

    This is where I learned to control what I think

    Positive thoughts can turn a black world to pink!

    I also have learned to not live in fear, but hope

    It is love, faith and believing that helps us cope.

    So, here I sit two weeks before my final surgery day

    Looking forward to silicone, port out and an overnite stay

    I felt the need to write down my words for others to hear.

    Maybe you will read them and want to share

    I am a fighter, a warrior at war.

    I have my battle wounds to even the score

    I wear my pink boxing gloves and continue to fight.

    So, pray for all of us each day and each night!!

      

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  • mickey3
    mickey3 Member Posts: 17
    edited November 2009

    Warrior517,,

    What an amazing poem thank you so much for sharing!! All the words are sooo true! I am glad to kno there are people out there that care and are an inspiration. Thank you!

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