Newbie, Single, Lot to Get Off Chest ..... NO pun intended....

Hi Ladies!
I'm a "newbie", and have a lot to get off my chest so please, please be patient with me .
Like many of you, I was shocked when I was diagnosed. I knew absolutely nothing about breast cancer, different types, grades, etc... but you sure learn quickly don't you? I still feel pretty ignorant but have learned so much since I've been on here already. I was diagnosed 4/8/09 with Stage IIIB ILC. ILC is a rare cancer that's hard to detect.  I had a mammo in 9/08, and a breast exam in 2/09, still, it never was detected... subsequently, the tumor measured 10 cm!!!  I chose a bi-lat mast, which was a good thing, because they found LCIS in my left breast also.

I had surgery 4/22, with tissue expanders, chemo, and am now in the middle of radiation. I only recently began searching the internet for something like this, and thank GOD I found all of you! I have been so positive throughout all of this, and I give all the glory to God, and my faith. I've had "moments" where I've been sad, or down, but only moments and somehow have managed to pull myself out of my slump. I'm not sure why, but the last few weeks I've been on a downward spiral, to the point where the depression is so intense I can hardly stand it. In the beginning, I had people from my church, family, and friends gather around and was so humbled by the outpouring of support. That tapered off through chemo, about the time I started working full-time, despite the fatigue, feeling like crap and constant pain I've had on my right side since surgery. I have always tried to stay positive, no matter what the obstacle, and deal with a lot of stuff with humor.... People see me as a very strong person, and therefore, they think I'm "fine". I have a very hard time reaching out for help, basically because of fear of rejection and past experience with rejection. Recently I've tried to "reach out", and don't feel like people want to hear what I really have to say, they like it so much better when I tell them I'm just great. I've always tried to go above and beyond for everyone in my life, and exceed everyone's expectations, to the point where it's killing me (literally). I'm much more comfortable being in a position where I'm giving, rather than receiving, cuz I hate feeling so needy. It's all coming to a head now because I'm falling apart, and I don't have family near me, or emotionally available to help me with everything. 

I am a single mother of two boys (14, 15), and have been for ten years. I don't have a lot of close girlfriends anymore since my divorce ten years ago forced me to focus on my boys and work. My best friend lives across the country. In 2000 I suffered a painful divorce after my husband of ten years came home from work one day, and said he was leaving. Four days later he left (with his girlfriend I knew nothing about) and never looked back. My boys were very young at the time, so I've been doing everything alone ever since. I was a stay-at-home mom when he left, had to find a job, find daycare and new NO ONE in my small town we only lived in for four months. He wanted to move here I found out later to be closer to his girlfriend - all part of his master plan. I felt isolated, but I found a job where I'm still at today, worked my way up through the ranks and now manage that company, which has it's rewards but is EXTREMELY stressful. Ten years went so fast.  I kept thinking I would somehow meet someone, but since I don't have a social life, it's pretty tough.  Now here I am.  I don't feel like anyone will want me anymore, for sure.  No one I know really understands what I'm going through, and I have no one to talk to. I've been searching for a support group in my area, and the closest one is 30 min away, and they're only once a month, and when I get home from work I'm ready to tip over.

I've spent the last two nights reading hundreds of posts, and it's helped me tremendously because I can really relate to almost everything I read!  Aside from the emotional, psychological and physical affects from this horrible disease, the worst part for me, is being alone, and not having anyone to hug me, put their arms around me, or tell me everything will be ok. My boys are at the age where they are more interested in X-Box and their friends, and sometimes the being alone is excruciating. I cry all the time, and at work have to remain strong and professional. I'm so tired of trying to be strong, positive and happy.

Thank you ladies, for letting me vent, and thanks for reading... I'm SO, SO glad to be here with all of you!!

God Bless each and every one of you!!!

Mai

Deanna, Marsha, 2New, Erika and all, thank you SO much for reaching out to me!  I had a hard time sleeping last night only because of my exitement that I found all of you and for the first time in a long time did not feel alone, so THANK YOU!!  I'm officially now addicted to this site, and will be spending more time on here, unfortunately it will only be in the evenings when I can.  I couldn't wait to get on here this AM but am now off to work .... I could stay on here all day!  I have laughed already, and cried, but more importantly found a group of women who I truly admire, and who I know understand.  I hate that we are all here, and why we are here, but I can see how important it is to have support. Marsha you are my neighbor!!  How awesome is that?  I do believe in God's will, and know he is not punishing me... I don't completely understand, but I try so hard to focus on all the blessings I've already received, like this site and you gals.  I'll be in touch soon and thank you again, I am so grateful.

Have a wonderful day!

Thanks Meg!  Met with Onc today after radiation, and had more questions answered.  I have SO many!!  I'm not sure if you've had to undergo chemo or radiation, but I'm having almost more of a difficult time with radiation than with chemo... lots of pain, burning and SO tired!!  And of course, the emotional and psycological effects.  What kind of anti-depressant are you taking?  I'm not sure what to even start with.  I have fear of Tamoxifen.... are you on that?  I have to start in two weeks and am sick about all the horror stories I keep reading.  You are right though, support group for me now is key, because no one understands what we go through.. they have no clue.

Trying to stay positive!!  Mai

Thanks Nancy,

I already am doing so much better since joining this site!  It's an amazing feeling to connect with women who know exactly how you feel and what you're going through, for me it makes all the difference in the world.  I just wish I would have found this sooner!  

Can I ask though, why you think you went into a "slump" after your exchange?  I would think that would have made things better?  Just curious.

Thanks for the hugs, right back at cha!

Diane (Mai)