Sisters not helping

suzettemary · September 2009

I was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer two years ago. I had a mastectomy with 14 lymph nodes removed. A month later I started six treatments of TC every three weeks which my body did not take well. I had side effects where my whole body ached for a good five days after each treatment starting the second day out -- this was in addition to other SE, hot flashes, chills, headaches, neuropathy, taste buds gone... you get the point. One week out of three I was unable to do much. Then five weeks of radiation, that brought on this terrible fatigue. I'm sure many of you ladies can relate.

I had been a single mom for most of my daughter's life. Her father (my ex-husband passed away when she was seven). My daughter was 17, a senior in high school, when I was diagnosed. It was my daughter who did the grocery shopping, picked up my prescriptions, cooked and comforted me during that hellish week after each chemo. I don't know what I would have done without her.

I have a sister who lives in the area and she was at the appointment with my surgeon after I had been diagnosed, at the hospital for my mastectomy, and one occasion during my chemo treatment. My other sister lives 3 1/2 hours away and was there for a chemo treatment. The actual chemo treatment was the easy part, they gave me steroids, I felt fine for a couple of days, so I told my sisters it wasn't necessary for them to come to be at the treatments. But I constantly told them about my five days of body aches and other SE. Neither one of them came to help out during those weeks.

I'm a freelance graphic designer, so when I couldn't work I wasn't getting paid. An added stress since I was supporting myself and my daughter.

I'm still have neuropathy and I still feel very fatigued. The fatigue effects my ability to work. My finances are in ruin and I'm feeling depressed. (I have already sought the help of a psychiatrist). But I'm feeling very resentful towards my sisters who have watched me go through this, but helped minimally. They let my 17 year old daughter take on responsibilities that a teenager shouldn't have to. I hear and read how other breast cancer survivors, at all stages, have their family making them meals, helping out around the house and with family. I have tried talking to them about this resentment, one sister ignores me, the other feels she did as much as she should have.

Does anyone have similar feelings?

Isabella4 · September 2009

Suzette, sorry you're having troubles with your sisters, I don't suppose they will get any better now !

My sister, and brother, who both live the other side of town offered absolutely no help whatsoever. I was disgusted with them. They are both a 20 minute car ride away, yet.. just nothing. My sister, who is 10 years younger than me did email about once a fortnight for a few months, but what good is an email ? My brother, who is 5 years younger than me, has taken early retirement, and complains he is bored ! He rang me once, when I went for my mast., and has never been heard of since. I have a much younger brother, he was 'phoned and told of my upcoming op., and not one word, card, email or phone call have I had from him. I was in very regular touch with all of them, and their families, we would come and go to one anothers houses, have family celebrations, but now all the invites have stopped as well !! Its as if I am a leper.

I have no time for them now, and will certainly never lift a finger to help any of them if ever they get a serious illness. I suffer big time with Arimidex se's....neuropathy, fatigue, plus bone pain and carpal tunnelx2. I could sure use a helping hand, but won't be getting anything from my family ! I think you just get to accept it in time, I still cannot believe how none of my siblings offered me help. I accept it....but I am very bitter about it. My DD helped me, as your DD did, my son turned up a couple of times, and has not even asked me how I am for 4 years, he charges me for work he does for me in the house, like sorting out my computer, or tuning a tv set....yes, you heard that correct, my own son charges me to tune my tv !!!!!

Families , you're usually better off with friends !

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Isabella.

HelenaJ · September 2009

Oh yes Suzettemary that sounds very familiar. I have 3 sisters. I was very independant and strong going through my surgeries etc and didn't "need" too much help. My younger sister has BC and of course was fantastic but the other two, who I was pretty close to b4 BC, have been, in my eyes, disappointing. I actually spoke to one of my sisters about it and she said that she didn't come and see me because she was scared - she didn't want to make me sadder. I really think she didn't want to be made sad. My older sister lives 5 hours away so I guess my expectations weren't so high. And I think there lies the problem, for me anyway. I had "expected" my sisters to be there with support, love and assistance. My expectations greatly exceeded reality and I have had to change my outlook.

And like you it really upset me that if they couldn't help me they could have helped with my two daughters (aged 7 and 10) and my DH - nope nothing - no meals, no cleaning, no hugs for them. That REALLY gets to me.

Yes, it makes me sad, it makes me angry and things have changed forever. I do however remember the times when they were there for me and I am trying to remember that. In all honesty I will never forgive them but I can try to forget and I will rebuild relationships with them. We have changed so much through all this but they are still just the same people. Just because they are family doesn't mean they are better people.

You can choose your friends but not your family.

It can really do your head in so please try not to focus on it too much, your gorgeous daughter sounds amazing. Don't waste time on people who just don't count.

big big hugs

take care

Helena

suzettemary · September 2009

Dear Isabella and Helena,

Thank you both for your replies. They mean the world to me, just to know I am not alone.You both certainly have had your own heartbreaking expereinces with family, so i know you understand.

In the past I have helped both my sister's in times of needs. The worse the situation, the more I was there for them. So I really don't understand this.

Like you Isabella, I now know that I will no longer be there for them. And like you Helena, it makes me so sad and angry, and I also feel like things have changed forever.

Since I posted this message earlier today I have been reading this book titled "The Middle Place". The author talks about her breast cancer and there was a line that struck a chord within me. It was in an email from a friend of hers who had lost her son in a car accident. The friend said she was now one of them "the people who are now aware of others". I guess I have to accept that my sister's won't become aware. I did have expectations. It just hurts. I wish I could turn the hurting off.

Thank you for sharing your stories and for your words of support.

Much much appreciation,

Suzette

Isabella4 · September 2009

Suzette, just remembering today, my sister got pneumonia 6 months after my mast.

She was in hospital for a six days. I managed to get to the hospital twice in that week, AND took her flowers, (which I certainly didn't get !) even though I was in the middle of rads. and dog tired !

Isabella.

txstardust · September 2009

Suzette,

I'm so sorry that your sisters have not been there for you. It must hurt so much to find that you can't count on your family for support. But, you must be so proud of your daughter for being so helpful and supportive! I understand that you don't want her to take on so many responsibilities - we want to protect our children as much as possible! I know you have a lot of resentment right now, but I hope that you are able to mend the relationship you have with your sisters at least to the point where it doesn't hurt you so much. I have been fortunate that my brothers take the time to call me and see how I am doing (they both live over 1000 miles away, so that's as much as they can do). I agree with the others, that friends often have to make up for the lacking in our families.

I wish you happiness and am sending positive thoughts your way!

Peace,

Shelby

dragonfly10 · September 2009

My one sibling died years ago in his 40's, my mother said she couldn't help because it made her too nervous, her heart just couldn't take it so all responsibility was on my daughter and my aunt that was in her 70's but they both held up like troopers. People at work brought food the first week after mastectomy and then that was it. People do care but they have their own lives and sometimes they just don't think. when I really needed something I would call someone and ask, all they could do was say no. If I hurt bad enough I asked. I hated to call my daughter because she lives 2 hours away but she came everytime I called.
Sometime you just feel so all alone but on this board we are never all alone. We are friends, we are sisters, we all know what each other has gone through.

holligoog · September 2009

I don't have any sisters but I have some close life long friends that have turned their backs on my during my illness. I don't know if it's fear or selfishness or both.

We are your sisters!

HelenaJ · September 2009

Excellent - lots of sisters here ... love it.

Sisters not helping

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