Falling apart
I've done so well holding things together since my dx in August. Haven't really cried much, that is, until yesterday. I just started crying after my fiance said something along the lines of "it's not a big deal". I think he was trying to help, but it was exactly the opposite of what I needed to hear, because to me, this IS a BIG deal! So I was crying yesterday morning. Then, I woke up in pain around midnight (I just had surgery on Friday) and started crying then too. Today, my printer wasn't working, and I've been bawling for an hour because I can't get it to work, and I need to print out something for school. I just don't know if I can keep this up. I hear about all the women who continue working full-time jobs and taking care of their families, and I feel so inadequate because I'm having so much trouble getting through the day lately. I have another assignment that needs to be completed today, and my brain just won't work. I feel guilty for missing class, but I'm so exhausted and I'm hurting, and I can't make it through a 3 hour class.
How do people do this?
Comments
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We do this one second at a time. You just have to get through the next second.
It's entirely understandable to be overwhelmed by a diagnosis such as this. We are all overwhelmed when it happens. You aren't alone, and coming here to talk it out is one of the right steps in coming to grips.
You are in the right place at the right time, and we all know what you are going through. I'm so sorry you had to join our group, but believe me, you are cared for here.....
Hugs,
Pamela
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Im sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time.....
Did you take a day or two off after surgery? I did, but worked full time after that...it can be and IS draining...
Talk to your doctors about how you feel, they can help with meds.....
Give yourself time....you have been through a very rough time this past few weeks and this is about the same time in my journey that it all seemed to catch up with me.....dont run from it....take time for you...if you need to cry, sleep, scream, yell, whatever you need to do it is time to do it....
What you are feeling is normal for what we go through, but it sure sucks when your the one going through it....
Hugs
Jule
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Dear Txstardust,
Everyone of us has had their moment of falling apart. It's different for each of us and sometimes it is the very responsibilities that are on our shoulders that hold us together. You will get through this! It is still so fresh and painful, emotionally and physically. Give yourself some time.
We are here.
Pam
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Thanks ladies for your understanding. I just can't wait for this day to be OVER. I'm drained, physically and emotionally. I finally called a friend to come over just so I wouldn't be crying all alone. It helped to have someone to talk to. It's just the loss of control that is so hard to handle, and being a perfectionist, I have to learn that not everything is going to be done the way I like to do it these days, especially my schoolwork. I decided that a half-ass job is my very best for today, so that's what I finally allowed myself, instead of pushing myself to do it "perfectly". Not easy for me. I just hate to cry.
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Hey....give yourself a break, you are going thru a very rough time right now. You're entitled to have a good cry.
We all get these awful days, feeling of falling apart, nothing seems to help, and even a very small thing like your printer playing up just feels as if its so big you'll never get it fixed.
It WILL mend. Let it be . Let your fiance sort in when he gets in, go and have girly hour. You have just had surgery, for gawds sake, get your feet up, girl.
This is not the best path to be on, and the path non of us would choose, were there a choice, but its all a matter of getting thru the day, one day at a time,( sometimes one hour at a time ). Just give yourself time, and plenty of rest, some good food, and gather your friends round you to help. Men always say the wrong thing, the wrong way.... just the way they are. Remember, he's probably just as scared as you are, and treading on eggshells to say the right thing to you. We don't always think that they care, but in their own way they do, so tripping up over a few words isn't the end of the world.
All the ladies here are at some stage or other of this path, so we are always here to listen and help if we can.
Isabella.
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I'm so very sorry to learn that you're having such a terrible time functioning right now. No wonder...you've just had surgery...you've been holding your feelings in. I think you may be feeling as though you 'have to' do so much but is this really a possibility, especially so soon after surgery? Feeling guilty never ever produces anything positive.
It's a good thing that you're crying, letting your feelings out. Your fiance must be very, very frightened and wants to offer you all his love and support. But he's most likely having a tough time figuring out how to express his concern. I'll bet, as time goes on...and not very much time at all, he'll be right there for you in all ways.
Your printer going on the blink could have been one catalyst for the explosion of your feelings. Try to have it fixed. One worry at a time!
Be gentle with yourself. Just allow yourself to experience all of your feelings. Reach out, as you have here, and know that there are so many wonderful women here who sincerely care about you. I know I do. You're welcome to send me an e-mail (ubehpy2003@aol.com) or call me at (856) 866-5515.
I just learned of my diagnosis about 12 days ago. Surgery is scheduled for October 20TH. I have to have so many tests to determine what stage the cancer is in and whether any cancer cells are vacationing in my bone, liver or lungs. I wake up in the mornings with terror in the pit of my stomach. Then I seem to function OK for the rest of the day. I'm still a bit in shock and denial. And I have a tiny support system.
I hope that life is treating you gently tonight. I hope the pain is diminishing. Please don't feel alone.
Sharingwithu
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So sorry your going through this but you are in company. I fell apart for a good 6 months and cried all the time, someone could hug me or ask a question about cancer and i would start bawling and had no control over it. After surgery I missed 6 weeks of work to just heal. Then during chemo, I was sick with vomiting and diarrhea about 1 week out of the 3 weeks so missed a week a month till that was over so see you are doing great. Remember this too shall pass and take 1 day at a time. Make sure your fiance knows that you are scared and this is a big deal to you. You are never alone, there will always be someone on the board to talk to that understands.
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I seem to be doing a bit better today. Very cranky and extremely short fuse, I guess I'm moving into the angry/irritated side of things. I don't know which I dislike more. I guess part of it is waiting for my post-op appointment on Thursday, when I find out about any further involvement of the lymph nodes. I'm kind of scared - what if it's all over my lymph nodes? I hate the waiting!
peace to all,
Shelby
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I know how you feel. I have good days and bad, or, good minutes and bad. First it is overwhelming, then you can get ok, then overwhelmed again. I don't think there is any right way for it to be. Everyone says you get through it. I guess we will see. If you have no choice, and we don't, you will get through it.
I wish you strength in your fight.
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Hang in there Shelby. Cyring is so very healthy, do not doubt yourself. Weigh your options: if you are physically or emotionally unable to function, take some time off - never hurts. BTW - sign on every day to this site, there are some happy threads that you can attach to
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Hi,
I know exactly the way you're feeling...yesterday more than today. I guess you just go in and out of a variety of moods. Today I'm falling apart. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I feel and am so alone.
I don't know the results of my tests...as a matter of fact they don't even begin until this coming Friday. I have this gut feeling that the cancer has spread. I haven't felt "right" in months.
I feel as I know most of how you're feeling, Shelby. I want to offer you words of support. Know that you're certainly not alone in your battle. There are so many very wonderful women here that are so understanding. I hope you can feel the caring. It's sincere.
Shelby, let your feeling out...sadness, fear, anger, feeling as though your world is falling apart. There seems to be many women here that offer their support so generously.
Please know that I'm thinking of you. You are in my thoughts and my prayers.
Bo (sharingwithu)
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Bo,
You are not alone, there are so many of us fighting along with you! have you thought of looking for a support group in your area? My cancer center offers one twice a month, but I haven't been able to make it there yet.
Thanks for your kind words of support. Know that they are coming right back at 'ya!
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Hugs Shelby,
From the rush of wonderful responses you can see how common these overwhelming feelings are. The loss of control over our lives is so terribly sad and scary. Every day is different now. I was reading up on this author who actually died twice and was suffering from horrendous depression but had an epiphany when he realised he just needed to go on because he was too curious as to how everything was going to pan out and what would happen the next day. The human spirit is under there somewhere it is just squashed by fear. And waiting is just the worst!!!!
Take a day at a time or even an hour at a time - BTW the angry/short fuse times is when I get the most done .... LOL. Great for the housework - bad for the family!!!
And look at beautiful sharingwithu giving you her phone number - how amazing is this place.
soft hugs
Helena
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I called those days my Pity Party days. And it is just fine to have a pity party! We deserve them. My theory is to give in to those overwhelming feelings and then get back up and kick a$$.
We all get different chemo, at different doses, and different benefits from anti nausea meds. I most definitely was not able to work during tx. In my job I had to be sociable, physically active and use my brain for long hours. I suppose some jobs you could get away with being less than 100%, and if your se's were mild, then you could keep working. It is a very individual decision.
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