3rd time

I have posted a few times over the years but have always read the posts. I figured it was time to do it again as I seem to be really struggling. To make a long story short, I was was first dx in right breast in 2001. I lumpectomy, AC and rad.  At the time I was going through a divorce after a 20+ yr. marriage and it was a very difficult time in my life.  I had a recurrence in left breast in 2005 and once again had lumpectomy, AC and rad then 1 year of Herceptin. (Stage I, no node involvement either time).  I remarried in 2005 and 2 years ago moved to an area that we've been wanting to move to for a long time and I love it here. Then the economy hit and effected us like so many others.  I was working part time then went back full time to help make ends meet.  In May of this year, I felt a lump above my breast by my previous port scar. I had been complaining for at least a year of pain in that area but nothing ever showed up.  This time I asked for a digital mammogram (I had just had a regular mammogram 9 months earlier that was clear as it was the other 2 both times I had cancer).  I also had an ultrasound of the lump which did not show up in the mammogram as it was above the breast. BINGO, CANCER!  I just knew that something was there. I also had a small tumor in the breast along with microcalcifications.  The lump I felt was actually a lymph node that had been engulfed by a 2 cm tumor. I had 3 other lymph nodes removed that were negative.  I had a CT scan and they found 6-10 nodules in the lungs that are of course suspicious for metastasis.  At the first meeting with the Onc. I was so upset over the lung issue.  She seemed like she was not very concerned about it at all.  She said they are small (the biggest is 6 mm) and that she cannot even biopsy them as they are so small.  I of course am freaking out and thinking cancer is going to win this time.  I asked her to be up front and to not sugar coat anything and she said she is.  She said she is not sure how to stage me and is treating this as a recurrence of the original cancer in 2001. (I wasTriple- the first time, ER/PR- and Her2+ the 2nd time and this time it is once again Triple-).  She said she is treating it aggressively as Stage 4 but honestly feels that I have a fighting chance.  She also said that half of it will be up to her and the medicine and the other half up to me. I have a friend that went to her and she was Stage IV and she was very up front and honest about that with her and did not sugar coat it. I am currently on Taxol and Avastin.  If all goes as planned, I will also have radiation (I've been radiated on each side before but this area is above the breast so they should be able to radiate again) then I'm supposed to have the other breast removed and reconstruction.  I am really trying to be positive and put up a good fight to beat this but I'm tired both physically and emotionally. Plus with my husband's work so slow and me on disability we are really struggling financially. I'm on State Disability.  Because of the way they go back so many quarters to figure your benefit amount, it went back to my part time pay, not my full time pay so I'm bringing home about 2/3 less than I was when I was working. I also pay $400 a month for my medical alone (on top of the co pays). I will be turning 50 in December and the new rates come out in January so I will be getting the regular rate increase in addition to going into a higher rate age bracket.  I miss working. I sit home every day by myself as my husband is at work and my 15 yr. old son is at school. Then he goes with his dad every weekend and my husband works every weekend. I have way too much time to think about things. I try to stay busy but it's hard. I do not have family close by and not many friends to get together with as we are fairly new to the area and all of my friends work.  Part of me wants to trust what the doctor is telling me and fight with all I have and part of me just wants to give up and throw in the towel.  It's hard, I just don't know what to do.  Sorry to ramble on so much. I just really needed to vent and I know that so many of you can understand. I think I will post this in both the Recurrence and Stage IV section. I'm just really lost right now. I'd appreciate any stories of hope  or encouragement that may be out there.  Thank you.