Who to tell/ how much/ does it reduce your stress?

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Ladies,

Do any of you feel that you don't want to share your diagnosis/ the fact you have cancer with your friends/ colleagues? Is that just me? Any thoughts?

I don't feel comfortable sharing and then people not knowing how to talk to me. It makes me feel more isolated but I'm not sure that the sort of friendly interest helps?

I find that talking to you all - as you understand really helps so identifying local bc support groups may also help.

I'm at the stage where I should get the final diagnosis in the next hour or so (already have been told that abnormal cells) and will then need to start on how to treat. That'll give me an idea of how much time off work etc but since I work at many sites and have a varied work pattern - as long as my boss knows - the actual times away may be possible not to be too visible to colleagues.

I told people I was taking a days leave when I had my excisional biopsy and then worked from home the next day.

Anyhow - views apreciated.

KatieC

Comments

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited September 2009

    We all have different personalities, our needs differ, and we all have different friends.  So there is no 'right' answer for everyone.

    I told a few people at work when I was going through the diagnostic period.  I didn't do this in order to relieve the stress, but to explain why I had red, puffy eyes.  (I always look horrible when I cry, and this puffiness can stay for 24 hours. I was crying sporatically at work.  I work in a hospital as a pharmacist.  When I would see the medication orders for someone  with a diagnosis of breast cancer, I'd  cry.  I wanted others to understand that they had not done anything to make me cry.) I read here about some people here who had gotten terrific support from their community - including their social network.

    I had my excision at the hospital where I work.  When I handed in my mammos to the radiology clerk, he looked at my diagnosis (verification of LCIS) and says ohhhhh  LCIS!  and when are you having surgery. (As if I didn't know my diagnosis.)  

    I worked the graveyard shift the night before my excision, and a collegue came up to me and said that radiology clerk, Tommie, wished me luck on my excision (OK), and then 'advised that I have bilateral mastectomies because a collegue of his had LCIS and that's what she did.'  

    This radiology clerk was a friend of someone in my department, but I had only exchanged about 5 words with him in the last 25 years.  

    I surely did not appreciate being essentially told by a male stranger that I needed bilateral mastectomies, particularly in the middle of work.

    I had another co-worker come up to me and tell me 'I must be the last person in the department to know about your breast problems.'  I thought, well, gee, maybe there's a reason I didn't tell you, since I had only told about 3 people in a department of about 40.

    After some brief discussion, I decided that my breast issues are off limits at work.  I have informed a few trusted co-workers about my other medical conditions, but I do not discuss my medical problems with others.

    I think almost anyone who has breast problems will get some wacky comments by some people.  I am sure I have made some insensitive remarks to other people.  

    The choice is up to you.  Once you tell someone at work, unless you tell them that the information is confidential, and the person is trustworthy enough to hold confidences, your information may spread wide and far.

    There is even one person on this site whose boss was informed  by her surgeon that around the time of her mastectomy, she was suicidal. ( What a breach of confidentiality! Who wouldn't have lots of emotional effects when having a mastectomy?)  The boss did not hire her back after she physically recovered.  So she was left without health insurance, etc.

    I'm not saying that 'don't tell' is for everybody, because we are all different and in different circumstances.   You will not be alone whatever choice you make.

  • bettysgirl
    bettysgirl Member Posts: 938
    edited September 2009

    my coworkers (ladies) knew i was having the testing. It was once i got the dx that i stayrd tight lipped in the begining. I was dx'd on  Friday and asked hubby to also stay quiet for at least the weekend. i needed the time to wrap my head around it and to let it sink in before i had to start answering questions. We waited until after we had met with the breast sugeon the next thursday to tell most people. My boss was going out of town so I had to ask ahead of time to be gone (we were already down one person.) and she had to be told because otherwise she would have made me wait to go. We told our children then our closest friends in that week.

    eveyone has a way of dealing with it. Some want to share and some want to just move thorugh treatment and not have to answer a lot of questions. I live in a very small town so honesty is the best policy OR the story would get skewed and wrong so I was open with most people about wht was going on.

    Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing.

    Take care

  • katiec
    katiec Member Posts: 28
    edited September 2009

    Thanks - I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who has some concerns about sharing with colleagues - as once the news is out, it's out  -and then the awkwardness/ insensitive (unintentional) comments begin. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

    I had a dx of abnormal cells and multi centric a couple of weeks ago - doc said mx was only route.  Since then, I've had several other biopsies finaly with a excisional biopsy last week. Just got the results and from being bc and mx- it's now clear. They don't know what caused the lump - still puzzled but normal breast tissue not even a benign lump.  The practice that the doc works in has seen 60000 ladies in the last 15years and I'm only the 4th one like this - pleased to be the 4th one but it doesn't quite give closure.

    I'm glad only my boss and husband knew - since just got the all clear (at least sort of all clear). Got to go and have more mammos in 2 months when biospy calmed down or sooner if I feel lump again.

    Take care all. Thanks for the help.

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited September 2009

    Congrats on your 'sort of all clear'!  If you had told everyone far and wide, you might be getting inquiries for years about this.

    There are several threads about stupid things that people say to people with breast cancer.

  • katiec
    katiec Member Posts: 28
    edited September 2009

    Thanks leaf. I know that I've got this 'sort of all clear' but it doesn't feel like a weight off my mind. It feels just like the waiting period - I'm hoping that in a few weeks it will reduce but I'm almost feeling like I've had the biopsy's and now have a 2 month wait for results.

    Hugs.

  • holligoog
    holligoog Member Posts: 75
    edited September 2009

    I didn't want to tell people who were not close friends or family becasue I did not want pitty or "everything will be fine". As time went on though I found it helpful to tell people. Keeping it inside caused me internal anxiety. I found it helpful to start a CaringBridge website to journal.

    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/hollisimpsongough  

    Live like you love it, Love like you mean it!

  • ReneeJean
    ReneeJean Member Posts: 100
    edited September 2009

    I was pretty quiet at work and didn't say anything until after my biopsy.  I told my management team immediately and they told our charge nurses.  From there I told a few close co-workers and then just kind of let it go through the 'grapevine'.   It is not really a great conversation starter--"hi, guess what?  I have BC!".   The support I have had from my co-workers is unbeleivable.  They are the most awesome group ever.  I just felt that they needed to know, but at the same time I wasn't really sure how to tell them.  Now that I am facing Chemo, I have done the same esp since I am not back at work yet.  I told a few and let them get the word out.   Just the way I chose to do it.

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