Starting chemo January 2009?
Comments
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Jess--Big Hugs, and like Alo123 said, we're here to hear and care...beyond bc. I think that our bc struggles/stress can clarify things for us but also raise lots of questions. Are we doing what we want to do? With the right person? etc. Sending you best wishes for working things out.
Sorry about your dd not passing the test. I had my dd take a 3 hour class, which really helped her confidence and took a bit of the edge off for me. She is just going for a quarter abroad through school. If your daughter is interested in talking with her or emailing her with ?s after she gets back in Dec., let me know.
Renrel--Happy Birthday!
Phyllis-Hang in there with the rads. Wow 2x/day must be exhausting. That's great about the free Reiki. I sure need something this minute.
Second day with the students, then on to the class I'm taking. I'm beat. Trying to pace myself.
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Jess, I'm so sorry. We've had a few talks recently too about the changes this brings and how stressful it is on a marriage. We're all here for you.
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Jess - I am sorry that you are feeling sad and that you are in a relationship that has not been very supportive, particularly during the last year. I hope that when whatever is spinning in your life at the moment comes to a stop you find yourself on a path that brings more peace and joy to your life then the one you were on. That may mean a path without your current partner or a path you both walk down together with a different outlook, or something all together different that neither of you have concieved of yet.
When I moved into my new home about a year and a half ago I met a neighbor who told me she was recently seperated and getting divorced. I told her I was sorry. She told me not to be she was soooo happy to be getting out of a marrage that had not been serving her well for years. The divorce has been difficult because, according to her as that is the only side I hear, he has been very difficult. There was a serious fire in their family home and she had to move out with her 17 yr old son. She hoped to rebuild it but because hubby would not cooperated they ended up selling it. The sale just closed recently. But she is doing great and so is her son. She is building her business. He is getting ready for his last year of high school. The lived one town over for most of the year and then moved to an apartment in our neighborhood. I sense she is alive in a way she has not been in a long time and though it has been a very painful, difficult and scary year, she is full of life and smiles when I see her.
Crisis is hard on a marrage, particularly illness where it is hard to join together in the battle, even with a spouse who is more selfless than the one you discribe. One person is trapped in their body and mind fighting for their life and the other is carrying the load of the family life, finances, and trying to help the other one. I think it is easy to get overwhelmed and to lose each other, even in a good marrage. I send you love and strenth to help you through the next step, whatever it may be.
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Jess: My cancer center always talked about the "family" having cancer, not just me. And it is true, everyone is effected and they cope in their own way. I'm sorry you are in this situation now. Perhaps a good therapist can help the two of you navigate these rocky times...whether that is staying together or parting in a way that can salvage what is good in your relationship.
Hugs to you...
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Jess - I'm also sorry to hear that. I know the last year has been really really hard for everybody... spouses, children, US.... I think all of our relationships have been put through the test with this disease... sometimes it takes something like this to make us see the big picture too I think.... if that ends up meaning a new start for you, a new direction, I wish you nothing but the best.... and yes, we are all here for you...
Renrel - Happy Birthday!!
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Hey everybody! I am feeling pretty well physically but I am definately feeling more emotional lately. Last night I got an awful headache, in my sinuses, and I felt some much worse emotionally from it than I should have. I think a part of me feared that it was a sign of cancer spreading to my brain even though that was pretty ridiculous given that it was a new sudden pain which I had not given any chance to just go away normally. Maybe the fact that I am reading a book for my book club where the wife is dying of brain cancer effected me. I also was frustrated that the Reiki was doing nothing and that I was letting my Mom's negativity about Reiki make me feel less confident in it. And I was upset with myself for eatting nothing but candy all day. And of course the fact that Friday is DS last day in the preschool he has been in for almost 4 years is getting to me since I hate transitions. I am fine once they happen but I am drawn to status quo. And I think I dreamed last night that I was pregnant but the baby was dead inside me. A still birth but I had to keep it inside me till it was ready to be born. And I went into labor, but I was not very big because of the fact that the baby was dead. I remember discussion with the midwife whether I wanted to have a vaginal birth or a C-Section. I am sure this dream has some symbolic meaning but I am too tired to really dwell on it. I also was looking ahead in my calendar to schedule work and decided not to schedule any hours of work for October 1, 2009, which is when I got "the call" last year. September was when I had the kidney stones and yeast infection that sent me to the doctor where I had a breast exam which started me on the road back to health, even though I did not realize I was sick at the time and the road was going to make me feel alot sicker before it made me feel better. So I guess just being in September is getting to me a bit. I might make an appointment with a Social Worker at the hospital, but I am not sure what I want to say. I think I would like to go to a support group and see if I can talk about some of this with my voice as well as with my computer keyboard as I do here.
Oh, I don't think I mentioned that I have scheduled my surgury date for the recon/exchange. October 21st with a pre op on the 8th. I am glad I waited a year to finish my breasts. I am just recently starting to dislike how I look without clothes and realizing that I probably do want nipples, even if I won't have this nice smooth look under clothes anymore. I am really growing to hate the hard unnatural feeling of the expanders. I am not sure what I want from my implants but I am sure they will be better that what I have at the moment.
OK thats enough of letting my fingers to the talking. I am going to get ready for bed.
Hope you are all having a good day.
Renrel
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Hi ladies. Well, I made it thru my first week of rads. One this afternoon still. Its going well. Going twice a day isn't bad, a 15 min. drive and I'm not getting side effects. Although, I think I'm finally getting hot flashes.
Jess-I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. I will be praying for both of you. This year had to be tough on both of you. My husband has been a blessing. He's been there for me thru everything. Even yesterday, he took half a day off to take me to an appt. downtown and we waited 21/2 hrs to see the doctor. We weren't too happy. I had to rush home to get to my rad appt. anyways, good luck to you. Take care of yourself.
have a great weekend.
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Hi Evewryone: Catching up after a very busy beginning to the new school year. I have hit another wall and have not handled it well emotionally. I finished rads on Wednesday last week and can not remember ever being sooooo happy. I practically ran out of the hopsital shouting I'm done I'm done. Hugged my DS so tight his head almost came off and could not stop crying...It was a wonderful feeling. I think that is why I crashed and burned when a week later I woke in more pain than I have had felt in a long time. Long story short...I have an infection in the breast in which I had surgery. Rads dr. put me on high dose of keflex and I am not waiting for it to work. I expected results by now and am feeling sad and terrified that this NEVER ends!!! Well now that I finally got caught up reading and was ready to motor with the mouth my little grandbaby needs me. pain meds are keeping me functioning just barely and have missed two days of school already. My sister (the nurse) said these type of infections usually require iv antibotics so I am really hoping I don't end up in hospital again. Called dr. and said 48 hrs. on meds and no change. They told me told to wait a few more days so.....while they are off enjoying their labor day weekend I am feeling like crap mentally and physically. And to top it off I spent my birthday in bed yesteday crying most of the day and wondering if this is my last birthday on earth. Okay sorry drowning in my pity pot. Gotta go feed Aislynn and cheer myself up. Love to you all.
Patti
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Oh Patti, I am so sorry to hear that a time that was supposed to be great (done with rads!!) has now turned into a nightmare for you. I hope the antibiotics start to do their job and you don't have to be on IV antibiotics in the hospital. Happy belated birthday! This is definetly not your last birthday on earth
You will have a much better birthday next year, I just know it My birthday is on Tuesday, turning 34....I am so happy to just be able to be here and have more birthdays. I'll never look at getting older as a bad thing ever again. Hugs to you Patti, feel better soon! -
Hi everyone. I am glad to have a nice long weekend after returning to meetings at school. I had a root canal and I have to say, I took more pain meds this time than I did during my mastectomy! lol
I just want to say thank you for all your words of encouragement and support. I needed it!
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Patti, I am sorry that you ran into a detour right at the end of this treatment journey. So incredibly frustrating. I think that it may also be the fact that we are coming to the anniversaries of our diagnosis that it hitting you. I know I feel much more emotional lately and worry more about whether I will be here to miss my son going off to college like I miss him going off to Kindergarden right now.
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Today on the playground DS met a boy about 6 mths older than him and they were talking. DS pointed DH and I out as the old folks sitting on the bench. He noted my gray hair and when on to explain to this person he just met in the last 5 minutes that my hair is gray due to chemo. That my hair fell out because of chemo and is growing back gray. The boy was confused and asked if someone cut my hair off. So DS patiently explained that I had breast cancer and had to have chemo which is a medicine that makes your hair fall out. And he does it all so matter of factly. I don't think the boy he was talking to knew what to make of him. He just wanted someone to play super hero with, of course DS also confused him there as well since DS believes he actually IS a superhero, but one he created out of his imagination, not one out of a comic book. They boys worked it out though and found some common ground. They discovered that they were both Jewish, both had Leap Frog, both had the computer came Jump Start, and both get silly if they spin around for too long.
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Patty- Oh Cr@p, excuse my language, but you just have to get better asap, and really treat yourself to a great birthday present. I'm so sorry. I don't think your celebrating ending rads caused it--you deserved to celebrate and feel what you were feeling. I'm glad you have that grandbaby to cuddle.
I think Renrel is right about the upcoming anniversaries adding to the emotion. Today is the day my nurse practitioner found my smaller lump just 2 months after my neg. mammogram (yup I'm still beating that dead horse). A whole year. Unbelievable. I wish I could feel more optimistic. I try to be so with my family and friends because I don't want to be a drag to be around--and I think I'm pretty successful. Not so much today. At least I can share all my feelings here.
Had a full week with my little Kinders. Love them Have one HUGE challenge on my special ed caseload. Already designated Emotionally disturbed in preschool. Special ed preschool teacher can't give me any hints on how to help integrate into the class with the others--nothing worked for her and she's amazed he's in our class. Other than that I love my co-teacher, school, and other school staff. Really takes the mind off bc.
Hugs to all, Kim
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I noticed a few of us mentioning birthdays. Just curious, how many Virgos in this group?
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Patti, so sorry to hear about the infection. Hope it clears up with the antibiotics you are on and that you feel better soon. It does seem like the SE's from what we've gone through will never end.
Jess, thinking of you this weekend and hope you find some peace and quiet and time to regenerate before school starts
Renrel: story of DS on the playground made me smile. You and DH must have done a good job helping him through this.
Kim, sounds like you're starting the year with your hands full, ouch. I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming anniversary too. I think I almost get a panic attack, find myself getting a little SOB just thinking about it. I'm hoping it fades with time and the fear of recurrence fades with time. Right now it is there a lot of the time and just try to keep on moving despite it.
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Patti: Hope your infection is clearing. I think our physical and psychological resilience is challenged after all we've been through. I think, in our own way, each of us "crash and burn' at some point -- then we get back up and carry on... think it is cycle we will all have for some time.
renrel: Love the DS playground story -- what a treasure, your DS.
This week will be busy for me -- see my med onc on Tues, my gyn on Thurs - post-op ooph visit, then my breast surgeon to plan BRCA2 surveillance. I am finally coming out of my slump after learning genetic status. Helped to get the ooph done and learn all the cells were healthy and normal - no atypical or cancerous cells. Knew the chance was slim, but ya can't help but think about it. I am hoping there will be no surprises this week!
We will get through these anniversaries, Jewels -- and MANY MORE.
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Aww Patti... so sorry to hear you hit a wall .... but this will NOT be your last birthday
I think every single one of us is dealing with those dark thoughts at different times... hang in there.... you finished RADS.. woohoo!! Have a great holiday weekend Jewels!!!
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I know exactly how you feel Patti. This d*** disease.
Kmmd, holtbolt, jilly , Kim- thanks for your words of encouragement. I am so glad to have this day off. I am going to take my dd driving again. Yesterday We went with a guy with a brake on his side just because I refused to get in the car with her again because she freaked me out last time and then she failed her test. It has been VERY hard for her to "fail" ; school came to her so easy....Gettin her into University of Penn is easier! Can you believe it!!! What irony! At least if she is in Philadelphia, she will have the subway~!
That is the one aspect I miss about living in the bay area of northern California. No need to drive around in a car. I took the trolly, the bus, and BART. Loved it, miss it.
I hope you all have a nice day.
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Jess, U of Penn, congratulations to you and DD. That is a wonderful acomplishement, you must be so proud
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Thank you Kmmd- But I gotta say, Uof M is much more affordable. At least she has a couple of choices.
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Patti--hope those antibiotics have kicked in and kicked those germs butts.
Kathy--Great news on the all-clear! I have my braca blood test kit sitting on the table. I'm going to try for this week.
Jess--Wow! Congratulations to your dd on the colleges! She starts next year?
My kids are better at the public transit around here than I am. It's gotten so expensive to ride BART!!
My dd takes her driver test tomorrow--she'll be 20 in Nov. and I guess feels it's time. She's taking it near where I work, and I had her drive there yesterday, practice in the area where they make you go in reverse for 100 feet, and then she drove me to Lakeshore Learning, then Costco for my new glasses (hooray--I can see!!!). She did ok but is VERY nervous about tomorrow. I guess she and my son will drop me at school then go to the test.
When I got my glasses yesterday the tech said, You sure have a nice short haircut. TOld her it wasn't exactly my choice! Turns out her dad had colon cancer 3 years ago (and spread to nodes) and is still ok. My daughter talked me into getting a box of organic hair color. Don't know if I'll use it--Walked with a friend on Friday whose 16 yr old daughter said she though my hair looks good!
Well, I need to figure out a behavior chart for my 5 year old boss at school, then try to enjoy some of what's left of this beautiful weekend. At least I'll be getting out for dinner with friends.
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Kim, you know I was just mentioning that to DH yesterday. I appreciate people being nice and telling me my short short hair looks good, and some are probably sincere, but its like fingers down a chalk board to me. I associate it with being sick and chemo. This hair cut was not a choice, it was forced on me and I hate it. It really is not helpful to have people remind me of it all day long, I'd rather forget about it and keep on moving.
Jess, yes in state I'm sure is cheaper. But, how wonderful for DD and you that she will have that choice.
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Yes, Kmmd---you are right. I am grateful she has a choice. Now we just gotta get her safe in the car!!!!!
First day today with students. Every year we go on an overnight with students and this year we are going to stay in a submarine! Of course we won't be going anywhere-just in the water next to a dock; it is always interesting to be with students when they are away from home.
Hope you all had a nice Labor Day. Mine was quiet, which is just what I needed.
Hey, anyone heard from ddlatt????
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Jess- My husband is a graduate of U of P undergraduate and the Wemba Executive Program and my cousin also graduated U of P (he went on a soccer scholarship.) It is an excellent school, but I hear you on price. Don't know how we will pay for it in 13 years time. By then it will cost a half a million for a good under graduate school and we suspect that DS will also get into some great schools easily, though it is course hard to say what will be so many years ahead. But when your kindergardener is working on the 9times table because they think that is fun and reading 2nd and 3rd grade books without a problem you kind of start to think you better be saving up some pennies to pay for someplace like Harvard. DS did wonderfully today. He was sooooo excited. Not scared at all. Rode the bus, made new friends, learned new games and did not want to leave when I picked him up from his afterschool program at close to 6:00.
I have a cough which I am hoping is just alergies but of course a part of me worries that it is something much worse.
Three of my art therapy pieces and one of my poems have been chosen to be exibited at my hospital. They are doing and exibit of patient and caregiver art. It will be fun to see my stuff on the walls there.
Thats my update, I need to go read through all the papers the teacher sent home and make a school lunch. My new evening chores.
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Renrel: love hearing about DS, and happy the beginning of the school year is going well for all of you. It is probably allergies, but do get it checked out if it sticks around a couple of weeks. Piece of mind if nothing else.
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It will be interesting to see where dd ends up in school. So appreciative of everyone's responses to our situation.
Renrel--That's cool-your hubby went to U of P ! We hope to find some source of financiall support if she goes there.
Bkim--Yes, DD starts next year AND she really has to get her license. We are opting for a Loooooong bus ride to her college class. Her friend who was "driving" her dropped the class. I don't like to have her driving that much anyway~! Gosh, I am thinking I need to move back to the city! LOL!!!!
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Hi all,
Good to see some of the Jewels still posting. Renrel: you're making me feel nostalgic -- those kindergarten days where wonderful. I now have an independent college student who hardly seems to need me anymore. We raised him to be self-sufficient and I am proud of that.. but I sure could use an excited little boy racing in the house to tell me all about his day. Good thing I have one right next door - my little buddy and his little sister - they keep me in fridge art and flowers.
Saw my med onc yesterday. Gotta love those normal labs and a normal post rad chest x-ray. I asked if he was aware my breast surgeon called and wants to manage my surveillance -- I thought maybe he had coordinated this, but he knew nothing about it. He and the other oncs in his clinic believe surveillance with my BRCA2 status is reasonable and that bilat mast is overkill at this point. He is afraid she is going to recommend bilat mastectomy and I will then have conflicting opinions. Guess I am curious how I got back on her radar --- might have been the care conference where he discussed my case.... will find out tomorrow as I have an appt at 10AM. I am a little uneasy about this now as my med onc is my "quarterback" and I value his opinion without question....sure don;t want my team at odds with one another...with me in the middle. this is awkward.
Might stop by to see my genetics counselor while I am there. Going to bring my signature cookies to the rad staff and stop by the breast center. Then I'm planning a little retail therapy with my credit card
.Have a good rest of the week!
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OOOh, signature cookies??? I have to say I have begun to eat so much better since dx. I mean, I was never really baaaad, but I never really took the time to make food as much as I am now. OUr garden is really good this year and I am having fun picking tomatoes , peppers and cilantro for a bit of fresh salsa.
HOpe you all have a nice Thrusday evening, Friday and a great weekend. I am off to volunteer at a music / arts festival a few miles from our house. I am glad to note the weather is going to hold out.
One more month and it will be one year since dx. WOW. Then I go for a six month check up...yikes! oooh, irgh, stresss!!!!!
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Hi Jewels.
My breast surgeon spent an hour with me today. She gets all my test results, that;s why she called about my BRCA results. She is on the same page as my med onc. Feels I have lowered my risk all I can with the treatment I had. I have "perfect" breasts for surveillance - normal tissue and not overly abundant ---- my exam was normal. She pulled up my MRI from last Nov , with the very obvious cancer area - and other "active" areas. That may be due to the HRT I was on. She wants to see how it looks after chemo/rads and AIs - I am scheduled for Mammogram & MRI on Sept 22 -- trying not to get nervous yet, but it is hard not too be apprehensive.
I did get a good dose of retail therapy! Credit card is still smokin!! LOL!
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kt57: that all sounds good and must be a relief
Jess: you're making my mouth water. Nothing like fresh tomatoes from the garden, you absolutely can not buy the same thing in the store.
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Hey Jewels...
Can't believe it (still sinking in) but I have a recon surgery date of 10/6 down in NOLA. 3 weeks from now? Yikes. I was going to wait... but I am lucky to be going there and I think it might be better for me just to get it over with and move on. Stage 1 surgery 10/6, Stage 2 the second week of December... so maybe when the year is out, I'll be done with all of this.
Hope you all are well... have a great weekend!
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