Talking about it

 Doe, I just want to preface my reply - I am not saying this response pertains to you!! I don't want you to think that I think you resemble my first remarks b/c that's not the case!

No one likes to hear about "a problem," be it relationship trouble, family, work...even cancer when the one venting just drones on and on and on and on... and when it's just churning over the same stuff or being negative (and yes, I realize that cancer is negative!! lol), even our closest friends will stop calling. Part of this is b/c it's annoying and part of it is because they don't like to be reminded that it could happen to them. I have certainly been on the "venting" end of more than my share of these conversations, so I try to be supportive when my friends need to talk. However, if no progress is being made and the conversations are nothing more than "woe is me," it is tiresome, even to someone who has been down this road herself.

I think people just don't understand what a cancer diagnosis is until they live it and by "live it," I dont' mean "have a friend / aunt / former teacher who has it." We have to figure out how to incorporate cancer and the long term fears we have into our lives and hopefully most people will be patient and helpful. Some aren't, and in my case, those people have been booted from my life. One was a bc survivor herself, and a long time friend. She couldn't deal with her own dx, so she certainly couldn't deal with mine. I called her in a teary panic one evening before I had surgery - called all her numbers and e-mailed her and to this day, she's never gotten back to me. Bye. 

As for you personally, Doe, I think the "putting it in a box" happens naturally over time. You're only 2 years from dx, and this is the anniversary of when you were diagnosed and probably about the time you finished up the bulk of treatment last year. This is a really sensitive and emotional time for you and it will probably be that way for a long time. I'm coming up to the 4th anniversary of when I finished chemo and 4 years of being on tamoxifen. May will be the 5 year mark of diagnosis, just to give you some insight to where I am now. I've not talked about BC unless it comes up for a couple years. I have some friends who talk more about it and some less. Mostly, for now, it's taken a spot in a compartment and it's no longer overwhelming.

I was on BCO every day for a couple years. This place is wonderful for when you need to talk b/c everyone understands. No one blows smoke up your butt either... so it's refreshing to have real, honest to goodness, realistic, practical advice and the prayers of loving people. I would come here as long as necessary and if you think it would help, move from talking about your situation specifically to maybe starting to address women who are newly diagnosed or about to start a surgery, reconstruction or chemo that you've done. If you've already done that, yay! I remember that the responses I received by women who were 2 years out were like a miracle to me b/c I really thought I'd be dead in a week when I was diagnosed. You will still be able to talk about yourself, but it's in a different way. I think it's a good way to start moving through the fear b/c you'll find yourself telling them, "Hey, the fear is still there, but it's less and I'm here and doing fine!" 

I don't think you should ignore or hide from the topic but when people start feeling like it's all about me and not about them, theyget annoyed. Even if it's not very nice. xo

Erica

I am certainly not trying to flame or upset anyone, and I am choosing my words carefully.

Each of us handles our breast cancer diagnosis and treatment differently, both physically and emotionally.

Those of us who have developed lymphedema (which is for life, and it is very visible with our compression garments, etc., and all the questions we are asked about them) have a little harder time "putting it away" and not talking about it.  Caring for our lymphedema takes hours each and every day of MLD, wrapping, donning and doffing compression garments, etc.  And we constantly worry about taking care of our arm(s), often must argue with our healthcare provider that no, they cannot do a blood pressure or draw blood from that (or both) arms.  We also must be very careful with even little paper cuts so as not to get an infection or cellulitis and end up in the hospital on IV anti-biotics. 

Tina, I don't think its as much "personality/biochemistry" as a matter of having to live with the disabling after effects of our breast cancer treatment.  In addition to the fear of recurrence.

Lymphedema is so like having breast cancer--if you don't have it, you could never understand just what  an impact it has on your life.

While I don't care to discuss my "medical history" with anyone, I am asked daily by someone new what those gloves/sleeves are for, do I have an injury?   And then I am also asked by dear friends "How long will you have to keep wearing those?"

This makes it all a lot harder to put away and not talk about.

Just my $.02 on the subject.  Hope I have not offended anyone.

Doe, your question is a reasonable one.

I came here and continue to come for a couple of reasons.  First, I came to find out what to expect from chemotherapy from women who had gone through it.  Then, I needed information about reconstruction.  This has been ongoing as I have had several recon surgeries.  This site is invaluable for learning options and what to expect, good and bad.

Then, I met a few women here whose cyber-company I enjoyed.  Coupled with the fact that I work alone, it was nice for chatting about light issues.  If you look over my voluminous past postings, you will see that most of them concern hair and makeup and fashion, etc.  Pretty light fare.  I also have participated in discussions concerning reconstruction.  Mostly I have stuck to these topics and it's been a nice diversion. 

Every now and then I wade into deeper waters, as I did today.  My reason for answering your post was to point out different reactions to similar experiences.  Sometimes hearing differing viewpoints can help solidify or help us re-organize our own thoughts, feelings, etc.  I know I often have that experience.  There I was thinking I was the center of the universe, and golly, it was somewhere else all along!  Humbling experience but necessary.

You and Jane have burdens to bear that I have not.  Visible signs of damage and disease take away the option of keeping your own counsel, and I would just hate that.  It is a different issue, though, than wanting or needing to talk about your disease or experiences with it with persons in your world and then being disappointed by the reactions of your friends and loved ones, never mind acquaintances.  That is where some profound personality differences come in, I believe.

Anyway, I take no offense at your question and I hope I have answered it.

I wholeheartedly agree with lovemyfamily! This is such a great open and honest DISCUSSION with much to be gained by each unique experience and viewpoint. I opened the thread because emotionally, I experience many moments similar to lionessdoe. Starting from waking up one morning to go (or run in quick) to get your annual mammogram and coming home shellshocked! I'm still doing Herceptin after bilateral mx and 4 rounds of chemo. Just beginning to get fills and just began Aromosin. In other words, I still have a ways to go before I even have a vision of that "box" this chapter of my life can go into. I am however, over "the worst" and even show signs of curls growing on this formerly bald head. So, hooray to progress and getting through and basically over the shock of what this last year has been.

 I am surprised though at how difficult this "next step" back to real life can be.We are all a culmination of our life experiences and certainly this one has an added punch! And I imagine that being infintely harder for those with LE issues. My heart goes out to you ladies. I really liked Poppy's suggestion to be of help to those newly diagnosed. One, we can immediately identify with that terror of having been told you have cancer and realize that as bad as we feel at that moment, we at least once again have some sense of control in our lives. There's nothing worse than being in that state of shock and fear that we've lost control of our bodies. I've often heard that the best thing to do when you're feeling bad is to make yourself available to help someone else. I believe that is proven time and time again on these boards. We grow and learn from each other by just being there for one another in what can be a very lonely place. What a gift to read that we all must trudge through at our own pace, encouraged by the sisters before us who reached the other side. Most importantly, I know I've learned to be infinitly more patient with MYSELF and accept whatever feelings I am experiencing. I know for myself, THAT is a trait that was absolutely foreign to me and I am so thankful the lightbulb finally went off!

Thank you all for being here.

When someone is diagnosed with post traumatic stress symdrome the treatment it: talk therapy.  OK, antidepressants, too.

With any other diagnosis, talking about it is not recognized as part of recovery, or support during treatment, and God forbid, recurrance.

You are facing exactly what most everyone has faced at this time after diagnosis.  You have looked your mortality in the  face and looked deep into it's eyes. YOU HAVE HAD FREEKIN CANCER !

Now, if it had been a gallbladder, ovarian cyst, or large pimple on your butt, you would have been treated and barring complications, you'd be "over" it.  That is just NOT the case.

Of course, no one wants to listen to any discussion about it.  It scares the shit out of everyone and they want to keep believing that you can respond just like you do to gallbladder surgery---pain, surgery, pain, over it.

IF, big IF, you are asked how you are, they expect the "normal" response: fine, and you?  So, give them what they want, and come on back here.

I'm almost 7 years out and don't talk about it much at all unless it relates to something.  I do discuss it here.  hell, my family and friends don't even want to hear about any news articles having to do with bc.

Let them stay in their own little world and you come here to our world.  You still have a ways to go and things to learn.  You also have a HUGE amount to share with newbies.  You are close enough to diagnosis and treatment to be of amazing benefit to those who are where you were a year or two years ago.

Offering experience and information is the most wonderful healing you can offer yourself.  It reinforces how much you have learned and the bridges that you have alread crossed.  Hou have come a long way baby (sorry, but it does work to cover a lot of area) Use your expertise to help those who are beginning the long hard road to where you are now.  You will be great at it, I just know it.

Keep calm and carry on, as the Brits would say..