Starting chemo January 2009?

Hello all. Renrel, love the new avatar.  Just a quick note.  Been a busy morning.  I was just looking at the clock and how I need to get to the next meeting.  And it hit me.  I've been up and busy and concentrated long enough with my stupid chemo brain to get so much done I didn't want to stop and  now need to hurry to the next meeting.  Plus, feeling strong enough to be able to rush to it and not have to leave early because my legs were still weak and feet hurt so bad from the neuropathy.  What a great morning.  Never thought I'd be so thankful to be rushing around at work. 

kmmd:  Yah the bangless thing is weird.  Don't mind it around the house - but not "exposed" at work yet.  I did not get curly -- darn it -- but it is black and that is different - only a few stray greys.  It feels like baby hair.  No complaints -- it's hair!

hello everyone. I just returned from a great time--sent off my best friend's son to school, met a bc.org sister- felt great doing that and visited a college my dd wants to attend. I drove along beautiful country and truly forgot I had breast cancer for most of the trip.

I am 5 days into tamoxifen and have broken out into big sweats for the last two days. I can't decide if it's the hot weather or the pills.......I only woke up twice during the 5 days away from home feeling fear and i gotta say , that felt good. It helped to be driving into a big city-Philadelphia- after driving around in the mountains before that. Glad I am typing this, because I just realized i almost forgot to take the tamoxx! ( That is truly a double edged swored, isn't it?

Life is getting more and more busy, even if I am only working part time.  I am doing 16 hours a week this month and next month will increase to 22.5 hours.  But trying to fit in all the fun summer stuff before DS starts Kindergarden and September is going to be crazy with all the new school stuff.  We signed him up for soccer, which will start the first weekend after school starts.  So new school, new after school program and new enrichment program, which all mean new routines, new schedules and new friends.  We also have the Jewish Holidays and a Welcome back to school picnic, and my first 3 mth canser check up, and DH and I plan to go for a quick trip to Texas so DH can attend a reunion for a place he used to work for years ago. It is a great networking opportunity but DH has bad feelings about how this group has become very successfull financially/business wise and he is still struggling to find his path to "success."  That means he is going to be feeling very emotional this month, on top of all the new transitions we are going to be going through.  And of course the anniversary of "the call" is coming up. October 1st. I am thinking I will try to schedule one of my days off for that day and spend some time sitting with what the last year has been and who I am now and how I am dealing with the fact that my illusions of immortality are now shattered and I must learn to accept death as something that will really be part of me experience, sooner or later.  I hope for later, but with canser we of  course spend time worrying that it will be sooner.  But worry is a useless exercise.  We must live in the present moment.  But can that moment include fear of the future?  And must we fear death.  Can I really truely believe that it is just a transition and that the center of what I truely am will remain.  Who am I once my body and my thoughts are removed?  This year has actually, for me, been a lot about trying to figure that out.  I now know who I am without hair and without real boobs, and without good health.  I have worked at quieting my mind, but have not been very successful and now that life is getting busy I am finding it hard to make time for mediation and yoga and Gi Gong and writing and all the good things this year brought me.  I am trying to figure out what is most important and how to hold on to it.  OK, I am not sure where all that just came from. I was just going to drop in and say hello.  Sorry if I weirded anyone out.  I am going to get off and go to sleep now. I hope to get up in time for yoga in the morning.  I will miss it next weekend.

JillyG and Jess, for me the vag discharge hasn't been too bad, but hotflashes, hoo boy, over 3 months and still going.

Plutz, how frustrating,

Renrel: I had a moment like that last night. I think we do have to spend that time alone, because I've found that even my closest friends and family just can't think about it returning, don't want to hear about it, and sometimes we do have to deal with that possibility.  Not dwell on it maybe, but be allowed to think about it and deal with it.  Where that line gets drawn between wallowing and dwelling and dealing and accepting sure seems to be different for me then it is for others.

My Onc warned me not to get my eyes checked until after chemo and into tamox because things change so much. Couldn't take it anymore and went in.  My eye doc was amazed at how my script had changed.  I was amazed at how much better I can see with the new contacts. Wish I'd gone in sooner

Yup-no bangs either! I put some rogaine on the receding temple area yesterday, but it dripped onto my forehead and now I'm worried I'll look like wolfman. Already the hair on my face seems longer than on my head, but very light. I actually went over it with a razor.

Jess--travel is great, and there were times when I forgot bc for a bit. What a relief. Glad you had a good time. The hot flashes for me with the arimidex can be amazing! Even during the day now. My onc last week said he could prescribe Efflexor, which is also an antidepressent. Might be a good idea on both fronts, but I want to wait to see if I'm able to sleep once school starts. I'm not ready!!

Phyliss-did you get the ibandronate or the "chlodronate (sp?)? The only trouble for me with the pill (ibandronate) is that I can't eat for 1/2 hr after and have to stay upright. I hope I can get up early enough once school starts again. So far I've just had some bone/muscle aches off and on (but onc says could be the arimidex) and some indigestion. He said to go back on the Protonix.

Renrel-Good luck with the increased hours. I know what you mean about the difficulties in quieting the mind once we get back to our busy lives again. I'm going to try to set some time aside to sit and reflect. As far as worry--I'm a basket case, but my genetic counseling gave me some really good advice. She said that the result of worry is like a little trench the rain makes in our brain, and that the worry is the rain that makes it get bigger and bigger and more destructive. It takes a conscious effort to acknowledge that it is worry and then say go away and fill the trench in will gravel (positive thoughts, for example). I liked that analogy. Also, my rad onc yesterday said that in five years I'll wish I hadn't worried so much! I guess I still haven't accepted that my diagnosis changed so much in just a few weeks almost one year from now (Sept. 18 official phone call day). I was early stage one and then wham, 3 nodes and 3 tumors! Letting the scary percentages go is what's hard for me, and I think that coming to terms with my place in this universe is really key.

kmmd--Had to have my eyes checked last week cuz the coating is disintegrating on my glasses and I can't see very well. Surprisingly my vision didn't change!! I guess it was just the coating!! Also I mentioned that no cataracts, which can result from steroids.

Holtbolt-I know what you mean about the second guessing. I'm just getting the genetic blood test and I'm thinking, Why now! (for my kids, more than anything I guess). I hadn't heard that endometriosis is linked to bc, but gald she fixed it. A friend my mine had tube scaring from it and had in vitro to conceive.

Renrel:  Are you living in my head?  I know exactly what you are saying. My head goes to the strangest places.   what if i am not here in 5 years / what will I miss?   Will my life insurance be enough to get my boy through college and will my husband manage without my income?  I wonder who he will connect with?  I hope she treats him good.  So-and-so is single..she would be good for him.   How will my son do without a mom?   He's almost 21, he's got a good head on his shoulders, I raised him to be independent and self-sufficient.  heck, I lost my parents when I was 25; I managed.  Wow...I can't divert my thoughts fast enough sometimes.   

And then I look around at people who are suffering every day and perseverving and I just want to kick myself.   I HAD cancer... I may never have cancer again..... I am not mentally ill, disabled or have a chronic disease.   I have a great job ( with great health insurance), a great family, and I want for nothing.   I endured a tough 8 months, I am stronger for it.   My priorities have changed -- the little insignificant cr@p doesn't matter anymore.  

 I do worry this will come back, moreso since the BRCA came back positive -- it is downright scary to think about a recur or new bc.  I'll do what I need to right now -- arimidex, oophorectomy, imaging and clinical exam every 6 months.....and try like heck to not stress out every 6 months.    Oh yah, and keep my stress under control and eat right and exercise.  

This week I got a call from my breast surgeon -- out of the blue - haven't heard from her since she called with my path report in Nov.  She wants me to come in for an appt to plan my surveillance and exams. The breast center I am connected with has weekly care conferences, and the NP that coordinates the center has kept my case on the agenda.  So my surgeon called to offer to  be the person examining me every 6 months -- I am so reassured by this -- she only does breast surgery, so if anyone is going to detect something, it's going to be her.   

Well Jewels, good to hear from everyone.  As always, thanks for "listening". 

hello Jewels!  It seems like it's been forever since I've caught up on the posts....WOW!  Lots of interesting stuff here.  I would love some bangs....maybe a few more months?

I had my implants put in last Thursday.  They are much better than the expanders were.  Much softer...

I'm still a little tired and in minor pain but I think I will be fine by the end of the week.  It was not fun going in for surgery...it made me remember going in for the initial surgery.  UGH....

I hope everyone is enjoying the last of the summer....

Hi everyone, seems like a long time since I have been here.  It looks like everyone is well on the way to the rest of our lives.  I am so happy to hear that things are getting back to somewhat normal for everyone.   I have been very busy since treatment is complete.  

I had my follow-up with the oncologist and everything is good.  Blood work came back clear.  I will have my port removed on Friday.   It seems such a part of me, I am not sure how I will feel.  

I still have to wait a while for the reconstruction.  PS says at least 6 months after rads.  That puts me around December.   Maybe new boobs for Christmas!  

I started Femara this week.  Is anyone else on that drug?  I was amazed at how much it cost.  My new insurance plan requires that I meet my deductible before my co-pays kick in.  Won't take long at that rate.   I'm looking at $10 per pill.  Anyone else have experience with this?  I hope I'm not getting ripped off.   5 years of that every day is going to be VERY expensive. 

I am also getting a bit of hair, although it seems to be growing very slowly.  No bangs here either.  Salt & pepper for me.   I have always highlighted my hair so that won't be anything new.  I do have lashes and brows.  They seem to have come in pretty quickly.  I agree that the hair on our heads should come in as quickly as that on the face and legs.  LOL............

I had my sons and grandsons here for 5 days last week.   It was so much fun.  I am exhausted, but I wouldn't have traded the time for anything.  My oldest grandson passed his drivers test in NY yesterday.  His brother is a couple years down the road, but I am almost glad I don't live closer.  I'd be a nervous wreck all the time.   At least this way what I don't know doesn't hurt me. 

This has been an experience none of us will ever forget and I thank God everyday we had each other to lean on.  I hope everyone continues to do well.  It is hard to keep your mind from going to the dark side, but we must try to stay positive and stay focused on everything good. 

Love to all you Jewels.   Brenda    

Hi everyone.  I just spent three days on professional development at work, several days looking for a new car, and spent many more in a car with my dd driving.  (yikes!!!)  She has the same frustrating lack of decent depth perception as I do, and has very strange ideas about what is safe/not safe.  Monday is driver's test and I am happy to say I am not worrying about my own personal test results!!!! 

Got some blood results. My vit. D. is still low normal, so I continue to take 2000 mg D3. Tumor markers in normal range, so that's good.  

Jess--Good luck to your daughter Monday. My 19 yr old has yet to get her license, but wants to in the next 3 weeks before her school starts (not that she'll need it when she heads to Oxford for the quarter--I can't imagine learning to drive on the "wrong" side!). We ended up letting her drive lots on our long road trip. It was nerve wracking at first since she'd never been on the freeway!

Good luck with school starting! We were in meetings/prepping all last week, but school starts Monday. I don't think I'll wear my wig!

Hugs to all the Jewels!

Well had my bilat. mast. with immediate reconstruction on Aug 7.  Came home on the 11, drains out in one week.  Orginal tumor was gone but did find DCIS on the other side sure am glad we did bilateral.  Getting around good, feeling better each day.

Well, dd did NOT pass her driving test.  She not only blew through ONE stop sign but also blew through .......drum roll....keep it going she blew throught TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I realized right then and there the chic is NOT ready!!!  LOL!!

Renrel: happy BD.  Funny you mention that, I was just reading aloud a passage to DH last week from a book on Yoga by Rodney Yee.  He said people doing it get too caught up in whether the poses are being done right. Said Yoga isn't about form, it is about the experience and breathing, connecting to self, and enjoying the movement.  Found that to be such a freeing thing.  To be connecting to self and meditating and not worrying about how straight my legs and arms are when I'm doing it. I would think with the work you've put into Reiki that you'd be very good at yoga.

Jess, read your post and told DH, I love that this is what we're talking about on our chemo thread now, what our kids are up to.

Oh well, procrastinated enough, have a deadline at work today so better get to it.

Everyone have a nice day. 

Yes it is truly wonderful to be talking about other topics.  Yes, My dd is very "mad " at me for failing.  I am seeking out a school to give her some extra hours to get her ready.  I don't know what else to do because it just becomes a big argument with her and so she misses valuable instruction ........I also have a hard time not coaching her....so.......

On a sad note, I think my marriage is ending.  It has always been a rocky one, but I think now the changes affecting me have too much for him.  He has always been self absorbed, so the idea of caring about another person is a problem. It was always horrible whenever he took me to any kind of treatment, hospital for surgery, or hospital visit to a doctor.  I usually went with a very dear friend.  That made a huge difference for me....to have support.  I am , of course, sad, but also very relieved.  I will talk more about it later.