This scares me some to post this..

Just take it one day at a time, enjoy each day, forget about yesterday and all its "stuff" good & bad, don't worry about tomorrow since you can't do anything about it.

Yes cancer will always be "there" some where in your head, and I doubt that it is possible to turn that voice/thought off all together, just try to turn the volume down as much as you can. Don't be afraid of the emotions- let them out because keeping things in will only make matters worse and give you a bad tummy ache if not ulcers.

Treatments are hard, a reminder of what is going on, but those treatments are keeping us alive.

Hugs and prayers for you all. Know that you are never alone and with a little help, you can do anything, get thru anything.

Laura, I know exactly how you feel. You just want it to be over and done with.  At first there is so much support and calls and visits and then as time wears on you feel like it will never end and you just get plain tired of it all.  I think this is normal and it is a long time and if you are like me you kind of feel like you have no control over anything in your life.  I just have to trust that God knows what is going on and will support me if I just let Him.  We are all here for you and do understand how you feel.  It is a very very long road.  Hugs and Blessings, Kathy

Laura,

I can relate to your being frustrated with the length of tx. I found my lump Jun 8th 2007. that day will be with me forever.  I had to finish my Herceptin tx in Jun 2008 due to ses.  I have been dealing with tx of the ses since then. I just saw my PS on Thursday and we are postponing my recon surgeies once again due to the ses. I have always been independent and not prone to emotional outbursts. Now I am taking 3 different anti-anxiety drugs and I have been dx with PTSD. I am also on Neurontin, Methadone, and Percocet for chronic pain.

The only issues that I had prior to dx was my allergy related asthma. I am allergic to cats and own 5 of them. I got the cats before I developed the allergy, so there was no way that I could get rid of the babies.  I didn't need anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressants, or pain meds until after I started tx. 

When I was dxed I thought the worst thing that I would have to face would be the surgery.  I came into this journey ready to take the chemo adn the rads and not have them bother me. I was active,  in good shape, and felt strong enough to take on the world.  I never expected to develop so many complications from the 2 surgeries that I have already had, the 2 rounds of chemo (AC&Taxol), and the 7 wks of rads, and still not be finished with tx... but ....

Funny, how things change.  I have also had friends taht are constantly relating how some friend of a friend had bc and they breezed thru tx in record time and are doing great now. Well, I am happy for them but I didn't breeze thru it. I am still dealing with it. I still ahve the port in my chest, in case we resume teh Herceptin. Onc thinks we may try agian if my heart condition clears up.  I still have the expander in my chest.  I still have the risk of recurrence due to stopping the Herceptin tx.   I am unemployed and on disability. The chronic pain of neuropathy and breathlessness from CHF are with me every waking moment. and Those are frequent. I am an insomniac now.  As a result every day that I am here, I am reminded of my cancer.  Hopefully that too shall pass.

I am single and my family lives far away. Theyare very supportive but they are not here. They do not understand what it is like to start tx thinking that everything will be over in 1-1/2 to 2 years adn to still find yourself in tx 2 yrs later with an end nowhere in sight.  Unfortunately, they want to blame the doctors for incompetence.  Who knows why this had to drag on so long? At this point I don't care I am just tired.

Hugs to all ofyou! I have to go for another mammo on the good breast this next week and another MUGA heart scan adn an appt with onc to flush my port the following week.  My onc does not want to schedule a PET until after my surgeries are finished. Meanwhile I do not feel cancer free, I do not feel that I have completed anything yet. Maybe I never will, but I did think once upon a time a long time ago in a world far far away that I would be completely totally finished by now. getting on with my life... I do so understand whatyou are feeling. I nowalso see a psychiatrist, a new development. he is the one that dxed the PTSD. He says that it is perfectly normal to feel this way considering that we are not even POST the trauma. We are still living with it every day.

Again, hugs to all ofyou adn hope that your tx runs smooth and finishes quickly with if not great results at least acceptable results that you can tolerate.Sorry for the typos... my neuropathy is in my hands as well asmy legs. Sometimes they shake as if I had palsy. And sorry for the ranting. It seems that whenever I post they are longwinded posts. Mayhbe because I don't post often.

Laura: I'm having my 1st anniversary of  being DX on Jan 15th. But I think the anniversary that's going to bother me the most is the day that I had my mammogram (Oct 28th) and the Dr saw something "abnormal" and I never found out until Dec 1st. I fell through the cracks as they say.....

The one thing I try to hold onto is who  I was before I was diagnosed. I was happy and  had a great life and yet there was something growing inside of me that I didn't even know was there. It was in me and I was oblivious. So why now, when after numerous tests, I KNOW there's nothing inside me should I feel anxious and scared? But I am. I think only time can heal our minds into trusting our bodies again, but it'll come - day by day. You've come so far, be proud of yourself.

Terri

Laura - I was just asked today if my treatments were over.  Let's see.....I have done chemo and surgery - NO!  I just started rads and I might have some reconstruction done.  I tactfully explained that my treatment will take 1-1/2 years.  What people don't realize is the time needed in between the different treatments and yes....it seems to take forever.  I was diagnosed December 30th last year - Happy New Year to me!  I figure I won't be done with treatments until at least March of next year.

What is strange for me is that as long as I am in treatment I feel like I am fighting this awful BC - my let down for me will be when I am done with treatments and always wondering in the back of my head if I am going to have a recurrence because in my blonde brain I feel as though as long as I am in treatment (like I am now) then I can't have a recurrence.  But once those treatments are over - what then?

I am so looking forward to meeting you in VEGAS!

Laura: I was seeing my BS last week and he said to me with a big smile "Well, soon you won't be coming to the hospital as often and you can get on with your life" and I burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying. The poor man  didn't know what to say. When I finally got a hold of myself I managed to say "the further away I am from the hospital, the more nervous I get" and he replied, "That's funny, most people would say the closer they get to the hospital, the more nervous they get". I guess it's all in the way you look at it. This BC has played with our minds and bodies and changed our lives forever. We have to let go and try to get back to what we were before all this otherwise, IT'S won. And none of us have gone through all we've gone through to throw in the towel just when it's going to get good again....((((HUGS)))) and here's hoping you never let go of that wonderful spirit of yours. YOU'VE HELPED SO MANY, MYSELF INCLUDED - THAT SHOULD KEEP YOU SMILING EVERY DAY............

Terri

Laura,  This whole "cancer thing" is so exhausting!  Not only for our physical beings but our mental state as well.  I have told friends repeatedly when asked how I am doing, that I will be so grateful for the day I can put it all behind me.  I would love to get up in the morning without bc the first thing I think about.  There are constant reminders, from reconstruction issues just getting out of bed, to looking in the mirror and seeing short chemo hair.  One day we all will be able to go on with life and hopefully look back on this time as just a fading memory.  Here's to FADING MEMORIES!!!  Hugs to all.

Kathy

I was just told by my Onc the other day that I was suffering from PTSD. Dx 12/08 with Triple-Neg BC. It's been a long and traumatic road that I have had to basically fight alone (my divorce became final in Feb. 2009- 2 weeks after my first surgery). My Onc put me on an anti-depressant last week. Recently I cry all of the time and that is NOT like me!

I found this poem and I try to focus on the message~

My Battle - My Victory

Yesterday I fought a Battle, But I did not fight alone-

I had a Protector - A Guide, I was never on my own

This enemy came to me suddenly, No warning as to prepare-

And before I knew what happened, this enemy was everywhere.

I felt so overwhelmed; Did no one know my pain?

How could this be happening to me, How did it know my name?

Today I fight this battle, The enemy with me still

It has not yet taken control, Nor has it broke my will

It is hurtful and it is cruel, It doesn't care the damage it causes

It is wearing down my defenses; I can soon count my losses.

It is ruthless and emotionless, Its purpose to destroy

I can not, must not let it, Will not let it have control

Hear me when I tell you, Please listen when I say

I have many scars from this battle; I do struggle from day to day

It takes many things from me; Within my body it has much power

It affects loved ones around me; The battle has become a war

You may not know by looking at me, Then again maybe you can,

That this enemy shows no mercy, I fall when I can no longer stand

It does not care what age you are, or your status here on Earth

It doesn't count your income, or what you think you are worth

This battle that I speak of, CANCER is its name

And because I continue to fight, I will never be the same!

Tomorrow may never come for me; I live only in the present

My life is right here, right now, What I have is this very moment

But I will continue to fight, For I learned down on my knees

is where I fight this battle, It is where God gives me the victory.

Holligoog, what a wonderful poem that truly expresses how we all feel.  It is a constant battle and struggle every day.  Sometimes we don't show these feelings on the outside but they are there on the inside.  Thanks for the post.

Laura, I just found your blog and have enjoyed it so much.  I would love to join you gals in Vegas, but not this year.  Maybe next year.  In your own words.  whooooooooooohoooooooooo, ya'll have a great time and I can't wait to hear details or will it be "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"?????  Hugs to all

Kathy