Spouses that are not there for you!
First timer here and diagnosed last year, had a completely positive attitude about dealing with the whole situation of "Breast Cancer", had a mastectomy of the left breast, chemo and tamoxifen, and now reconstructed surgery and was just happy that at least I am still here. However, I came home from work one day, husband was at home, went to bathroom and there was a porn magazine there (and not talking about Playboy) which totally caught me off guard. Let's say that was not a good week!!!! Forgive and forget was my plan, then I found on our computer, some porn website, if I was not going through this whole "situation", would I even care???? But it is still getting to me, with all the shit I went through with breast cancer, how could he do that to me at this time in my life!!!!
Comments
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gonzolive,
Sorry you have to be here at all...and keep up your positive attitude! YOU need that for yourself, and it does make it better for those around you, too.
I am not a fan of porn....I think it is always more destructive for healthy marriages although I am fully aware of all the "arguments" for its presence in a marriage. Truth is, if you are uncomfortable with it, it is a problem. I will only offer these thoughts. Because your husband is viewing porno does not mean he is "doing this to you". It is his issue, problem, sexual issue etc....it is affecting you of course, but he is not doing it to you. On the other hand, you need to let him know how you feel it is affecting your marriage. But these are really 2 distinct issues, that I think will help both you and him if you can view it in that context.
I could go off on a tirade on this issue on how our entertainment industry has denigrated women and made porn acceptable slowly but surely these past 30 years....but that would do nothing to help you. I would just ask if you feel this is a new issue in your marriage, or are you just more sensitive to an issue that has already been present in your marriage because of your cancer and surgery?
I hope you can find a way to discuss this concern with him honestly, openly, and calmly. Anger may just bury it without getting at the real issue. Are you having ongoing sexual issues (which is to be expected BTW) and not dealing with them, or has this been a long standing issue? Is this a new phenomenom and if so, why?
I know this must hurt and feels very personal but you will need to put some space and objectivity to it if you want to get at the underlying issue here.
I wish you calm perspective, articulate discussions and a satisfying resolution...
God Bless,
Angel
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Edward am I alone!!!!
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Elizabeth may you not got there
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Ladies please, do you think it is easy for me to be so open, ladies of bc what do I do??? please I have open the door, please please !!!!
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I don't think I have dated a man who did not at some point in his life look at porn. I think men and women view the whole porn thing so much differently. I think for men it is just a way to get their rocks off, but for women, it makes them feel that we don't measure up or that we are not enough for the men in our lives. There are just differences between us like when a sexy young thing walks by..men look, they are visual creatures. But that doesn't mean our husbands/boyfriends don't love us and don't want to take us to bed. At 51, I certainly don't look like I used to and now gravity, weight gain, and surgery have made me look worse. A lot has happened to my body the past year, none of it good. But I still believe my husband loves me even though our sex life has been pretty non existant the past year due to my back injury and then the bc. We have only recently started to be intimate again.
Because this is something that is bothering you, I encourage you to have a conversation with your husband regarding how finding the porn made you feel. He can't read your mind, so you need to talk to him. I would think he could then make a better choice when it comes to the magazines and computer knowing how much it has hurt you.
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I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It looks like your husband wanted to get caught. Leaving a porn mag in the bathroom and the porn website on the computer seems like he wasn't trying very hard to hide it. Since I don't know your husband, I have no idea why he wanted to get caught. He could feel guilty and want to stop or maybe he's angry and resentful towards your for some reason and wanted to hurt you. Who knows at this point?
I would advise talking to him in a calm way to find out where he's coming from. Then you will better know what approach to take. I would tell him how it makes you feel. See if he's willing to quit and how deep he's into it.
I do know ladies who have been married to men that are addicted to porn and it takes counseling and a lot of work on their husband's part to stay away from it. The women have felt betrayed as they would if their husband had an affair.
I am coming at it from a Christian point of view so I believe that porn has no place in a marriage. Sex should be between the husband and wife and bringing porn into it is bringing another person in which I find very damaging to the marriage. I would not want to share my husband with any other woman, even one in a magazine or on the computer. So I hope your husband was just checking it out and isn't addicted to it and that he will willingly stop when he discovers how much he has hurt you. Don't hesitate to get counseling if needed. This can be very destructive to a marriage. Good luck in getting this all worked out.
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Please! Why are we the ones to take the high road, and analyze everythig. We have the right to be angry and upset, and it's better to get it out than hidding it with our "caretaking" attitude. Any man who is our partner is life needs to rise to the occasion, which is, we've lost our breasts, we're not longer the "tits and ass" they married, but women who need to cope with an ordeal, I'm sure none of us would wish on our worst enemy. WE are the ones who need understanding.
The issue here is whether s/he (our partner) was the same jerk before, and we didn't see it or could live with it on denial because our strength was not focus on survival, or whether s/he just doesn't know how to cope. If the latter (the former speaks for itself on what to do), then let's tell him/her to find help, because WE cannot help them. Make them to look themselves on life's mirror and start becomingt the partners we would be to them, if the shoe were on the other foot.
I have not time to be nice to people who are looking at their navels instead to life, and serious illnesses are part of life.
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Gonzolive,
The same thing happened to me. Found porn DVD and almost fell over. I have posted on other sites about considering divorce, this is one reason why. I know men are visual and after mastectomey he does not find me sexy, he used to go nuts. Now we are like roommates and i always look for more porn when i am home..It sucks and i feel i cannot measure up to these women. To say we feel cheated on is oh so right. Let me know how you handle this. I honestly could leave home (2 children) also. BC took so so much...
Stay in touch...Stay strong
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I don't have a problem with my husband looking at porn, I just don't want to see it around the house. My husband has a DVD or two, but that's about it. I know he watches it from time to time, but it doesn't upset me. If he wants to fantasize a bit, let him. Just because he is watching it, doesn't mean he loves me any less. I can't get down on myself because I don't have the breasts of these porn stars. Heck, I didn't have pornstar breasts before the mastectomy. Besides, I love my husband dearly, but he's no adonis either....LOL We have a fairly healthy sex life and I don't let my mastectomy stop me from being the sensual person I am. I still dress up in pretty lingerie from time to time and don't get all hung up on what I don't have anymore. Our bigger problem is that my libido is not always very strong because of the fatigue. Now THAT really bothers ME.
If my hubbie started becoming obsessed with porn mags, DVDs, websites, etc., I would definitely confront him and discuss the matter. Communication is the key. I wish you all the best!
Take care,
Kim
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