Spouses that are not there for you!

gonzolive,

Sorry you have to be here at all...and keep up your positive attitude! YOU need that for yourself, and it does make it better for those around you, too.

I am not a fan of porn....I think it is always more destructive for healthy marriages although I am fully aware of all the "arguments" for its presence in a marriage. Truth is, if you are uncomfortable with it, it is a problem.  I will only offer these thoughts. Because your husband is viewing porno does not mean he is "doing this to you". It is his issue, problem, sexual issue etc....it is affecting you of course, but he is not doing it to you.  On the other hand, you need to let him know how you feel it is affecting your marriage. But these are really 2 distinct issues, that I think will help both you and him if you can view it in that context.

I could go off on a tirade on this issue on how our entertainment industry has denigrated women and made porn acceptable slowly but surely these past 30 years....but that would do nothing to help you. I would just ask if you feel this is a new issue in your marriage, or are you just more sensitive to an issue that has already been present in your marriage because of your cancer and surgery?

I hope you can find a way to discuss this concern with him honestly, openly, and calmly. Anger may just bury it without getting at the real issue.  Are you having ongoing sexual issues (which is to be expected BTW) and not dealing with them, or has this been a long standing issue? Is this a new phenomenom and if so, why? 

I know this must hurt and feels very personal but you will need to put some space and objectivity to it if you want to get at the underlying issue here.

I wish you calm perspective, articulate discussions and a satisfying resolution...

God Bless,

Angel

I don't think I have dated a man who did not at some point in his life look at porn. I think men and women view the whole porn thing so much differently. I think for men it is just a way to get their rocks off, but for women,  it makes them feel that we don't measure up or that we are not enough for the men in our lives. There are just differences between us like when a sexy young thing walks by..men look, they are visual creatures. But that doesn't mean our husbands/boyfriends don't love us and don't want to take us to bed. At 51, I certainly don't look like I used to and now gravity, weight gain, and surgery have made me look worse. A lot has happened to my body the past year, none of it good. But I still believe my husband loves me even though our sex life has been pretty non existant the past year due to my back injury and then the bc. We have only recently started to be intimate again. 

Because this is something that is bothering you, I encourage you to have a conversation with your husband regarding how finding the porn made you feel. He can't read your mind, so you need to talk to him. I would think he could then make a better choice when it comes to the magazines and computer knowing how much it has hurt you.

Please!  Why are we the ones to take the high road, and analyze everythig. We have the right to be angry and upset, and it's better to get it out than hidding it with our "caretaking" attitude. Any man who is our partner is life needs to rise to the occasion, which is, we've lost our breasts, we're not longer the "tits and ass" they married, but women who need to cope with an ordeal, I'm sure none of us would wish on our worst enemy. WE are the ones who need understanding. 

The issue here is whether s/he (our partner) was the same jerk before, and we didn't see it or could live with it on denial because our strength was not focus on survival, or whether s/he just doesn't know how to cope. If the latter (the former speaks for itself on what to do),  then let's tell him/her to find help, because WE cannot help them. Make them to look themselves on life's mirror and start becomingt the partners we would be to them, if the shoe were on the other foot. 

I have not time to be nice to people who are looking at their navels instead to life, and serious illnesses are part of life. 

I don't have a problem with my husband looking at porn, I just don't want to see it around the house.  My husband has a DVD or two, but that's about it.  I know he watches it from time to time, but it doesn't upset me.  If he wants to fantasize a bit, let him.  Just because he is watching it, doesn't mean he loves me any less.   I can't get down on myself because I don't have the breasts of these porn stars.  Heck, I didn't have pornstar breasts before the mastectomy.   Besides, I love my husband dearly, but he's no adonis either....LOL    We have a fairly healthy sex life and I don't let my mastectomy stop me from being the sensual person I am.  I still dress up in pretty lingerie from time to time and don't get all hung up on what I don't have anymore.  Our bigger problem is that my libido is not always very strong because of the fatigue.  Now THAT really bothers ME. 

If my hubbie started becoming obsessed with porn mags, DVDs, websites, etc., I would definitely confront him and discuss the matter.  Communication is the key.  I wish you all the best!

Take care,

Kim