Lack of support from husband

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clayton1936
clayton1936 Member Posts: 7
edited June 2014 in Second or Third Breast Cancer

From the beginning, my husband has not been supportive.   My doctor was upset because my husband didn't come with me when he talked to me about the results of my biopsy.   He insisted that my husband or someone be there when I had my next visit to arrange for surgery, etc.   My husband came with me then; but when the doctor asked him if he had any questions about my cancer, all he said was: "How soon can she golf?"   He took me to the hospital when I had my mastectomy, but left shortly after.   He picked me up the next day, but didn't ask me anything about how I was feeling, etc. (He didn't even open the car door for me.)   He ignored me when we got home, and I spent most of my time alone.   I go for my yearly mammograms, but he never asks the results.    Because I believe that it's important to share our feelings, I have attempted to relay mine to him.   He gets angry; and instead of trying to make me feel better, he leaves me alone.   Has anyone else out there experienced this kind of treatment?

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited April 2009

    I certainly haven't and my heart breaks for you. This surgery isn't the first time he's ignored you (yearly mammogram results you say) so one of a couple things are happening. Either he REALLY loves to golf with you and is in denial about the cancer. Or, he isn't a husband to you and you should reconsider your relationship and whether you want it to continue. Maybe the attention and support during this time isn't worth losing your marriage over, or maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Do you have anyone close that could counsel you?

    I wish you only the best on your personal journey. God bless.

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  • baywatcher
    baywatcher Member Posts: 532
    edited April 2009

    Is he freaked out about the possible loss of your breast? Or does he typically behave in this way? Maybe he is having a sort of breakdown. I don't know.

    I am sorry that you are not getting more support from him. Do you have anyone else that can be there for you?

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited April 2009

    Many illnesses can put a real strain on any marriage.  If the foundation isn't solid to begin with (and sometimes even when we think it is) a diagnosis of cancer can send it tumbling down.  I agree with Barbe.  Talk to someone about this.  If you have nobody, then start with your Dr.

    I do know from reading these boards that your experience is not unique.  I'm sure many others will post.

    Good luck and gentle hugs.

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  • clayton1936
    clayton1936 Member Posts: 7
    edited April 2009

    Thanks for your reply!   No....it's not about the loss of my breast.     I guess this is, unfortunately, typical behavior for him.    I thought, though, that something as serious as this just might make him respond differently.    I found, when it comes to my friends, that I might just as well have  told them I had leprosy. :)  They really don't want to talk about it either.    I don't want to dump on my kids, but, yes.....they have always been "there for me".    Friends sent flowers, took me out for lunch, bought presents.....all that was wonderful.   But the only people in my life who asked me about my prognosis and how I'm feeling about all this are the girl who cuts my hair and my next-door neighbor.     When I told  someone whom I had always considered one of my best friends, all she said was:"My God!   I have to get a mammogram!"     When I told another "friend" that I was concerned because they found cancer cells in my lymph nodes, she said: "Oh, well....we all have cancer cells somewhere in our body."     Another said....."Oooh.....I want to see your scar!" 

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited April 2009

    Oh Clayton.  You will find there are those who will rally round you and those who sprint away like a deer in flight.  It's the one's you least suspect who will come knocking on your door to see what they can do.  I hope you have many door knockers come to help.

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  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited April 2009

    Oh Clayton- I can totally relate to what you are saying.  I was in the process of leaving my husband when I found out I had cancer.  I thought , well maybe this will make him at least be kinder to me, but it hasnt'.  I think my husband is so self centered that he cannot think someone that is connected to him is sick.  He thinks he is perfect and thinks everything in his life should be perfect and everyone around him should be perfect.  Well, I'm not, so I guess that is that.  My husband has not been to any doctor's appointments with me, and even if he did he certainly wouldn't care if I was going to be feeling good enough to do anything with him. He has told me many times that he hates me and wishes I would leave.  Well, now I'm stuck...He has not once asked me how I was feeling- but thank god I have one close friend I can talk to.  She wasn't that close before my bc, but now she is, and the ones I thought were close are long gone.  I will be thinking of you... Tami 

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  • clayton1936
    clayton1936 Member Posts: 7
    edited April 2009

    Thanks, Tami.   But.....what about you?   Hey.....your situation is much worse than mine, I think.    You said that now you're "stuck".   Why?    I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one whose "close friends" headed for the hills.    But.....one close friend is really all we need, right?

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  • clayton1936
    clayton1936 Member Posts: 7
    edited April 2009

    I'm afraid I chose the wrong forum.    I thought second or third cancer meant second or third stage.  Sorry.....duh!   I'm switching to Invasive Lobular Cancer where I belong.   I realize that those of you who are in this forum have a totally different situation from mine, and I send you all hugs and prayers.   Thank you for thinking of me when you really have enough to deal with in your own lives.

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  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited April 2009

    I am stuck for now, but as soon as treatment is over and I feel better I am planning to hit the road.  One close friend IS all we need, but after I said that I realized that I have lots of friends on these boards, and am so GLAD!  Hang in there,  Tami

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  • Aliceann
    Aliceann Member Posts: 62
    edited July 2009

    idaho - You go girl!  We don't have time for wasted relationships.  I'd rather be alone with a good book than look at a man who doesn't have the time nor the inclination.  I am blessed with a fine husband who has been a prince most of the time.  Even then, he slips once in awhile, but it is mainly out of frustration.  I give him some personal space and then he recovers. We have been at this for seven years and it gets tired for everyone.  My advice to clayton: don't waste valuable time!  AliceAnn

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  • Aliceann
    Aliceann Member Posts: 62
    edited July 2009

    clayton - Remember, some people cannot express themselves and just don't know what to say to those dealing with any form of cancer.  I have a couple of nephews who only show up when food is on the table and neither of them has ever said a word to me about my health.  At first they annoyed me with their lack of interest, but I am not going to worry about them.  They both have problems dealing with their emotions.  I am not the one with the difficulty here.  Don't feel bad when others do not respond in ways you expect.  I know one gal who looks too good to be ill.  She just looks fine, but feels terrible and is not a complainer.  It is actually easier to look pale and bald, because others expect that appearance.  I was told the other day that I am looking great by an acquaintance who hadn't seen me in a couple of years.  I am facing my third BC (second METS) experience, so I didn't tell him what the prognosis is.  It takes too much time to explain it all, because people have a tendancy to use the words "Remission or Cured," too often.  Keep your faith and make yourself comfortable, both physically, mentally and spiritually.  AliceAnn

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  • ShellyJo
    ShellyJo Member Posts: 132
    edited July 2009

    Ah Clayton, you are a more tolerable woman than I. I had some medical issues non cancer related when I was 35. My husband at the time could have cared less. In fact his abusive behavior escalated to the point of I needed to get a restraining order on him. SO that is what sealed the deal with me going thru with a divorce. As far as friends and stoopit comments, maybe time to cash some of them in and upgrade to more compassionate models. Maybe find a BC support group in your area. Its funny even though we were divorced 5 years at my time of dx, he never offered to help me or ask If i needed help with the kids. However, he harrassed me because he overpaid one week of child support which gets taken automatically out of his pay, was the states mistake. But he constantly badgered me with sending it back and even threatened to take me to court in the midst of my chemo treatments. It behooves how people can be so insensitive.  Just remember you have friends here that care  :)

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  • Hoolianama0508
    Hoolianama0508 Member Posts: 162
    edited July 2009

    Clayton,

    I can relate to what you are saying to some degree. My hubby goes to the appointments with me, however, once we are home, it's like he's invisible. I take care of our 2 small children, do laundry, make food, etc.

    In many discussion together about his behavior, a few things have come out that he has admitted too:

    1) he's behaving like a jerk

    2) he can't handle me being sick

    3) he's not that strong of a man

    Those are the facts. I have come to accept them. I no longer get upset about it. My mom can't stand that he doesn't help me. I still love my hubby however I have lost a lot of respect for him.

    My guess is that your husband does love and care for you. His statement on the surface seems cold, but I translate what he said as, I can't lose her.

    When I got cancer at 17, twenty years ago, both my parents were in the diagnosis room. My mom was full of questions and visibly upset. My dad and the attending doctor spoke only about how the went to the same university. My mom was furious with my dad. She felt he should have behaved differently. My dad's response was, don't you think I feel like crying too? Talking about the degree was the only way he could handle what was happening to me at the time.

     I hope my experience helps you, it is intended to be supportive.

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  • Annabella58
    Annabella58 Member Posts: 2,466
    edited July 2009

    Honey, I stumbled onto this forum, and i don't think I should be in here, but I did want to add that life is too short for idiots to suck your sunlight....

    Whenever you find someone in this journey who can deal with what you are, they are like gold.  Because most folks cannot.   Just stick to those that can help you, know you will get thru it, and don't fret about anyone else.

    When you get better, it will be plenty of time to deal with the jerkazoids.

    God bless

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  • Angel10
    Angel10 Member Posts: 682
    edited July 2009

    Clayton,

    I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. It is tumultuous...and it would bo soo great if our husbands walked the walk with us, and we got all the support we needed, through sickness and health....so help us God. But it doesn't always work out that way. What I have learned is that it doesn't necessarily speak to their lack of love, just their inability to love us in the way we feel we need to be loved. And let's be honest, the way we need to be loved changes based upon our condition...not necessarily because they have changed.

     Somedays my husband is a prince, most days not (at least when it comes to this cancer thing).  But I try to refocus myself on on the positives, and there are many, that have nothing to do with cancer. He is a good Dad, a good son, fun at many times, the list goes on and on. But with this cancer thing I have felt so alone. He has many, many faults in this area...but then again, so do I.  So my prayer is that should he get a cancer diagnosis, I would treat him much better than I feel treated.  And that I will not resent him for that, but rest in knowing I did the best I could. That is all I am asked to do...the best that I can.

    There is a saying I once read..."People will be unkind to you, be kind anyway.  After all it is not about you and them, it is about you and God." I never thought I would have to think about my husband in those terms...but why wouldn't I?  The other saying I reflect on is "It is easy to love those who love you...."

    Cancer sucks. People disappoint us.  Be strong...after all it is about you!

    God Bless!

     Angel

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  • arby
    arby Member Posts: 126
    edited August 2009

     Dear Clayton, Please, please get to a cancer support group  sponsored by the American Cancer Society or your local hospital.  Do not wait another week before finding the meeting time and location and GO!  I have a dear husband who was very supportive; but I hit a wall at my workplace caring for patients on hospice with cancer.  This support group was my life saver (job saver, too).  I've realized that alot of our emotional work as patients is to "counsel"  our friends and family members who react less than helpfully.  that takes a heap of energy.  But girl, you step back, take a deep breath and believe in the love that others really do have for you.  They do love you! they do!  but they are scared of losing you!  and they may be scared of their own mortality, because if cancer can happen to their close friend, it justmight happen to them.  Forgive their faux pas.  and find some new friends at the support group. They will totally understand you and you will sigh deeply with relief.   As for your husband, he probably fears change and cancer does change things at least for a while.  Look elsewhere for your support and maybe even tell him what a good group you've found.  He just might be relieved.   I'll be praying for you.  arby 2nd time around

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  • melissa-5-19
    melissa-5-19 Member Posts: 391
    edited October 2009

    Ladies- they really ARE missing quite a lot of information on the part of their chromoisone that is missing ..... we are X's and they are Y's and they need the other stuff to be human- why is this so hard and then : friends and husbands make it harder?  Clayton you DO NOT NEED THIS BEHAVIOR"  We will be here and maybe you can find a local support group with REAL people attending. Be Strong Beat the Beast and Leave the turd. ( easy for me right)

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  • marlegal
    marlegal Member Posts: 2,264
    edited October 2009

    a thought or two.  in some cases, the guys are just jerks, but many, including my hub, are of the species where they don't know what to do if they can't fix it.  if i tell him i hurt, it means (to me) i want sympathy.  to a lot of guys, all they want to do is fix it and if they can't, it frustrates them to a level where they're clueless.  point two is that we need to make our wants/needs known to these clueless guys.  when i was in treatment, i knew it was pointless to think he'd know when i needed a hug.  so i would just go out to wherever he was at the time and say "i need a hug" and that would prompt him to take me back inside, sit with me, hug me until we both knew i was back to being okay.  again, this doesn't apply to the true jerk, but if your guy is in the maybe column, give him a little help and he might surprise you.   hugs to you all :)

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  • melissa-5-19
    melissa-5-19 Member Posts: 391
    edited October 2009

     you are correct! sometimes they need to be told and the ones that are hurting themselves and confused on how to make us better respond to the hints and instructions. Mine does- also correct as above they want to FIX, we want support- venus and mars- all that missing chromisonal info...

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