what's the matter with me?

Brookside, you sound perfectly normal to me and it especially sad this being the month you lost your mom.  No wonder you are depressed but yes you are going to be ok.  I think we all go through the phase of wondering if ever ache and pain is cancer coming back.  It has been 5 years for me and to set my mind at ease my onc did a pet scan and bone scan and they came back it was arthritis.  Do you have a strong faith, that is what got me through everything.  And making friends on this board.    Do you have family around you or support from friends?  A church family?  Sending you healing prayers and vibes.  gentle hugs.  Sherry

brookside ~  I think a lot of what you're going through is totally within the range of normal after a bc dx.  Most of us have nights when we can't sleep, as well as periods where we feel that every cough or twinge must be mets.  So, my first suggestion is that you stop being so hard on yourself and realize that you've had a life-altering dx that makes us now keenly aware of our own mortality, and that it will turn your world upside down for awhile.  But it will get better as you move further away from your dx and finish your tx.

My next suggestion is that you see if the facility where you're being treated has either a psychologist or social worker on staff.  The 2 places I've had tx both do, and one actually works those contacts in with your checkups to see how you're doing, because they know that we all go through huge emotional upheavals with our dx.  And the 3 times I've talked to someone in this capacity, it's been a huge help.  They will give you reassurance that what you're experiencing is normal and part of a process, as well as give you some practical coping skills for those fears. And, at least where I am, it's considered part of your treatment, so there's no additional charge for it.

One more idea... Have you tried a local bc support group?  I've always found that talking about our problems with others who are going through much the same thing, whether it's illness or relationships or jobs or childrearing, can be very cathartic and reassuring.

I will be thinking of you and wishing you brighter days ahead ~  Deanna

Brookside, hope your moods have improved.  It's not an easy road but doable as your meds kick in.  Take care and visit often for the support you won't easily find outside.

Prayers going out for you.

I have not slept well since Dec. 23rd.

was just told by my Onc the other day that I was suffering from PTSD. Dx 12/08 with Triple-Neg BC. It's been a long and traumatic road that I have had to basically fight alone (my divorce became final in Feb. 2009- 2 weeks after my first surgery). My Onc put me on an anti-depressant last week. Recently I cry all of the time and that is NOT like me!

I found this poem and I try to focus on the message~

My Battle - My Victory

Yesterday I fought a Battle, But I did not fight alone-

I had a Protector - A Guide, I was never on my own

This enemy came to me suddenly, No warning as to prepare-

And before I knew what happened, this enemy was everywhere.

I felt so overwhelmed; Did no one know my pain?

How could this be happening to me, How did it know my name?

Today I fight this battle, The enemy with me still

It has not yet taken control, Nor has it broke my will

It is hurtful and it is cruel, It doesn't care the damage it causes

It is wearing down my defenses; I can soon count my losses.

It is ruthless and emotionless, Its purpose to destroy

I can not, must not let it, Will not let it have control

Hear me when I tell you, Please listen when I say

I have many scars from this battle; I do struggle from day to day

It takes many things from me; Within my body it has much power

It affects loved ones around me; The battle has become a war

You may not know by looking at me, Then again maybe you can,

That this enemy shows no mercy, I fall when I can no longer stand

It does not care what age you are, or your status here on Earth

It doesn't count your income, or what you think you are worth

This battle that I speak of, CANCER is its name

And because I continue to fight, I will never be the same!

Tomorrow may never come for me; I live only in the present

My life is right here, right now, What I have is this very moment

But I will continue to fight, For I learned down on my knees

is where I fight this battle, It is where God gives me the victory.

Brookie,  hang in there sister, I know this is so hard.  We are here to support you!  In sisterhood, xo

That was a great poem.  Hang in there like the others have said you are not alone.  December will be my 2nd year since diagnosed and I still can get down and I have a great support system.  I do take Lexipro but there are times that I still get down, my bones ache from Arimidex and at times I am very forgetful and I am in good health.  You have your life and that is a gift just try to stay positive and look on the bright side, we are all there with you.  Hugs.