what's the matter with me?

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Is there anyone else out there that isn't sleeping well at night? Finds no enjoyment? Is letting her house fall apart around her? 

I am waiting to heal from my lumpectomy of July 17 (reexcision but have clean margins now) and am scheduled to see rad onc Sept 1.  I was getting by okay by taking xanax but then I found I needed to take them daily, then it was 2x a day.  I then called my PCP and got a prescription for celexa and buspar and am waiting for them to kick in (3 days on it).  I didn't want to do that but I didn't want to get addicted to xanax either but I DON"T want to feel this way either. 

I have a little dry cough and now I believe I have lung cancer or mets to my lungs.  I am sure that is not the case but I've never had a dry cough before.  Persistent.  I am so afraid.  I am thinking logically that it may be the late after effects of the anesthesia from the 2 surgeries that is finally getting out of me but what it is something else.

I didn't sleep well at all last couple of nights and wake up worried.  This morning is beautiful but when I look out, I wonder if I'll see this day next year?  God I only had a tiny spot that was detected very very early and it was removed and I have a 93 per cent chance of survival so what is all this worry about.  10 years ago this time, I was in the hospital, holding on to my mom's hand as she lie dying of lymphoma.  She died August 27, her birthday.  I always get an anniversary reaction but this year is worse.  I am scared.  I am so scared.  I am so lonely.  Why do I cough?  Can someone out there just reassure me that I'm going to be okay?  Please help me.  I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow.  I have to be strong because I'm all I've got and I worry that my worry will feed the cancer and make it recur.  I'm supposed to have only good, healing thoughts but they are not there.  I can't see a therapist because I don't have insurance and this is costing more than I can ever pay back. (don't qualify for medicaid or community care or ANYTHING). Am I going to be okay? Is this normal the way i ifeel right now.  I told someone I'm presently in the eye of the hurricane....surgeries behind me, radiation ahead of me.  How do I stop this worry.

Comments

  • spar2
    spar2 Member Posts: 6,827
    edited August 2009

    Brookside, you sound perfectly normal to me and it especially sad this being the month you lost your mom.  No wonder you are depressed but yes you are going to be ok.  I think we all go through the phase of wondering if ever ache and pain is cancer coming back.  It has been 5 years for me and to set my mind at ease my onc did a pet scan and bone scan and they came back it was arthritis.  Do you have a strong faith, that is what got me through everything.  And making friends on this board.    Do you have family around you or support from friends?  A church family?  Sending you healing prayers and vibes.  gentle hugs.  Sherry

  • renee1008
    renee1008 Member Posts: 94
    edited August 2009

    Brookside, I could have written most of what you wrote.  I still have my mom, thank God. She and my family are my strength.  And God.  I couldn't have made it thru what I'm going thru without my faith and prayers from so many people.  I, too, am sending healing prayers and prayers of peace.  I was dx last Oct, and I haven't had to take anything for anxiety in months.  Call your doctor(s).  They can help ease your fears of the pains and cough you have.  What your feeling is so normal.  I thought at the time that I was the only one that felt that way.  You are not alone.  We're here for you.   Renee

  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited August 2009

    brookside ~  I think a lot of what you're going through is totally within the range of normal after a bc dx.  Most of us have nights when we can't sleep, as well as periods where we feel that every cough or twinge must be mets.  So, my first suggestion is that you stop being so hard on yourself and realize that you've had a life-altering dx that makes us now keenly aware of our own mortality, and that it will turn your world upside down for awhile.  But it will get better as you move further away from your dx and finish your tx.

    My next suggestion is that you see if the facility where you're being treated has either a psychologist or social worker on staff.  The 2 places I've had tx both do, and one actually works those contacts in with your checkups to see how you're doing, because they know that we all go through huge emotional upheavals with our dx.  And the 3 times I've talked to someone in this capacity, it's been a huge help.  They will give you reassurance that what you're experiencing is normal and part of a process, as well as give you some practical coping skills for those fears. And, at least where I am, it's considered part of your treatment, so there's no additional charge for it.

    One more idea... Have you tried a local bc support group?  I've always found that talking about our problems with others who are going through much the same thing, whether it's illness or relationships or jobs or childrearing, can be very cathartic and reassuring.

    I will be thinking of you and wishing you brighter days ahead ~  Deanna

  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited August 2009

    Just know that everything you are feeling is NORMAL-- stress is so hard on your body and mind...    I just wanted to ask you if you were taking tamoxifen?   When I started tamoxifen it made me have a dry persistent cough.... just a thought... peace to you.. Tami

  • brookside
    brookside Member Posts: 77
    edited August 2009

    I'm doing a little better now.  I got my sorry little butt out of bed, after reading from 11 P to 1A and then 5A to 8A.  I cleaned the kitchen FINALLY...I have dogs and there was dog hair everywhere but I had not used it for about 2 weeks....I just eat cereal or eat out..no energy to cook.  I then brushed 2 of my dogs and got another dog out of them...did that outside so no hair inside and hopefully that will take care of some of their shedding.  I wonder if I was getting hooked on xanax and the present anxiety i'm experiencing is that I am coming down from that (I took them so infrequently and then it was once and then 2 x daily).  

    I plan on attending the bc support group but that is only the first tuesday of every month.  so I guess I'll start in september. 

    Thank you guys.  I don't have alot of friends in this town (moved here with my mom and really don't know anyone) and the friends I have think that since I'm not dying (EVER FROM THIS I HOPE) that I'm okay and don't understand my moods. 

    THANK YOU SO MUCH for reassuring me that I'm okay with my present feelings and that they will someday go away.  Thanks.

    Becky and her 4 Newfies and 1 chinese crested

  • flash
    flash Member Posts: 1,685
    edited August 2009

    4 newfies and a crested ?? WOW.     You are absolutely typical to find your moods going up and down.  Come into chat sometime.

    Good luck

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2009

    Brookside, hope your moods have improved.  It's not an easy road but doable as your meds kick in.  Take care and visit often for the support you won't easily find outside.

    Prayers going out for you.

  • Brendatrue
    Brendatrue Member Posts: 1,830
    edited August 2009

    Brookside--I think many of us who read your post know how you feel from our personal experience as well. One of the things I have learned about anxiety is not to let myself get even more anxious about being anxious and to give myself permission not to try to run from it, because that just makes me more anxious! When I have anxiety I will try a number of approaches, one being mindfulness meditation, or sometimes just simply relaxation breathing, or I will put on a "healing music" CD and breathe for relaxation while listening. Or I may channel all that "anxiety energy" into an activity, like pulling weeds in my yard or walking. Many times I will allow myself to think about those triggers of my anxiety--those dark thoughts I might not want to allow the light of exposure--and then try to share those with someone I trust, or write about them, or just have a conversation with myself about them. But sometimes I think "enough already"; I don't always have to analyze everything, I can just redirect my thoughts/energy and focus on creating a peaceful, more accepting state for myself. I wish you the best in finding what will work best for you!

  • holligoog
    holligoog Member Posts: 75
    edited September 2009

    I have not slept well since Dec. 23rd.

    was just told by my Onc the other day that I was suffering from PTSD. Dx 12/08 with Triple-Neg BC. It's been a long and traumatic road that I have had to basically fight alone (my divorce became final in Feb. 2009- 2 weeks after my first surgery). My Onc put me on an anti-depressant last week. Recently I cry all of the time and that is NOT like me!

    I found this poem and I try to focus on the message~

    My Battle - My Victory

    Yesterday I fought a Battle, But I did not fight alone-

    I had a Protector - A Guide, I was never on my own

    This enemy came to me suddenly, No warning as to prepare-

    And before I knew what happened, this enemy was everywhere.

    I felt so overwhelmed; Did no one know my pain?

    How could this be happening to me, How did it know my name?

    Today I fight this battle, The enemy with me still

    It has not yet taken control, Nor has it broke my will

    It is hurtful and it is cruel, It doesn't care the damage it causes

    It is wearing down my defenses; I can soon count my losses.

    It is ruthless and emotionless, Its purpose to destroy

    I can not, must not let it, Will not let it have control

    Hear me when I tell you, Please listen when I say

    I have many scars from this battle; I do struggle from day to day

    It takes many things from me; Within my body it has much power

    It affects loved ones around me; The battle has become a war

    You may not know by looking at me, Then again maybe you can,

    That this enemy shows no mercy, I fall when I can no longer stand

    It does not care what age you are, or your status here on Earth

    It doesn't count your income, or what you think you are worth

    This battle that I speak of, CANCER is its name

    And because I continue to fight, I will never be the same!

    Tomorrow may never come for me; I live only in the present

    My life is right here, right now, What I have is this very moment

    But I will continue to fight, For I learned down on my knees

    is where I fight this battle, It is where God gives me the victory.

  • renee1008
    renee1008 Member Posts: 94
    edited September 2009

    Holli,

    I am so sorry you are going thru this.  It's hard enough to hear the word "cancer" and need to focus on your health without having all the other emotional junk thrown in on top of it. I read that poem a few weeks ago and thought it was great.  You can fight this, and you can win.  It's hard to have the faith you need, and thought you always had, when you're faced with something like this.  God can get you thru anything.  I will pray for you.  It's what got me to where I am, finally feeling peace (most days), and is what keeps me going everyday.  I have days that I'm scared, and I cry.  But overall, I know God has a plan for me.  God is bigger than "cancer".

    Renee

  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited September 2009

    Brookie,  hang in there sister, I know this is so hard.  We are here to support you!  In sisterhood, xo

  • bettysgirl
    bettysgirl Member Posts: 938
    edited September 2009

    Brookside- I was going through surgeries around the anniversary of my moms passing last yr and it slipped right on by. This yr was totally different. I went through a hard week or two where i was feeling like you described. We have grandkids living in the house but if i could have i probably would have stayed in the bed. At least that's what i wanted to do. I think maybe the BC journey has made me a little more reflective, I wonder how she would have advised me over the last yr or how she would have guided me through the year.I think it is normal to have some down time once it all soaks in.

    This stuff keeps on giving and I don't know the day will come that we won't worry. I hope it does but for me some days are worse than others.

    i have to say that i am thankful for all the ladies here who are such great support.

    i hope you are feeling better every day. (((((HUGS))))

  • frankrause
    frankrause Member Posts: 19
    edited September 2009

    That was a great poem.  Hang in there like the others have said you are not alone.  December will be my 2nd year since diagnosed and I still can get down and I have a great support system.  I do take Lexipro but there are times that I still get down, my bones ache from Arimidex and at times I am very forgetful and I am in good health.  You have your life and that is a gift just try to stay positive and look on the bright side, we are all there with you.  Hugs.

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