Anyone dated while under reconstruction?

Options
wabiwoman
wabiwoman Member Posts: 247
edited June 2014 in Singles With Breast Cancer
Anyone dated while under reconstruction?
· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • wabiwoman
    wabiwoman Member Posts: 247
    edited January 2010

    Sooooo - have any of you fabulous women dated while in the PROCESS of reconstruction?  My last boyfriend and I broke up in late spring and I was finishing up a second bachelor's degree at the time.  I told myself that come graduation I would enter the dating fold again, only to get my third diagnosis of cancer followed by bilateral mastectomy and expander placement.  I'm in the expanding phase and have til now thought I would wait to date.  The thing is I'm having difficulties with the expansion process - it's going SLOOOOOOOW - and I'm not so sure waiting to date is sitting well as time marches on.  I'm going to work, I'm seeing my friends, I'm exercising, I'm doing the REST of my life - why should I put off dating?  (Ummmmm...... well there's having to tell someone I'm neither here nor there when it comes to breasts, there's not even being able to hug someone with any gusto, there are the nightmare scenarios my brain creates when I think of showing someone my Frankengeena state....)....  But am I not more than the state of my breasts?  Could I hope to have the faith that someone decent would consider embarking upon the dating adventure with me - in my "inbetween" state? Or are those thoughts not realistic or self-sabotaging?

    I don't know and I don't know if I could really take the plunge right now.  But I'm curious to know if anyone out there has tried.  Anyone out there dated WHILE in the reconstruction process?????  Feel like sharing??

    :) Geena

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited July 2009

    Haven't done recon or dating, yet, but all I can say is, it's something to put the brakes on moving too fast in a relationship. Now, how can that be a bad thing?

    Dip your toe in the water. As I found before I had bc, there were a lot of guys I didn't want to see after a date or two, so there was little or no physical closeness to worry about.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited July 2009

    I had bm and won't be able to do reconstruction until next year. This is my second bc. AFter the first (I had lumpectomy) it didn't interfere and I was seeing someone. He has essentially disappeared as he can't handle bc. My confidence is shot. I'm still grieving the loss of my breasts. I don't know if I ever want to date again but I feel sad about it.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2009

    Geena...I also had a lumpectomy, but because the loss of tissue was fairly significant, I had some recon done (implants & lift on healthy side and will be having lipo to harvest fat to fill the divot left). I was already dating someone by the time I was ready for surgery, but I started dating him before and lemme tell ya, my breasts were not gonna be featured in any magazine. I'd had multiple biopsies and have a huge scar from chest surgery in '81, a well as my port scar, all in addition to the lumpectomy mess. Anyway, I simply decided that I wanted to find someone to be intimate with and have fun with and having already had my life threatened by cancer, I wasn't waiting for anything ever again, if I had the power to go for it. I figured that I only wanted to become close to men who had the courage and ability to look beyond the physical appeal of my breasts. And as much as I'd like to say that I had the attitude of "screw them if they don't think I'm hot," I wasn't quite that confident about it all and put alot of effort into making myself as physicall attractive as possible. And then I went for it. I did the online thing and met a few guys who were okay and a few who weren't and then I met P. who has been my one & only for about 15 months now. He supported me through the recon surgery in April and will be there for the upcoming revision, etc. in October. The thing is he swears that he just doesn't care...that breasts aren't important to him and that he certainly appreciates them and finds them something of  turn-on, he's much more interested in my other body parts and mostly interested in my ME, my insides. Pretty cool, huh?

    This is all to say that I think you should totally go for it. IfI were in your situation and stage of recon, I'd buy a few gorgeous, sexy camisoles that hide what you don't want seen and feature what curves you have. Don't forget the matching panties and I'll bet you'll feel sexy as hell and ready to conquer. Now go out and JUST DO IT!!!!

    Keep us posted too....I have a feeling we'll hear great things from you! Wink

    ~Marin

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • wabiwoman
    wabiwoman Member Posts: 247
    edited January 2010

    Such great feedback.

    Nancy D - ha!  You're so right that it can take a while to find a man I would WANT to be that close to me anyway -- yes, going slow is key.

    hrf - I feel sad about the loss of my breasts too.  It's funny cause I remember that as they changed with a little age I judged them.  Now I idealize them for their softness - so unlike these wacky expanders!

    FitChik - Thank you soooooooooooooooo much for your post.  What a beautiful and healthy way to look at the situation.  Your story is very inspiring and hits me with a "Yeah.  That's IT."  Resonates so I know it's sort of where I'm at too.  I have to move forward with some faith when it comes to all of this and allow myself to have some FUN.  I think it is true - I want to put a bit of focus into feeling physically ready - let my gym rat live again, maybe do my nails, start looking online again..... and then dive.  Swan dive.  You ROCK!  Thank you!

    Geena

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited December 2009

    Geena - who knew so many of us are in the same situation?

    Kimberly

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • wabiwoman
    wabiwoman Member Posts: 247
    edited January 2010

    Kimberly!  You too?  Ah, we lucky ones.  It is a challenge to go through this alone, no?  Still, I'd rather be doing this alone than with the wrong one.....

    Geena

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited December 2009

    Sometimes I think it is easier to do this alone, but I really would like a date for Thursday!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • wabiwoman
    wabiwoman Member Posts: 247
    edited January 2010

    Yes, I see what you mean... I think in some ways it might be easier to do this alone - the variable of a partner's emotional trips about the breast cancer/reconstruction, etc. must be tough to deal with.  But I will say I wish I had a "DH" as they say - to do things like clear out the drains post surgery, open a jar of pickles post surgery, be there with me at the docs for cancer news -- I've relied heavily on friends. As for tonight and New Year's -- same sentiment here.  I'm pretty much at peace with doing chinese and a movie thought!  Off to NYC to see another friend tomorrow...

    Geena

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited December 2009

    Geena!

    Happy New Year! 2010 has to be better - it just has to! You are lucky to have friends to go to your appointments. The one time I had a friend go with me (the 1st mtg with BS), she took off work and when we got there, my apt had been rescheduled for the next week because she was still in surgery. After that, I just went by myself.

    I did have a different friend drive me to a couple of out patient surgeries - but felt bad that she sat there all day waiting for me. We stopped to get chinese food on the way home - my treat!

    I am now returning the favor with women from my local support group. I am driving a friend to her surgery this week. I know how hard it is to ask for help so I am the first to offer help. I remember the overwhelming feeling of "what am I going to do? How will I be able to do this alone?" and the relief when some one out of the blue offers something so simple but so important!

    Tonight I will be home alone - as usual - and that is ok, but it would be nice to have a date... Maybe next year when I am not underconstruction! These TE's are hard and painful.

    Have a great time in NYC!

    Kimberly

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories