Help!!!
I'm sitting in the hospice care center with my mom right now who is dying of the horrible "C" and I'm not sure what is really going on. I'm being told she might go home tomorrow or Tuesday and then yesterday they said they are not sure if she will be able to right now if at all. Plus I called my only family member in this country and she didn't ask me how my mom is doing or if there is anything should can do for me she just told me she is praying for me. But I need help, I feel lonely, confused and very sad. It hurts to see other patients families coming by and seeing them when all my mom gets are doctors and nurses coming and going from her room. I sleep here at night and stay most of the day if no one reminds me to get out and get some air. The nights are long and the days seem even longer. If anyone can give any suggestions on how to make this easier I would greatly appreciate it. Don't take me wrong hospice is doing a wonderful job, they have even had me seeing a grief counselor and minister, but right now that just doesn't seem to be enough. Like I said any suggestions anyone has would help.
Thanks
Comments
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I'm so sorry you're going through this... I just went through hospice with my sister in November... They told her at one point that she only had two weeks or less to live and that she'd never return home... they were wrong. She lived two more months and spent the last month and a half at home. Again, I'm soooooooooo sorry you're going through this and if I can lend an ear, pm me.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) janet
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Ddoyle- this is the hardest thing you will ever go through- I just went through it with my Mom- If your mom does get to go home- hospice will still come and help you. I found that the only way I kept my sanity was to make myself get away for a few hours every day. Let hopice do their job, and ask for help through your community or church- You need to think about yourself too...Or you will get so run down you won't beable to function. Peace and hugs to you. Tami
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I just found out that she won't be coming home unless things start changing. The doctor just told me that we are looking at maybe only a week left because she has stopped eating. But her regular doctor well be seeing her tomorrow so we will see. Thanks for the advance I will try to get out even if its just for an hour.
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ddoyle ~ I just took a minute to look back at your earlier posts, and realized what an especially heavy load you are carrying right now. I'm so sorry about your Mother, and sorry that you are going through this alone.
Although your Mom may not have visitors, she has you there, and as a Mom, I can tell you that is THE most important thing in the world. So don't feel that your Mom is being short changed in that regard. It would be far worse to have multiple visitors and not have you there for some reason.
But I'm also concerned about you, and I am wondering if there's anyone you can reach out to -- a close friend, or maybe the family member who didn't make any specific offer of help? Sometimes people don't always say what we would like them to, but sometimes they are more than willing to help if they know our needs. Do you have anyone you could call and ask them to help you through this right now? Maybe think of a couple of things that would be the most help -- someone to sit with your Mother a bit? Or someone to go to dinner with when you take a break? Please try to let others in, if you possibly can. I think it would ease your load, and the people who care about you should be anxious to help, but they need to know your needs.
Thinking of you, and hoping you will let us here also support you as much as we can ~ Deanna
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Thank you for that, I never even considered that maybe me being here is all she needs. As far as letting anyone in I am trying. I have a good group of friends who are trying to help but like you stated they just don't know how they can, and the sad part is I don't know how they can either. But your suggestion of going out to dinner with them and taking breaks with them sounds like a wonderful idea. I am getting better at letting the nurses and nurses aids do more for my mom and this alone is really hard but I am learning. Plus just writing seems to help too, so knowing I can express my feelings here helps so much. I know I'm not the one with the cancer but it sure feels as if I'm dying with her.
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ddoyle ~ I'm glad to hear that you have a good group of friends who are trying to help. I was thinking about you a lot this afternoon as I was out doing some errands, and I wondered if you'd want to share anything more about your Mother with us. One reason I'm asking that is it might give us some ideas for things your friends could do. For example, if your Mom had always wanted to go to Alaska but never could, maybe someone could get ahold of a great DVD Alaska (or Paris or wherever) travelogue you could all enjoy together, assuming she's still able to do something like this. Same with any other things she enjoys, whether a kind of music or a certain flower. I'm sure friends would love to bring those sorts of things to her if they knew what to do. And if you get to take her home -- and I really hope you do -- maybe you could ask them to bring over a food she loves -- strawberry ice cream -- or whatever would make her smile.
The other thing I wondered about is her friends. You mentioned not having much family, but what about your Mom's friends? Are there some who maybe don't realize that her situation has worsened and should be notified so that they can stop by and see her?
And lastly, I wondered if you've made any videos or recordings of your Mom, or if maybe a friend could help you with that. I think it would mean a lot to both of you to know you have something like that.
Just some thoughts I wanted to share with you ~ (((Hugs))) Deanna
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I'm sitting at the end of my moms bed were she is not responsive any longer. She use to be so independent it use to drive me crazy. She loved life and lived it to the fullest never regretting anything. She use to be a school teacher with me (we worked at the same school I was the K-5 computer teacher and she was the 6-8th computer teacher) all of this before this monster took over her body. Everyone loved her, even the nurses and nurses aids here love her, she is kind and patient and she raised me all by herself after my parents divorced when I was 3. So it has always been me and mom, and now it's not and it hurts so much seeing her this way. No matter where she is at she makes friends, it's as if people have always been drawn to her. She was an angle sent by God on this earth for just a moment to touch many lives which she has done.
The nurses keep telling me to talk with her even if she doesn't respond because she does hear me, so I tried that but I just couldn't get the words out without tears and my mom hates to see me cry.
I'm so scared that when her regular nurse comes tomorrow to visit the nurse will tell mom it's okay to let go and my mom will listen to her. It's strange my mom even has a close relationship with her nurse, they use to talk about family and other things that they both had in common. So right now this is my fear, that she will say it's okay to cross over and let go and that I (meaning me) am going to be okay (which right now feels like I won't be so I can't say that to her). Now some stuff about my mom she was born and raised in Turkey where she meet my dad, and they feel in love and moved to the US. My family is still in Turkey (I can't speak Turkish, so this makes it so much harder trying to explain things to them) everyone but my aunt. My father died in a car accident in 1995 and now this. I was never close to my father because of the divorce but right now I wish I had been. Her friends she has lost contact with over the years, but what is strange is that one of her closes friends I actually ran into about a week ago and told her what is happening to mom. So maybe I will give her a call later today to let her know what is happening as long as she doesn't try to visit. I don't want anyone to visit her because she is not the same women that she was, and I want everyone to remember her as she was and not as she is. She had so much pride that I really don't think she would want anyone to see her this way.
I do have a video of her that was taken when I was three, in the video is my mom, my dad and I with family friends. It was an engagement party that they had for a friend. I tried to see if I could get one made more recent and maybe have her talk to her future son-in-law and grandchildren but she said no that the video we do have is enough. See I am not married or have any children as of yet and that was something I wanted to express with my mom, now I don't have anyone to come and be with me if and when I get married. No mommy to be there with me if and when I get pregnant, no one to give me the advice she has always given me. See I have never made any major decisions without first talking with her about it and now I don't know what I'm going to do.
As you can see we are very close, she is my best-friend, she is my counselor, and just my whole world. I knew that no matter what we went through and we went through so hard stuff that as long as we were together it was going to be okay. Now how am I going to know that it will be okay, who is going to help guide me to make sure that I don't make any mistakes. I know I have God and he is everything to me, but it just doesn't make it any easier.
Okay I'm just blabbing and I'm sorry about that, but like I stated this is a kind of theory for me. But I'll stop for now.
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ddoyle....I'm at a loss for words...but truly pained for you, so sorry ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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You are in my prayers. Believe that no matter what she will be with you every step of the way through your life. Believe that she will guide you in your decisions and be there to experience your joy...You love her and through that love she will live on in your heart and in your soul. Your children will know her through you.
Catherine
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ddoyle ~ You weren't babbling at all. You are extremely well-spoken, and I am glad that you could honor your Mother by sharing some of her life story with us. She sounds like a remarkable woman and Mother, and I'm just so sorry that you are going through this now. You've had so much loss already. It just doesn't seem fair.
As far as her nurse coming tomorrow, maybe you could speak to her about your fear of her encouraging your Mom to let go. I don't suppose we're ever really ready to face this kind of devastating loss, but if your Mom isn't in pain, maybe you need a little more time with her, and her nurse will probably understand that. And I wouldn't worry about crying when you talk to your Mom. I'm not a psychologist, but if there are things you want to tell her, I think it's best to do it with tears than not do it at all.
As Catherine said, your beautiful Mother will always be in your heart. Deanna
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I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, I sat by my moms bed side at the hospital till she died from complecations form her breast cancer that she didn't take care of, I was not able to be with her at first because I had breast cancer myself, and just had both my breast remove I didn't want her to know what i just went throug, it hurts me so much because she most of though I didn't want to be with her. It was so hard even though my sister and brother were with me. Be strong for her and God Bless you both
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It's 6 am and the nurse are trying to put an IV into her arm since she can't swallow her medications anymore, but they are having difficulty with it because she hasn't drank anything in two days and hasn't eaten anything in four so her veins are not as good as they use to be. Another nurse will be coming in around 7 to try to put it in again. I'm being told that if the other nurse can't do it then the lab will need to come in, she is making sounds as if she is in pain so they are trying to get it done as fast as possible. She did cry out and say owe when they tried it the first time and it broke my heart, I tried to reassure her that it will be okay and putting this in will make her feel better and she seemed to calm down. Goodness knows the choices and decisions I have to make now are hard, it's as if she is a child and not my mom anymore. But I will say this hospice is the biggest blessing my mom and I could have had in this situation. They have listened, and have been so patient and kind to both of us I don't think I could ever do this without them.
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Hopefully, your Mom is resting more comfortably now. You and she are in my thoughts and prayers today. If we can help you think through any of those decisions, we're here. And there's also a private message (PM) feature on this site if you need it. When you click on a member's screen name, it will take you to a page with the option to send a private message. I'll quickly PM you so that you see it. Deanna
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Ddoyle, SO sorry you are going through this with your mother.....I just read your posts.....WOW you have it very hard right now.....Where do you live?.....Maybe soemone from here can come visit you and your mom.....Is there an address where we can send cards of encouragement?...........My thoughts go otu to you and your mother.....I know how hard it is....I just in recent months lost one of my older sisters and it was just so hard to let her go...........My heart goes out to you.......
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Hello again,
What a night, I think I might have gotten about three hours of sleep but right now that is okay. When things start getting better I hopefully will be able to get more sleep. They had to put some kind of little needle in her tummy this is easier then the IV in her arm so she can get her med's easier. Whenever they do things like this she makes a sound and her faces looks like she is in pain. I don't want her to go to Jesus but I also don't want to see her like this, she was such a strong independent person.
One thing I want everyone to know is if think you have something wrong with your breast please, please get it checked. My mom waited three years before she did anything because she was so sure it was just going to go away, the only reason she ever went to the doctor was because her breast was looking really bad and she was in so much pain. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she could have just went to the doctor when she first felt something. What is strange is that before we brought her to the care center she made me feel a part of her breast that had a little lump, she told me that if I ever feel this on my self or anything like it that I need to see a doctor right away. I thought that was interesting since she didn't do that herself, but I will do as she says she is my mommy and all. Also when she did finally go see the doctor they wanted to give her chemotherapy right way but she refused so instead they talked with her about hospice and she made the choice to go down that road and we have been traveling it for a year and a half.
My mom today looks really peaceful, she has not opened her eyes in two days now. Hasn't eaten in 7, and hasn't had any fluids in 4 days. I know this is part of the process but I wish I could force these things down her so she can live just a little longer. But I am trusting God and letting him do what is best for her.
Okay I'm going to stop now, I'll write later.
Thanks again everyone you are helping me so much.
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Gentle sweet hugs, ddoyle...........I went through the same thing with my sister just a few months ago......She had end stage emphysema......She opened her eyes and smiled at me the day before she passed....My sisters say she didn't but I know she did........It was just a tiny smile but a smile nonetheless........She had waited for me to come to her.......She was 64 and looked xactly like our mom...I felt as if I was losing my mother all over again...The only thing I regret is not taking a picture of her before her burial.....It is tradtion on our family to take a picture of family members in their coffins......I know strange but it is a mountain thing........At least in my neck of the woods........I am so glad my sister is not suffering anymore.....I feel honored that I was allowed to help prepare her for her final hospital visit before they came to take her away........
Ddoyle, trust in God and allow Him to take your pain away.........I know how it is to watch your mother die...Mine died at home when I was 8 and it was one of the hardest things I had to endure.......Much love and peace to you sweet sister.........
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Oh goodness the nurse just left, he asked me if he could make any phone calls for me if mom passes tonight. I am so scared, I really don't want my mom to go, but I know everything is in God's hands. I trust him with everything and i know it will be okay as some point.
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Hi ddoyle,
I just came across your post when isaw the word HELP. It is very difficult to watch a loved one to suffer. I lost my mother to lung cancer, and she did have her check ups. As I was reading all your posts i came across that your mother is from Turkey. I was also born in Istanbul Turkey.
I came to NY when I was 20 years old. I have a father who doesn't speak English and I speak to him in Armenian, My Turkish is fine only when i read but speaking became difficult I understand every word, can translate from Turkish to English, I have family in turkey. If I can be any help for translating for you I am here. Please keep writing.
Hugs
Sheila -
Dear Ddoyle,
My heart is breaking for you. May you find comfort in knowing that you have done everything to help your Mom, she must be so proud of you, I don't know you and I am proud of you, you are a wonderful daughter. Just know the Angels are with your Mom to guide her over and she will find peace. My arms are around you, gentle (((((HUGS))))),
Cheryl
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Mommy died today, at 3:30 this morning. She was smiling, but it still doesn't seem real.
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I'm so very sorry. While we know your Mother is at peace -- and even on a whole new adventure (as my father-in-law put it when he was in the last few weeks of his life) -- I know that doesn't begin to ease your loss.
Just know that many of us have been very touched by your story and your strength, and will continue to be here for you. Deanna
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I'm so sorry about your mom. She was very lucky and I'm sure happy that she died with you by her side. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. It's now time for you to start taking care of yourself. You're mom is in a better place now. Please take care and be well.
Linda
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ddoyle......((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
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I am just stumbling across your posts and our moms seemed very much alike. Everyone just LOVED my mom and it sounds like your mom was loved just as much. I know that all my mom wanted was for me and my sister to be there and you were there for your mom. Just know that you did what you were supposed to and don't have any regrets. I am plagued with the what ifs.....as are most of us...I am guessing. This is the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my life. If I had known this is was how I'd feel I would have done many things differently. This pain is going to take a long time to heal. Just know you are not alone!
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I am thinkink of you. I am very sorry you lost your mom.
Your story touched my life.
Hugs
Sheila
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