I must leave my friends.....

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2009

    Do you guys remember just about a week before my colon cancer dx, I posted a very similar message of "goodbye" to my beloved sisters?  My hubby and I had been having nothing but bad luck, something happened with our son, and I KNEW there was something wrong with me.  I had a slew of tests and doctor appointments, and although the first several results were minor issues, the final one was cancer.  However, we didn't know that, my hubby told our pastor that I was "addicted" to my online support group (of course he did not say that it was because he shuts down any time I speak up about my aches and pains).  Before I was scheduled for emergency surgery, we were ready to separate.  Whatever, I get ticked just typing about it, and this isn't about me, it's about the next sister going through it (Lucy). 

    I have a sinking feeling she won't be the last to have issues of this sort. 

    I am ALL for a card shower for our Lucy.  She has sent hundreds of cards to us! 

    Lucy, if you are reading this, I tried to call your home number, left a vague message so your hubby won't get upset, and hope you can call back). 

    BTW-Elephants, start circling......

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  • hmm
    hmm Member Posts: 2,183
    edited July 2009

    I think her departure was brief as I read a post ( by chance) that she wrote earlier today.....

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited July 2009

    Hollyann (Lucy) is posting on other threads so perhaps she and hubby have come to an agreement.

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited July 2009

    Hello my sweet sisters!.....Yes it is brief but long too!....It has been rough but I think hubby understands now why I come here.....I had a long talk with him and he seems to be ok now.....He is at work so I figured what the hey?.....Why torture myself?.....DD is still at her friend's house and I am lonely.....THANK YOU all for your beautiful thought and prayers!........

    Trigeek I think you nailed it!.....My hubby and i have stopped communicating...We withdraw and don't deposit!...... He has extreme clinical depression and says he doesn't care about anything anymore...I have my own problems and don't communicate with him at all...We have not talked in so long I wouldn't know where to start........He gets upset because I ccry when we lose someone here and he hates to see me cry....And jealousy reigns supreme!.....

    Idaho, Sharon52, abbadoodles, iodine, LRM, Whoopsiedoodles, lexis, pantifas, JanMarch, Arnie, AnneW, ShirleyH, PatM, F&F, DebFromOhio, Patoo, Tender, lvtoqlt,barbe, M2M, EWB, LauraGTO, Prettyinpink, Fumi, and trigeek and hmm, you all mean soooo much to me and have for quite awhile........

    All my Elephant sisters mean the world to me and it has een stressful losing my job and being home....I am NOT a homebody!...LOL......

    Whoopsie I called you back and left a message.......

    I missed you all!

    BTW   our Little Sister Hannah had her 3rd chemo yesterday.....Big Thank You to the ladies who recommended Emend!...Her mother said what a difference!.....No nausea but very tired...........Poor baby!......She should not be having a summer like this at her age!......I rage when I hear of a child with cancer!....It is so UNFAIR!...........

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  • JanMarch
    JanMarch Member Posts: 167
    edited July 2009
    So glad you are back!!!!    Smile
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  • candie1971
    candie1971 Member Posts: 4,820
    edited July 2009

    Glad to see you back Lucy!!

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  • Deb-from-Ohio
    Deb-from-Ohio Member Posts: 1,140
    edited July 2009

    Glad to see ya back Lucy..and I too have a man who clams up...but...LOL I keep pestering him until he does talk, I don't give up...It's worked for well, it will be 25 yrs next month!

    HUgs!

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  • leggo
    leggo Member Posts: 3,293
    edited July 2009

    I don't know Lucy but have seen a lot of husband bashing on this board.  Try putting the shoe on the other foot and wonder how our husbands must feel knowing they're going to lose the most important person in their life, the one who's usually responsible for EVERYTHING. and the one who usually keeps everything together. At least that's how it is in my house. My husband will struggle to boil water when I'm gone, I'm sure. Something tells me that if it was he who was sick, I'd be going throught some serious emotional crap myself and be reacting badly. If the boards are that important to you, then yes, you probably have no reason to stay married. Why should he bother trying to connect with you if you'd rather come here? JMO, and probably an unpopular one at that, but my husband (the living, breathing soul who lives with me, the father of my children)  is a little more important than virtual friends. Not that this board isn't a wealth of information and support, but I think it has it's place in life. Lucy, I don't know where you are in your cancer journey....I am coming to the end of mine. I'd hate to think that I spent my last days clicking on the computer rather than spending REAL time with my family.

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  • pip57
    pip57 Member Posts: 12,401
    edited July 2009

    Glad you are back here.  As much as the rest of the world may try, they just can't understand the things we all go through.  

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited July 2009

    Gracie no you don't know me...I do spend REAL time with my family when they are home and when they aren't doing their own things.......I am glad you have a greatr relationship with your husbadn ..I don't.......He has withdrawn from me and then gets mad when I reach out to other people instead of him....Truth be told we haven't slept in the same bed in over 3 years!.....I don't spend all that much time here, gracie.......It makes me angry that people who don't know me try to judge me!......Since your husband is so important to you then why do you come here at all?...........I HAVE gonre through some serious illness with my husband...He has severe clinical depression and withdraws form EVERYthing........I have gone through his leaving a perfectly good job woth insurance to a mom and pop shop with no insurance and lower pay.......You have no idea what you are talking about and you do not know the entire cercumstances of my 23 year marriage.......HOW DARE YOU!...

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited July 2009

    Just because you have such an angel of a husband doesn't mean we all do, gracie!.

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  • leggo
    leggo Member Posts: 3,293
    edited July 2009

    Sorry I offended you. I wasn't telling you what to do....just stating what it's like for me. Believe me, he's no angel. When death stares you in the face, you see things differently. Why do I come here? Because I get scared of my symptoms and it makes me feel better to know there are women out there going through the same thing and that maybe, just maybe, they have found a way to control these symptoms, or maybe someone is trying a new treatment that's keeping them alive. That's all. I apologize again for trying to offer a different perspective. I get it....I won't post to you again. All the best to you.

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited July 2009

    Glad to see your posts Hollyann!!  Gentle hugs.

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited July 2009

    Hugs, Lucy!

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited July 2009

    gracie, I accept your apology and would really appreciate your posts...I read over my post and I truly over reacted.......I am sorry I did that......I guess I am on too much but when you don't have a job and the housework is driving you crazy cause you are sick and tired of being home what else is there ot do?.....I COULD go for a walk or ride my bike but I have physical problems that make that difficult.......I am just I don't know..........I'm sorry gracie......i will PM you.......

    I come here for support too gracie.....We all need each other and we don't need to be fighting amongst ourselves......I truly am sorry ......I deleted my other posts to you........

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited July 2009
    Welcome back!!  I had a feeling things would work out...lol Smile
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  • crazy4carrots
    crazy4carrots Member Posts: 5,324
    edited July 2009

    Dear Lucy:  I too am glad you're back!  It can be extremely difficult to cope with the behaviour of someone who is clinically depressed.  I bet you often feel you're on "tenterhooks", afraid that you might say or do something that will set him off.  So many people do not see a severe mental illness as an illness just as debilitating and devastating as physical ones such as cancer or MS or, oh, so many, many others.  And any of these -- mental or physical -- are just as challenging for partners, spouses or children.

    This board is both your support and your outlet -- and it works both ways, not just for you but for all of us.  We love you sweetie; keep hangin' with us!

    Hugs, Linda

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  • spar2
    spar2 Member Posts: 6,827
    edited July 2009

    hollyann, I am very sad, we are just getting to know each other.  My heart is breaking for you.  I wish he could loosen up or get some counseling.  It is like he feels threatened by your friendships here.  We won't hurt him but we can support you.  Has your relationship always been this way?  It is not right, it should be a partnership with equal rights and open communication.  I am just so sorry this has happened and hope things work out so you can come back.  Much love and great big hugs.  Sherry

    A great big HOPE YOU GET TO STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Laughing

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited July 2009

    Lucy,

    If u r still reading this....something similar happened to me years ago. I pray for you. I pray that your hubby will cool off and see that you need this site. Luv Mazy

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited July 2009

    I share a lot of the threads I'm on with my DH. He sees that there is housekeeping, escape, games, etc and it's not just about cancer. I show him pictures that people post and the ones that I post too. It makes him feel part of it.

    I'm also getting him used to the posting so when it's my time to go.....

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  • HelenaJ
    HelenaJ Member Posts: 1,133
    edited July 2009

    I once posted that this is like cancer porn for me - I am so addicted - I walk past the computer and have to stop myself sometimes - thank heavens for kids and work!!!!!  But that is me trying to make light of what this place has meant to me - I just love it here.  Not just for info about cancer but a laugh, a cyber hug and to write and share about things - things we just can't do with friends and family - no matter how much they love and care for us.

    My husband just laughs at me but concedes it is better than Facebook and has even joined in on my Wacky Word Definitions (hi barbe).  And really if you think about it isn't it more informative and interesting than sitting in front of the telly (that's television if you don't understand my Australian mate, crikey).

    Lucy - I don't know you (yet) but I am soooooo glad you have come back. ((hugs))

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited July 2009
    Hi Helena!!!!!!!!! I'm awake now too. Laughing
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  • ShellyJo
    ShellyJo Member Posts: 132
    edited July 2009

    He threaten to leave? Call his bluff and Let him.. Sounds like he would be doing you a favor. No one needs to be controled like that. I know this kind of man first hand. I was married to him. Now I am not!! :O)

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  • Hanna60978
    Hanna60978 Member Posts: 815
    edited December 2011

    .

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited July 2009

    Hanan you are a sweetheart......I had a little chat with my hubby and he now understands some why I come here.....I don't come here to get away from him, I come here to get support, especially becasue he is not capable of support at the moment...He has extreme depression and it is hard to get him to talk about anything......I miss his touch , his kisses, his love and friendship but right now that isn't possible......I can only hold on and hope for the best cause I refuse to think of the last 23 years as wasted.......We once had a good thing going but gradually over the years he has withdrawn more and more not just from me but from everyone and everythign he used to enjoy........I pray for the day he awakens and finds happiness again........

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  • Blundin2005
    Blundin2005 Member Posts: 1,167
    edited July 2009

    Hollyann--I'm so sorry to hear your news.  It's been my experience that men need to "fix" things.  And when they can't, they get frustrated and misdirect their frustration or anger.  It's a great exercise in patience to talk through it all.  Sometimes we don't find the words and need to pick up the topic later.  Add to that we argue in two languages....geeeeessse!!!

    My husband thought I was on the "boards" too much too.  But in time, he calmed down about it and even began to forward to me articles that he'd found on the topic.  

    Don't say goodbye just yet....take a holiday and we'll see you later.  

    Best wishes to all as always. 

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  • juanita63
    juanita63 Member Posts: 171
    edited July 2009

    welcome back!

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  • Texgirl
    Texgirl Member Posts: 211
    edited July 2009

    I am alarmed by DH.....the first thing that an abuser( whether emotional or physical) tries to do is isolate his partner..which is exactly what is happening here. I would not be as concerned if the information about the chairs and hammock were not given.....she definitely needs our support..anyone live nearby ?

    Granted ,I may be reading too deep here ,but I think it feels like more than just spending too much" board" time....am I the only one that is thinking like this ?

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  • Texgirl
    Texgirl Member Posts: 211
    edited July 2009

    I will try and soften my words above. Perhaps "abuser " is too strong but having known an individual with an extremely "controlling" partner I am sensitive to the red flags....I hope that this is just a spat and hubby wants attention on him after all the bc attention on her....I wish her the best....no one can understand the support that this site can give to us..unless they have been in our shoes ( or bras) .

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited July 2009

    Holly,

    I am glad he can somewhat see how much you need this site and hopefully how much others need you to be here as well. I will keep you both in my prayers. Hugs, Mazy

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