I must leave my friends.....

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hollyann
hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

Dearest sisters, my great supporters.....Thank you all so much for your input and loving advice and support.......As you can see I am back now and it is time to let this thread die a quiet death........I truly appreciate all your love and support you have given me in this tough time........My sweet husband and I are working things through an dare still very much together and supporting each other.....When I posted we had had a breat argument and I was extremely upset and so was he......We have worked things through so far and are still going........In fact today was a good day for us both....We rode our bikes for 16 miles together then came home and loaded some stuff up for his mother and we took it to her house and had a great time visiting with her and his sister..........Again sweet sisters please let this thread go away and please do not respond to this edited post.......You all are very special to me and i appreciate each and everyone of you....Even the ones who are way off base on things....I know you were just trying to help and I appreciate it............Gentle hugs and lots of love to you all...........

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  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited July 2009

    Oh, Lucy- that is not fair!     We will miss you dear...........hope things turn around so you can come back.  peace and health to you.     Tami

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited July 2009

    Lucy???  Wth?  Sheesh, this isn't fair for you.  Please don't say goodbye.  Sounds like you need us and we need you.  Your dh needs to know that.  He should be glad you come here if he can't provide you with the support you need and deserve.

    Gentle hugs.........stay a bit if you can manage.

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  • abbadoodles
    abbadoodles Member Posts: 2,618
    edited July 2009

    Just another tyrant.

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited July 2009

    My dh was jealous as well.  He doesn't have a lot of his own friends and was really uptight about my dx and tx.  the fact that I had you all to talk to and was on the boards a lot, really pissed him off.

    I felt guilty for a while, esp. when he'd ask me what were we "talking about today".  I finally figured out it was HIS problem and continued on the boards -- all the boards, until about a year ago when HE got cancer x2, so I began just comming to this board. 

    Since we never fight (or makeup, dammit) I didn't have to worry about it as  Lucy does tho.

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  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited July 2009

    How terribly unfair this is to you and how terribly selfish he is.  I am sorry to be so blunt but I care about what he is doing to you.

    Linda

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited July 2009

    I hope you do come back! Maybe your dh needs a little cooling off period, things get said sometimes that aren't really meant. I hope this is the case for you.

    Take good care and be well!

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  • nancypat
    nancypat Member Posts: 511
    edited July 2009

    Big men like to make themselves bigger by tearing other people down.  This isn't love dear one.  I am praying for you.  First, to get you through your bc and second to get you through him.  Sorry if I sound harsh but after 5 he-men, I know what I'm talking about.  I just hope it doesn't take half a century for you to find the truth in what I am saying.  God bless you and if there is ever anything I can do to help, please let me know.

    Always,

    Nancy

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  • JanMarch
    JanMarch Member Posts: 167
    edited July 2009

    Is it possible for a compromise?  If he feels you spend too much time here, perhaps you can both come to an agreement of spending a certain amount of time on the computer that would be agreeable to both of you.  Or maybe you can agree that you will limit your time on the boards to when he is not at home.  I don't see why it has to be all or nothing!

    I don't know your DH, but I would be willing to bet that he would like to spend more time with you and may be feeling a bit insecure? 

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  • arnie
    arnie Member Posts: 3,050
    edited July 2009

    Hollyann ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))  I am soooooooo sad ... janet

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  • AnneW
    AnneW Member Posts: 4,050
    edited July 2009

    I'm going to try to stay away from my rant about controlling men. You can't change that, only how you react to him. You two have a unique pattern of communication and needs, and have fostered this throughout your marriage.

    But what I really want to point out is that by being here, you GIVE as much support as you get. Here, it's not all about you, though your hubby may think so. He doesn't realize that support is a two way street...

    You maybe could negotiate a compromise, such as one hour a day. He can surf the tube, you can use the internet. Then you set aside together-time. I don't see that you have to leave here cold-turkey, just because he says so. But I'm not in your shoes.

    I wish you the best,

    Anne

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2009

    Hollyann, I do not know you.  I haven't spent as much time on the boards.  However, I know a controlling man when I see one.  I have no idea what your financial state is or if you need his health insurance.  I would tell you to stand up for yourself, but, like I said, I do not know your circumstance.  I've been married 44 years and no way would my dh ever, EVER tell me what to do.

    I am angry for you.  You know what you have to do.  God bless you and I hope you find peace with your dh.

    Shirley

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2009

    hollyann, maybe this is just a temporary explosion and you will be able to work something out, possibly spending less time here instead of none.

    I hope that you will be able to at least peek at the boards occasionally, and know that you will be deeply missed.

    Pat

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  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited July 2009

    I just found this thread...... I am so sorry to hear of the extra dimension of your own personal soap opera in the midst of everything else.

    The others have already said all of the things that come to mind.

    My first husband was a "wack-doodle" (professional term) and so I know what it's like to live in a mine field. I had to do some heavy-duty soul searching and eventually made the decision to move out and be a single mom.

    Looking back -- it's the best decision I could have possibly reached.

    I think of my life as having chapters.

    Sending you encouragement from afar..... hoping that you know that there are many cheering for you here, even if you're at a distance for a while.

    xx00xx00xx

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  • Marple
    Marple Member Posts: 19,143
    edited July 2009

    Lucy, here for you.  Gentle hugs

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  • Deb-from-Ohio
    Deb-from-Ohio Member Posts: 1,140
    edited July 2009

    Ya know my DH jumped me for the time I spent on here too, but it wasn't about the time or that he was jealous, it was because I was reading threads I really shouldn't have and had myself scared to death...so it could me that with her and her hubby....and I think some men really get tired of hearing about cancer 24/7....they don't know how to express themselves with it so they pick at this....so it may not be she has a controlling husband, it could be he's feeling helpless or maybe he thinks she ought to come to him for support or like mine, wanting her to stop scaring herself...

    Just some thoughts

    Deb

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2009

    But he also made her get rid of "stuff".  Seems he just wants total control of everything and anything you do.   Ladies above have said much of what I thought.  He is insecure and you are paying the price for that.  It's not fair as he could have tried for a compromise - like maybe pick one hour a day for you to browse here, getting and giving support. 

    I will say a prayer for you both because he is definitely in need of help.

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  • TenderIsOurMight
    TenderIsOurMight Member Posts: 4,493
    edited July 2009

    Oh HollyAnn, I hope you will reconsider. You're substantial here, I'd hate to see you go.

    T.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited July 2009

    Gee HollyAnn, if he is working you could be on while he's away Wink

    If he's not working, tell him I said to get a job Yell

    I tell my DH I have to see how "my girls" are. The only time he gets upset is when I cry when someone dies. I woke him up late one night when Toyful died and it took him a while to realize who I was talking about.

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  • Estepp
    Estepp Member Posts: 6,416
    edited July 2009

    HollyAnn... your marriage come first.. if  the marriage is right.

    Maybe if you let dh read all this... maybe he could see how much you needed it.

    God bless you sweety... the choice is yours...

    remember that..

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  • mom2two
    mom2two Member Posts: 1,352
    edited July 2009
    Don't even begin to know what to say.Frown
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  • orange1
    orange1 Member Posts: 930
    edited July 2009

    I am sad to see you go.  Take care of yourself.

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited July 2009

    here are extra hugs, prayers and kisses to tuck into your pocket...just in case you need one sometime down the road. Know that I will keep you in my prayers and pray that everything will work out as it should.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2009

    Visiting this site seems to be good therapy for you...in moderation, what could possibly be wrong with that? I have seen that you have helped many girls here...reaching out to others helps us deal with our own frustration, fear, impatience, concern, moods, confusion, etc. Can you gently explain to him that this is your therapy and therapy is very beneficial after a cancer diagnosis? It's unfair that you should be denied any form of therapy. In fact... this therapy is FREE! I hope - for your sake - he reconsiders...best wishes.

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  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited July 2009

    Deb from Ohio:  Doesn't give him the right to strip her of the support she both gets and gives on this Board.  I don't care how much HE'S afraid of cancer, or doesn't want her to read things that scare her - he's being totally selfish and it makes me angry that women succumb to this bullcrap, especially when trying to beat cancer.

    Linda 

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  • Deb-from-Ohio
    Deb-from-Ohio Member Posts: 1,140
    edited July 2009

    hEY I agree with you, was just posting possible scenarios...

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  • pip57
    pip57 Member Posts: 12,401
    edited July 2009

    Compromise.  That is what a relationship is all about.  Suggest that he should be willing to pay for your therapy sessions if you stop coming here.  We ladies are much cheaper!!

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  • nowheregirl
    nowheregirl Member Posts: 894
    edited July 2009

                    

    How about we do a big card shower for our Lucy? I don't think she wanted to leave and maybe it's one of those times when she needs us the most. She has offered so much suppor to so many so we should return a favor? A lof of men don't believe in "cyber friendships" and I guess he is one of them. Hopefully he will know we are real and how much this place means to her if we do this.  She posted her address on our Central Address Book so those who have access to it can send her a card. And those who don't, PM me for her address. 

                

    xo

    Fumi

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  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 6,162
    edited July 2009

    Lucy, I don't know what to say. Fortunately my hubby is a truck driver and only home on weekends and I access this site during the week but stay off on weekends. He is supportive of my friendships here on the site and encourages me to try and visit others who live close by (or in the area we are on vacation at).

    Lucy does deserve a card shower from us, she has made sure that others get card showers when they need it by finding out addresses and getting it to us.

    Sheila

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  • trigeek
    trigeek Member Posts: 916
    edited July 2009

    Dear Lucy,

    My knee jerk reaction was to jump in my car and beat the !@#$!! out of your husband. However I have matured since I had been through a lot with my dh he was acting like a total jerk until we really figured things out (that took a divorce tho..lol.. a bit complicated) and I learned that it takes 2 to tango.

    What is the message here ? He might not be happy about the attention that you are directing to other things/people while his emotional needs of having a companion, confidante are not met after all HE is your life partner. He also might not feel needed (which I figured out is a HUGE thing for guys) which is prompting all this.

    I disagree with people who say women and men are equal, some things that are totally normal for us ticks them off and the opposite is also true the expectations behaviours are very different. The question to be asked here is what is really going on.. because if I am getting it correctly even if you stop coming to the forums, even if you give the stuff that your friends gave you the main cause will still be there.. and will pop up from somewhere else again.

    So not coming to the forums is not a solution..

    However, if you are indeed living a huge chunk of your life without including your husband then thats something that needs to be looked into. Are you sharing any fun activities with him ? Or is it solely a partnership where you take care of the home.. work.. take care of kids and then everyone goes their own way.

    A relationship is very similar to a bank account if you do not deposite into it but completely withdraw(which a marriage always does) you end bankrupt. If you only share responsibilities(withdrawals) and not fun (deposits) then it is inevitable.

    Stay on the boards they mean a lot to you but figure out what your husband REALLY wants. I can guarantee you that even if you stay off from the boards things will not be smooth sailing because then you'll start regretting him from cutting you off and he will find someting else to pick on.

    Apparently at one point in your lives you did feel very strongly for each other, try to rekindle those days, it is amazing what some conscious effort could do reviving a relationship.

    Do not also forget that the bc is also a big trauma on the family dh's, maybe he is trying to move over and is thinking that by being on the boards you cannot move on with him...

     Balance and communication  in life is the key  and my gut feel is there is a communication issue between most husbands/wives.

    Phew.. talked a lot sorry .... I have really cool  'Empathical' listenin exercise that I can email you if you can give me your email through pm, it sounds silly when you start doing it but it did wonders for my marriage.. of course if both of you are willing to try.

    LIVE DELIBERATELY !

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  • lmays
    lmays Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2009

    trigeek - wow, did I ever have an Ah-Ha moment when you wrote that maybe the DH was ready to move on, but the connection with the boards might indicate that we cannot move on with them!!

    My DH has been nothing short of amazing through this, but it seems to worry him that I'm "obsessed" (his word) with these boards.  Have been trying to explain to him why it's important to me (the support you all have given me, the encouragment I give, and the information I've gotten - didn't know about OncoType testing before I came here and 1st onc. did not offer it!), but never even thought that it might be threatening to what he wants.  Thank you for the insight.

    hollyann - I hope your departure is brief.  Will rejoice when you rejoin us.

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