Facing the Future

Thanks EWB and Saint.  The only thing I insist on is that I am cremated and my ashes stirred in with that of my cats (assuming Chloe dies before me, she is very old) and have them sprinkled around my childhood home, in which Mom still lives.  That I have written down and told many.

Other than that I really don't care once I'm dead.  Whatever will make Mom feel good, well, as much as possible. I won't be there, it's for the living, and what is best for the living ones I care about.

I'm hoping to stay on in Boston until the end of Sept and see what happens.  I know I am somewhat happy here, with crappy days thrown in, I don't know how I will be back in Ottawa.  Sure, friends will greet me, but everyone has their own life, I will only be lonely again.  Gawd, that sounds so pathetic...sorry about that... 

I worry that I won't get my strength up to work fulltime again.  I know part of my lethargy is boredom, it so easy to loll in bed with my cat and read, zap out a few resumes... I'll see what happens...I can't stay passive for too long and let life pass me by.

I'm a business systems analyst and also a librarian.  The problem is, is that my job must fit certain visa requirements for me to stay.  Other than absolutely loving Boston and New England, I want to stay mostly because of him (except when he pisses me off).  My boyfriend and I don't live together so there is no financial benefits there -- just emotional.

If I moved back to Canada I wouldn't have limits on what I can do.  I could take any job that interested me (and if they wanted me, of course!) and focus on getting myself out of debt and onto a tropical beach ASAP!!  Hmmmmm, I just can't decide what to do!!!  Arrrghhhhh!!

And yes, ma'am, no lollying tomorrow. 

Hi girls.

I haven't been here in about two weeks.  Saint glad your starting to creep back to the top of the hole you fell into. Toni I feel for you.  I've made a full time job out of trying to accept this and not fight it. Fighting it makes me resentful.

 I need a Hugg today.  Had a issue last week with one of my saline implants. Apparently it sprung a slow leak.  Pin hole spot that was leaking due to my breathing.  I told the PS I'd try to jump on that and not breath so much. I had exchange surgury last Wednesday with new Silicone softer boobs not quite so big and more natural shaped.  I felt good Wednesday night.  A little sore on Thursday. Then on Friday I got the all over aches and stiffness that usually occurs every month  or so.  Still don't know what it is.  I had a fever of about 100.9 but it dropped after a few handfuls of tylenol 3.  I swapped them for my perks for the day.  I was fearful of an infection from surgery.  Only 4 weeks since last chemo and red blood count was only 102.  Anyway by Saturday I felt a bit better,,, but have developed a tender area on one of my shins.  I told my husband that since the delay in chemo by two weeks,, that its likely spread. Can it go that quickly. I'm stressed now that I skipped the treatment due to surgery.  They are planning on the chemo this coming Monday the 6th of July. I had to see the PS today to check the incisions. He said they looked phenominal,, yet he put me on antibiotics because theres a small pinkish area on my left boob. He says he doesn't think its an infection but wants to be safe. I wonder if he's lieing.  Pink is Pink,, its got to mean something.  the right boob is fine.  Anyway,, I'm now popping antibiotics 4 times per day,, B6 for numb thumb and finger from Chemo,, Vitamin C just because I think I should take it.  Vitamin D as I've always taken it,, Anti depressant... 20 mg per day and my perks.  I feel like a dispensery.

My shin is still tender today.  I know its from the bone met and never felt it before. If the cancer has progressed since the last scans,, they are going to switch me to something else.  Last scan showed stable bones and a spot gone on my liver.  I felt like I was getting somewhere.  Now this and it all seems due to the damn implant.hold up.

 On top of all of this my yougest son 17,,, is stealing things from me and my ex husband. I've shipped him to his brothers place to sort things out and look for work.  His Dad will not speak to him and I'm worn out by his sneaky ways.  What have i raised???? and what will happen to him when I'm gone. awwwwwwwg  I need a nap

 Best to all of you .........Lynn

Lynn,

Many hugs coming your way today.  A nap can be a great idea.

I don't know about ever being able to accept it.  Sometimes I feel like I am making progess with somehow handling all of the fear, etc and with accepting the inevitable but then something happens that makes me realize that it isn't happening.  Then maybe I think it is better not to work on acceptance but just live the best way day to day and deal with it when I have to.  Am I just wasting time by trying to accept it right now?

I am still trying to keep a journal and make some plans.  But since I started this antidepressant the need does not seem so urgent.  Don't know whether that is good or bad either.  I have become a very efficient robot lately!

Sorry Toni no great insight to offer.   Take care of yourself and let us know how you are.

Thanks for the huggs. Its 2:00 am and my lower shins on both legs are acheing like crazy.  I think its coming from my spine but not sure.  How many perks can a person take over a four hour period anyway.

Hugs Lynn. Shame on your son. Gosh! that stinks.

Hugs all!

Special hugs to Toni!! We each have to walk our own path, but I think it is a bit easier for me cuz of my faith (& denial helps me)------I just live for today & try hard NOT to embrace the darkness! I have accepted that "something new" is going to pop up unexpectedly & regularly! Just about the time I start to feel complacent, that things may plateau & I can ignore the beast, he raises his ugly head........AGAIN!

Lynn---mets USUALLY does not go past elbows or knees---- I find it difficult to believe you could have such an aggressive cancer that it would progress during such a short break! Try not to let your head take you there! Our imagiinations take us far worse place than reality usually can! HUGS

I get scan results tomorrow--I am totally calm, but for the first time I can remember, I have NO sense for what they are going to say.....wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing..usually I have a strong feeling that it is going to be one way or another (& mostly I have been right)..maybe I am just too beat up from rads to go there!

Be well & stay strong

Hugs dream! LOVE IT!

Linda- so sorry you are having a rough time with the chemo. I don't know your situation but have you looked into pallitive care? not hospice, but true pallitive care which is about managing pain and side effects....some how its been turned into end of life issues but its focus is broader and at any time thru the treatment experience. Not all oncs are "experts" in side effects (I prefer to call them unwanted effects of the drugs) and quality of life concerns....PC people are and maybe able to offer help/relief.

As far as treatment, only you exan make that decision. Know that people are here to chat, ask, answer, laugh, cry, whatever, when ever.

Hugs

I was told from the moment I was dx'd with mets that my care is palliative.....symantics?

Only YOU know when enough is enough--but maybe a different chemo or reduced dose would be more managable & you never know til you try! I thought I was near the end in Jan '08, but a break & new tx have changed everything--

Hugs--we are here for you whatever you choose!

Be well & stay strong

hi Lynn  I'm new to the group, but not to breast CA  -  rarrgh!  I just read your note from 3/8, and wanted to give you a hug.  It is impossible for anyone to know what this is like, unless they've been here, done this...  My original dx. was 11/2000, just found bone mets in 3/2009 - I cannpt believe how much they hurt.  And, just when you get to a place in your head where you are resigned and even peaceful about things, the pain kicks in!!  And it gallops away with you, the pills just chase it and don't always catch it, and [we] wonder  -  WTF??? how did this happen so quick, how am I supposed to live indefinitely like this?  -  you know -how, what, when why?  Hope I don't sound whiney; just wanted to let you know I understand and literally feel your pain.  Some might say I'm a God-fearin' woman, but that's only a small part of me and God.  I love Him; my fear is of losing contact with Him, but that happens.  I've been 'walking' with God for 30 years; so much good and bad has happened - if I had not entered the cancer portals without having established some kind of foundation of faith, I cannot imagine the terror. Now, I'm telling you this because I think it would be beyond cruel to read your post, know your pain, and not say anything.  But..He is there - all it takes is simple honesty [which now may be a primal scream!!] and tell Him you need Him - He will answer, in a way that you will understand. Your very core can change, somehow that happens and everything changes.  I'm no Pollyanna - I'm a terminal cancer patient, among many other things.  I cry, scream,bitch,throw things, spend money just like anyone else under this vile burden.  But I do know that at the very center of things, God loves me, He is good, and some things never change, I hope that in all of this note, there has been something for you, to help you.  best regards, mamma