Does anyone else feel this way?

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Does anyone else feel that Cancer has just totally ruined their lives? I was sitting here thinking, I may be alive, but I have no energy whatsoever to do much of anything, I've gained weight, have hair that resembles a man, my sex life is shot, have no desire whatsoever and not even sure if I'm attractive to my hubby anymore, have one breast two sizes bigger then the other, burns under my arm and my breast, big black X's all over my chest and the only thing on my mind anymore is cancer and whether it will come back or not.  Is this what I fought so hard to stay alive for?

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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited July 2009

    Its the BC self reflection. I think we ALL go through this. I did. But I said to myself, I will NOT allow cancer to ruin or rule my life anymore for 1 minute. I went through 15 months of treatment. No more.

    I gets better, you will see. I am now going for my 3 month checks. I just had my 3rd last Monday and all is good. I like visiting my onc and not really talking about BC.Instead we talk about our vacations and kids!

  • mom2two
    mom2two Member Posts: 1,352
    edited July 2009

    Deb you don't have that desire cause your body is in the fight of its life and all your energy is being focused on healing right now. Who feels like sex when their boob is covered in 3rd degree burns??? You have to be kind and nuturing to yourself. I know how loving and kind you are and if this was anyone else being hard on themselves like that you would have a word or two with them and quick. Besides who else would make us smile with all those witty remarks and funny pics you keep us in stitches over on the housekeeping thread? Your sisters on here are so very glad you fought hard to be here. We love you and you are going to get through this and just like lexislove, one day you are going to be encouraging someone else who is going through it sometime down the line.

  • rreynolds1
    rreynolds1 Member Posts: 450
    edited July 2009

    Hi Deb,

    I too have two very different looking breasts.  I'm 58 and don't think I would bother but if it really bothers you, I would inquire about your insurance paying to get them to match.  Hard to think about more surgery right now but I was told that insurance covers reconstruction in this type of situation.  You appear to be young so if it will make you feel better about yourself, check it out.  In my case the smaller one is actually much more attractive.  The "healthy" breast is bigger and floppy from breast feeding and pregnancy breast feeding.  If I were younger, I would definately match them up.

    This journey is a shock for all of us.  At first, I was releaved that it had not spread past my breast.  Then I became angry at all the people who take MUCH worse care of themselves than I did and they appear to be healthy.  I guess I must get used to the fact that life isn't fair and I need to play the cards I am dealt.  I still get to be sad and angry sometimes.  Most of the time, I'm grateful and I refuse to let cancer rule my life.  Life goes on, or so I hope.

    Stay well.

    Roseann 

  • frankenboob
    frankenboob Member Posts: 14
    edited July 2009

    Deb, You are feeling the same way that we have all felt. You are not alone. We are those who are going through the same and we understand. I try to talk with my sig other or my daughter, and they don't understand. They think that I should just "get over it". They feel powerless and angry because they CANT understand and can't make it right. I know that and so I come here to vent and read and leave here feeling better. The whole experience in itself reminds us of our mortality, who except someone who has to face it, can understand. The physical trauma to our bodies takes time to restore to balance. Then throw some meds on top of that and you not only have a rollercoaster ride from hell, but you have a physical, emotional and mental inbalance. For me, the cancer and the tx's can rock my body, mind and heart, but it can't touch my spiritual being. I am spirit way before I ever entered into this body. I will be spirit way after I leave this body. I work daily on maintaining my spiritual health, and then I can endure. I send love to you.

    Anita (frankenboob)

  • coonie
    coonie Member Posts: 7,618
    edited July 2009

    Awwwhhhhh Deb!!! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think we all feel that way, or HAVE felt that way in this crazy journey of breast cancer. I know I'm not he same person I used to be. And yes, cancer does have a way of changing you forever. I catch myself all the time wondering when or if my cancer will come back.........and that's with having both breasts removed!!! We're doing all we can do and you've got to give yourself credit for that. Once your body heals from everything it's been through these past few months, I promise you'll feel much better. And like Mom said, you'll be encouraging others for years to come because you'll know exactly how they feel.

    Hang in there girl!! If anybody can do it, you CAN!!! This is just temporary. This time next year you can loook back at your post and realize how much better you feel (mentally and physically). My sincere love and concern goes out to you. I'll be praying extra hard for you!!

    ((((((((((((((((((((the most gentle hugs I can give))))))))))))))

    We luv you Deb......please hang in there girl!! We need you!!

  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited July 2009

    Gentle hugs, sweet Deb...I too know exactly how you feel...I thought my life was over......But I now realize I have a new normal and I am getting used to that new normal......Certainly there are things I can't do now that I used to do but I have found new things to do.........You are doing ecerythign in your power to beat this and that is all any of us can do........I also had both breasts removed but atill swonder if/when will it come back.......I catch myself most of the time and go Whoa girl back up!...Just enjoy the here and now and let tomorrow take care of itself.......That isn't to say I don't have my down days.....Lord knows I do.....I have crying jags and sad days and fearful days....BUT they are only temporary...hang in there , Deb...You know where to come for support just like the rest of us.......Be good to yourself and give yourself more credit......You are stronger than you think........We all love you and need you more than you will ever know........

  • arnie
    arnie Member Posts: 3,050
    edited July 2009
    Debs ((((((((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))))  I'll be cheering you on to the finish and then you better be there to cheer me on...Wink  Love you kiddo... janet
  • NatureGrrl
    NatureGrrl Member Posts: 1,367
    edited July 2009

    I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I do feel for you, so I'm sending a huge hug.... {{{{{{{{{{Deb}}}}}}}}}}  I've certainly had my rant/cry/despair days... it sucks, it's hard, it's not fair, it hurts, it's deflating, and some days it feels like it'll never get better.  And if one more person tells me that cancer must be a "gift" in so many ways, I'm going to ask them if that's what they'd like for Christmas!  Hang in there and know that you aren't alone, we hurt with you and for you, and although it doesn't seem like it, it will get better.  I believe that with all my heart.  And on the days I start to falter in that belief for myself, I have friends I call -- because sometimes when I can't believe, it helps to know others do.  I believe it for you, too.

    extra hugs,

    Carol

  • baywatcher
    baywatcher Member Posts: 532
    edited July 2009

    Deb-

    You want your old life back. The one before breast cancer.

    I think that cancer has affected my life big time. I had my surgery around the same time as you. I had a double mx but no chemo or rads. No recon. I felt like my life was ruined and am just now starting to feel better emotionally. And I'm still screwed up! I can't focus on anything anymore unless it is breast cancer related. BC is on my mind all the time.

    I think things will get better for you but they will never be the same. This cancer stuff is life changing. Cancer sucks. I guess we all just have to accept the cards we've been dealt. There are people that are a lot worse off than us and we have to try to think of the positive things in our lives, like our families. That's what makes it worth the fight. They would miss us.

    I hope you start feeling better soon.

  • lor444
    lor444 Member Posts: 5
    edited July 2009

    Hi Deb, The way you feel is exactly the way the women I feel in love with feels. Its hard to deal with it from my side of the fence too, but im hanging in there and i hope its the right thing to do when she pushes me away all the time.

  • NatureGrrl
    NatureGrrl Member Posts: 1,367
    edited July 2009

    Hi, lor, I didn't want to divert Deb's thread from her topic, so I sent you a PM instead so wanted to remind you to check your messages...You're right, it is hard from your side of the fence; I've been there (and am on BOTH sides of it right now!); hang in there!

    Sending big hugs to everyone!!!

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