Do You Ever Just Want To Say...

makingway, you've described one of my family members.  She called me just 3 times during the 6 months between my BC diagnosis and my last round of chemo.

One of those times, she started the conversation by asking, "So, how are you feeling?"  I said I was doing okay, but the chemo was giving me some problems, etc.  She listened for a few minutes and then launched into a long tirade about how much trouble she was having with her boyfriend.  This went on and on, for at least 45 minutes, during which I asked questions and offered all kinds of advice.  I finally said I was getting tired and needed to go, so I could take a nap (which was true).

Since then (I finished chemo nearly a year ago), it has been all about her.  A couple weeks ago, we were talking on the phone and she was once again complaining about her boyfriend.  Their relationship has fallen apart and the split is becoming really messy.  I was making some observations and offering suggestions, but she was rejecting everything I said.  I just could not get her to look at things objectively, or find solutions instead of looking for more problems.  She finally shouted (over the phone), "You just have no idea how stressful this past year has been!!!"

By then I was getting angry and frustrated, because she was sounding like a 15-year-old instead of a woman in her mid-50's.  I probably shouldn't have done this, but I replied, "Well, actually, this past year has been pretty d*mn stressful for me, too."

She said, "What do you mean?".  I said, "I had cancer."  Her voice dripping with sarcasm, she said, "What does that have to do with it???"

<sigh>

Sometimes the people you hope you can depend on the most, end up being the least dependable.

otter 

I'm a husband of a woman who was diagnosed nov. 2008. Our surgeon who performed the Lumpectomy was very good and happend to find a second distinct cancer in the biopsy,with 2 of 7 Lymph nodes involved. The surgery went well with clear margins, the recovery went as expected. When we met with the new medical oncoligist at our local hospital all hell broke loose . Before we left the building I told the staff to stop setting up appointments because we were not coming back. We contacted the patient liason that same evening and I was on the hunt for an alternative the next morning. We ended up finding one of, if not the best oncoligist in the area and will never regret our choice. Since then I've taken most of the notes although my wife has done all of the research, I've been to every treatment, every appointment and read every report prior to printing it for her. I guess what I'm trying to saay is that every individual is unique, every situation is different, I have a verrrrry hard time discussing my wifes cancer with her or ayone else. So please don't get all worked up over people not falling all over you because of your diagnosis. They may be scared. Next week we're having a double masecectomy followed by radiation and then maybe or not reconstruction. In the meantime a family reunion with a family who's mother passed many years ago from cancer, a reunion with a family who my wife is the first member to be diagnosed, and life goes on........ when you get those calls from people who are needy and you don't feel like dealing with it then don't. Pass them off to someone who can say no. caller ID is great

Good luck, my prayers are with Y'all

dlb823, u r so right when u say that u don't know who will be there for u. my family totally betrayed me after i was diagnosed, and my sister is so insensitive like u wouldn't believe! fortunately, i have a good friend that really came through for me, but all and all, this whole experience has made me much more reclusive. i just rather deal with things on my own.

Ditto!!!  I saw my psychiatrist, today.  I walked into her office crying.  Thank God, I had an appointment....

If forced to deal with ridiculous ppl I don't hesitate to say, "I would gladly trade places with you!".........it is amazing how that one line can change a whole conversation---yep--I play the cancer card thru the back door sometimes....LOL

be well & stay strong 

LOL--I always respond to the "hit by the bus" by saying--Yeah, but this bus has my name on it, it's looking for me & will jump the curb-& I think it's an express!

I'll tell you that one of the biggest lessons I learned through cancer and all the emotional and relationship fall-out after it is that I never really knew how I'd react to something until it really happened. I always kind of thought I had some things all figured out and, when it came to pass, I did not. In retrospect I realize that I did not have cancer figured out. I fell into the trap of thinking that <gasp> I had cancer and that cancer is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone and it should all be about me, me, me. And, I'll tell you, I would have denied that completely at the time.

Yes, it's overwhelming. Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it hurts, it makes you nauseous, exhausted, stupid. Yes, it takes up 99% of your energy. But so do a lot of other hurts and we need to recognize that in those around us. I had family members going through extremely stressful times at the same time as my cancer, friends who were having life changing events. It took me a while to let go of myself as the absolute center of the universe (even tho, obviously, we are the centers of our own universe I had to finally figure out how to make sure that I wasn't making myself the center of everyone else's universe) and, even through the hell of treatment, be a friend, a sister, a partner. Actually, cancer treatment was the first time that I actually let go of the role of "the strong one" (even while I was striving to be incredibly physically strong: exercising regularly, going to work as much as I could, etc). While that was a good thing (a very good thing) I also needed to learn the balance.

You get to pick and choose your friends and who you want to have around you. If someone who is having their own hard time is unable to be there for you if you are there for her/him then maybe you need to rething the relationship. But my advice is to remember that it's a relationship and it's take AND give - even if I think that my crisis is bigger than your crisis - it isn't, even if it's cancer, it's just mine.

It took a long time to heal some of the wounds that occurred during that time - both to my body and to some very close relationships. I really don't know if I could have done it any differently. I hope that I could have if I'd really recognized what I was doing to myself.

I'm only asking you to consider if this reflects any of how you are relating to your loved ones. It's just way too easy to get wrapped up in the Cancer thing. Remember also that, as much as it freaks us out it freaks out the people around us. It's probably worse for them because they can't DO anything about it. All we do is DO something about it and they just have to wonder what to say and how to act.

Oi, it's waaaaaay too late and I'm rambling. Love to you, sister.

Jorf! ALL true!

I have always felt that while we as patients can focus on our tx, our loved ones & caregivers have the harder emotional battle of just standing by & watching! They really must feel helpless & not know WHAT to do or say so much of the time!! Knowing we may not be able to step back & be objective, I too advise that we TRY to take a good look at what is really going on!

Thanx for your honesty! Be well & stay strong

 . . . . F_____ Tamoxifen!  My third day - and I am an emotional wreck!